I'm not exactly sure when my role as Exclaim!'s Social Media Goblin evolved into becoming our resident Meghan Trainor hater, but here we are. This time, she's been tapped by pop music's most recent recipient of a sexual assault accusation, as Jason Derulo has corralled her into another pseudo-retro-pop atrocity.
It's hard to believe that Trainor is the feature here and not the other way around for two vital reasons: an abysmal interpolation of Ben E. King's 1961 classic "Stand by Me" is right up her alley, and Derulo doesn't ad-lib his own name even once! Do I sense some character development here?
Best described as horny housewife music, the track has the typical crispy Top 40 vocal production, which wouldn't be notably offensive if it weren't making me wonder if this is some AI conspiracy. Are our overlords checking to see if we can tell the difference between humans and robots yet? If so, this song might be proof.
Not to mention how corny its Rated PG radio-friendly randiness is. "She was, she was, she was, she was the girl next door, that's my fine ass neighbour," Derulo sings, diminishing his own audience's intelligence by acting like we don't know what calling a woman "the girl next door" implies. I'll be asking someone else to water my plants while I'm away, thanks.
If you told me this was some other song by Trainor that was released a few years ago, I would have believed you without a doubt. At least I can sleep well knowing suburban, conglomerate-ran radio stations will be making bank off of this one. If you love suffering, listen to "Hands on Me" below.
It's hard to believe that Trainor is the feature here and not the other way around for two vital reasons: an abysmal interpolation of Ben E. King's 1961 classic "Stand by Me" is right up her alley, and Derulo doesn't ad-lib his own name even once! Do I sense some character development here?
Best described as horny housewife music, the track has the typical crispy Top 40 vocal production, which wouldn't be notably offensive if it weren't making me wonder if this is some AI conspiracy. Are our overlords checking to see if we can tell the difference between humans and robots yet? If so, this song might be proof.
Not to mention how corny its Rated PG radio-friendly randiness is. "She was, she was, she was, she was the girl next door, that's my fine ass neighbour," Derulo sings, diminishing his own audience's intelligence by acting like we don't know what calling a woman "the girl next door" implies. I'll be asking someone else to water my plants while I'm away, thanks.
If you told me this was some other song by Trainor that was released a few years ago, I would have believed you without a doubt. At least I can sleep well knowing suburban, conglomerate-ran radio stations will be making bank off of this one. If you love suffering, listen to "Hands on Me" below.
