The subtitle hall of fame, Burger's new name, LMFAO SAME, Oasis are back in the game, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

August 23

I love my fiance, I can't wait to marry him, and I am glad that he wants to be involved in planning our wedding. However, from a project management perspective (e.g., budget, timeline, creating an event that is both legal & possible), I would like to remove him from the project.
— Jaclyn A. Siegel, PhD (@jacasiegel) August 24, 2024

who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight pic.twitter.com/zNaZofgTjN
— Robin Typhina Rex 𓅞🏳️‍🌈🦘 (@TyphinaRex) August 23, 2024

I yelled at a guy to get off his phone at a red light and he gave me the finger as he drove away and then waved his phone mockingly at me when I caught up with him. It only got funnier as I continually caught up with him, and he felt like he had to keep it up
— Emma "Fuck Doug Ford" Alter (@emm_a) August 24, 2024

https://t.co/harHOMHmxh pic.twitter.com/gi0Baa0jWo
— Jacob (@LFCJacobb) August 23, 2024

insane beautiful take from Bill Simmons on the Pulp Fiction podcast: the scene where the bullets don't hit Jules and Vincent has aged badly "because of the Trump assassination attempt"
— Hall & Wagenbach (@BenShh1) August 23, 2024

boy the dentist sure loves taking X-rays. always needs more pics of my skull for her little files. she is sooooo obsessed
— 6'3" pool boy bitch (@youwouldntpost) August 23, 2024

oh yeah one more thing about this: ITS THE CIRCUS THAT COMES TO TOWN YOU IDIOT NOT THE ZOO. ZOOS DONT MOVE. WHY ARE YOU SO BAD AT THIS https://t.co/DKBm4YpZCV pic.twitter.com/6M78UXIaZp
— Kristi Yamaguccimane (@TheWapplehouse) August 23, 2024

I'm sorry does she think he's been president this whole time?? pic.twitter.com/qsc4OmqNWl
— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) August 23, 2024

man if i wanted to die i'd jump from my IQ to yours. https://t.co/W68v146OPy
— Lys 🫶🏽✨ (@lyssah_a) August 23, 2024

I sent her sister to Vietnam. https://t.co/JjBryC8Qu8
— Lyndon Baines Johnson (@lyndonbajohnson) August 24, 2024

Girl, leave me the fuck alone. https://t.co/uZif7oXhs2
— Michael. (@yosoymichael) August 24, 2024

August 24

the inventor of deodorant was prolly fed tf up
— wife-ally (@dudeimnormal) August 25, 2024

Diarrhea shouldn't be spelled like that like most ppl who have it don't have time to get a PHD just to be able to write it in a text
— Blair Socci (@blairsocci) August 25, 2024

https://t.co/PeQDeqyPjj pic.twitter.com/awpOLsIDXU
— Guilemeo (@guilemeo) August 24, 2024

Apple and Nike used to advertise on this website pic.twitter.com/0U9JOv8sk4
— Megaphonix (@MegaphonixMusic) August 24, 2024

Boom!💥 🤣 pic.twitter.com/LTzDmiEuce
— JessicaUSAF (@JessicaUSAF) August 25, 2024

I'll never get tired of calling y'all dumb. Anybody willingly voting to abolish the Department of Education is dumb as fuck.
— IG:BADDIEEEY (@baddieeey) August 24, 2024

this is just the plight of all men from Massachusetts. every man I know from here has this. https://t.co/ndaDvLL0Ei
— hometown hussy (@ohhhussy) August 24, 2024

Both 30 Rock and The Muppets were shows about a neurotic showrunner trying to put on a live performance while failing to keep up with an overly confident blonde and a flighty stand-up comic
— Lindsay Fickvitch (@lfickvitch) August 24, 2024

i love talking about movies…i love saying "i haven't seen that one…but it's on my list"
— jonah (@earthisacage) August 25, 2024

🎵 What's with these homies finding my corpse 🎵 https://t.co/qRHA2iJDpx
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) August 25, 2024

When they play paper planes at a rally and Trump thinks its happening again https://t.co/C8bMgW4D7l
— Jack Fernandez (@jackanfer) August 25, 2024

me: give it to me straight doc

doctor: you have seven months to live

me: give it to me gay doc

doctor: it's giving seven months
— yash ⋆.˚ ᡣ𐭩 .𖥔 (@dildoswagginzs) August 25, 2024

was voting republican for the male gays aswell katy. https://t.co/Nqw77jcCG9 pic.twitter.com/dOvv8VJA1z
— masseduction (@m8ss3ducti0n) August 25, 2024

