September 15
bIDeN iS In dEcLiNe AnD ToO OlD tO bE PrEsIdEnT
"You have voted ID to buy a loaf of bread" -- Trump still doesn't know how buying groceries works
Celebrities, my house is available for $5000/hr if you want to look poor in your apology video. Please bookmark just in case.
all celebrities must have a humble-looking room in their house in case they need to shoot an apology video
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I don't know what Russell Brand is guilty of, but from his response I do know he is more guilty than any man in recorded history
This is literally a coming of age movie 😭
Not an athlete being like "y'all just be in the gym for no reason???" It IS weird, Serena! It IS! 😂
I’m not used to working out with no goal or to be honest - no championship in my mind. This is super weird.
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It’s fair to assume there’s cameras everywhere now, but I’ve gotta admit: if you asked me to guess how good the night vision camera coverage of the audience at a Beetlejuice the musical show in Denver would be, I probably wouldn’t have guessed this good
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“Lauren Boebert was removed from a performance of Beetlejuice in Denver this week after she began to vape and engaged in sexual touching with her date. Political observers worry that Boebert is setting a dangerous example for young people by making musicals sound cool as hell.”
September 16
I have got to get serious about dating again because I don’t like the idea that lauren boebert is getting more action than me.
Out of context this graphic looks like @chrislhayes is about to rock the nation
The oracle, the seer
CONTROVERSIES: lots of people jacked off to "beetlejuice" because they thought he was a girl. it's perfectly normal & good [citation needed]
Aged like sour milk.
Send a case of champagne to the writers room for this twist. Extraordinary stuff.
Man Lauren Boebert was caught groping at ‘Beetlejuice’ owns gay-friendly bar that hosts drag shows trib.al/fIbbQz4
Remember when you could just wake up and say “mom I threw up” and that one phrase would erase every single responsibility for the day. I need that in adult form.
If you love true crime, you'll love this twisted fact about a famous psychopath. #sillystuff #nottooserious #eggs
She tried to catch him slipping 😂
Lady Gaga blowing Stevie Wonder a kiss 😭 pic.x.com/oOR8gnHua0
The guy who filmed that Russell Brand video
Genuinely unreal moment for a splice
This is happening
daniel sloss being the only comedian to speak on the record against russell brand, rare actual ally
this photo isn’t aging well in 2023
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my hamster used to live in one of these
Looking at this pic of Justin Bieber's house, I'll never understand why the infinitely rich choose to live in gaffs that look like millennium era lottery funded conference centres.
"Biden is too old," say the people whose presidential candidate clearly has advanced dementia.
Trump confuses Biden for Obama and then says Biden is “leading us into WWII” x.com/_Mama_Mia10/st…
objectively based on your personal opinion
Rank these 4 albums objectively based on your personal opinion
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this is the exact kind of show jack donaghy was pitching when he was purposely trying to tank the entire network. they even have jenna as a host
It’s almost as if Drew Barrymore listening to criticism and doing the right thing is having positive results. It’s almost as if we should create a society that encourages people to listen and change. It’s almost as if we should be a society that forgives.
'The Jennifer Hudson Show' Pushes Back Return Amid Writers Strike variety.com/2023/tv/news/t…
Who did Bill Simmons buy off to end Winning Time with a Celtics title
It is what it is. #WinningTime
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This is a joke, right? You pre-recorded an interview with multiple lies, then -- instead of not airing them or at least fact-checking in a real time -- ran that interview for millions on national TV, followed by a online fact check to be read by 1/100th of that?
Former President Trump made a spate of false and misleading comments about immigration, foreign policy, abortion and more in a wide-ranging interview with #MTP moderator Kristen Welker. Here’s an @NBCNews fact check of the interview. nbcnews.com/meet-the-press…
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This dumb fucking Las Vegas LED sphere is the only thing that makes me feel patriotic.
September 18
I'm begging him to please do this set me free
Elon Musk Suggests He Will Charge All X/Twitter Users a Fee to Be on the Platform variety.com/2023/digital/n…
I’m never leaving
What does the first T stand for?
That was a FIRST date?
