The Feminist Agenda Will Kill Us All, Adam Sandler's basketball, the New York Giants aren't that tall, get Mitch to a hospital, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

July 21

Congratulations on working 40 hours! You are now free to dissociate for 2 days
— 𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲 (@im_all_id) July 21, 2023

getting mixed messages here pic.twitter.com/sI0r4Dy7kb
— Sarah Dobbs (@SarahDobbs) July 21, 2023

Max (formerly HBO Max) is evidently booting The Venture Bros from the streaming platform in August, and this is how the co-creator of the show is learning about it pic.twitter.com/kKAdsjstBh
— Corey "Commissions Closed" Brickley Illustration (@CoreyBrickley) July 21, 2023

Running the baby monitor audio through my guitar pedals
— Harrison Weinreb (@harriweinreb) July 21, 2023

A shock-jock YouTuber who filmed himself sleeping through a WBNA game as an apparent dig on women basketball players and their fans has been told he's banned from all future NBA events. @kylietcheung: https://t.co/qnpqghdsAh
— Laura Bassett (@LEBassett) July 21, 2023

pic.twitter.com/Asi5UgP4Pn
— Thirsty Thirsty Thembo (@OnlyAWorldAway) July 22, 2023

Wait.

There is a Mrs. Roper Bar crawl in San Diego and I am just finding out about this now? pic.twitter.com/kvhv5gYSbu
— Danny Deraney (@DannyDeraney) July 21, 2023

can't beat that price pic.twitter.com/OXRrzZC1LV
— 𝒷 𝓁 𝒶 𝓂 ℯ 𝒶 𝓈 𝓅 𝒶 𝓇 𝓉 𝒶 𝓂 ℯ (@blameaspartame) July 21, 2023

my reviews of Barbie and Oppenheimer –

Barbie: I haven't seen it yet

Oppenheimer: I haven't seen this one yet either
— guy online (@fellawhomstdve) July 21, 2023

It's not often that you see audiences tastes changing in real time, but here it is. They're not done with seeing movies in theaters (as many of us had feared,) but they want something different than what we've been giving them for the last decade or so. https://t.co/gi7X85cyh9
— Zack Stentz (@MuseZack) July 22, 2023

What has it got barbie spoilers or something https://t.co/lT84N1uyB5
— Jenny Nicholson (@JennyENicholson) July 22, 2023

friend of my cousin posted on insta that a cinema played oppenheimer with barbie subtitles 💀 pic.twitter.com/aznyGeUsz2
— sapun (@sapunintended) July 21, 2023

My sister just saw Oppenheimer and something went wrong and half the screen was pink for the last 20 minutes of the movie so she got the true Barbenheimmer experience pic.twitter.com/tpX7hZe2ND
— Britt Rivera (@kindamoviesnob) July 22, 2023

The box office this weekend pic.twitter.com/oHnl72guXR
— Brian Lynch (@BrianLynch) July 22, 2023

Person sitting in front of me during Oppenheimer pulled up his Wikipedia page 15 minutes into the movie pic.twitter.com/3qQZC8IjHR
— Ben Crew (@BenjaminCrew1) July 21, 2023

This is how you know he actually hoops and it's not just PR https://t.co/IVOLyf1394
— Josh Eberley 🇨🇦 (@JoshEberley) July 21, 2023

That Big Thief always hugging and acting like family and some members are shirtless I already have one RHCP in my life can't do another sorry
— Cory Hanson (@corythanson) July 21, 2023

 
July 22

The Group of Seven was Canada's answer to Odd Future
— ben stager (@bennnnst) July 22, 2023

No joke could ever be as funny as having a tough guy persona and then getting heat stroke in New England. https://t.co/YyWfkyTexx
— 🚄mugrimm💨 (@ExileGrimm) July 22, 2023

Last guy killed me pic.twitter.com/jBeP0Z769g
— matt (@TheCursedGoon) July 22, 2023

We literally all died, Rob.

