I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”
I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent
rip to the real queen of England
Sad to think that an entire generation of great British actors will primarily be remembered for playing bits in Harry Potter films.
Me: “When’s your birthday” Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff” Actually I just wanna check the court websites
.@NYTimes prints a story about Republicans softening their images by appearing with their wives and, in it, features a GOP candidate posing with someone else’s wife and kids. The story should be that this Republican is lying about having a wife and kids but… NYT…
Chappell Roan lately
Chappell Roan will no longer be performing at All Things Go this weekend.
chappell roan was a lotta people's new favorite parasocial cuddly toy and then she went "hey I'm a person give me some space and also here are my extremely reasonable political opinions" and some of the Can't Make a Phone Call Squad are really struggling with that
Not to brag but, I ACTUALLY found a raspberry beret at the second hand store.
Is any of it going to fit him?
Lingerie retailer Bravissimo, which was set up by entrepreneur Sarah Tremellen almost 30 years ago, has been sold to a Japanese giant. bit.ly/3BesAsH
i hate how fast this app refreshes like bitch i was reading that
One of the worst teenage experiences is being in a car with a white boy when a rap song comes on and then he starts driving fast as fuck. Like slow down Bernard
The duality of man
I have a working theory that Ellen DeGeneres is using the substance to become Jojo Siwa
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No, sir, I’m afraid that was all you.
RFK Jr: The Democratic Party spent tens of millions of dollars… to make me look like a crazy person
notice how he’s still on the bench
Aura. Vía @celtics
The NBA has such a knack for going from radio silence to complete chaos in the blink of an eye lol
BREAKING: The Minnesota Timberwolves are nearing a trade to send All-Star Karl-Anthony Towns to the New York Knicks, sources tell me and @JonKrawczynski.
September 28
Welcome to New York, Karl.
I've been accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
say perhaps to drugs
Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.
Remember when Rihanna went on SNL and we ended up getting this iconic song
I love Joanna Newsom but the guy behind The Lonely Island and Hot Rod is at least equivalent in talent
joanna newsom/andy samberg. The world’s greatest living poet and a guy who built his career on derpfacing. Something we can learn about love in all this
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I am off "The bathroom" . No more going there, for me
do men Sneeze Like That for attention
just thought of norm macdonald’s bit after the release of dirty work: “people said it failed—how could it have failed? it made A MILLION dollars!”
Francis Ford Coppola’s ‘MEGALOPOLIS’ earns $1.8M in the film’s domestic opening day. Budget was $120M Read our review: bit.ly/DFMega
i read a lot of reviews calling this movie “unwatchable” and “bewildering” and “a stunning disappointment” and all that’s done is draw me into her web. i have to see.
netflix has the worst movies bro no wonder mfs just start f*cking😭
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Omg Pride and Prejudice.
gotta say. that’s a new one for me.
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Florida's biggest problem is climate change but desantis convinced them it was drag queens and books.
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Imagine being the guy caught under 47 metric tons of mud on your dying breaths knowing that at any moment you can take your last breath and the guys in charge of saving you are playing origami with a piece of feel good cloth
POWERFUL: Our team has been able to survey some of the damage in Asheville. It’s truly horrific. We stumbled upon this moving moment. A flag found among the debris and muck being folded and cared for. It will be retired from use. More tonight: @NBCNightlyNews #Helene2024 #ncwx
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Just another case of why not everything needs to have a computer built into it.
Hurricane Helene victims with water damage to electronic locks are unable to re-enter their homes--heed accordingly
Media pundits: the problem with climate change is it's too slow moving and remote for people to feel it's impacting their lives. Climate change:
my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
I have a theory that I must have died during the start of the pandemic when I was working on the frontlines and now this is just hell
I bring a sort of “why do we do it this way” vibe to the work place that most don’t like
This is literally capitalism
Coquitlam, British Columbia — another city overtaken by homeless encampments in the past few years. From Vancouver all the way to Kamloops and Kelowna, this is the fruits of failed socialist policies.
chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?
September 29
Bowen took a mental health break from his podcast last year while having a severe dissociative episode. He’s providing cultural commentary about how people are treating Chappell like a literal zoo animal, not making fun of her. Bowen Yang they could never make me hate you!
Menards rebates are 11%. My culture is not a costume
Tim Walz hasn’t been this excited since he got a 10% rebate on a leaf blower from a Menards #SNLPremiere
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Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit
godspeed you black emperor scene report;
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Obsessed with the man in the suit who knows how to hold crabs in exactly the way that makes it impossible for them to pinch him. Who are you, sir……what is your story………
It’s hilarious how conservatives are terrified of crime on the NYC subway when this is a much more accurate depiction of what it’s like pic.x.com/eIHD1jAdlL
Cops when people are starving after a natural disaster
Not gentle reminder, if you are taking food, water medicine, and survival supplies, that’s not looting, it is choosing not to die, and it is fine actually.
bears sensing a biblical scale flood and climbing a 50 foot tree is some real end of times shit. an ominous portent. this should make you deeply uneasy
This was posted 3 days ago outside of Asheville, NC. 👇
any smoke is bad but you really don't want it in the primary colors
Video via my stepson’s mother of fire at bio lab in Conyers, Ga right now.
