Tweet not found
The embedded tweet could not be found…
who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
I yelled at a guy to get off his phone at a red light and he gave me the finger as he drove away and then waved his phone mockingly at me when I caught up with him. It only got funnier as I continually caught up with him, and he felt like he had to keep it up
Please be aware that currently the M11
Tweet not found
The embedded tweet could not be found…
boy the dentist sure loves taking X-rays. always needs more pics of my skull for her little files. she is sooooo obsessed
oh yeah one more thing about this: ITS THE CIRCUS THAT COMES TO TOWN YOU IDIOT NOT THE ZOO. ZOOS DONT MOVE. WHY ARE YOU SO BAD AT THIS
This whole interaction is so Nathan Fielder coded pic.x.com/BdH6ioaZfA
I'm sorry does she think he's been president this whole time??
man if i wanted to die i’d jump from my IQ to yours.
ain't she indian? wym asian american
I sent her sister to Vietnam.
2024: People wanting to be a #Brat during #BratSummer 1966:
Girl, leave me the fuck alone.
You’re probably cracking your eggs wrong — which could be hazardous to your health trib.al/LDcApbs
August 24
the inventor of deodorant was prolly fed tf up
Tweet not found
The embedded tweet could not be found…
I’m tripping or do Rochelle Aytes & Margot Robbie look like the black & white versions of each other?
Apple and Nike used to advertise on this website
Boom!💥 🤣
I’ll never get tired of calling y’all dumb. Anybody willingly voting to abolish the Department of Education is dumb as fuck.
this is just the plight of all men from Massachusetts. every man I know from here has this.
‘Ben has a darkness to him that no other person can fix’: Jennifer Lopez source slams Affleck trib.al/hJoN5kf
Tweet not found
The embedded tweet could not be found…
i love talking about movies…i love saying “i haven’t seen that one…but it’s on my list”
🎵 What’s with these homies finding my corpse 🎵
When they play paper planes at a rally and Trump thinks its happening again
M.I.A. endorses Donald Trump in new post: “Trump is going to ride America through the most challenging 4 years”
me: give it to me straight doc doctor: you have seven months to live me: give it to me gay doc doctor: it’s giving seven months
was voting republican for the male gays aswell katy.
They say I do it for the male gaze but the truth is I do it for the MALE GAYSSSS 😘 Thank you EVITA for hosting a fabulous party last night 🧡 143. i love you.
August 25
Tweet not found
The embedded tweet could not be found…
Tweet not found
The embedded tweet could not be found…
told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”
Tweet not found
The embedded tweet could not be found…
Substance abuse!
I don't want to touch screens anymore, I hate it. I want dials, knobs, levers. Maybe even some cranks. Big chunky buttons. What's wrong with us? Why did we do this to ourselves?
Tweet not found
The embedded tweet could not be found…
A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.
This hurts so much, why do I keep ordering it?
Yes, famous lover of guns and what they do, John F. Kennedy
The last Democrat who loved America.
When I get taken to a CIA black site, this is definitely the video they’re gonna Clockwork Orange me with
Told my mum to watch out for the Reverend Mother calling Maria a Cunt Face and she hasn’t stopped laughing since
One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn't actually have any ham in the ingredients and that's the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
fuck a rap battle this a life long battle with yourself
Drake is hinting that he’s ready to go for a second battle with Kendrick Lamar 👀😳 — "We will win game 2" (via his instagram)
he’s so cool i wish i could support him in a way that doesn’t involve listening to his music 💔
Macklemore cancels his show in the UAE in solidarity with the Sudanese people: “The last 10 months l've been learning what factors/motivators feed genocide and global systemic oppression. I keep getting led back to self interest over collective interest at the root. Capitalism
Marine veteran arrested after writing book detailing his involvement in the Jan. 6 insurrection trib.al/ENB22JS
Tweet not found
The embedded tweet could not be found…
3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?” Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!” 3 yr old: starts sobbing.
paul sweeping the floor with their asses
More pictures from the Irish NVS Show, super quality exhibits
Me on Tuesday morning
oasis reunion at coachella so they traumatise the crowd of influencers
In 2009 my Dad was gonna take me all the way to Sunderland to see Oasis then bottled it and promised me he’d take me on their next tour, can’t wait to see how rattled he is when I try and hold him to it
Tweet not found
The embedded tweet could not be found…
Tweet not found
The embedded tweet could not be found…
Tweet not found
The embedded tweet could not be found…
It’s incredible how many people didn’t understand that Brexit would mean a British Exit from the EU
“I’m fed up with going away to Europe and apologising…you feel embarrassed.” Lorraine Kelly says queues at passport control post-Brexit make her feel like a “untermensch.” @reallorraine | @HugoRifkind 📻 shorturl.at/XaS1r
August 26
Moms really ate with that “one day you’ll understand” thing cause one day arrived fr
SO IS THE BABY
What's your favorite crash out?
