Date with bae, YOU ARE GAY, Father's Day, AD4K, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

September 2

DO NOT GENDER BEND YOUR LOVE SONGS AT KARAOKE. YOU ARE GAY FOR THE NEXT FOUR MINUTES.
— jacky (covidtina edition) (@JackWilliamRtF) September 3, 2022

Me explaining military time: So it goes up to 24 and then it starts again from the beginning
Leonardo DiCaprio: Sounds perfect.
— Adam Carnevale? (@RetroArchetype) September 2, 2022

Social studies teacher and English teacher taking a pic together during the field trip https://t.co/pZvvwX2uLL
— Sandra (@yyomequedoaqui) September 3, 2022

fellas . fellas i have a question pic.twitter.com/l2G9saupju
— commander leen (@lean_973) September 3, 2022

Girl .. pic.twitter.com/UH3A3KVpXb
— NY brat (@itsfuckinariel) September 2, 2022

a woman just got proposed to on the jumbotron at the cyclones game and she said no. she was very angry.
— marianela d'aprile (@maridapr) September 2, 2022

I HATE HOW OUTLOOK DELETES INVITATION EMAILS AFTER YOU ACCEPT THE INVITATION.
— sean laverty (@seanteachesmath) September 2, 2022

YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT ON THE RED LIGHT pic.twitter.com/P75FHBEqWs
— Stone Cold Jane Austen 😶‍🌫️ (@AbbyHiggs) September 2, 2022

nice pic.twitter.com/PNKBkgYShl
— bolty (@AmbJohnBoIton) September 2, 2022

 
September 3

Found a Father's Day card my brother wrote my dad pic.twitter.com/MiozKmpm6J
— n (@l3avem3alone) September 3, 2022

creepiest cooking vid i've ever seen pic.twitter.com/LwvIijAxgs
— amber rollo (@ambercrollo) September 4, 2022

It's about that time of year again! pic.twitter.com/7dgGXTfV5z
— Michael Myers (@RealMMyers78) September 3, 2022

Home Depot's singular positive mark on American society is thanks to the unknown hero on some product committee who was like "the people don't know what they want, we will show them" and then gifted us the 12 ft tall skeleton. Happy enormous skeleton season to all who celebrate. pic.twitter.com/6M4VUBHTqq
— Jenni Tabler, PhD (@jenni_tabler) September 4, 2022

one thing i appreciate about ikea is how they will not sell furniture to anyone who cannot escape a labyrinth
— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) September 3, 2022

girls on Snapchat will be like "date with bae" and it's just this guy pic.twitter.com/2P27ZJBrmu
— jestin (@jestingtime) September 3, 2022

i regret applying for twitter verification pic.twitter.com/NpYHtE4AVg
— dustin Couch (@Dustinkcouch) September 4, 2022

Still have never seen one good argument against these points. Not one. pic.twitter.com/LKqpburYEO
— Read Class Struggle Unionism by Joe Burns (@JoshuaPotash) September 4, 2022

insane that late night TV was ever allowed to be this good pic.twitter.com/2vAaKn191U
— wyatt dunkin (@WyattDuncan) September 3, 2022

Hello. All of the actors from Friends are now older than the youngest Golden Girl was in that show's first season. Have a nice day.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) September 3, 2022

She is never beating those allegations pic.twitter.com/HNf6EOBa39
— Raf (@rafayfay) September 3, 2022

 
September 4

fuk a break up, have y'all ever had to chase your dog down the street and they're thinking it's a game
— ⭒ T-show 💀 (@klllngsleyy) September 4, 2022

My son just said "My ADHD is so severe, it's AD4K"
— Cory Webb (@corywebb) September 5, 2022

i just accidentally flushed one of my airpods down the toilet now im watching it move through the pipes on apple maps
— `eli (@sakoorku) September 4, 2022

stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
— elise morgan (@crocfanpage) September 5, 2022

S/o to the dude tripping balls last night who hijacked the merch table and tried to sell shirts for double the price while we were on stage, then handed me a wad of money at the end of night and said "I'm a hero"
— corythanson (@corythanson) September 4, 2022

beautiful pic.twitter.com/vstYSV7YKW
— Jamison Webb (@jamisonwebb) September 5, 2022

"Still punk as fuck", I whisper as I reach for my pill organizer
— Scoob (@Scoobydouchebag) September 4, 2022

Me as a teenager: once I am an adult, I will stay up as late as I want!