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Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.
"if you hate elon so much then why are you still here" BECAUSE I WAS HERE FIRST. WHY SHOULD I LEAVE. HE'S THE ONE WHO SUCKS
the fucking purge?
Trump says his idea for stopping crime is to allow for “one really violent day”: “One rough hour, and I mean real rough...”
I’ve never finished a film and *immediately* thought what will I watch now? I loathe how streaming services won’t let you just sit with the ending and the music and credits and reflect on what you just watched, they’re just always ramming the next ‘content’ down your throat.
?
I heard you loud and clear 👂🏻Adelaide, I got you! Tickets on sale TOMORROW for June 26th on THE LIFETIMES TOUR 🦋
September 30
good taste can only be developed as a result of early access to the internet and childhood neglect
Me: I have a toothache WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
top 10 funniest acting choices ever made. here, ms. kidman is searching for a clue that might help her find her missing child. and for a brief second, she chooses to look around this dark room w a pair of binoculars, almost as if to say, what are binoculars and how do they work
This is probably the best “sorry just now seeing this” I’ve ever seen.
I just found out the other day that Bob Newhart was gone. Rest in peace Bob. You brought us a lot of joy.
feel like i can get some mileage out of this one
larry david being so horribly framed is killing me
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sometime i feel like frankstein monter
no not rats having better access to reproductive healthcare than most women
NYC will soon be giving rats birth control pills to stop reproducing. There are 3,000,000 rats in New York City
feeling emo as HELL at this picture of Tony Hawk holding & staring lovingly at his grandson who is also Kurt Cobain’s grandson 💞💞💞
Kurt Cobain’s daughter, Frances Bean Cobain, and Tony Hawk’s son, Riley Hawk, announce they have welcomed their first child together. A boy named Ronin Walker Cobain Hawk.
close enough, welcome back Jesus Christ
Kurt Cobain’s daughter, Frances Bean Cobain, and Tony Hawk’s son, Riley Hawk, announce they have welcomed their first child together. A boy named Ronin Walker Cobain Hawk.
Ronin Walker Cobain Hawk sounds like the name of the first American to shoot a Martian
at my big age i should know better than to ask a man two questions in an email when i need both of them answered
he said “i started watching women’s basketball bc of you” n she hit the jim halpert.
.@marlon_humphrey a big @Reese10Angel fan 💜
My hot pocket looking at me in the microwave at 2:45 AM
Kawhi Leonard at media day 💀 (via @Balldontlie) pic.x.com/wLuNZMgveu
Pete Rose was banned for life for betting on baseball. EVERY SPORTS SHOW covering his death is sponsored by a Gambling site. This is the dumbest time there’s ever been to be alive.
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The immediate cost of 9/11 was around 35 billion dollars. This is how much Elon lost with Twitter. He did a business 9/11.
Fidelity estimates that Twitter (X)'s value has dropped to $9.4B A 79% decrease since Elon Musk took over 📉
Wtf why did he unfollow Kendrick? Did something happen
Drake has unfollowed multiple people on Instagram 😬 ▫️ Kendrick Lamar ▫️ Playboi Carti ▫️ LeBron James ▫️ Rick Ross ▫️ DeMar DeRozan ▫️ Joe Budden ➕ more
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Breaking News: I did not go to my husband's workplace today to cheer him on. Despite this stunning lack of support, we are still together. Thank you for respecting our privacy at this time
Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce Still Together Despite Her NFL Game Absences | Click to read more 👇 tmz.me/d3nvG0S
"Nothing beats in-person interaction". Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.
Thinking about when I left my wallet on a Chicago bus. A guy found it, found my number, and called me. I drove to his house somewhere near Stony Island and he was in the front yard BBQing. When I walked up he handed me 1. My wallet 2. A hot dog 3. A homemade brownie.
“don’t use q-tips to clean your ears, you’ll just push the wax in further!!” well, yeah, sure, except for my special technique. if I use my special technique then it’s fine.
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I can’t believe this made me laugh I’m so ashamed
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kyle rittenhouse
ALMOST TALK TUAH TUESDAY ‼️ Guess the guest this week 😊
October 1
ok thanks that’s enough
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
me reading the all-staff “friendly reminder” email that is absolutely about me
I volunteer to leave at 2pm.
