The Marine

So the question that usually comes with any film starring a WWE Wrestler is: "is it a Mr. Nanny or a They Live?” With The Marine, WWE champion John Cena’s first big screen role, the question is: "did screenwriter Michelle Gallagher secretly construct the film as a tribute to the mid-’80s Arnold Schwarzenegger vehicle (and funniest movie of all time) Commando?” For one, The Marine sounds a bit like Commando. The main character is called John Triton, which sounds a bit like Arnie’s character, John Matrix. His wife is kidnapped by diamond thieves (Arnie’s daughter was kidnapped), forcing John to use his elite Marine skills against his wishes to get her back (so far, so Commando). Heck, even one of the baddies is called Bennett, the name of the (utterly brilliant) main villain in Commando! Sadly, however, tribute or not, The Marine’s DVD release isn’t going to give you the same amount of pleasure as the cheap, no-frills release of Commando. While there are a ludicrous number of exciting explosions, some astoundingly cheesy dialogue and many, many scenes in which people fire a ton of bullets at our hero John Triton without even scratching him, the movie never reaches the great heights of unintentional hilarity it so obviously could have, despite an aged Robert Patrick playing his best pantomiming villain. Though labelled "Unrated!” there’s very little on the DVD that goes any further than cartoon violence, and the advertised 40 minutes of special features are the most obvious sort of boring guff ("making of” featurettes, etc.) that absolutely no one in their right mind would watch. A director’s commentary is sorely missed, because there’s no other reason anyone would watch this twice. (Fox)