We died. 100% of the time. https://t.co/ZLgkE5NNWy
— Laura Marston (@Kidfears99) July 22, 2023

How's the writing going, Clare, my relatives will ask me at my family reunion next week

Well, I'm currently writing a comedy piece about what would happen if William Shakespeare's female protagonists were on their periods, I will say

Oh, they will reply. Oh.
— Clare Blackwood (@clareblackwood) July 23, 2023

they told us barbies were for girls and then when we get the barbie movie conservative men and incels want it to be about how cool and strong and necessary they are? ITS NOT FOR YOU. it's not for you. it's quiet time for you. go watch a star war.
— Tiff (@its_me_your_mom) July 22, 2023

my only critique of Barbie is that none of the Barbies scissored which is such a huge part of a Barbie's life as to be unimaginable to miss in a film like this
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) July 22, 2023

My group left Barbie in our all pink and ran into a group of guys in suits and hats coming out of Oppenheimer and it was a real Jets v Sharks moment.
— mkb (@MatthewKBegbie) July 22, 2023

These Barbie reviews by conservative men are fueling me. Just incredible. Yes, it must be so infuriating when your entire gender is painted to be ignorant, vapid, and superfluous. I can't imagine. pic.twitter.com/9xInxcIua8
— sheologian (@sheologian) July 22, 2023

Barbie is white women's Black Panther. pic.twitter.com/u3OyblZD0E
— Travon (@Travon) July 23, 2023

Look I don't think Barbie was or needed to be subversive but I will say the first thing my daughter said after we got out of the theater was "what's patriarchy" so it's doing enough work, guys
— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) July 23, 2023

My 14-year-old son watched Christopher Nolan's Oppenheimer last night in awe. He says now he wants to go to college and study physics to become a scientist! He says one day he is going to make an even bigger bomb that kills even more people. So exciting to see the youth inspired!
— Jeremy Kaplowitz (@jeremysmiles) July 22, 2023

We were watching "Oppenheimer" in the theater when my four-year-old turned to me gravely and whispered "Daddy how come the US doesn't drop nuclear bombs on other countries anymore?" And when I told him "Because we've become too woke to be true warriors", he started crying.
— New York Times Pitchbot (@DougJBalloon) July 23, 2023

The CEO of OpenAI hoping a movie about the man who made the literal worst thing on earth would inspire kids to be scientists tells you everything you need to know about OpenAI pic.twitter.com/GFhf7xwgH9
— Robby Slowik (@RobbySlowik) July 22, 2023

I hope he enjoys the $0.25 https://t.co/d51r7XIBv1
— thot choc (@shreyabasu003) July 23, 2023

Oppenheimer must hit different when you actually have the power/responsibility to order a nuclear strike. https://t.co/RoqM2ejUm6
— Joxley (@Mr_John_Oxley) July 22, 2023

Bro was messing with the wrong Rockets https://t.co/qlT5abzk8Y
— Oluwajomiloju (@JomiAdeniran) July 22, 2023

A proposal to ban private jets would launch some incredible discourse https://t.co/jQpala8yPC
— Arriving 30 minutes early (@InternetHippo) July 23, 2023

July 23

Real talk. How many Mission Impossibles will there be before we admit that these missions are possible and whatnot?
— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) July 24, 2023

i wanted to QT the lady that said women dont speak until 20 minutes into Oppenheimer so i could point out that, as a woman, i was speaking 5 minutes in because i wanted to know if that was kenneth branagh
— dylan gelula (@DylanGelula) July 23, 2023

rogan: that quote you have from the bhagavad gita

oppenheimer: from the gita, yeah. i am become death.

rogan: that's a crazy book

oppenheimer: it's insane

rogan: i told tom to read that book. tom segura

oppenheimer: he'd love it

rogan: he'd *love* it. that's what i told him
— rob (@OkButStill) July 23, 2023

people being excited about stuff and having fun with it >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> https://t.co/qU4BL1Pf9Y
— Shea Serrano (@SheaSerrano) July 23, 2023

I took 1 star reviews of #Barbie from furious men on letterboxd and put them on the posters because it makes the film seem ever cooler. pic.twitter.com/V4YzmnB8bj
— TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) July 23, 2023

a girl at the cinema didn't wear pink for barbie and I saw them take her out back and heard gunshots
— Luc (@ellkay_) July 23, 2023

Teen Vogue when I was a teen:

- Bulimia: is it really that bad? (+TIPS!)
- BACK TO SCHOOL FATTY
- 30 pages of acne ads

Teen Vogue today:

