If they made Indiana Jones & The Last Crusade today, coolest thing your lawyer can say, all the way, how to open your essay, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

September 1

Need a full length netflix docuseries about Pop Crave. Where they came from. Who they are. Where their headquarters are. IF they have headquarters. Who is Pop Base . Are they friends. Are they foes. Whyd they come at the same time. What's the origin. Howd they get on our feeds.
— michaela okland (@MichaelaOkla) September 1, 2023

'NEVER SURRENDER!' says man holding photo of himself surrendering pic.twitter.com/Hy1639EGqI
— Fred Delicious 🍆 (@Fred_Delicious) September 1, 2023

Why is every Hello Fresh ad this desperate? pic.twitter.com/Sh2XYChUeK
— Scott Seiss (@ScottSeiss) September 1, 2023

Remember how Elon Musk announced he would fund the legal costs for anyone who got fired for their tweets? Well there's a guy being executed in Saudi Arabia over his tweets (9 followers) and Elon is the executioner's (Prince Bonesaw's) close personal friend and business partner.
— Liam Nissan™ (@theliamnissan) September 1, 2023

Did you know that a 300 word cat obituary with a photo in the Toronto Star costs over $800? I am sure the human rate is the same, which is why I am telling you.
— Damien Nelson (@5onthe5) September 1, 2023

saw a show at the comedy store. jeselnik came out and said comedians who complain about cancel culture are fucking losers who need to shut up and do their job…. then whitney came out and complained about cancel culture
— Alice Hamilton (@AliceRHamilton) September 1, 2023

You can just test them. Covid, flu, whatever. These are top athletes, you can actually just do tests and figure out what the illness is. It's 2023, not 1823 pic.twitter.com/DCW0l9xusS
— Mr Dave Anthony (Lord) (@daveanthony) September 1, 2023

once when I was waitressing I had a co-worker who was SO unfazed by rude customers and I was like "how do you do it?!" and she was like "oh, I have a trustfund- I just do this to make friends" and I think about her every day
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) September 1, 2023

If every single person who wrote for The Golden Girls isn't living on a private island with sand sculptures of the entire cast, the royalties situation is even more messed up than I thought. This number of jokes per episode should buy you a seafood buffet spaceship.
— Amy Miller (@amymiller) September 2, 2023

September 2

Seinfeld taught me that in my 30s I should always be mildly stressed out about some kind of tickets to something
— y a n n i (@JaySaqqa) September 2, 2023

Made it to the Renaissance Tour! Can't wait for Beyoncé to come out 🐝 pic.twitter.com/45NlKN1U2S
— Dillon Nelson (@dillydilldilly) September 2, 2023

Justice for VanVan https://t.co/PHRdsxhGZe pic.twitter.com/zyS2vgYoCL
— Heben Nigatu (@hebennigatu) September 2, 2023

I love that Sgt. Pepper is considered the first concept album and the concept is "we are a BAND and we are singing "SONGS"
— campbell g (@rodeoman) September 2, 2023

if you're going to dress like this you need to make music that is a little more interesting than something that plays while shopping at Walgreens https://t.co/mxudUcdoGv
— Jane Altoids (@staticbluebat) September 2, 2023

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, "I stg if you use your bank pin."

I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
— emily (@emilykmay) September 2, 2023

Kinda funny that cops ran over anti-capitalist climate protestors just so 70k people could spend thousands of dollars going to Burning Man to get trapped by freezing torrential rains in a flash-flooded mudplain filled with overflowing porta-potties & flesh-eating shrimp
— Strewth 🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈 (@StrewthQueen) September 3, 2023

Hulu and Netflix when they heard what's going on rn at Burning Man pic.twitter.com/gFUtsN9I0d
— Mihrimah|FS |Xanaxyra Tepes |🪬🤲 (@Mihrimah_FS) September 3, 2023

I absolutely can not WAIT until the "Trapped At Burning Man" documentary drops on Netflix in about 4 months. pic.twitter.com/CFOvowHD2m
— Richard Harvey (@Richardharveyjr) September 2, 2023

Receiving word about burning man from random twitter users like I'm listening to the war of the worlds broadcast in 1938
— R & R (@raiden_raidin) September 3, 2023

Interesting. I'm 42 years old, and I have lived in Canada my whole life.

