Grimes' Bonkers Health Regime Includes Surgically Removing the Colour Blue from Her Vision

She also has sword fights and lengthy scream therapy sessions
Grimes' Bonkers Health Regime Includes Surgically Removing the Colour Blue from Her Vision
Lest you thought Grimes was becoming a little too relatable, she's just shared her workout regimen. Needless to say, it's the sort of out-there mishmash of bizarre phrases and buzz concepts befitting a Zoolander movie.

While modelling Stella McCartney's line for Adidas as part of a new campaign, Grimes (a.k.a. Claire Boucher) detailed her daily workout routine. The result is a collection of words so bizarre that they will be quoted for time immemorial as people try to decipher whether they're real or not.

Rather than try to cut them up ourselves, we now present to you Grimes' workout routine in all of its baffling beauty:

ADIDAS: Tell us about ur training regiment?

GRIMES: My training is a 360 approach. I first maintain a healthy cellular routine where I maximize the function of my mitochondria with supplements such as NAD+, Acetyl L-Carnitine, Magnesium, etc. This helps promote ATP and it's incredibly visceral. From that point I spend 2-4 hours in my deprivation tank, this allows me to "astro-glide" to other dimensions — past, present, and future. 

In the afternoons I do a 1-2 hour sword fighting session with my trainer, James Lew, we go over the fundamentals that work the obliques, core stabilizes, and triceps as well as a few tricks. To wind down from this I spend 30-45 minutes on an inclined hike at roughly 4-4.5 miles per hour, arguably the most efficient workout.

I then spend 45 minutes stretching before heading into the studio where my mind and body are functioning at peak level, with a neuroplastic goal between 57.5 and 71.5 AphC's (which is my preferred range for my blood type). I've outfitted my studio with the highest grade of red light. It is pretty much 1000 sqf IR Sauna. 
Hana then comes over and we do a screaming session for 20-25 minutes while I slow boil the honey tea that maximizes vocal proficiency.

I have also eliminated all blue light from my vision through an experimental surgery that removes the top film of my eyeball and replaces it with an orange ultra-flex polymer that my friend and I made in the lab this past winter as a means to cure seasonal depression.

I go to bed with a humidifier on.


Is this real? Is it a great joke? What's happening?
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

ADIDAS: Tell us about ur training regiment ? GRIMES: My training is a 360 approach. I first maintain a healthy cellular routine where I maximize the function of my mitochondria with supplements such as NAD+, Acetyl L-Carnitine, Magnesium, etc. This helps promote ATP and it's incredibly visceral. From that point I spend 2-4 hours in my deprivation tank, this allows me to "astro-glide" to other dimensions - past, present, and future. In the afternoons I do a 1-2 hour sword fighting session with my trainer, James Lew, we go over the fundamentals that work the obliques, core stabilizes, and triceps as well as a few tricks. To wind down from this I spend 30-45 minutes on an inclined hike at roughly 4-4.5 miles per hour, arguably the most efficient workout. I then spend 45 minutes stretching before heading into the studio where my mind and body are functioning at peak level, with a neuroplastic goal between 57.5 and 71.5 AphC's (which is my preferred range for my blood type). I've outfitted my studio with the highest grade of red light. It is pretty much 1000 sqf IR Sauna. Hana then comes over and we do a screaming session for 20-25 minutes while I slow boil the honey tea that maximizes vocal proficiency. I have also eliminated all blue light from my vision through an experimental surgery that removes the top film of my eyeball and replaces it with an orange ultra-flex polymer that my friend and I made in the lab this past winter as a means to cure seasonal depression. I go to bed with a humidifier on. #asmc #adidasparley #createdwithadidas #gentrifymordor

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