Do we have houses?
A good house party has become a lost art
Arts funding
Oasis are trending. What else from the '90s should make a comeback?
I would give this season of Emily in Paris 1000000 out of 10 stars. absolutely bonkers outfits, no plot of which to speak. i don't think anyone who wrote the dialogue has spoken to a human person. Emily should be imprisoned for life. I need more and I need it now.
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren't louder
Dermatology is the perfect medical field. Your patients rarely die, and they never really get better. You just keep saying, ‘Try this and come back.’😂
She was paying for twitter? Dumb ass
The world’s oldest living person, María Branyas Morera, has died at the age of 117. She was the eighth oldest verified person in human history.
WHAT IS AN ABORTION FOOD TRUCK HELP
dude this is like the funniest shit ever to me the burger king in my town was SO BAD they were cut off from the chain and are now just called burger. they still have the same menu too just with different names 😭
Canadian donut franchise Tim Horton's is named for a hockey player that died in horrible car accident, making the fact that the donut holes are called "timbits" all the more macabre
Has he not heard about all the crazy primeval worms and bacteria that defrost from those things? This behaviour is laughably irresponsible, so foolish as to be amusing. There's a word to describe it, but it's not coming to me.
Ludacris drinks fresh glacier water for the first time💧❄️
I don't get it, this is like the #1 best person to sit next to on a plane. Won't talk to you, won't touch you, won't get wasted, definitely showered this morning, probably won't play videos out loud on his phone, 10/10 ideal seat mate.
You get on a plane and find your seat next to this person. What do you do?
Tweet not found
The embedded tweet could not be found…
Tweet not found
The embedded tweet could not be found…
“you can’t see oasis because you haven’t been to 10+ oasis shows” WELL IM FUCKING SORRY BARRY FROM LIVERPOOL BUT WHILE YOU WAS SEEING OASIS 10 TIMES I WAS DOING SYNCHRONISED SWIMMING IN ME DADS BALLSACK
9am on here tomorrow
Oasis should update Wonderwall so the lyrics mention recent things like Hawk Tuah Girl and Deadpool and Wolverine.
If you never liked Oasis, or more daringly, thought they were boring, it is VITALLY important that you tell everyone. This is something that people NEED to know. Crush their joy. Everything must always and forever be about you.
Still the greatest Liam video ever
Taylor Swift did a presale only for fans who bought her last album. Oasis are doing the same but instead of buying an album you need to prove you haven't spoken to your brother in 5 years.
family counsellor, conflict resolution specialist, a priest
3 supports acts for the Oasis gig… who are you picking? 👀
i think about this every day
Tweet not found
The embedded tweet could not be found…
August 27
wait i invented “because of woke”?? 😭😭😭
On this day two year ago, @_pem_pem posted the following tweet.
for what magazine
when i make up a person and a publication
aron piper for dust magazine
He’s not very good at drinking water
Jeremy Allen White for Calvin Klein. x.com/cravemedia_/st…
Humans are 60% water, basically celery with anxiety
Tweet not found
The embedded tweet could not be found…
One of my most closely-held beliefs is that the average person has no idea how much better a professional athlete is than they are
From NBA Reddit today:
The mysteries of life, a story in two parts
It’s a puzzle… they’re trying to puzzle you
This is my one issue with a phenomenal game in New York Times Connections. They often times try to “trick” you with a very obvious grouping but normal it’s missing one. These are four nba teams! That is a category! You can’t do that
welcome to 2024. every web page will try to open in its own app, while every document will try to open in a web browser
Tweet not found
The embedded tweet could not be found…
Tweet not found
The embedded tweet could not be found…
Leonardo DiCaprio’s 19-year-old girlfriend, who is 49,
My sister described ozempic to me and uh, forgive me, but it kinda seems like they managed to manufacture anorexia.