Me as an adult: I'm going to tuck myself in at 9 pm, as a treat.
— Icona 📚 (@iconawrites) September 4, 2022

That was awesome when Kawhi was on the Toronto Raptors I looked up to him at the time he is 11 years younger than me
— ben stager (@bennnnst) September 4, 2022

openly french-canadian pic.twitter.com/rJH1G3c1va
— lily alexandre (@lily_lxndr) September 4, 2022

oh my god they just announced Phase 2 of SMCU (Serious Man Cinematic Universe) pic.twitter.com/bPDEQd7MPL
— jesse "display name" raub (@jesseraub) September 4, 2022

If you're mad that there are Black Elves and Black Dwarves in Middle-earth, I have news for you. Middle-earth isn't real, but you *are* really racist.
— Kyle D. Anderson (@KyleDAnderson) September 4, 2022

 
September 5

Some LOTR fans: THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE MEDIEVAL EUROPE WHY ARE THERE BLACK PEOPLE???

Me: WHY ARE THERE POTATOES???
— Alysa Obertas (@AstroAlysa) September 5, 2022

Sorry man I wasn't planning on going to Scarborough Fair. Good luck tho
— Ryan 🛤 (@ryanposting) September 5, 2022

After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said "We're finally empty nesters. Let's start traveling".
— uncle mom (@mayamanion) September 5, 2022

The fact that the person I hired to do calendaring, scheduling, and filter emails just quit because the emails gave her so much anxiety she couldn't open them is fucking validating for me. Because girl they make me want to hide in bed forever. That's WHY I paid someone to do it.
— Stephanie Land (@stepville) September 5, 2022

chris pine disassociating at a press conference, florence pugh showing up 15 mins late with an aperol spritz, tom cruise clinging to a plane and saying "see you at the movies!", brendan fraser getting a six minute ovation...maybe cinema really is back
— monica 🫡 (@waystarroyhoe) September 5, 2022

congratulations white people on getting your "solange bey and jay in the elevator" sized scandal
— folu (@notfolu) September 6, 2022

 
September 6

i be wondering if solange ever jump at jay z just to see if he flinch
— Ӡ (@ihythreat) September 6, 2022

this whole time i thought florence pugh was the full name of the girl from florence and the machine. see... this is why i stay out of white business.
— king crissle (@crissles) September 6, 2022

some of you need to think less about chris pine, and more about the 187 different species of pine tree and their role in our ecosystem
— stuart (@punished_stu) September 6, 2022

I dont know (or care) about the Olivia Wilde -Florence Pugh -Harry Styles -Shia LaBeouf -Chris Pine situation but someone explaining it like this has me CRYYING 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/FlQveI0Yta
— Erin (@ErinMPeyton) September 6, 2022

paypal is like "you just received $100! what would you like to do with your $91? oh you want to transfer your $86? okay transferring $79 to your bank"
— lacey (@byelacey) September 6, 2022

A man in McDonald's just ordered an apple pie and the cashier said "would you like to do two apple pies instead" while giving no reasoning or context and the man said "yes." I demand all conversations moving forward to be this way. Efficient, goal-oriented, apple pie adjacent.
— Kim Quindlen (@kimquindlen) September 6, 2022

Again for the people in the back pic.twitter.com/YGbTTYJcvw
— Peter Kalmus (@ClimateHuman) September 7, 2022

Remember when Siskel died and the Onion headline was just "Ebert Wins" with no follow up
— CHAOTIC NEUTRAL arrives 9/20 (@edburmila) September 6, 2022