We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
Just to be clear, we’re on the cusp of WW3 all because a small faction of a religious group believe that their god promised them some land over 3000 years ago. It’s 2024, by the way!
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i just know israel isn’t bombing 4 fucking countries right now but yall want me to “pray for israel”
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That's crazy. What do Israeli rockets do when they hit inside Gaza and Lebanon?
THIS ISN’T NORMAL. Every single one of these rockets is meant to kill.
you gotta admit, it would be pretty sick if climate change was a hoax
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HOLY DAMN HELL
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Bruh I missed the debate did he actually say this?
“You said you weren’t going to fact check” is HUGE loser energy. #VPDebate2024
So, immigrants come to this country (with fentanyl & guns to sell) but steal your job demanding to work for less than minimum wage. Then, with all those sub-minimum wages, outbid you on a house. (And may be eat your pets). Got it.
You literally can’t rent or own a home without a social security number. Migrants are not causing the housing crisis.
love the idea of immigrants crossing the border and immediately outbidding a white couple for a 3 bed/2 bath in suburban Virginia
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Collins: You can't blame the media for for those threats. Jr: When someone allows people to have a platform to call someone literally Hitler.. Collins: JD Vance once likened your father to Hitler
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Chloe Fineman get ready
will use “thank you for explaining the legal process” on any man who talks to me for too long from now on
What's breathtaking about Vance is that he tells a personal story of govt helping him out - food stamps, grandmother's social security, GI Bill funding his college. But he stands for taking all that away.
If I send you this it means I’m about to lie in the most articulate manner possible…
Can confirm
JD Vance is every rich kid you wanted to beat the crap out of in every John Hughes movie.
Tim Walz: “We’re pro women” JD Vance: “I know a woman, she’s watching, hello woman”
JD Vance has the energy of the guy they bring out to talk financing when you’re buying a car who only looks at your husband
Babe what's wrong, you don't like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
I can’t tell if he’s supposed to be behind her, next to her, or in front of her
The Russo Brothers’ ‘THE ELETRIC STATE’ follows an alt-history where Walt Disney’s Disneyland animatronics led to intelligent robots who revolted against their creators Mr Peanut, voiced by Woody Harrelson, is the leader of the robot insurgency (Source: vanityfair.com/hollywood/stor…)
People ask why I'm still here. You're telling me I get to watch a top 5 asshole in the world lose $44-billion in real time, and you want me to leave???
Jimmy Carter is now too old to play with Legos 🧱
“First President born in a hospital” is one of those things that puts time into perspective bc whoa.
First president to be born in a hospital First president from Georgia First president to reach 100
new type of person just dropped
having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
This billboard speaks to me
October 2
hate how the area around my desk gets so dusty and dirty just because that's where i spend 40+ hours a week shedding skin cells and slowly dying
Me: did you brush your teeth this morning? My kid: yes. Me: well I just felt your toothbrush and it’s completely dry. My kid:
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You guys IT'S HERE
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All of Canada losing their sh*t right now...
It’s National Smarties Day! Are you a fan of this classic? #NationalSmartiesDay
This will make my 140km/h look more reasonable, so thanks I guess
Speed limit to be upped to 110 km/h on all 400-series highways in Ontario, says Doug Ford cp24.com/news/2024/10/0…
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friend saw this guy on the apps lol
okay what the fuck is going on
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Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.
October 3
Y’all just need to get over January 6th. It was almost four years ago. ~ @gop
JD Vance refused to answer this question at the debate but he told us Donald Trump won the 2020 election.
Hi John -- can you explain why America, which doesn't have a carbon tax, is seeing the same kind of food price inflation?
Food is unaffordable here in Canada. Why? Two words. Carbon. Tax.
JOKER: FOLIE A DEUX? Oh, you mean A Scar Is Born?
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YouTube Pants
YouTube Shorts will increase video length to 3 minutes
the intellectual powerhouse of Canada I’ve been told
me telling the youth about the complimentary cookies and espresso machine in the porter airport lounge
people in toronto tweet this every time they don’t get invited to a birthday party
Toronto is such a weird fake & dark city. It’s like a permanent dark cloud over Ppl. Y’all are so fuckin miserable and boring & jus hate yourselves
This person says immigrants will come live in your house with you if Kamala wins.
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I fear America as a nation is genuinely not prepared for a Mets-Phillies division series. South Jersey will be a war zone. Our Interstate Wawa System is at risk of collapse. Our strategic Hoagie and Tanning Oil Reserves will be severely stressed. We may never know peace again.
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I want a “reverse Costco” where you can buy small amounts of items you will rarely use again, like specialty ingredients. Let me pay $1 for 1 oz of fish sauce. Yes, I can get much more for not that much more money but then I’ll feel guilty every time I see it in my fridge.