August 25

baby its not gonna happen. let it go. https://t.co/w8Xs9bk1Bl
— janito (@yassnito) August 25, 2024

lmfao SAME pic.twitter.com/CXsYW3x4Lr
— caliphornia QING (@caliphorniaqing) August 25, 2024

Lois Griffin: https://t.co/Tfi7thifNu
— chris🧼 (@bleachy_chris) August 25, 2024

told my sister "had to postpone my cat's third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day" and she just replied "I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history"
— abby govindan (@abbygov) August 25, 2024

i can't believe i was ever afraid of leaving mormonism. today instead of going to church i smoked weed, had a coffee, and made out with my gay wife this rips
— alice! 🔆🌾🇵🇸 (@tinysquash) August 25, 2024

Substance abuse! https://t.co/5QDR2kV8J7
— cornbread Bitch (@wobblymami) August 25, 2024

I don't want to touch screens anymore, I hate it. I want dials, knobs, levers. Maybe even some cranks. Big chunky buttons. What's wrong with us? Why did we do this to ourselves?
— Mitya (@Discollaborator) August 25, 2024

Service fees to pay bills should be illegal. Why tf do I gotta pay you to pay you???
— Tori✨ Candy Corn Spokesperson (@toricantstfu) August 25, 2024

A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter's blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud "did the milk man visit your mom?" What the actual fuck lady.
— Uncensored Barbie (@TheMamasaurus) August 25, 2024

This hurts so much, why do I keep ordering it? pic.twitter.com/RdVKR0t33y
— Scrümbled Eggs 🇵🇸 (@scrumble_eggs) August 25, 2024

Yes, famous lover of guns and what they do, John F. Kennedy https://t.co/riBwLxoYNj
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) August 26, 2024

When I get taken to a CIA black site, this is definitely the video they're gonna Clockwork Orange me with pic.twitter.com/DUxDF0kxoM
— Rap Game Edward Bernays (@Edward__Bernays) August 25, 2024

Told my mum to watch out for the Reverend Mother calling Maria a Cunt Face and she hasn't stopped laughing since pic.twitter.com/AGLVMaYImD
— Grace (@graceyldn) August 25, 2024

One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn't actually have any ham in the ingredients and that's the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
— Maia (@maiamindel) August 26, 2024

fuck a rap battle this a life long battle with yourself https://t.co/xehPglaT1B
— Teo 💎🗣 (@Teondre_) August 26, 2024

he's so cool i wish i could support him in a way that doesn't involve listening to his music 💔 https://t.co/AHnfNbHV3G
— anna nicole spliff (@hotgirlstutter) August 26, 2024

https://t.co/c9icH55IAW pic.twitter.com/aC50bXrlqh
— Joe Kassabian (@JoeKassabian) August 25, 2024

Everytime Chicago celebrates anything they're just like welp time to dump a bunch of bullshit In the river https://t.co/T8gDqM51LA
— Ricky Hollywood (@YSufferer) August 25, 2024

3 yr old: "At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?"

Me: "no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You'll continue to grow. Isn't that cool?!"

3 yr old: starts sobbing.
— Molly Wadzeck Kraus (@MWadzeckKraus) August 25, 2024

paul sweeping the floor with their asses https://t.co/3hJpUwVyfk
— katie (@gardeinqueen) August 25, 2024

Me on Tuesday morning https://t.co/3IFk96PVpt pic.twitter.com/YU9zAbvlvc
— The Magic Mod (@TaylorMod) August 25, 2024

oasis reunion at coachella so they traumatise the crowd of influencers
— tay (@hairball1952) August 25, 2024

In 2009 my Dad was gonna take me all the way to Sunderland to see Oasis then bottled it and promised me he'd take me on their next tour, can't wait to see how rattled he is when I try and hold him to it
— Ciaran (@CiaranBloo) August 25, 2024

.@blurofficial FIGHT BACK
— Noor (@lesbotastic) August 25, 2024

Still the funniest Oasis story. pic.twitter.com/p7mtlzjP4S
— James (@gortoshay1) August 25, 2024