- Transcontinental Pipelines and their Vulnerabilities
- Why You Should Never Date a Cop
- 30 pages of acne product ads, that hasn't changed
— holly (@girlziplocked) July 23, 2023

What the Twitter CEO described below is called the internet. https://t.co/2iuUI9lF5y
— Ted Lieu (@tedlieu) July 24, 2023

How Twitter became the X app (illustrated) pic.twitter.com/5pa3guBqVI
— Trap Queen Enthusiast (@marionumber4) July 23, 2023

gonna be honest this new widget design looks like an app for a membership only human trafficking gentlemen's club headquartered in Budapest pic.twitter.com/HNND7QGYTn
— Qanon Latifah (@ch1w33th3d0g) July 23, 2023

Elon is about to learn how annoying it actually is when people insist on continuing to use your deadname. https://t.co/U6LNXWFByq
— Riley Silverman 🧡🤍💜 (@rileyjsilverman) July 23, 2023

The dumbest thing about this is how every other social platform WISHES they created a unique and renowned verb like "Tweet" or "Retweet" - that kind of brand recognition is near impossible to replicate intentionally pic.twitter.com/zSeAFEHlgV
— Del Walker (@TheCartelDel) July 23, 2023

Weird new logo, but ok pic.twitter.com/P5gsgidITn
— Parker Molloy (@ParkerMolloy) July 23, 2023

"HBO renaming itself Max is the stupidest rebrand I've ever se—"
— Sean Herrala (@seanherrala) July 23, 2023

July 24

Facebook/Meta owns the trademark for "X" for use in social networking.

Microsoft owns the trademark for "X" for use in finance/e-commerce. 🍿 https://t.co/Vzsbp0Oua9 pic.twitter.com/vtVk4AuzsD
— LeGate (@williamlegate) July 24, 2023

The only business instinct Elon Musk's ever had in 30 years is "what if we called it... (sly grin, crossing arms)... X." He's done it at his payments company and car company and rocket ship company and social media app and with his own human child. No one has ever liked it. https://t.co/VWHE8m4ncg
— ℳatt (@matttomic) July 24, 2023

that man could never do anything correctly and it's so funny https://t.co/3M91Z1c4M8
— Hurt CoPain (@SaeedDiCaprio) July 24, 2023

EXTREME WHITE SOUTH AFRICAN VOICE: It's called eeks.
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) July 24, 2023

X is a terrible name. I would have gone with something like David. And all tweets would be called Daves.
— Patrick Doran Ⓜ️ (@lunch_enjoyer) July 24, 2023

brb gotta go give all of my banking information to the exploding car guy so I can buy things on the website he turned into 4chan for aging incels
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) July 24, 2023

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
— Amy Gaeta (@GaetaAmy) July 24, 2023

you're living in it, baby https://t.co/ARQ4eV4RS0
— 🌴🌤️🌺 Miley 🐠🦉🦂 (@youwouldntpost) July 25, 2023

I love this so much. Who did this?? pic.twitter.com/nUNP2w05hH
— George Hahn (@georgehahn) July 24, 2023

I know literally one thing about children and it is that they will lose a $100 lunchbox on day one https://t.co/qzS3MrP5LJ
— Jill Twiss (@jilltwiss) July 25, 2023

The hardest part of dating is having to tell your story all over again to a new person like you got accidentally hung up on by Tech Support
— Daley Haggar (@d_haggar) July 25, 2023

vaccine? https://t.co/8Q31iPLR8L
— Garbage Ape (@GarbageApe) July 24, 2023

So they can pay artists more right?

......right? pic.twitter.com/mbQZm0d7Lo
— jordan (@JordanUhl) July 24, 2023

me watching Titanic: what are those musicians DOING

me on Twitter still: oh I get it
— Ash Dylan (@AshDylanLit) July 24, 2023

 
July 25

LMFAOOOOO 😂😭😭 pic.twitter.com/pC6CqBMzde
— UG (@SCDG2330) July 25, 2023

USA: our airport codes are shorted versions of the city's name, or an abbreviation of the airport

Europe: our airport codes are shorted versions of the city's name, or an abbreviation of the airport

Canada: EVERY AIRPORT CODE IS THE LETTER Y PLUS FRIENDS
— Janel Comeau (@VeryBadLlama) July 25, 2023

