Scurvy ridden whale men, a RICO indictment, ordering at the Olive Garden, a come-to-Jesus moment, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

August 11

Somehow I had never seen this Norm/Burt Reynolds/Tarantino thing before pic.twitter.com/mUdIiovF0R
— åπd®ew 🐢🐢 (@Andrew__Boley) August 12, 2023

This guy nails it pic.twitter.com/f6vR7avQQn
— Stop Cop City (@JoshuaPHilll) August 12, 2023

When I'm ordering at Olive Garden pic.twitter.com/e5NucSuo9r
— Ron Iver (@ronnui_) August 11, 2023

I don't understand posts like this you literally can dress like this casually nothing in the world is stopping you https://t.co/1kJpWmQM0N
— daisy buchanan (@whatgreenlight) August 11, 2023

Wild that we are now knee deep in a global planetary emergency that almost every government in the world is pretending isn't happening https://t.co/dSKg0mW6RY
— Matthew Todd 🌏🔥 (@MrMatthewTodd) August 11, 2023

Harrison Ford's "Broccoli" joke. Wait for it. 5 stars. pic.twitter.com/dTw1ifvjnJ
— Todd Spence (@Todd_Spence) August 11, 2023

pause. is that a tattoo of himself guiding the beatles across abbey road on his arm https://t.co/0E6kc7UQai
— no (@zedonarrival) August 12, 2023

August 12

Next tattoo… pic.twitter.com/9ORzCNO0O9
— ben stager (@bennnnst) August 12, 2023

My parents: Be straight
My friends: Be straight
My school: Be straight
The media: Be straight
All of society: Be straight

Me: I'm gay

Them: DoN't gRoOm uS!!!!!!
— Sacha Coward (@sacha_coward) August 12, 2023

Heterosexuals always say "Isn't she the one who did Call Me Maybe?" which is a bit like saying "Isn't he that carpenter from Nazareth?"
— Existential Worker (@ClickGate_) August 12, 2023

I'm crying 😭😂🤣 pic.twitter.com/utl81T5ya3
— Nix (@Velvet_Nix) August 13, 2023

i'm sorry i'm still laughing at "shakespeare's novels" https://t.co/M5fTtAJMXK
— the hot dam historian (@varsha_venkat_) August 12, 2023

This is the greatest thing I've seen all night pic.twitter.com/ae2huortpN
— TP (@OGxTP) August 13, 2023

Nixon's dog Checkers' grave.

Trump's first wife Ivana. 👇 pic.twitter.com/4SEydMu6NC
— Hoodlum 🇺🇸 (@NotHoodlum) August 13, 2023

That shit worked exactly as intended and it's high time we stop pretending it hasn't. https://t.co/V0Ljf8Fpto
— Joe Pinchpenny (@chadstanton) August 12, 2023

While people are out searching for bodies, the NYT does a piece about white people searching for their prized Rolex in the debris. https://t.co/vaEdsDKH4a
— Film The Police LA (@FilmThePoliceLA) August 12, 2023

I actually don't feel bad that Rolex watch girl's house burned down pic.twitter.com/s4jnePw2BO
— Calla (@CallaWalsh) August 13, 2023

love how everyone cheers when merry and Pippin enter the room on the one screen playing return of the King 😂 https://t.co/FvEYu1Q4Ai
— JRR Jokien (@joshcarlosjosh) August 12, 2023

Really. You couldn't have predicted the chemistry between an elite comedy pair that's been working together for four decades. You couldn't have done the math on them being able to comedically carry a younger talent and bring them into the fold. That was beyond your forecasting https://t.co/Isj58CbKBd
— Jingleghost (@JeremyMonjo) August 12, 2023

say it ain't so

I will not go

turn the lights off

carry me home pic.twitter.com/GC7TPGYU22
— Adam Cerious (@Browtweaten) August 12, 2023

August 13

How to lure me to my death pic.twitter.com/X0sVRGJOWK
— Hermeshuns 🤍 (@hermeshuns) August 13, 2023

It's giving last known image of a murder victim on a Netflix doc https://t.co/gly3z2fqxi
— CM (@conormurrayTM) August 13, 2023