The freedom convoy was the first time and only time in my life where I truly felt embarrassed to be Canadian.

And I run a Transport/Logistics company. Every trucker I know was working. https://t.co/KypDUt9Vxx
— Cris Thorne (@Thor_Beats) September 3, 2023

It's been nearly 4 years, you know why. https://t.co/yHZ6xTNVNY
— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) September 2, 2023

Bit harsh on the child. pic.twitter.com/eRp0VegTBy
— Mark Wallace (@wallaceme) September 2, 2023

None of you are Tony Soprano, like 20% of you are Carmela Soprano, 15% of you are Meadow Soprano and the remaining 85% are AJ soprano sorry
— Cigs* (@DoingCigarettes) September 3, 2023

Robert Iler is the same age now as James Gandolfini was in season 1 of The Sopranos.

This is too fucked up for me to even think about pic.twitter.com/Gr3i1H1wg2
— Sopranos Central (@orange_peelbeef) September 2, 2023

I added up everything you claimed to have purchased, and the total is $27.53 — and, yes, this is the same store! https://t.co/64fhxxR5VC pic.twitter.com/1wGxy2YrG4
— LeGate 𝕏 (@williamlegate) September 2, 2023

Did Mr. Burns write this? pic.twitter.com/O0xbvbeHqB
— BILL RYAN (@faceyouhate) September 2, 2023

Imagine dying and a journalist immediately moves to destroy your legacy pic.twitter.com/ymOdnJJPLU
— Cigs* (@DoingCigarettes) September 2, 2023

I'll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
— 𝑴𝒐 𝑴𝒐𝒉𝒍𝒆𝒓 (@MoMohler) September 3, 2023

September 3

I was feeling creative today and came up with this insane idea. To be clear: it's not meant to be taken too seriously. It's just something that made me laugh.
And it's probably not for everyone... pic.twitter.com/BdbhYHEL0D
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) September 4, 2023

Hot days like this are perfect for a refreshing Italian boba tea pic.twitter.com/9SOpOrGUaj
— Bruenig Man (@PersonalBeavis) September 3, 2023

Just got hit by a big pizza pie. Right in my fucking eye
— Nieltown (@nieltown) September 4, 2023

Latino Pixar movies are like "look mijo….Abuela's magical tortillas have come to life!"
— martina martinez (@illegalth0t) September 3, 2023

me after eating ice cream knowing I'm lactose intolerant 🤣 pic.twitter.com/tDihH4Xs7j
— H☆TGIRL💳 (@mainbitchclique) September 3, 2023

No shit we sending out Bobby Portis and Walker Kessler https://t.co/zcXZyvFTKo
— Austin (@ChefTrillie) September 3, 2023

This is what your 9th Grade English teacher means when she says "give your essay a strong opener." https://t.co/NSwu33OC5J
— Rohita Kadambi (@RohitaKadambi) September 4, 2023

pic.twitter.com/bz1lllYs10
— Erin Nicole Smith (@dancingbird222) September 3, 2023

Ubiquitous plastic. pic.twitter.com/hNLFmcLWXT
— Dr. William J. Ripple (@WilliamJRipple) September 3, 2023

If they made INDIANA JONES & THE LAST CRUSADE today pic.twitter.com/77jZw63TyJ
— Motion Picture Potion Mixer (@mopipomixer) September 4, 2023

RIP Jimmy Buffett, who died at the age of 523 pic.twitter.com/aV91m6ub8a
— Stone Cold Jane Austen (@AbbyHiggs) September 3, 2023

Can't wait to find out what heinous act he committed to cause them to tell us he's acting exactly like a father should. https://t.co/5Esmlau9gk
— Alexis "Bring Back Bunheads" Wilson (@sassyblackdiva) September 3, 2023