Let me get this straight:
A guy who mocks neo-pronouns wants me to say 'xeet' instead of tweet?
— Caitlin Spice (@catespice) July 25, 2023

Even Sesame Street is dunking on him. It's so over pic.twitter.com/YFVWLPjahr
— Trap Queen Enthusiast (@marionumber4) July 25, 2023

"Make my words" pic.twitter.com/me3fnIZ9fP
— Best of Dying Twiter (@bestofdyingtwit) July 25, 2023

this is the most accurate review I've ever seen pic.twitter.com/9VGncFNNHC
— Hurt CoPain (@SaeedDiCaprio) July 25, 2023

put this man in a car with a cigarette lighter and he'll be dead inside an hour https://t.co/2N0i58dt9O
— Robert Evans (The Only Robert Evans) (@IwriteOK) July 25, 2023

During the 2017 Las Vegas mass shooting (where 60 American citizens died at a country music festival) the singer on stage at the time was Jason Aldean. Without warning the crowd, he heroically dropped his mic and ran like a MF Josh Hawley on January 6th. Try that in a small town.
— Liam Nissan™ (@theliamnissan) July 25, 2023

Babe wake up, a new way of walking just dropped pic.twitter.com/pTA97Z90Qs
— c a i t l i n (@hello__caitlin) July 25, 2023

Defend my PhD thesis? After all it did to me??
— Jon Piccini (@JonPiccini) July 25, 2023

everyone talks about the Chicago Bean but for some reason nobody talks about the truly unfathomably bizarre thing right next to it. may i present to you all: the fountain with a face that spits on you and then smiles and vanishes into the ether pic.twitter.com/v87nfdPE1N
— bicycle menace (@north0fnorth) July 25, 2023

👏THE👏NEW👏YORK👏GIANTS👏ARE👏THE👏SAME👏SIZE👏AS👏OTHER👏TEAMS👏AND👏NOT👏GIANTS👏AT👏ALL👏THE👏NEW👏YORK👏GIANTS👏ARE👏A👏LIE👏STOP👏THE👏LIES!👏
— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) July 25, 2023

When stunt people picket against the AMPTP, they out-picket all of us. (performed by Mike Massa) pic.twitter.com/DLlLXfYbau
— Todd Spence (@Todd_Spence) July 25, 2023

you look up any healthcare tip and it be like "reduce stress" EHNNNN 🚨🚨🚨 not possible what else
— jaboukie (@jaboukie) July 25, 2023

I don't know who made this but it's perfect pic.twitter.com/rh7cbTmrB0
— Alisha Grauso (@AlishaGrauso) July 25, 2023

america genuinely has a mental health crisis https://t.co/4MuVO6XQJi
— admiral ron (@ronravegan) July 25, 2023

the orcas been down there passing out union pamphlets https://t.co/fssubUNuEo
— thiquestlove (@catharticus) July 25, 2023

do you guys ever think about how capitalism is forcing us to work up until the eminent extinction of our species as the earth heats to an unlivable temperature? pic.twitter.com/tnW7wWof5t
— Aisha (@aishamadeit) July 25, 2023

July 26

it's like playing "the floor is lava" except the floor is lava pic.twitter.com/corDHQSi68
— Josh Trebach, MD (@jtrebach) July 26, 2023

This statement by Sinéad O'Connor about the consequences of tearing the picture of the Pope: pic.twitter.com/NEHq3Lr0xG
— Sinead O'Shea (@SineadEOShea) July 26, 2023

Perhaps Sinead O'Connors greatest hit pic.twitter.com/FDJ8LotBSw
— SHANE REACTION (@imshanereaction) July 27, 2023

Sinead O'Connor's response to the execrable Piers Morgan's request that she appear on his show is legendary. Truly a loss. pic.twitter.com/zAvVWZOsvx
— Joel S. (@jh_swanson) July 26, 2023

Sinéad O'Connor, like Norm Macdonald, committed the grave taboo of doing something interesting and unexpected on SNL, and was made to pay for it.
— Will Sloan (@WillSloanEsq) July 26, 2023

*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
— Anthony Oliveira (@meakoopa) July 26, 2023