The whole of the UK next Summer after seeing Oasis do 10 nights at Wembley and Manchester pic.twitter.com/upGIICLARw
— Wayne (@wayneleedsfan) August 25, 2024

It's incredible how many people didn't understand that Brexit would mean a British Exit from the EU https://t.co/lARLS5CbIh
— ellory smith (@ellorysmith) August 26, 2024

August 26

Moms really ate with that "one day you'll understand" thing cause one day arrived fr
— Princess🤭 (@hlulanimanyike) August 26, 2024

SO IS THE BABY https://t.co/KV1IAb09Ob pic.twitter.com/bXvqiql0Ru
— shark bait whoo ha ha (@beithandbrocc) August 26, 2024

Do we have houses? https://t.co/6Zn9QB15dO
— Sassy Scientist 👩🏽‍🔬 (@blacksciencegal) August 26, 2024

Arts funding https://t.co/UMiOxpLWIB
— James Topham (@JamesTophamWord) August 26, 2024

I would give this season of Emily in Paris 1000000 out of 10 stars. absolutely bonkers outfits, no plot of which to speak. i don't think anyone who wrote the dialogue has spoken to a human person. Emily should be imprisoned for life. I need more and I need it now.
— Ej Dickson (@ejdickson) August 26, 2024

Asked my coworker what's wrong & he said "I'm tired of faking that I like you guys" & honestly? Mood.
— Nikki (@TheNikkiRosa) August 26, 2024

[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren't louder
— Contemplectomy (@coral_dew) August 27, 2024

Dermatology is the perfect medical field. Your patients rarely die, and they never really get better. You just keep saying, 'Try this and come back.'😂
— All.the.cool.names.are.taken (@kayEasy_) August 27, 2024

She was paying for twitter? Dumb ass https://t.co/J2W61C93T1
— Patrick Sullivan (@PatchNavillus) August 27, 2024

WHAT IS AN ABORTION FOOD TRUCK HELP pic.twitter.com/e4Ow2XUgey
— DreamLeaf 🌱🌻 🍉 (@DreamLeaf5) August 26, 2024

dude this is like the funniest shit ever to me the burger king in my town was SO BAD they were cut off from the chain and are now just called burger. they still have the same menu too just with different names 😭 pic.twitter.com/bKzhl7JDh7
— pancake𓅢 (@ilovesubnautica) August 26, 2024

Canadian donut franchise Tim Horton's is named for a hockey player that died in horrible car accident, making the fact that the donut holes are called "timbits" all the more macabre
— Haus of Decline (@hausofdecline) August 26, 2024

Has he not heard about all the crazy primeval worms and bacteria that defrost from those things? This behaviour is laughably irresponsible, so foolish as to be amusing. There's a word to describe it, but it's not coming to me. https://t.co/ePkXcHaeuh
— Connie (@iamthedunce) August 26, 2024

I don't get it, this is like the #1 best person to sit next to on a plane. Won't talk to you, won't touch you, won't get wasted, definitely showered this morning, probably won't play videos out loud on his phone, 10/10 ideal seat mate. https://t.co/4NPSShSBA1
— Jill Filipovic (@JillFilipovic) August 26, 2024

Disguised is doing HEAVY lifting https://t.co/ZSZmMny2tH
— Kasey (@bastylefilegirl) August 27, 2024

I hope Chloe gets this guy's ticket in particular https://t.co/vZC6U4fUiS
— Brendan Harkin 💀 (@brendanjharkin) August 26, 2024

"you can't see oasis because you haven't been to 10+ oasis shows"
WELL IM FUCKING SORRY BARRY FROM LIVERPOOL BUT WHILE YOU WAS SEEING OASIS 10 TIMES I WAS DOING SYNCHRONISED SWIMMING IN ME DADS BALLSACK
— anais! OASIS REUNION (@INT0ANOTHER) August 26, 2024

9am on here tomorrow pic.twitter.com/E6ij6WtLJ1
— Super Hams (@TheRstott) August 26, 2024

Oasis should update Wonderwall so the lyrics mention recent things like Hawk Tuah Girl and Deadpool and Wolverine.
— Michael Balazo (@mbalazo) August 26, 2024

If you never liked Oasis, or more daringly, thought they were boring, it is VITALLY important that you tell everyone. This is something that people NEED to know. Crush their joy. Everything must always and forever be about you.
— Ned Hartley (@NedHartley) August 26, 2024

pic.twitter.com/86EpaYoPrS
— LFG 🌹 (@LabForGov) August 26, 2024

Still the greatest Liam video ever pic.twitter.com/ocfc5ZAKmq
— Aaron Nagler (@AaronNagler) August 26, 2024

