Your human rights, morons and their websites, Adam Sandler and Bob Barker fights, Vince Staples delights, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

August 25

can i come over and be nonverbal for several hours
— clare (@sadderlizards) August 26, 2023

Sometimes this is all dudes say to each other pic.twitter.com/VIoRYlsTGU
— Ben Crew (@BenjaminCrew1) August 25, 2023

oh my 😳 pic.twitter.com/trYi4f3Lsm
— Armand Domalewski 🍌 (@ArmandDoma) August 25, 2023

Incredible https://t.co/RjP8A1csZx pic.twitter.com/xLo7QlJ3RC
— douglas greenwood (@douglasgrnwd) August 25, 2023

ever since i was shown what quebecois marge simpson sounds like i can't stop vividly imagining it's her half the time i listen to any french song with harsh vocals. it torments me https://t.co/QaAZnceS8p
— deathco.re on bsky (@SAMOYEDCORE) August 25, 2023

Looking forward to watching another very expensive and highly professional PR firm get absolutely humiliated by a few bored TV writers tweeting from the Bob's Big Boy bathroom. https://t.co/47QDX0rIVO
— Shawn Wines WGA Captain (@shawnwines) August 25, 2023

I feel like the first thing a crisis PR firm should do is stop people from finding out you hired a crisis PR firm, thus immediately making you look like you're losing and flushing all of that money away, but what do I know, I'm just a guy who doesn't need a crisis PR firm. https://t.co/jAmItA3tNO
— Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) August 26, 2023

Today in staggeringly bad ideas from WB Discovery executives https://t.co/2DREHcEs4Y
— Matt Zoller Seitz (@mattzollerseitz) August 25, 2023

The American mind cannot comprehend a movie theater Coke cup this small https://t.co/LF4Fc3Q61A
— Michael Roston (@michaelroston) August 25, 2023

what's chilling is the tone of reasonableness and wholesome self-help speak, like the desperation to normalise this https://t.co/xpASF2vtei
— Bolu Babalola is technically on leave 🍯&🌶 (@BeeBabs) August 25, 2023

EL OH EL pic.twitter.com/CtIvJBclHQ
— Majority Report (@majorityfm) August 25, 2023

August 26

Google "Jordan Peterson grandma dream" to learn more pic.twitter.com/oPXV7ERb5g
— Trap Queen Enthusiast (@marionumber4) August 26, 2023

this tweet predicted the next 10 years of discourse https://t.co/BVFVMdGDbr
— Crowsa Luxemburg (@quendergeer) August 26, 2023

"is small talk ableist," "is it harm to offer your neighbor food," and similar discourses always just remind me of this: "you are a tar pit." pic.twitter.com/woWzWvwcM3
— transfeminine frankenstein, m.a. (@draculavoice) August 26, 2023

i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
— zach silberberg supports the WGA (@zachsilberberg) August 26, 2023

Ants: https://t.co/Of1abH0otO
— youngest known hag (@glamdemon2004) August 27, 2023

I wrote this song for my garbage man and I hope he sees it pic.twitter.com/kghSL3tpda
— Matt O'Brien (@matt_obrien) August 26, 2023

just an embarrassing email to receive pic.twitter.com/1OoHsFt8zQ
— kelbin (@pissboymcgee) August 26, 2023

Hottie trying to cook a chicken in a microwave pic.twitter.com/lFcfpjMhPp https://t.co/mAOYL95EZ9
— Pop Culture Posts (@notgwendalupe) August 26, 2023

Instant karma pic.twitter.com/zBYSsmJaBB
— place where cat shouldn't be (@catshouldnt) August 26, 2023

it's beyond fucking insane to take the best moment of a woman's life and career, assault her on camera for everybody to see, and then sue her for not being happy about it https://t.co/9LY10Abl9X
— duke of gloom diandra (@diandrasdiandra) August 26, 2023

we gotta start k*IIing some of these men i'm so sorry https://t.co/T6267039HO
— 5hahem aka Dr. Durag (@shaTIRED) August 26, 2023

This is such a wild line of defense pic.twitter.com/8vdJpBbwyy
— jordan (@JordanUhl) August 26, 2023

If I were the Exonerated 5, I'd take out a full page ad in the New York Times with Trump's mug shot.
— Jemele Hill (@jemelehill) August 26, 2023

And presidential candidates weren't indicted rapists...yet here we are https://t.co/PlVwhrsLSJ
— Stormy Daniels (@StormyDaniels) August 26, 2023

Kathy Griffin visiting a prison pic.twitter.com/OrVDlViedi https://t.co/YBJOugKmDR
— yolanda fister (@yolandafister) August 26, 2023

