Meet the Spartans

Meet the Spartans is essentially a very long commercial peppered with excess faecal matter (both cat and penguin) and stock homophobia. It becomes clear somewhere around the second hip-hop dance sequence that the only real cinematic aim was to stretch the film long enough to be considered a feature. It would be unfair to blame the studio or even Seltzer and Friedberg for this abomination, as Date Movie and Epic Movie were similarly dreadful but proved financially rewarding at the box office. The blame needs to be passed on to the film going public for paying money to see crap like this. As long as the fatuous masses continue to flock in hordes to watch manure, smart businessmen will continue to crap it out. The flimsy plot roughly follows that of 300, as Leonidas (Sean Maguire) leads an army of 13 against Xerxes (Ken Davitian) and his numerically superior legions. Meanwhile, back at home, Queen Margo (Carmen Electra) attempts to rally support for her warrior husband while Traitoro (Diedrich Bader) remains true to his name. To spice up the plot, occasional pixelated beavers and pooping Happy Feet penguins pop up, as well as many unsurprising cameo impersonations of Paris, Britney, Howie Mandel, American Idol kids and judges, Ugly Betty and Dane Cook, as performed by the cast of Mad TV, who one can only assume were contractually obligated to appear. One of the many issues in Spartans is its humour, or lack thereof. The term "spoof” suggests a playful satire, which is not evident here. Many annoyingly recognisable pop culture signifiers jump onto the screen every few seconds and serve no purpose, as they aren’t criticised or assessed with any comedic insights; they exist only for the sake of recognition and familiarity to the short bus crowd. The most amusing portion of the film comes from the DVD gag reel, where some of the more talented thespians are able to show some of their real comedic chops. Additional DVD features include an Ike Barinholtz pseudo-roast, a severely homophobic stunt and training featurette, and a pop culture trivia game that is neither difficult nor funny.