"President Biden has been briefed on the situation at the Burning Man festival," is just an incredible new sentence https://t.co/qYIh4sSdMI
— Josh Billinson (@jbillinson) September 3, 2023

you're laughing. a horde of tech bros were going to take shrooms for the first time and finally experience empathy, but they got trench foot instead. and you're laughing
— morgan sung (@morgan_sung) September 3, 2023

imagine being the person who had to explain to joe biden what burning man is https://t.co/j1g0jSueb2
— rax 'leads with her crotch' king (@RaxKingIsDead) September 3, 2023

My heart goes out to the gentle people of burning man. You pagan nymphs and fairies, goat legged pranksters. Dreadlock clock-kings of men. Stilt-walking steam punks and knights who bravely wear armor made out of Chef Boyardee cans. God speed 🫡
— Cory Hanson (@corythanson) September 3, 2023

Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
— Sam Morril (@sammorril) September 3, 2023

all the burning man attendees just disappear and then joe biden appears on tv in a druid's robe holding a ceremonial dagger saying climate change has been averted for 72 moons
— jack wagner (@jackdwagner) September 3, 2023

September 4

sorry i just found out there are cops at burning man who will arrest you on drug charges and now if i'm being honest i no longer understand the point of burning man at all
— sorrel (@sorrelquest) September 4, 2023

Can't stop the intrusive vision in my head of Roman and Kendall Roy screaming into iPhones, trying to get out of the mudlogged Burning Man.
— Moira Donegan (@MoiraDonegan) September 4, 2023

Forever lmao https://t.co/wWfz8Oxlkp pic.twitter.com/Epb4Q4goxX
— Karate Skool (@KarateSkool) September 4, 2023

This is from Skyfall. Jordan Peterson is half-remembering the villain monologue from the movie Skyfall and confidently retelling it as a historical fact. And that pretty much sums up how he gets most of his information. https://t.co/5P1gQjUQAT
— David C Bell (@MovieHooligan) September 4, 2023

"Dies" https://t.co/MO76wrJPna
— John Moe (@johnmoe) September 5, 2023

gilmore girls is an incredibly stressful show I do not know why people gear up to watch it every fall like? do you enjoy watching lorelei yell at her parents for just wanting to help her? do u like seeing rory make every bad decision possible?? this is fun for you???
— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) September 4, 2023

leonardo dicaprio just switched to yahoo https://t.co/NCK8Pjyqhg
— Hurt CoPain (@SaeedDiCaprio) September 4, 2023

Dumb celebrities: I'm going to trash talk the striking writers and actors.

Writers and actors: Now I have to tell every story of you being a piece of shit.
— Mr Dave Anthony (Lord) (@daveanthony) September 5, 2023

Bill Maher complaining about writers wanting special treatment is a great opportunity to remind everyone about the time I went to Maroon 5's Halloween party and Maher was screaming at the bouncer because they didn't have a special line for celebrities.

Also they did have one. https://t.co/cFJFfKaiQS
— Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) September 4, 2023

when my old reps tried to convince me to write for 'real time' they said the writers got paid better than anyone in late night, when i asked why they said because it was so awful working with bill. https://t.co/ArNLYHj0EU
— josh androsky (@ShutUpAndrosky) September 4, 2023

Watching Silence of the Lambs rn and Buffalo Bill has really good taste in music. All the songs he plays in his murder dungeon are heaters.
— Will 🦥 Menaker (@willmenaker) September 5, 2023

🕵🏻‍♂️ https://t.co/frKsZ46TGY
— Mark Ruffalo (@MarkRuffalo) September 4, 2023

I love, love, love the fact he put it all online. What a bunch of chuds. https://t.co/tmpv9tkINb
— Dean Blundell🇨🇦 (@ItsDeanBlundell) September 4, 2023

You're a decade older than her, childless and unmarried lol https://t.co/N0bsjwd4Co
— Rayyvana (@RayyvanaTTV) September 4, 2023

guys, i spent 200% of market value on my company and its worth has dropped by half, i'm going to have to sue the anti-defamation league
— man it's a hot zone, (@Mobute) September 5, 2023