Holocaust denial makes no sense. If you hate Jews and the Holocaust didn't happen, what's to like about Hitler? The way he got Germany completely leveled and occupied by foreign armies?
— crisp mattman (@cushbomb) July 27, 2023

being governed by an oligarchy of hospice patients rules https://t.co/2OURUW9rft
— Garbage Ape (@GarbageApe) July 26, 2023

can we stop letting the oldest living people we can find run the United States
— Trixie Mattel™ (@trixiemattel) July 26, 2023

Well, at least now I know if I have a medical emergency in front of a bunch of GOP leaders, I can be assured no one will take me to the hospital for care.
— Jordan Klepper (@jordanklepper) July 26, 2023

Just accidentally Quantum Leaped into Mitch McConnell for like 30 seconds. Hope nobody noticed.
— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) July 26, 2023

For people saying Mitch McConnell should be hospitalized immediately or he could die, mind your business.
— Kilmartin, July: San Diego July 30 (@anylaurie16) July 26, 2023

Opinion | Mitch McConnell's behavior at a recent press conference raises questions about Biden's competence for high office.
— New York Times Pitchbot (@DougJBalloon) July 26, 2023

what if mitch mcconnell saw what she saw pic.twitter.com/rTBRyxRkEY
— pudding person (@JUNlPER) July 26, 2023

This alien shit is the most "pics or didn't happen" deal in history.
— crisp mattman (@cushbomb) July 26, 2023

"UFOs are real" okay? are they going to pay my rent? should we throw a party? should we invite bella hadid?
— ashley ray is on vacay (@theashleyray) July 27, 2023

Huge day for them pic.twitter.com/VVushwvWKO
— Jorge Molina (@colormejorge) July 26, 2023

i'm not paying student loans if there are aliens sorry
— Braxton 🟥 (@Braxtonbrew96) July 26, 2023

Kevin Spacey currently limping away from court before breaking into a stride.
— Mark Nelson (@marknelsoncomic) July 26, 2023

vaccinated? https://t.co/JJfHVhyMLi
— pudding person (@JUNlPER) July 26, 2023

Did you dislike how how Ken was portrayed? Did it make you uncomfortable to see his identity tied solely to his perceived romantic interest and that he was only validated when seen through her gaze? You're really close to realizing something big, sweetie. Keep going.
— Kalynn Bayron (@KalynnBayron) July 26, 2023

this web site is certianly on track to replace Banks, as it now struggles to maintain the functionality of a 30 year old geocities guestbook
— dragon Mind (@dril) July 26, 2023

 
July 27

"Let's replace all of our employees with A.I." pic.twitter.com/UuWgkYXIHh
— Scott Seiss (@ScottSeiss) July 27, 2023

After years of saying Hillary Clinton "bleached" and "acid washed" her emails... https://t.co/lcdssO4cUa
— Ben Collins (@oneunderscore__) July 27, 2023

Discovery of deleted Mar-a-Lago surveillance video casts a shadow over the Biden White House.
— New York Times Pitchbot (@DougJBalloon) July 28, 2023

So he literally asked someone to wipe his private server? Imagine being Hillary Clinton and just having to walk around all the time without constantly punching stuff.
— David Litt (@davidlitt) July 28, 2023

vaccinated? https://t.co/HDcO8Wsfvf
— pudding person (@JUNlPER) July 27, 2023

This is my new excuse for never going camping. https://t.co/977wWHmdD2
— Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) July 27, 2023

Have you seen Madonna with this new "cone bra" that she's wearing?

I thought people bought their underwear at Victoria's Secret…

Not BASKIN ROBBINS!
— Paul Rust (@paulrust) July 27, 2023

Man Who Said N-Word Standing Near Guitar Reaches Top Of Country Billboard Charts https://t.co/m1C9FYbZ7F pic.twitter.com/CH36RvALMN
— The Onion (@TheOnion) July 27, 2023

WE ARE EXPANDING NORTH. BY 2050 THERE WILL BE GATORS IN MAINE. MARK MY WORDS https://t.co/J3c0yYvvKE
— Gators Daily 🐊 (@GatorsDaily) July 27, 2023

Is it cost effective to save the world yet?
— Dr. Elizabeth Sawin (@bethsawin) July 27, 2023

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: July 28, 2023

Latest Coverage