The BBC vs The New York Times. pic.twitter.com/HweR4KrMF7
— Brian Klaas (@brianklaas) August 27, 2023

I'm sorry, this is like something out of ZOOLANDER. pic.twitter.com/MF8KyGkC5p
— Sonny Bunch (@SonnyBunch) August 26, 2023

support physical media pic.twitter.com/bWWk7b2O2O
— Amanda (@DuganAmanda) August 26, 2023

RIP Bob Barker. This one still makes me 😂 every time. pic.twitter.com/QANfCfxWHJ
— Ross Read (@RossRead) August 26, 2023

RIP Bob Barker pic.twitter.com/4W6QVkOvSH
— Ryan Dillon (@TheRyanDillon) August 26, 2023

RIP Bob Barker, can't forget Adam Sandler and him meeting again. pic.twitter.com/GqdLir93lt
— Dom (@Underrated_Dom) August 26, 2023

why are singers cosplaying as working class https://t.co/fL7kuv0NPJ
— janito (@yassnito) August 26, 2023

Every time I see iggy azalea rapping I remember this and laugh. pic.twitter.com/GHgURC62KP https://t.co/GIO0JQR7oH
— notbri.sol (@Xhakaed) August 26, 2023

August 27

Damn bro got jumped by the whole league😭😭 https://t.co/bt0ugjQB6g pic.twitter.com/L34aPnt42X
— ²³𝙻𝚎𝙱𝚛𝚘𝚗𝚌𝚑𝚒𝚝𝚒𝚜🏀☄️🌎💞 (@BronGotGame) August 28, 2023

Jacksonville does not welcome Ron DeSantis pic.twitter.com/nxzkGedZx9
— Benjamin Dixon (@BenjaminPDixon) August 27, 2023

Getting booed by Valorant players is like getting wedgies by the anime club in middle school https://t.co/9xthxhznxE
— B0l (@Bolverk15) August 27, 2023

"I'm not allowed to go to Scotland because of the commies, RINOs, lions & tigers and Marxists. Sad because they love me in Scotland." pic.twitter.com/NC7G3KPTM0
— Hoodlum 🇺🇸 (@NotHoodlum) August 27, 2023

this is such a universal gay experience and for them to do it on a talk show was just too real pic.twitter.com/PotoRRHOMh
— ceo of kory (@korysverse) August 27, 2023

probably not kid cudi pic.twitter.com/MgT3n7UsUn https://t.co/IStBNISpJK
— jimmy (@jimmyoutsold) August 28, 2023

All facts 😭 https://t.co/IDzJi33EUD pic.twitter.com/D9QbN0O3Bu
— 🐐 (@Double_MB_) August 27, 2023

That's the one pic.twitter.com/XRix5pgusk
— Josh Gad (@joshgad) August 28, 2023

In one of my mom groups, a woman posted that her toddler refused to sleep in his own bed because of "a scary man living in my closet" and most of the responses told her to be very afraid because the scary man was probably a real ghost that only her kid was able to see. https://t.co/KozbmshIfC
— Cartoons Hate Her! (@CartoonsHateHer) August 28, 2023

these women are in my backyard and keep doing this and won't leave pic.twitter.com/90qpf6ALFU
— keyvan (@still_oppressed) August 27, 2023

🎶❤️ https://t.co/oO40zlryQ7 pic.twitter.com/10erRYmkLs
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) August 28, 2023

this was an assassination attempt https://t.co/chQ9bfRzXH
— this barbie is not j*ss (@itsnotjess123) August 27, 2023

It's entirely possible that this 3 hour R rated biopic that is almost entirely people talking in various rooms makes a billion dollars when it's all said and done https://t.co/P53tDEh1Nu
— joe bro (@jbromovies) August 27, 2023

Kenneth Branagh making a Poirot movie every year that no one particularly likes, but no one hates either, just quietly blends in the release schedule, really is the closest thing we have to a filmmaker with the George Costanza Mindset
— John Frankensteiner (@JFrankensteiner) August 28, 2023

August 28

they are never dressed for the same event https://t.co/m1AGGsO5qN
— trish (@ULTRAGLOSS) August 28, 2023

Not the point of the video but this router setup is deranged https://t.co/YCMXhXzGi9 pic.twitter.com/BoKGPBndsG
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) August 29, 2023

pic.twitter.com/y2EDKatfxe
— Satan (@s8n) August 28, 2023

You don't understand how fucking obsessed with this frog I am pic.twitter.com/GmhWsXxkSY
— max (derogatory) (@maxafrass) August 28, 2023

the common denominator is bombing at an open mic 10-15 years ago https://t.co/s0LHgJmSOt
— yedoye (@yedoye_) August 28, 2023

its giving antidepressant box logo https://t.co/tpGjydrGMH
— janito (@yassnito) August 29, 2023