I love the implication that the erratic management, mass layoffs, incoherent moderation, destruction of verification, decimated engineering staff, serial unbanning of racists, and crumbling infrastructure had nothing to do with twitter losing half its value. Nope, just Jews. pic.twitter.com/zW4fFAQASb
— Mike Rothschild (no relation) (@rothschildmd) September 5, 2023

If only we had a historical precedent for a man blaming all his failures on the Jews.
— Jared Yates Sexton (@JYSexton) September 5, 2023

It's all kind of vaguely stated but the only thing I have gleaned from Elon Musk's public melt down about ADL and his advertisers this weekend is that "X" is not doing very well financially
— Michael Edison Hayden (@MichaelEHayden) September 4, 2023

Musk is not going to sue the ADL (he'd lose) anymore than he was going to cage fight Mark Zuckerberg (he'd lose). At this point, no media outlet should be uncritically parroting the bombastic things Musk randomly says on Twitter and then never follows through on. https://t.co/1yRW1RGz6w
— Yair Rosenberg (@Yair_Rosenberg) September 4, 2023

Beyoncé Hires Mohammed Bin Salman To Perform At Her Birthday https://t.co/AcQtNVqHxi pic.twitter.com/TlVioSOrSZ
— The Onion (@TheOnion) September 4, 2023

I'm a free speech absolutist but if I don't like your speech I'm going to sue you and if my business partners don't like it you may be put to death.
— Matthew Gertz (@MattGertz) September 4, 2023

Whether it's Jewish users complaining about antisemitic death threats they get on Twitter or it's Elon Musk blaming the Jews for Twitter's ad revenue being down, Jews are behind both sides of Twitter's problems.
— New York Times Pitchbot (@DougJBalloon) September 4, 2023

It is very possible that Twitter's lost revenue is due to the incel who renamed it X, let back in all the banned Nazis, and is threatening the org most known for fighting antisemitism. I'm gonna say highly probable even.
— Mr. Newberger (@jeremynewberger) September 5, 2023

September 5

Folks. We have a winner. Posted a week after Elon took over. https://t.co/RpdcCvLpVU
— Seth Cotlar, mostly now at the other places (@SethCotlar) September 5, 2023

ELON (REPLYING TO "REVERSE RACISM WATCH" ACCOUNT): We have no choice but to bankrupt the ADL, due to free speech. How ironic.

LINDA YACCARINO (CEO OF THIS COMPANY): Did somebody say coffee?? Hope everyone's Tuesday is off to a good start!
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) September 6, 2023

Step #1: Buy a $30 billion dollar company for $44 billion

Step #2: Kill everything people like about it until it's worth maybe $8 billion

Step #3: Blame the Jews
— Ben Wexler (@mrbenwexler) September 5, 2023

OMG.

This woman came to troll Peter Navarro again. 😉

Respect. pic.twitter.com/ZHjLXNyR5q
— Republicans against Trump (@RpsAgainstTrump) September 6, 2023

The coolest thing your lawyer can say right before you go to jail https://t.co/A7Zsbqz9cD
— elle hardy (@ellehardy) September 6, 2023

Deer My Friends

Everybuddy says I should not have given speshell treatment to my wedding guests but I only did that because of the Federul goverment, the Bank of Canada, the corrupped former liberul goverment, Andrea Horvath, people on bicycles and also Ryan Seecrest.

Premair pic.twitter.com/C2xrBh2UhY
— Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions (@mynamesnotgordy) September 5, 2023

Hilarious. Now what about the $1M Greenbelt payment???? https://t.co/12eoYDhIk7
— TDot Resident (@TDotResident) September 6, 2023

That's not how masking works. https://t.co/azsibCHCZz
— Joaquín Beltrán (@joaquinlife) September 5, 2023

Also, no it isn't. https://t.co/j6nET48WJZ
— T. Ryan Gregory (@TRyanGregory) September 5, 2023

What does "all the way through" mean. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN https://t.co/gHgJv6PCw2
— Imani Gandy (Orca's Version) ⚓️ (@AngryBlackLady) September 5, 2023

September 6

My husband had diarrhea all the way through the plane on the way to Barcelona pic.twitter.com/s2eGmxBLoi
— blaire erskine (@blaireerskine) September 6, 2023

wake up babe, new tom hardy voice to do an impression of just dropped pic.twitter.com/AgIimAo8b9
— Jordan (@JordanHGus) September 6, 2023

