Burlesque

When Burlesque forced itself upon us only a few months ago, it was painfully apparent that only people who see Glee in concert or those who can spot a Dancing With the Stars contestant's name in the opening credits in this film would have the time and money to waste on watching The Goonies actor turned director Steven Antin's glossy, yet horrendously awful, musical. Aiming to be compared to Gypsy, with only the depth and complexity of Carmen: A Hip Hopera, Antin's Burlesque follows Ali (Christina Aguilera), a small town girl from Iowa who moves to Los Angeles to follow her dreams of finding her inner city slut at the Burlesque Lounge owned by Tess, (Cher) a woman who is as numb to show business as she is to Botox. Unlike slightly superior musicals within the same reassuringly generic ilk, Ali rises to fame within days of her arrival without breaking a sweat, which may seem implausible, but Aguilera's character owns an Etta James LP, so of course she deserves this unbridled attention for being such a profoundly complex individual. If watching a film about an outspoken tart with a Cinderella complex in an Alice in Wonderland-inspired world does not instantly excite you, there are plenty of unintentionally funny moments, like Kristen Bell lip-synching to the voice of Will and Grace's Megan Mullally in a leotard, Alan Cumming eating chips and dip off a woman's crotch and Cam Gigandet's "guy liner," which will slightly make up for the 119 minutes you'll lose if you choose to endure this film, which is genuinely worse than Glitter. Whether you are easily influenced by "Golden Globe Winner" titles or are somebody who just gets a kick of watching the foreshadowing of yet another R&B diva's real-life demise, it's best to stay far away from this title, which is already wasting space on all the supporting actors/actresses' IMDB filmographies. The DVD features include six entire song performances, a not so alternate opening, a blooper reel featuring Eric Dane and Cam Gigandet's eye-rolling at Aguilera's many messed up takes, a name-dropping director's commentary and a three-dollar-off coupon for hairspray.