Netflix limits theaters & weeks so a film can play enough in theaters to qualify for oscars, but slightly less than what contractually would make it a "theatrical release" by union rules

This allows them to avoid paying actors writers & directors higher theatrical residual rates https://t.co/EwNntAjm59
— Van (@VanTheBrand) August 29, 2023

if you are in line to see oppenheimer STAY IN LINE!!!!! https://t.co/cTGSgiEcLV
— John DiLillo (@JohnDiLillo) August 29, 2023

Oh my goodness! Another amazing Conservative coincidence! https://t.co/jXed6y1YA0
— MPP Jamie West (@jamiewestndp) August 28, 2023

the harvard-trained economist: https://t.co/iHQJicmjyO pic.twitter.com/lGGnhPZKYU
— Hurt CoPain (@SaeedDiCaprio) August 28, 2023

They done turned Skip into moderator on his own show 😭😭😭💀💀😭😭😭 https://t.co/v4kftuRtRP
— Dre (@JiggyFlavko) August 28, 2023

Paul George doing Charles Barkley is too good 💀 definitely on Kenan Thompson levels 😭 (h/t @PodcastPShow) pic.twitter.com/wKIdOIQVjC
— Law Murray 🤫 (@LawMurrayTheNU) August 28, 2023

This photo is incredible. pic.twitter.com/3odjVRZvT4
— Andrew Wortman 🟧 (@AmoneyResists) August 28, 2023

my favorite content from last year: this guy who flew his let's go brandon flag at half mast after the midterms pic.twitter.com/2efv4RjINt
— ettingermentum (@ettingermentum) August 29, 2023

TRUMP did that, you fucking imbecile. https://t.co/zcIoPNOCll
— Spiro's Ghost (@AntiToxicPeople) August 28, 2023

Australia is a country I am comfortable never ever visiting https://t.co/ReP9gVk9NB
— Jason Okundaye (@jasebyjason) August 28, 2023

Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
— tara (@proletarat) August 28, 2023

August 29

The GOP Debate took place during record-setting heat in Milwaukee and this guy was certain climate change is a hoax. pic.twitter.com/LR4qhNuWlw
— The Good Liars (@TheGoodLiars) August 29, 2023

James Saunders, a proud MAGA tax lawyer from OH, was sentenced to three years in prison for voting multiple times in the last two elections.

Voter fraud is real. pic.twitter.com/OY4V0y1b0b
— Republicans against Trump (@RpsAgainstTrump) August 29, 2023

Amazing community note https://t.co/Gf1f8fIrt6
— Alex Goldman "the golden official" (@AGoldmund) August 29, 2023

Perfect video illustrating how Vivek made his fortune on grifting investors.

cc: DrivenProgressive on Tik Tok pic.twitter.com/NWzzTM5f8D
— Walter Masterson (@waltermasterson) August 29, 2023

But seriously how do we know if the Denver Nuggets are the best team in the world if they haven't played the Lithuania Samsung Purple Turbo Dragons and their best player, Dude I Never Heard Of Before Until I Wanted To Make This Argument? Riddle me that why don't ya
— 🦦✨America Is Musty✨🦦 (@DragonflyJonez) August 29, 2023

Ohhh. So if you pay people enough to survive, they will work. Interesting. https://t.co/ZWyAqM4EZc
— Mr Dave Anthony (Lord) (@daveanthony) August 29, 2023

For sale: Baby shoes, never worn = Saddest 6 word story

For sale, baby: Shoes never worn = A lesson in comma placement and how I sell feet pics
— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) August 30, 2023

Oh HELL yes pic.twitter.com/YpHyLmiEt5
— Lauren McKenzie (@TheMcKenziest) August 29, 2023

I am genuinely surprised this made it onto Disney+ https://t.co/mLus7Bpprc pic.twitter.com/bvyQUxZbY7
— Rob (@robrousseau) August 29, 2023

But I mean nothing screams 80s more than grown adults playing teens https://t.co/MJQNzMNR9Z
— K | 🧥 (@taissasvan) August 29, 2023

August 30

First look at Matt Smith (Morbius) https://t.co/YMW5RD2kOl
— Mr. Chau (@Srirachachau) August 30, 2023

How it feels asking your friends if they want to see weird arthouse stuff https://t.co/i47WrRcNNp
— Jo🌺🎬 (@Goldxn_Violin) August 31, 2023

scab https://t.co/qDqUuZ696W
— Josh Billinson (@jbillinson) August 30, 2023

I refuse to believe this ain't an ITYSL sketch https://t.co/r3nHVy47Ky
— Alice Hamilton (@AliceRHamilton) August 30, 2023

