Stanley Tucci Unjustly Robbed of Sexiest Bald Man Alive Title

Election interference!

Photo: Daniel Krieger

BY Megan LaPierrePublished Nov 21, 2023

Earlier this month, Patrick Dempsey was named People's Sexiest Man Alive, long after his small-screen reign as McDreamy on Grey's Anatomy. It was strange timing, sure, but still felt at least somewhat deserved as a certified DILF.

A recent study carried out by marketing agency Reboot has now named Prince William the Sexiest Bald Man Alive, which just feels like the monarchy bullshit — and people aren't happy, especially at the egregious Stanley Tucci erasure.

The procedure for determining the Sexiest Bald Man Alive was an analysis of the frequency of searches of the names of bald celebrities alongside the words "shirtless" or "naked." Height, net worth and "head shininess" were also taken into account, and each contender was given a score out of 10.

Prince William somehow scored a 9.88, putting him ahead of actors Vin Diesel, Jason Statham and Samuel L. Jackson. Particularly unforgivable was putting Jeff Bezos at No. 5 — that net worth must have been pulling a lot of weight — before Michael Jordan, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Shemar Moore, Shaquille O'Neal and Terry Crews.

That's right, Tucci didn't even make the Top 10. A farce! Election interference! People simply respect him too much to try to Google his nudes.

Other glaring omissions from the list include Christopher Meloni, whose exclusion is especially heinous because he's more caked-up than a birthday party any day of the week — and, of course, Mr. Clean; there's something undeniably sexy about sparkling countertops.

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