September 7

I've been laughing at "This isn't the 1800s. You can't pay me with a horse" for a solid 10 minutes pic.twitter.com/DO3ribvXQD
— Abe Goldfarb (@AbeGoldfarb) September 8, 2022

the left should admit that trump is funny...a presentation: pic.twitter.com/Af7QEpuzKr
— manny (@mannyfidel) September 7, 2022

Yo I think there's a fucking fiddler on my roof
— Let's Ride Johnson (@sexwithuruncle) September 7, 2022

i bought a little notebook. it's not going to be like all those other times i thought i could use a little notebook
— rax 'leads with her crotch' king (@RaxKingIsDead) September 7, 2022

Once I wrote about the Latina pay gap for a publication and later found out I was paid $100 less than the publication usually pays for opinion pieces. They paid me, a Latina, less than they pay my white peers, for an article about how Latinas make less than white people.
— Lola Méndez (@lolaannamendez) September 7, 2022

Spielberg was only 26 when he made Jaws. Michael Jackson was only 24 when he recorded Thriller. SE Hinton was only 19 when The Outsiders was published. It's too late. You need to give up
— ʎǝlɹɐɥƆ (@charleyonhere) September 7, 2022

in class talking about tropes & plausibility, an undergrad blew us all away with a casual "it's unreasonable to assume a character knows what genre they're in"
— Chelsey Johnson (@chelseyhotel) September 7, 2022

YOU DO YOU IS NOT PUBLIC HEALTH
— Tory Cross (@queer_spice) September 7, 2022

If you've seen everything.. 😅 pic.twitter.com/pIcPdVrjE9
— Buitengebieden (@buitengebieden) September 7, 2022

you want to get stoned? the thing that killed two birds??
— Lil Spoon (@501LilSpoon) September 7, 2022

I'm 42. I've owned dogs my entire life. Somehow I was totally unprepared for this moment pic.twitter.com/BtunqPUrwD
— Matt Paprocki (@Matt_Paprocki) September 7, 2022

I am terrible sandwich Mom 🤦🏻‍♀️Not my kid going viral for roasting me 💀🥪 https://t.co/GajQWuWGrB
— Ricki Weisberg | Publicist (@RickiWeisberg) September 7, 2022

 
September 8

pic.twitter.com/MJqXJ6ByG0
— Kids in the Hall (@KITHOnline) September 8, 2022

I'm no fan of The Queen but meeting Liz Truss and then immediately dying is a move I respect.
— 𝕻𝖍𝖎𝖑𝖎𝖕 𝕮𝖍𝖗𝖎𝖘𝖙 (@papasombra) September 8, 2022

CHECK YOUR SCHEDULED TWEETS!!!!! pic.twitter.com/Hz92RFFPih
— an ancient man (@goulcher) September 8, 2022

I am sitting with my friend who is at his Canadian citizenship ceremony via Zoom. There is a long delay. He was supposed to swear his allegiance to the Queen. I'm guessing they're trying to sort out what to do now.
— Roberto Rocha (@robroc) September 8, 2022

'She loved to colonize': World remembers Queen Elizabeth II
— Walking Eagle News (@TheEagleist) September 8, 2022

Standing outside buckingham palace With my portable speaker blasting see you again by Wiz khalifa
— pj (@pjayevans) September 8, 2022

my sister lives in North Ireland & just texted saying the neighborhood has started lighting fireworks lmaoooooo
— Jess Whitney (@Jessica_Whitney) September 8, 2022

My heart is with 🇨🇦right now, your money is about to get so ugly.
— Laurie Kilmartin- Gutsy, Ep 6, Apple TV 9/9 (@anylaurie16) September 8, 2022

The Canada Council for the Arts has announced its biggest grant yet! Instead of awarding grants to a pool of writers, CCA will be giving one grant worth $500,000,000 to one single writer
— Beautiful CanLit (@ILoveCanLit) September 8, 2022

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: September 9, 2022

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