Every guy's goal! pic.twitter.com/BIeHaV4t0d
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) August 30, 2023

I don't understand super wealthy people who keep working. Imagine having a billion dollars and setting an alarm for 630am.
— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) August 30, 2023

it's so funny how the guy whose stepdad exploded in a submarine is still on here tweeting like "do any babes out there like air hockey 🥺👉👈"
— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) August 30, 2023

You used to be able to afford a home like this on a crane operators's salary pic.twitter.com/DRQVlFRjoB
— andrew (@mrnastynodrama) August 30, 2023

Marry someone you can laugh with, you'll be together forever. pic.twitter.com/Zgb8TKNPo5
— jamie (@gnuman1979) August 31, 2023

Every day Elon Musk is like "starting September 1st, all phone numbers of users not subscribed to Twitter blue will be leaked to their childhood bullies"
— Siobhan Thompson, striking multihyphonate (@vornietom) August 31, 2023

Still blown away that this moron got rid of the term tweets
— merritt k (@merrittk) August 30, 2023

I can't believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
— Harrison Weinreb (@harriweinreb) August 30, 2023

Nothing? pic.twitter.com/4g5cX7d3ui
— Guy Montgomery (@guy_mont) August 31, 2023

That would be an insane thing to see coming https://t.co/lXfm1V6q4b
— Ginny Hogan (@ginnyhogan_) August 30, 2023

Everyone assumes Trump's villain origin story starts with Obama roasting him in front of everyone, but I think to get to his bottomless pool of resentment you need to go back to Spy Magazine and "short fingered vulgarian."
— Schooley (@Rschooley) August 31, 2023

the person who's about to legislate your human rights away pic.twitter.com/GHU1Vvj54R
— matt (@mattxiv) August 30, 2023

The new partisan sport is people posting the other party's decrepit politicians at each other. Oh you think it's bad my guy fell down? Well here's a video of your guy having a stroke
— First generation home renter (@InternetHippo) August 30, 2023

"Bro, you're already facing charges. Go ahead and commit another crime" is sheer perfection. https://t.co/RZVRmyDJ5Q
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) August 30, 2023

Man whose party is currently banning books/subject matter; rewriting history; trying to outlaw same-sex marriage; ban contraception; and force pregnancy, labor, and parenthood on child rape victims wants to know why these damn liberals want to control every aspect of your life. pic.twitter.com/ZzC1eqP8ta
— Andrew Wortman 🟧 (@AmoneyResists) August 31, 2023

August 31

The choreographed beer swig is so funny. Thanks for the unintentional comedy @tedcruz pic.twitter.com/bRHEpmqS6a
— The Good Liars (@TheGoodLiars) August 31, 2023

genuinely it's so funny that a babylon bee writer is the one to start warning republicans that maybe peoples obsession with trans people is offputting to the average voter pic.twitter.com/QgbS5FSns8
— pudding person (@JUNlPER) August 31, 2023

Translation: I'm finding out this ecosystem I helped create isn't all that much fun. pic.twitter.com/15VDoFuYvA
— Ron Filipkowski (@RonFilipkowski) August 31, 2023

When I look at the video of a clearly struggling Mitch McConnell, I think about how scary and difficult that must be, and how hard McConnell has worked throughout his life to ensure that the end of people's lives are as difficult and scary a struggle as they can possibly be made.
— A.R. Moxon (@JuliusGoat) August 31, 2023

saying "iced brown sugar oatmilk shaken espresso" out loud gives me the anxiety many politicians face when having to say "LGBTQ+" in speeches
— JP (@jpbrammer) August 31, 2023

we can't set these against each other. if the swifties decide that marty's new movie is a threat to them, they will find and destroy every existing DCP. we need to tread very carefully here https://t.co/3QJBSqhk9w
— John DiLillo (@JohnDiLillo) August 31, 2023

This is the buddy road trip movie we've all been waiting for https://t.co/WDZSHY7TDX
— Allison Dore (@allisondore) August 31, 2023

hospitals love to be like "relax and take it easy" and then have a thing that beeps at you every time you move
— amber rollo (@ambercrollo) August 31, 2023

This fish has better health insurance than half of America https://t.co/ns8yrzQZjm
— Fuck You I Quit (@fuckyouiquit) August 31, 2023

pic.twitter.com/aPvp5QwcEc https://t.co/Pd3HcOzSp1
— Jasmine (@JasmineLWatkins) August 31, 2023

If you call me on Twitter I will get a restraining order against you https://t.co/XXSYsyCIsg
— Fuck You I Quit (@fuckyouiquit) August 31, 2023

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: September 1, 2023

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