Taylor Swift did a presale only for fans who bought her last album. Oasis are doing the same but instead of buying an album you need to prove you haven't spoken to your brother in 5 years.
— Ray Bradshaw (@comedyray) August 27, 2024

family counsellor, conflict resolution specialist, a priest https://t.co/UNMfTwesKy
— mount bellyache (@mountbellyache) August 27, 2024

i think about this every day pic.twitter.com/vTYPMQz6qr
— ౨ৎ abbie ⎕ (@mattysbff) August 26, 2024

Oasis. pic.twitter.com/jcpxPmNe5F
— Twonks (@twonkcomics) August 26, 2024

https://t.co/7TcHEiYwGi pic.twitter.com/tO5L3PUfRa
— Orbital Drop Shock Ryan (@Spark898) August 27, 2024

August 27

wait i invented "because of woke"?? 😭😭😭 https://t.co/FAoUqYjTTT
— P.E. Moskowitz (@_pem_pem) August 27, 2024

for what magazine https://t.co/EXFx2Lpkc4
— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) August 27, 2024

when i make up a person and a publication https://t.co/dYbxkVyOWX
— dixie normous (@kyle__plz) August 28, 2024

He's not very good at drinking water https://t.co/UfDAdfgngZ
— shawn (@shawnplup) August 27, 2024

Humans are 60% water, basically celery with anxiety
— Bob Golen (@BobGolen) August 28, 2024

All-timer https://t.co/sogx0D0DsZ pic.twitter.com/NVddY5Hlac
— Nick ✨ (@slothropsmap) August 27, 2024

One of my most closely-held beliefs is that the average person has no idea how much better a professional athlete is than they are https://t.co/89mSdKXZ6N
— David Brandon (@birdrightsnba) August 27, 2024

The mysteries of life, a story in two parts pic.twitter.com/xUEWzCjgi6
— lcamtuf (@lcamtuf) August 27, 2024

It's a puzzle… they're trying to puzzle you https://t.co/o7sVwYG0TI
— tyler wells (@tylerdw) August 27, 2024

welcome to 2024. every web page will try to open in its own app, while every document will try to open in a web browser
— Crowsa Luxemburg (@quendergeer) August 27, 2024

Every time I've gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it's the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.
— Richy Craven (@RichyCraven) August 27, 2024

Anyone post this one yet pic.twitter.com/g8iIksHDLq
— MR. MITCH (@gladstoned420) August 27, 2024

Leonardo DiCaprio's 19-year-old girlfriend, who is 49, pic.twitter.com/4GcxkX3sVi
— Julie Greiner (@JulieAbridged) August 28, 2024

My sister described ozempic to me and uh, forgive me, but it kinda seems like they managed to manufacture anorexia.
— 🍃 rue 🍃 (@Ruesavatar) August 27, 2024

i hope the new menendez brothers show includes a scene of erik painting this portrait of kathy griffin pic.twitter.com/ti9Dcn8YBp
— Tom Smyth (@Tom_Smyth_) August 27, 2024

Fuck, marry, kill but it's just me and you gotta do all three
— Goddammit, Jamie (@Jay_FrickinLynn) August 27, 2024

Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter's desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) August 27, 2024

The guy in the middle can still hug his kids though https://t.co/7L8xApRHHu
— The Jay Agenda (@JayJurden) August 27, 2024

holy heck he actually did it https://t.co/3gsfd5HQSb pic.twitter.com/PCOFqtooZb
— Greg with Two G's (@plusgreg) August 27, 2024

Honestly you cannot make this up. #cdnpoli https://t.co/9dc1gN27s6
— David Brown (@OrbitStudios) August 27, 2024

I'm Canadian, I'm broke. My kids went to London UK to try and see Taylor Swift. I spent $12/day at the drive thru coffee and breakfast each day. I bought some of grifter PP's merch. I'm broke and it's Trudeau 's fault. Signed every CPC supporter in Canada. #cdnpoli
— BC Reality (@BCReality) August 27, 2024

BREAKING: Marjorie Taylor Greene is thinking https://t.co/xd0l9RMHUy
— Greta (@GretaGrace20) August 27, 2024