i hope the new menendez brothers show includes a scene of erik painting this portrait of kathy griffin
Tweet not found
The embedded tweet could not be found…
Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
The guy in the middle can still hug his kids though
Guy in the middle is the youngest. Wild
holy heck he actually did it
Honestly you cannot make this up. #cdnpoli
CBC News found that Conservative MPs accounted for 79% of the spending by MPs, billing their House of Commons office budgets for $426,283 to go to Quebec City in September 2023. Conservative MPs were the only ones to bill Parliament for spouses' travel cbc.ca/news/politics/…
I'm Canadian, I'm broke. My kids went to London UK to try and see Taylor Swift. I spent $12/day at the drive thru coffee and breakfast each day. I bought some of grifter PP's merch. I'm broke and it's Trudeau 's fault. Signed every CPC supporter in Canada. #cdnpoli
BREAKING: Marjorie Taylor Greene is thinking
BREAKING: Marjorie Taylor Greene is thinking about leaving Congress
Whoever writes for @JDVance are big fans of @timheidecker. There is NO OTHER EXPLANATION FOR THIS AMAZING SHIT
tim walz: married guys, you know sometimes you just have to let the wife have the remote control! hahahaha jd vance: (looking at notes) raising a baby daughter is a lot like having a W-2 employee,
Can somebody in Ohio please tell me how JD Vance got elected? He’s one of the most cringeworthy, socially awkward people I’ve ever seen. No redeeming qualities or redeeming policy positions whatsoever.
Tweet not found
The embedded tweet could not be found…
I ate 10 gas station hot dogs and now I can only turn my head to the left
when mariah carey saved a woman’s life on 9/11 by releasing Glitter and made her late to work at the world trade center because she stopped to buy the soundtrack
Name your favorite celebrity fact.
not gonna lie @liamgallagher kept his word 😂💙🫶 #oasisreunion
Tweet not found
The embedded tweet could not be found…
If I don't get Oasis tickets, i'm going to spend the next 12 months tweeting both brothers a list of every bad thing they've said about eachother to encourage another fall out. If I Don't get to see it, no one else gets to see it either.
Me, walking up to the ticket office at Wembley on July 25 next year, shiny £20 note in my hand: One for Oasis, please.
There is a lot of "only over 40s should be allowed to go to Oasis" types going around considering they will have to rely on their children's well honed Ticketmaster skills to even dream of getting a seat.
I’m beginning to think these may be connected
I’ve just learned about the Oasis stuff and i am very happy for the white community ❤️
just know that for the next few months, every Oasis interview or reference is going to make me think of bob odenkirk saying "doo-dah, doo-daaaaah"
Tweet not found
The embedded tweet could not be found…
“The shoot was top secret” Liam on twitter to his 3 M followers: hello everyone I’m doing a photoshoot today
August 28
i'm fucking crying
We regret the error
BRUNO😭😭😭
terribly sorry about this but in my defense it was really easy to edit
New posters for ‘JOKER 2’ In theaters on October 4
I remember when a computer didn't automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
I think the one way in which men have it harder than women is at any moment you could be victimised by the menswear guy
The Cotsco Dad would've made Shelley Duvall do the staircase scene 128 times
Costco Guys BTS
I respect the way they opened this lmao
Due to the sheer lack of compelling options, “Deadpool & Wolverine” is expected to top the box office in its sixth weekend of release. bit.ly/476PvlR
If I was Travis Kelce and I was getting $100 million to make a podcast, the absolute first thing I’d do is quit my other job where huge strong men repeatedly slam into my head and body with tremendous force.
🚨BREAKING: Travis and Jason Kelce are signing a 3-year, 100+ MILLION dollar deal with Amazon for their podcast, "New Heights." 👀👀👀👀 A pretty historic deal.
When this happened in 2009, my coworker called me over to her desk to look at the People.com website and was like “am I losing my mind or is Oprah’s face floating in this picture”
I love when an IT guy refers to my laptop as “your machine”
guy in my zoom meeting thinks he’s muted and keep burping and farting and saying “oof” a lot. nobody on the call is saying anything about it. I believe there is a tacit understanding between us all that this is something special and is not to be disturbed.
w--why didn't he stop
Dramatic video captured the moment a tree came crashing down and nearly hit a cyclist as thunderstorms hit Milwaukee on Tuesday. The cyclist was okay.