Anxiety is so fucking embarrassing . Oh noooo what if something happens. Jesus christ
— cam (@largemotorcycle) August 13, 2023

lmaoooo pic.twitter.com/2w9APhiZ6t
— Sean Doherty (@seandoherty) August 13, 2023

taylor swift is a very funny person but possibly the funniest thing she's ever done is being born on december 13th 1989, and deciding to make that entire year all about her despite not living in it for a month
— r (@spitencandles) August 13, 2023

what if he just kept doing this all the way into a shark's mouth https://t.co/zbQ9hpKD2b
— ian karmel (@IanKarmel) August 14, 2023

one of the smartest things a gen z told me was to never explain a tiktok, meme, joke or anything you saw on the internet to someone irl. the pay off is small, the task is impossible and is old person behavior
— alex (@alex_abads) August 13, 2023

Y'all keep asking "why don't they have a Black sorority sister…"

Meanwhile I'm asking y'all why you'd want to subject a Black girl to this????????????????????? https://t.co/qQQ9RI3r8q
— yung auntie (she/her). (@MsPackyetti) August 13, 2023

I actually have no interest in watching Musk and Zuckerberg hit each other repeatedly. I want to see them and their assets taxed at the same rate I am. That would be a violent spectacle worth watching.
— Thomas Lecaque (@tlecaque) August 13, 2023

it's not that Mark is acting more "normal" now, it's that he is the first person with equivalent media focus and fame to treat Elon the way he clearly deserves to be treated: as an absolute charlatan. https://t.co/IGNhP4FAuy
— Robert Evans (The Only Robert Evans) (@IwriteOK) August 13, 2023

August 14

I finally realized why the Elon vs Zuckerberg fight seemed so familiar: pic.twitter.com/fCeB00JQ3G
— Kat Abu (@abughazalehkat) August 14, 2023

American Dalai lama https://t.co/6nm0dTz37V
— mr non fungible (@mrnonplungable) August 14, 2023

the regional shortage of Buttery Topping pic.twitter.com/H4imG4IRHe
— Ben Gordon (@itsbengordon) August 14, 2023

whoever noticed this is definitely top 3 unemployed ppl https://t.co/NeLw2nN2d2
— Hurt CoPain (@SaeedDiCaprio) August 14, 2023

At first I thought it was just poor impulse control but it's possible that DeSantis legitimately did not realize that he was picking a fight with the most litigious entity in human history https://t.co/lVNNUVUjRL
— Erik Baker (@erikmbaker) August 15, 2023

ron desantis gotta be the only candidate in history who loses ground in an election every time his opponent gets charged with felony crimes. a truly era-defining loser lol
— america's lounge singer (@KrangTNelson) August 15, 2023

Just imagining going back in time 20 years ago to explain to someone that Rudy Giuliani got indicted for attempting to overturn a presidential election on behalf of incumbent Donald Trump and Kanye West's publicist was a co-conspirator
— Ben Jacobs (@Bencjacobs) August 15, 2023

um actually when u indict a woman for racketeering it's called rica
— andy™ (@andylevy) August 15, 2023

RICO LAW pic.twitter.com/kyBJ756x13
— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) August 15, 2023

So she got farted on by Rudy AND indicted with him. Well done, @JennaEllisEsq. pic.twitter.com/A8PxTys16D
— Spiro's Ghost (@AntiToxicPeople) August 15, 2023

SAG-AFTRA Strike, explained pic.twitter.com/cTywtkGuPX
— Andrew Farago (@andrewfarago) August 14, 2023

The Maui fires are a good example of how conspiracy culture cannot and should not be reasoned with. There will be no come-to-Jesus moment on climate change or severe weather. There will just be more people claiming Oprah or Biden used a direct energy weapon. That's our future.
— Ben Collins (@oneunderscore__) August 14, 2023

August 15

rip dracula u would have loved going down a water slide flat on your back arms crossed over your chest
— is that keri? (@itiskeri) August 16, 2023

How is this not a goddamn Onion quote https://t.co/TtXhL0Kiv0
— Joseph K. 🟥 (@wallsallaround) August 15, 2023

Every single employee telling you they'll quit if you do this should have been enough data pic.twitter.com/fDKRteT6hy
— Fuck You I Quit (@fuckyouiquit) August 15, 2023

Your stomach bout to be a med school case study. https://t.co/DEsoV7Oo4k
— AT (@primediscussion) August 15, 2023

hahahahaha we're doomed pic.twitter.com/7tzMUCEytu
— Justin McElroy (@j_mcelroy) August 16, 2023

Piggybacking on @SomersErin here: I would say that this is perfectly representative of the drift of Millennial culture, which is that whatever charm or spirit it may have had in the early days was eventually subordinated to the logic of real estate improvement and appreciation. https://t.co/VW0YwskncW
— willy 🌜💧 (@willystaley) August 15, 2023