Whoever writes for @JDVance are big fans of @timheidecker. There is NO OTHER EXPLANATION FOR THIS AMAZING SHIT pic.twitter.com/BtdB4YAh03
— bottlesalts (@bottlesalts) August 28, 2024

tim walz: married guys, you know sometimes you just have to let the wife have the remote control! hahahaha

jd vance: (looking at notes) raising a baby daughter is a lot like having a W-2 employee,
— rob (@ok_but_still) August 27, 2024

Can somebody in Ohio please tell me how JD Vance got elected? He's one of the most cringeworthy, socially awkward people I've ever seen. No redeeming qualities or redeeming policy positions whatsoever.
— Kenny BooYah! 🖖🏾 (@KwikWarren) August 27, 2024

Every time this guy appears on my feed he's acting like the wrong answer on an HR training https://t.co/pzZ39g42i8
— Gillian Branstetter (@GBBranstetter) August 27, 2024

I ate 10 gas station hot dogs and now I can only turn my head to the left
— Rosie Graves (@TeenyGhosts) August 28, 2024

when mariah carey saved a woman's life on 9/11 by releasing Glitter and made her late to work at the world trade center because she stopped to buy the soundtrack https://t.co/8xLrRmOYR0
— Alex (@alexxmalloy) August 27, 2024

#Oasis 🥹 pic.twitter.com/1mgOTQusAT
— Cam Reddin (@CamReddin) August 27, 2024

not gonna lie @liamgallagher kept his word 😂💙🫶 #oasisreunion pic.twitter.com/qD7vZOSYKM
— Kirstymcfcmil🩵🇬🇧 (@Kirstym84j) August 27, 2024

bucket hat salesmen and mod cut specialty barbers right now pic.twitter.com/GQ6CZTunDk
— Sorcha Ní Nia (@Luiseach) August 26, 2024

If I don't get Oasis tickets, i'm going to spend the next 12 months tweeting both brothers a list of every bad thing they've said about eachother to encourage another fall out.

If I Don't get to see it, no one else gets to see it either.
— DarrellClarkeBall Enjoyer 🚩 (@CadWMC) August 27, 2024

Me, walking up to the ticket office at Wembley on July 25 next year, shiny £20 note in my hand: One for Oasis, please.
— Chris Hewitt (@ChrisHewitt) August 27, 2024

There is a lot of "only over 40s should be allowed to go to Oasis" types going around considering they will have to rely on their children's well honed Ticketmaster skills to even dream of getting a seat.
— Cethan Leahy (@CethanLeahy) August 27, 2024

I'm beginning to think these may be connected pic.twitter.com/rKn8pGnnnY
— Dr. Aaron, PhD (@aaronposting) August 27, 2024

I've just learned about the Oasis stuff and i am very happy for the white community ❤️
— Vinny Thomas (@vinn_ayy) August 27, 2024

just know that for the next few months, every Oasis interview or reference is going to make me think of bob odenkirk saying "doo-dah, doo-daaaaah" pic.twitter.com/bxpRfI1BgA
— bossmoz (@BossMoz) August 27, 2024

Fans: "I can't wait for the Oasis reunion!"
The Gallaghers after two minutes on stage together: pic.twitter.com/XKli5vK3CV
— chris🧼 (@bleachy_chris) August 27, 2024

"The shoot was top secret"
Liam on twitter to his 3 M followers: hello everyone I'm doing a photoshoot today pic.twitter.com/xEMehnqX47
— Esther (@reconmemo) August 27, 2024

August 28

i'm fucking crying pic.twitter.com/oKck3oZEKP
— chloe 🦋 (@ChloeNumberIII) August 28, 2024

We regret the error pic.twitter.com/0cIz8rUM3c
— Zach Schonfeld (@zzzzaaaacccchhh) August 28, 2024

BRUNO😭😭😭 pic.twitter.com/yDE1iRPy7o
— pop culture gal (@allurequinn) August 28, 2024

terribly sorry about this but in my defense it was really easy to edit https://t.co/cvUATSrYd3 pic.twitter.com/cJBDn1N1WS
— D2 Postin'⬛️⬜️🟪 (@destiny_thememe) August 28, 2024

I remember when a computer didn't automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
— Granite Man 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 (@GraniteDhuine) August 28, 2024