Tweet not found
The embedded tweet could not be found…
One of the highest honors you can receive as a straight guy is being called a hot woman’s ugly boyfriend. It means you’re doing something extremely right
Lana Del Rey was seen dining with her new ugly boyfriend in London.
Think of the amazing amount of power and money this guy has and he has the brain of an 8th grader
#ONpoli “Folks, did you know that Ontario’s convenience stores are also a great place to buy cigarettes and vapes to go with your booze? Just let me know what you’re addicted to and we’ll put it in Circle K.”
"The return of Trump's legal issues to center stage presents new challenges for" WHOM?????
🍍 five years later…🍍
Update: The Trump administration just officially made good on its goal to privatize the inspection of the kill line in pork slaughterhouses. The pork industry is now responsible for inspecting itself. bit.ly/30skUei
Tweet not found
The embedded tweet could not be found…
I saw Boar's Head was trending and my first thought was to wonder what Kennedy did this time.
Trying to understand JD Vance’s “sense of humor”
First half of clip is JD Vance today saying he doesn’t need a teleprompter like Kamala Harris because he’s smart. Second half of clip is him minutes later calling Abbey Gate in Afghanistan “Abbey Road,” which is a Beatles album.
Right into the subtitle hall of fame
It is blowing my mind that Harris was AG of CA and a US Senator AND the VP and folks are like “she’s unqualified.” Like who tf is qualified then?
It’s especially impressive because Donald has a history of not renting to Black people.
Rent free
Response to the assassination attempt last month. Was split about posting but we heard the news a couple hrs before our show in Nashville and it would have been weird to ignore so I came up with this:
Tweet not found
The embedded tweet could not be found…
do the writers of veep feel dumb for not coming up with a plot line where gary or mike get in a shoving match with officials at arlington national cemetery for not allowing campaign photos
Vance: First, the altercation at Arlington cemetery is the media creating a story where I don't really think there is one…
Tweet not found
The embedded tweet could not be found…
August 29
Tweet not found
The embedded tweet could not be found…
Let’s please just have a POTUS who doesn’t start a fight in a cemetery. That’d be nice. Small things.
Listen up babe, new playlist just dropped
She looks at her 7th bedroom, “Ben used to hide here.”
Jennifer Lopez isn’t comfortable living in $68M mansion she shared with Ben Affleck: ‘Too many memories’ trib.al/q8MB8zp
Doing this with a pierogi in Lake Erie
Went to Roatan to dip my mango in the ocean like Rihanna! And it’s so good!!! 😩
Tweet not found
The embedded tweet could not be found…
it's so funny to me that elon thinks we're going to do banking on here. imagine going to the bank and a guy makes fun of your outfit while three people call you slurs
made eye contact in the office bathroom mirror while washing my hands as the man went straight to the door from the urinal so then he pivots to the sink and said “guess we’re still doing all that even after covid haha”
And after the man welded a Canadian warship together using nothing but his bare hands and maple syrup the man got into his pickup truck, unfurled the flags he'd attached to the truck bed using hockey sticks and good old Canadian ingenuity, he sold his jet skis because carbon tax.
Wow. JD Vance is getting ruthlessly booed by the Firefighters Union in Boston—at the same convention where Tim Walz received a very warm welcome yesterday.
Are they booing JD Vance??
There are no words in the English language to properly describe how hard he botched this line.
Vance: We had hulk hogan. Don't worry. I will not try to take off my shirt here
You’re doing great sweetie — keep after that incel vote! 😽
BREAKING: I have gotten ahold of the full Kamala Harris CNN interview.
The woman pictured here is Caite Upton, who went viral years ago for a comically bad answer about education in America. Upton is also a hardcore MAGA supporter & promotes anti-vaxxer conspiracies. JD Vance is mocking Kamala Harris by arguing she’s so dumb she’s a MAGA woman.🤦🏽♂️
TRUMP: (desecrates the final resting place of fallen United States soldiers) MEDIA: Kamala Harris Didn’t List Her High School Job at McDonald’s on Her Resume to Be a Law Clerk
It does seem strange that Harris and Trump have never met until you realize it is because he supported an insurrection when she won for VP and then refused to concede and didn't show up to the inauguration. Now it should all make sense.
I WISH AN ASSHOLE HADN’T BOUGHT THIS APP.