There used to be cheap urban rent, and good stuff to buy at thrift stores. There was basically a whole lifestyle arranged around these two interrelated facts. But now they're both gone. And that's because Zooey Deschanel is marrying a Property Brother. They caused this to happen.
— willy 🌜💧 (@willystaley) August 15, 2023

I know none of this is funny but I also cannot stop laughing at this graphic pic.twitter.com/ULVttJvqqf
— Seth Abramson (@SethAbramson) August 16, 2023

It's cool when a bathroom stall has a coat hook. like Yeah fuck it. I'll hang out
— Harrison Weinreb (@harriweinreb) August 15, 2023

and it worked https://t.co/lGePRTids2
— Snow Dan: The Return (@StolenDans) August 15, 2023

August 16

We didn't start the fire update pic.twitter.com/tj5r9zcZJ9
— James (@jrawson) August 16, 2023

really good subject line. gonna start using this pic.twitter.com/UW974eUeKR
— 🌴🌤️🌺 Miles Klee 🐠🦉🦂 (@youwouldntpost) August 16, 2023

Old but gold: wash your goddamn hands pic.twitter.com/oWmrjl2yD4
— The Tribal Chef (@ChefReactions) August 17, 2023

Picked up these bad boys with money I got pawning a gun I stole out of a truck with a thin blue line flag on it. Couldn't be happier. pic.twitter.com/fR8a93rpnJ
— Brawnald Dangerson (@brawnald) August 16, 2023

We're at this point in history. pic.twitter.com/OnrzbrqUn0
— Anonymous (@YourAnonNews) August 16, 2023

one of my clients is giving me permission to be racist to save her dogs lives. i am not making this up pic.twitter.com/eNkLU2QbnZ
— peter griffin mukbang (@whitesoxjordan) August 17, 2023

Yall I'm So Highh, My Momma Jus Asked Me To warm her food up.. I WARMED IT Up, Sat Down And Ate it 😭 She In Here Mad As Hell 😭😭😭
— Alissa🦋 (@alissafair_) August 16, 2023

Me watching Blue Beetle Friday night after choosing my seat to be right in front of the only other person who bought a ticket pic.twitter.com/YlAl24ogvQ
— Jesse Hawken (@jessehawken) August 17, 2023

why u touching it like that lil bro https://t.co/tHyF8Fcylu
— lil arab (@sweatyhairy) August 16, 2023

the top comment on the planet of the bass music video says it all pic.twitter.com/WgO7siOMmK
— kelsey weekman (@kelsaywhat) August 16, 2023

i mean it is ultimately true that when the rhythm is glad there is nothing to be sad
— Brian Jordan Alvarez (@brianjoralvarez) August 16, 2023

August 17

DJ Crazy Times and Biljana 1.0 giving 200% energy to a bewildered, not-terminally-online crowd at the Jonas Brothers show is one of the funniest things I've ever seen https://t.co/7HS6vhtwhI
— Rodger Sherman (@rodger) August 17, 2023

I'll straight up sip from a Big Gulp and gulp from a sippy cup. I really don't give a shit anymore.
— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) August 17, 2023

Thank you Milwaukee airport for accurately naming that place right after you get through security. pic.twitter.com/EcMsIDMXxQ
— Kim Severson (@kimseverson) August 17, 2023

female friendship is all about taking turns being insane. first one of you is crazy and the other has to counterbalance by being normal. then thirty minutes later you get to trade
— g a b y (@gabydvj) August 17, 2023

remember when everyone was like "don't punch nazis, it won't change anything, violence is never the answer" and then that one nazi got punched in the face real hard and we never had to hear from him again
— katie (@katefeetie) August 17, 2023

Dumbest country pic.twitter.com/vHRQUbsEnA
— Mr Dave Anthony (Lord) (@daveanthony) August 18, 2023

if Hilary moves to the right, she can take Arizona, and have a path to Nevada as well https://t.co/QmIf7BOT1j
— Rob DenBleyker (@RobDenBleyker) August 17, 2023

Shower Food Review 92: Sushi Boat- The longer this goes the harder it gets. There's only so many foods & I don't know how much more I have to say. I never thought I'd be doing this for 9 months. People tell me I have a lot of followers. But when I turn around no one's there. 8/10 pic.twitter.com/YKFP9GtvDp
— gaz (@gazpachomachine) August 17, 2023

babe, what if we kissed outside the temporary hospital for scurvy-ridden whalemen who had been trapped in the ice for months pic.twitter.com/A6rxWLTn1i
— Owl! at the Library 😴🧙‍♀️ (@SketchesbyBoze) August 17, 2023

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: August 18, 2023

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