I think the one way in which men have it harder than women is at any moment you could be victimised by the menswear guy
— Sophie Petzal (@Sonic_Screwup) August 28, 2024

The Cotsco Dad would've made Shelley Duvall do the staircase scene 128 times https://t.co/XJW2xqi9Pl
— chloe 🦋 (@ChloeNumberIII) August 28, 2024

I respect the way they opened this lmao https://t.co/wv2yn1rCrz
— Neil Bahadur (@NeilBahadur) August 29, 2024

If I was Travis Kelce and I was getting $100 million to make a podcast, the absolute first thing I'd do is quit my other job where huge strong men repeatedly slam into my head and body with tremendous force. https://t.co/2rvvyK2Rej
— John Moe (@johnmoe) August 28, 2024

When this happened in 2009, my coworker called me over to her desk to look at the https://t.co/OA9M7BnnU0 website and was like "am I losing my mind or is Oprah's face floating in this picture" https://t.co/zl04ceBtwe pic.twitter.com/o0lqHo6IU3
— c a i t l i n (@hello__caitlin) August 28, 2024

I love when an IT guy refers to my laptop as "your machine"
— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) August 29, 2024

guy in my zoom meeting thinks he's muted and keep burping and farting and saying "oof" a lot. nobody on the call is saying anything about it. I believe there is a tacit understanding between us all that this is something special and is not to be disturbed.
— nick, (@LouBegaVEVO) August 28, 2024

w--why didn't he stop https://t.co/Dh61GvAOUU
— sam. (@sammwichh) August 28, 2024

FOR THE LAST TIME if the day begins cloudy, it needs to stay that way because the vibes have been established and i refuse to adapt once again to that large goddamn star.
— anne t donahue (@annetdonahue) August 28, 2024

One of the highest honors you can receive as a straight guy is being called a hot woman's ugly boyfriend. It means you're doing something extremely right https://t.co/6qaSS7VH6K
— Mike Abrusci (@mikeabrusci) August 28, 2024

Think of the amazing amount of power and money this guy has and he has the brain of an 8th grader pic.twitter.com/zrRD3CzCDA
— evan loves worf (@esjesjesj) August 29, 2024

#ONpoli

"Folks, did you know that Ontario's convenience stores are also a great place to buy cigarettes and vapes to go with your booze? Just let me know what you're addicted to and we'll put it in Circle K." pic.twitter.com/tAzzsSjIQV
— TDot Resident (@TDotResident) August 28, 2024

"The return of Trump's legal issues to center stage presents new challenges for" WHOM????? pic.twitter.com/ieSP9B3D8o
— Ashton Pittman (@ashtonpittman) August 28, 2024

🍍 five years later…🍍 https://t.co/w1yhh8xLEk pic.twitter.com/5ml1nm1KfA
— ceeks (@70Ceeks) August 29, 2024

With listeria outbreak tied to Boar's Head deli meats resulting in 8 deaths and their Virginia facility linked to a national recall of meats due to mold, mildew, insects found throughout the site, a reminder this is a direct result of MAGA regime gutting FDA regulations in 2019.
— Ricky Davila (@TheRickyDavila) August 29, 2024

I saw Boar's Head was trending and my first thought was to wonder what Kennedy did this time.
— S.R.Miller (@SRMillerAuthor) August 28, 2024

Trying to understand JD Vance's "sense of humor" pic.twitter.com/CXpbVPWg9k
— The Good Liars (@TheGoodLiars) August 28, 2024

First half of clip is JD Vance today saying he doesn't need a teleprompter like Kamala Harris because he's smart. Second half of clip is him minutes later calling Abbey Gate in Afghanistan "Abbey Road," which is a Beatles album. pic.twitter.com/UgBjhioQ7I
— Ron Filipkowski (@RonFilipkowski) August 28, 2024

Right into the subtitle hall of fame pic.twitter.com/l9OHekjwly
— B.W. Carlin (@BaileyCarlin) August 28, 2024

It is blowing my mind that Harris was AG of CA and a US Senator AND the VP and folks are like "she's unqualified." Like who tf is qualified then?
— Powerful Witch (@thebutterknife) August 28, 2024

It's especially impressive because Donald has a history of not renting to Black people. https://t.co/I4WNK2wp3n
— Franklin Leonard (@franklinleonard) August 28, 2024

