Six Times Hollywood Was Literally Shit in 2015
Published Jan 05, 2016Now that 2015 has come and gone, we can finally look back on the year's cinematic output and pick apart just what happened. There were plenty of highs and lows, but also some strangely shitty moments. And we mean that quite literally — it seemed like everywhere we looked, someone was using bowel movements as a cinematic motif.
Everybody poops, to be sure, but it's not often that so many mainstream films dissect the act of dropping a deuce. We've shovelled up six examples of 2015's obsession with the number two, and now it's up to you to decide what it means. Was Hollywood more crass than ever in 2015, or was the poopy hive mind simply a coincidence?
Whatever the case, be warned that this article is soiled with spoilers.
6. Jurassic World
(Dir. Colin Trevorrow)
Making $1.6 billion at the box office wasn't the only time that Jurassic World had us exclaiming "gross" — there was also a crappy crud scene. It would have appeared further up on this list had the filmmakers not wisely decided to flush it, but it still exists on the Blu-ray (and online). Here, Bryce Dallas Howard covers herself in dinosaur feces from head to toe in an attempt to mask her scent from other hungry dinos. There's even some weirdly erotic subtext where she lifts her skirt to get the turd smell on her upper thigh. Some people are apparently into that sort of thing, though.
(Dir. Ryan Coogler)
Michael B. Jordan and Sylvester Stallone had fantastic chemistry together as Adonis Creed and Rocky Balboa, and Creed was yet another winner in Rocky's ongoing cinematic world. The film masterfully ramps up tension as Creed trains and fights his way into the spotlight, but one key moment is interrupted with some crass potty talk. Just as Creed is about to step into the ring for his first high-profile fight, he demands that Balboa remove his gloves. "I've gotta take a shit!" he yells. And while it may have demonstrated the toll that high-pressure situations can have on one's body, it also had us thinking about Michael B. Jordan grunting on the john rather than fighting in the ring.
4. The Visit
(Dir. M. Night Shyamalan)
For all of its attempts to scare, The Visit was mostly shocking because it was a new M. Night Shyamalan flick that was simply mediocre instead of absolutely terrible. As with any Shyamalan project, the film had a half-decent twist, and this time it involved — you guessed it — human excrement. It turns out that the film's villain Pop Pop likes to play with poop, as he has a shitty shed full of used adult diapers. Then, in the movie's climax, there's a scene when his incontinence gets the best of him and he diarrheas down his own leg. What a crock!
(Dir. Levan Gabriadze)
The Visit wasn't the only 2015 horror flick plagued with loose stools. On paper, Unfriended was a supernatural revenge movie framed within the constraints of a laptop computer screen, but it was just as much about BMs as it was about DMs. A group of friends have their innocent night on Skype turned into a death trap when the ghost of Laura Barns, a former classmate, starts killing them off one by one. We later learn why Barns wants revenge: These teens uploaded a video of her sharting at a party to YouTube, and the embarrassment was enough for Barns to take her own life. While cyberbullying is no joking matter, did the filmmakers really expect a group of immature teens not to laugh at a party foul this foul?
(Dir. John Crowley)
Screenwriter Nick Hornby's latest is a delightfully charming Irish-Canadian romantic drama that has achieved universal acclaim from critics. It's also a movie that contains a scene where Saoirse Ronan has violent diarrhea into a bucket. That said, this poo scene is one of the few that seemed well-intentioned rather than gratuitous, as Ronan's character Eilis is experiencing seasickness while travelling across the Atlantic Ocean. It's one of those rare occasions where an on-camera bowel evacuation actually added a layer of depth to a film. The only thing that makes it weird is that Ronan recently called the role "the first time ever, professionally, where my personal life and my character's life ran parallel in every way." Damn.
1. The Martian
(Dir. Ridley Scott)
Speaking of buckets of shit, did you see The Martian? With its endlessly jokey dialogue and a plot that belongs in the popular Facebook group "I fucking love science," Ridley Scott's latest was a little too goofy for some. And when they did slow down on the banter, the film was strange in other ways. Take, for example, a long and horrific scene where Matt Damon's character decides to use astronaut excrement to fertilize plants on Mars. It's an interesting enough idea, to be sure, but did any of us really enjoy watching Damon dry-heave while prodding around in a bucket of Jessica Chastain's dried dookie? Sure, he was successful with growing potatoes in space, but at what cost?