Scary MoVie [Blu-Ray]

Just shy of the nadir of moronic spoof movies (that distinction is still afforded to everything Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer have done post-Scary Movie 4), Scary MoVie (see what they did there?) essentially applies the Girl Talk method to filmmaking. If you're not familiar with that human virus of cannibalistic cultural appropriation, he's a famous mash-up DJ. Pair Metallica with ABBA and watch the unlikely juxtaposition reach directly into the hearts and wallets of easily amused, nostalgic hipsters desperate to validate something that requires no active creation as a form of art. Such is the case with Malcolm D. Lee's approach to the Scary Movie franchise, not that anyone with colon vision enough to identify as a hipster would ever cop to digging such lowbrow entertainment in movie form. Unlike the Wayans-produced A Haunted House, which, while juvenile and silly, had a narrative under all the tasteless jokes, Scary MoVie doesn't even bother trying to find a reason for existing. Lee (Undercover Brother) and writers David Zucker and Pat Proft (who should know better) simply recreate scenes from popular recent movies and toss them together. Half of the time, they don't even bother to riff on the situation, content to let the mere idea of the same characters experiencing plot elements from multiple familiar movies stand in for humour. What we're left with is a remake of Mama mixed with Paranormal Activity (the second, specifically — a pool cleaning device figures prominently), a little Black Swan, a dash of Inception and a very tenuously connected subplot shoehorned in from Rise of the Planet of the Apes. They even spoof a spoof — the crazy Hispanic housekeeper feels borrowed from A Haunted House more than a goof on any serious version of the stereotypical character. The funniest Scary MoVie gets is when it strays from the formula, sending Ashley Tisdale's ballet-obsessed punk bassist to meet with Christian Grey in his S&M dungeon bedroom. That scene is very nearly actually funny in its uncut form, which is found in the deleted scenes — the only special features on this future bargain bin staple. Jerry O'Connell getting a visible erection after being punched in the face by Mike Tyson is light years beyond most of the flaccid, desultory farce that comprises this waste of time.