Response to the assassination attempt last month. Was split about posting but we heard the news a couple hrs before our show in Nashville and it would have been weird to ignore so I came up with this: pic.twitter.com/kgfqtscDUi
— Joe Pera (@JosephPera) August 28, 2024

Dude. https://t.co/7IgalkyzaF pic.twitter.com/vevw1DXCFc
— Tom Watson (@tomwatson) August 28, 2024

do the writers of veep feel dumb for not coming up with a plot line where gary or mike get in a shoving match with officials at arlington national cemetery for not allowing campaign photos https://t.co/QztEfNFbcN
— Payton Armstrong (@Payarm18) August 28, 2024

Can someone good at politics tell me what it means when you're feuding with the graveyard https://t.co/znZDssZtJO
— Gillian Branstetter (@GBBranstetter) August 28, 2024

August 29

1/ The Trump campaign at Arlington controversy can be confusing. Here it is, broken down simply.

You can't bring your own photography crew to Arlington without permission…
— Ben Kesling (@bkesling) August 29, 2024

Let's please just have a POTUS who doesn't start a fight in a cemetery. That'd be nice. Small things.
— Jeffrey Wright 🥜 (@jfreewright) August 29, 2024

Listen up babe, new playlist just dropped pic.twitter.com/fv205JBFq7
— Christine Pelosi (@sfpelosi) August 29, 2024

She looks at her 7th bedroom, "Ben used to hide here." https://t.co/TtORQhU3Gn
— Sam Morril (@sammorril) August 29, 2024

Doing this with a pierogi in Lake Erie https://t.co/jwu0HwxjCy
— LL Cool Tweet (@LLcoooltweet) August 29, 2024

https://t.co/DTV3dh7A9x pic.twitter.com/01FPdLRbJZ
— Geechi ⏯️ (@ThatDakari) August 29, 2024

it's so funny to me that elon thinks we're going to do banking on here. imagine going to the bank and a guy makes fun of your outfit while three people call you slurs
— derek guy (@dieworkwear) August 29, 2024

made eye contact in the office bathroom mirror while washing my hands as the man went straight to the door from the urinal so then he pivots to the sink and said "guess we're still doing all that even after covid haha" pic.twitter.com/kMUcwBnMs6
— chase. (@cfree94) August 29, 2024

https://t.co/rqN50L5Xnm pic.twitter.com/NLDmC0yrQB
— serge daney mcbride (@abs_sweetmarie) August 29, 2024

And after the man welded a Canadian warship together using nothing but his bare hands and maple syrup the man got into his pickup truck, unfurled the flags he'd attached to the truck bed using hockey sticks and good old Canadian ingenuity, he sold his jet skis because carbon tax. pic.twitter.com/Z7XrP10Qd0
— Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions (@mynamesnotgordy) August 29, 2024

Wow. JD Vance is getting ruthlessly booed by the Firefighters Union in Boston—at the same convention where Tim Walz received a very warm welcome yesterday. https://t.co/Km55sIvWSv
— MeidasTouch (@MeidasTouch) August 29, 2024

There are no words in the English language to properly describe how hard he botched this line. https://t.co/NIhcLDhn1l
— Kat Abu (@abughazalehkat) August 29, 2024

You're doing great sweetie — keep after that incel vote! 😽 https://t.co/Fg2lp8avum
— Christine Pelosi (@sfpelosi) August 29, 2024

The woman pictured here is Caite Upton, who went viral years ago for a comically bad answer about education in America. Upton is also a hardcore MAGA supporter & promotes anti-vaxxer conspiracies.

JD Vance is mocking Kamala Harris by arguing she's so dumb she's a MAGA woman.🤦🏽‍♂️ pic.twitter.com/xK6XA5qdO3
— Qasim Rashid, Esq. (@QasimRashid) August 29, 2024

TRUMP: (desecrates the final resting place of fallen United States soldiers)

MEDIA: Kamala Harris Didn't List Her High School Job at McDonald's on Her Resume to Be a Law Clerk
— Ben Wexler (@mrbenwexler) August 29, 2024

It does seem strange that Harris and Trump have never met until you realize it is because he supported an insurrection when she won for VP and then refused to concede and didn't show up to the inauguration. Now it should all make sense.
— Juliette Kayyem (@juliettekayyem) August 30, 2024

I WISH AN ASSHOLE HADN'T BOUGHT THIS APP.
— John Ales AF™️ (@IAmJohnAles) August 29, 2024

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: August 30, 2024

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