Trump's windmill fear is fucked up, Batman's trying to catch up, Emily Subtle asks you up and Canadian geography was not looked up. All this and much more from this funny week in funny tweets. 
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July 27

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It was mad hot. So we bought 2 water guns, filled them up, and walked up to people and tossed them one.... just to see if they were down for a quick water gun fight..... let's see happened 😂😂😂🤷🏻‍♂️ <a href="https://t.co/Kcnu1gmFGK">pic.twitter.com/Kcnu1gmFGK</a>
— Josh Roth 🔫🔫🔫 (@_jRoth) <a href="https://twitter.com/_jRoth/status/1155135083008942080?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 27, 2019</a></blockquote>
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July 28

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Emily Blunt: fuck me 
 
Emily Subtle: come up for coffee
— inkedupandsonic (@sonictyrant) <a href="https://twitter.com/sonictyrant/status/1155464787708588032?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 28, 2019</a></blockquote>
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The Guardian released a map of the area in Canada showing their readers where York Landing is (the small town RCMP are now searching for the teenage murder suspects.) It features the very famous Canadian landmarks of Qumbec and Montraal. <a href="https://t.co/qoWIEPYe1a">https://t.co/qoWIEPYe1a</a> <a href="https://t.co/cFBDhq7I8Q">pic.twitter.com/cFBDhq7I8Q</a>
— Mack Lamoureux (@MackLamoureux) <a href="https://twitter.com/MackLamoureux/status/1155654108390535169?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 29, 2019</a></blockquote>
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good work, detective <a href="https://t.co/6ojVS2kKk9">pic.twitter.com/6ojVS2kKk9</a>
— Matt Binder (@MattBinder) <a href="https://twitter.com/MattBinder/status/1155354486476627968?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 28, 2019</a></blockquote>
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I just want to vote for someone time travelers don't have to kill.
— Jennifer Wright (@JenAshleyWright) <a href="https://twitter.com/JenAshleyWright/status/1155597326930649088?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 28, 2019</a></blockquote>
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July 29

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Whose grandma is this? 😂😂😂 <a href="https://t.co/ouWbU48kFA">pic.twitter.com/ouWbU48kFA</a>
— David A. Damilola (@iamdamilosky_) <a href="https://twitter.com/iamdamilosky_/status/1155951150778032130?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 29, 2019</a></blockquote>
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WRITER: The Wizard Of Oz 
EDITOR: Oz's Wizard
— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) <a href="https://twitter.com/ben_rosen/status/1156016047343853570?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 30, 2019</a></blockquote>
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July 30

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"I'm not like other girls", she said, golden skin shimmering in the summer sun, and she wasn't, she was a rotisserie chicken that I bought, took outside, and performed a small skit with in the parking lot before eating in my car while sobbing loudly
— Fossilized Tree Resin (@Jamberee13) <a href="https://twitter.com/Jamberee13/status/1156299524048084996?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 30, 2019</a></blockquote>
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Marianne Williamson is making history by being the first presidential candidate to be a Kristen Wiig character from 2010.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) <a href="https://twitter.com/joshgondelman/status/1156358112703651840?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 31, 2019</a></blockquote>
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July 31

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Bernie Sanders' loud yelling scared my beautiful 14 year old son Ryylann so bad that he sneezed while playing Fortnite and managed to throw his vaporizer pen into the television which started a small electrical fire and set off the smoke alarms which scared my 5 golden retrievers
— Nic 🌹✨ (@N_JRay) <a href="https://twitter.com/N_JRay/status/1156693660215468033?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 31, 2019</a></blockquote>
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y'know back in my day, we just called that "cereal" <a href="https://t.co/bxMsZALv7U">pic.twitter.com/bxMsZALv7U</a>
— Cerealously 🥛 (@cerealouslynet) <a href="https://twitter.com/cerealouslynet/status/1156609397520510983?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 31, 2019</a></blockquote>
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August 1

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I gotta be honest with you guys it's really funny how much Trump has a vendetta against windmills the single most famous thing a crazy guy can want to fight in crazy guy lore besides a whale.
— luke oneil (@lukeoneil47) <a href="https://twitter.com/lukeoneil47/status/1157084335071211520?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 2, 2019</a></blockquote>
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listen i know i have a lame pretentious ass sounding white boy name idk what to tell you. my hispanic mother married a white man and got a taste of that sweet, sweet privilege and wanted me to have it too
— Brayden Bauer // (@im_your_density) <a href="https://twitter.com/im_your_density/status/1157123674249539589?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 2, 2019</a></blockquote>
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[after sex] 
 
me: do...do you usually cry during 
 
Batman: *sobbing* NO 
 
Alfred: *holding Batman in his arms* calling him daddy is a trigger 
 
Me: have you been in here the whole time??
— Laurazepam (@andlikelaura) <a href="https://twitter.com/andlikelaura/status/1157136423268409346?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 2, 2019</a></blockquote>
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Superman: *flies off* 
 
Wonder Woman: *flies off* 
 
Flash: *already there* 
 
Batman in his bat mobile: 
 
<a href="https://t.co/ZdzebaHVUC">pic.twitter.com/ZdzebaHVUC</a>
— Farai©️ (@AyyItsFarai) <a href="https://twitter.com/AyyItsFarai/status/1156977747589324802?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 1, 2019</a></blockquote>
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August 2

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How do I explain to my kids that instead of presents Santa is bringing Mommy and only Mommy to the Raptors game on Christmas?
— Kelsea Larry O'Brien (@kelsea_lately) <a href="https://twitter.com/kelsea_lately/status/1157378365571178496?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 2, 2019</a></blockquote>
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This is what everyone looks like at the end of a video when they're stopping the video: <a href="https://t.co/olsgC6hQLI">pic.twitter.com/olsgC6hQLI</a>
— Niccole Thurman (@niccolethurman) <a href="https://twitter.com/niccolethurman/status/1157427983042269184?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 2, 2019</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
Tomorrow fixin to feature a brawl in the thunder dome over that Gatorade <a href="https://t.co/hCq68w7GZF">pic.twitter.com/hCq68w7GZF</a>
— Princess Lay Ya 🇺🇸🗽 (@cakickboxher) <a href="https://twitter.com/cakickboxher/status/1157445898546249728?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 3, 2019</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
(I am 6 months pregnant) 
 
Me after ordering my coffee: 
 
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you're pregnant. 
 
Me: I'm... not pregnant. 
 
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry! 
 
And that's what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
— Jax ⚡️ (@Diamond_Jax) <a href="https://twitter.com/Diamond_Jax/status/1157293250924949505?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 2, 2019</a></blockquote>
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James Keast

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: August 2, 2019

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