“Ultimately, all future date nights have been canceled,” Rep. Lauren Boebert jokingly told a photographer for TMZ. “And I learned to check party affiliations before you go on a date.” trib.al/KvmC9An
Imagine cranking your hog in your Las Vegas hotel room and you look up and the video orb just staring at you like this
Hard to compete with this.
@DougJBalloon ICYMI
BREAKING: F-35 stealth fighter jet found in Mar-a-Lago bathroom
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
block me if you want but I’m excited for it to get colder at night so I can truly be on my snug as a bug in a rug game
Bill tried writing his first joke and called it quits
My decision to return to work was made when it seemed nothing was happening and there was no end in sight to this strike. Now that both sides have agreed to go back to the negotiating table I’m going to delay the return of Real Time, for now, and hope they can finally get this
WHEN DID HE START
Mark Wahlberg says he will soon quit acting: “I don’t think that I’ll be acting that much longer at the pace I am now.” (hollywoodreporter.com/movies/movie-n…)
September 19
On my first show as a cast member on SNL - I was lucky to have guest Host Sigourney Weaver and Phil Hartman reacting hilariously to my lunacy. #shechop
algorithm is dialed the fuck in now
accidentally manifested this
THE COMMUNITY NOTE ???
i’m assuming this didn’t go the way that the guy who produced Rush Limbaugh’s show thought it would lol
Every accusation is a confession.
Cheating on a girl who does all 4 holes is just greedy
I figure if I take up vaping and grabbing the hog during a live musical, they'll make me a folk hero.
DRESS TO IMPRESS?: People are furious after the Senate dropped its dress code requirement — and they’re saying there is only one lawmaker to blame. Why the bar is being “lowered”: trib.al/9IAJt5G
thank you joe manchin for wearing a suit while you voted against the child tax credit
Manchin tells me he spoke to Fetterman today about the Senate dress code change “I said ‘John, I think it’s wrong & there's no way I can comply with that’…Wanted to tell him directly that I totally oppose it & I will do everything I can to try to hold the decorum of the Senate”
Piss Jugman is here until 6pm today to teach truckers proper pee disposal. Jugman is "pissed" at all the jugs he's found laying in the parking lot. "Urine trouble" if you don't dispose properly. Kids can get their picture taken with Piss Jugman for only $5 from 4-6pm today
This is the greatest ad for public transit of all time.
not picture me thick as thieves with your ex wife
September 20
Florida lawmakers:
‘SEX EDUCATION’ ends tomorrow.
This is what actual grooming looks like.
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Senators ought to not be actively decomposing
McConnell knocks new dress code: Senators "ought to dress up to go to work" trib.al/vCCtMmA
securing your desired username on a new app is the closest millennials and zoomers will get to owning land
Guess who found a le crueset dutch oven for $5 and then asked for a new handle from customer service and was sent a brand new one
Guess who found a le cruset Dutch oven for $5 today
Buttigieg is like please repeat that dumbass statement four more times just so everyone has a chance to hear what a moron you are
Buttigieg: Climate change is real. GOP Rep. LaMalfa: This one is called autumn. Buttigieg: I'm sorry, I didn't make out what you said...
Hi it’s me, the negotiations grinch, reminding you that “very encouraging” and “incredible progress” are exactly what the studios would say if they want to get people’s hopes up and make the WGA look unreasonable for not taking a bad deal. Thanks/sorry/please wait for real news!
After a long CEO-attended session today that one insider described as “very encouraging,” the WGA and the AMPTP will return to the latter’s Sherman Oaks’ offices on September 21, we’re told deadline.com/2023/09/writer…
September 21
in high school movies when someone has no friends and they eat their lunch in a washroom stall it’s like…sorry nobody likes you but you’re disgusting for that
Any woman contemplating a career in comedy, you have been warned:
CNN's coverage at the time vs reality
Once again thinking about the greatest Twitter exchange in the history of Canadian political journalism.
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Joe Jonas broke up with Taylor Swift in an infamous 27 second phone call. Sophie Turner found out Joe Jonas was divorcing her by reading it about online. Maybe the problem is Joe Jonas.
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