Ahhhhhhhh the incredibly soothing sensation of Tom Hardy doing another new voice and accent that has never existed before.
— Aaron Stewart-Ahn (@somebadideas) September 6, 2023

no f'king way dude pic.twitter.com/CGmgJKNBtv
— maddi (@urmanicpixiegf) September 7, 2023

Country with massive housing shortage not sure what to do with all these empty office buildings https://t.co/krfktrDSka pic.twitter.com/rNzLV7YQOG
— The Beaverton (@TheBeaverton) September 6, 2023

Underrated Norm bit. It's really fun to watch him just get lost in the setup before he goes in for the punch pic.twitter.com/LfzwCkkpKd
— Chris (@rantaclaus97) September 7, 2023

Norm MacDonald on Bill Maher. https://t.co/7CYmfqa2IM pic.twitter.com/LY6TgDxkIQ
— Sean O'Connor (@seanoconnz) September 7, 2023

"I want you to answer my question. Three times I've asked it. What did Donald Trump do that was 'downright abhorrent'? It's your words."

I asked @VivekGRamaswamy about his old tweets & writings, him criticizing Trump, and it got a little heated.
Watch:pic.twitter.com/3E13GBYlJ0
— Mehdi Hasan (@mehdirhasan) September 6, 2023

WATCH: "Truth" banner falls on top of Vivek Ramaswamy. Perfect symbolism for his campaign of lies. pic.twitter.com/YutAsMTSvC
— Kaivan Shroff (@KaivanShroff) September 6, 2023

Every.Single.Thing about this video is hilarious to me 😂 pic.twitter.com/4JhNX8jIKv
— Naima Cochrane (@naima) September 7, 2023

TOP 5 WORST MAGAZINES:

5. Rowling Stone
4. Stephen Harper's Bizarre
3. Jorts Illustrated
2. The North Yorker
1. Peephole
— Dave Merritt (@GoldenSeals) September 6, 2023

Obama: Like I do every year, here are some of my favorite people to have gay sex with while smoking crack in 1999. Looking forward to hearing who I missed!

~Barack Obama's Gay Sex While On Crack List 1999~
— Rajat Suresh (@rajat_suresh) September 6, 2023

So, Fauci was waiting for 40 years, along with the deep state, for a novel Coronavirus to infect the world so they could pounce with their plan to mask everyone, so that, uh, people would mask, and uh, then they'd be controlled, and uh… then what?

What's step two? Hats? https://t.co/VFnQ4tQROJ
— Jay Black (@jayblackisfunny) September 6, 2023

great question https://t.co/MlV2IUiw1g
— octave (@curtofranklin) September 6, 2023

I think one day we'll look back and realize this is the funniest 30 seconds to ever happen in the history of recorded music pic.twitter.com/ArqZ2CV2RJ
— grace spelman (@GraceSpelman) September 6, 2023

Sophie Turner is currently in the impeccable position of being able to listen to Taylor Swift breakup songs literally written about her ex & I think that's beautiful
— tori (@doritenholm) September 6, 2023

whoever is doing PR for joe jonas needs to be fired expeditiously like buddy idk how but instead of making joe look good you've convinced the entire internet that he must have murdered sophie turner's entire family or something
— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) September 6, 2023

Unsure of how everyone else read this, but I honestly thought this was a headline about a killer crab. pic.twitter.com/T8mLliJQAu
— Austin Highsmith Garces (@AustinHighsmith) September 6, 2023

September 7

*crab-walked pic.twitter.com/bnW9ywVeyb
— Merriam-Webster (@MerriamWebster) September 7, 2023

Got them doing mario party minigames https://t.co/SaqATIIKlb
— Afro Smash (@TheAfroSmash) September 7, 2023

Sen. John Fetterman to House Republicans considering impeaching Biden: "Go ahead, do it. I dare you."

"It would just be like a big circle jerk on the fringe right."

"Your man has, what, three or four indictments now? … Sometimes, you just gotta call their bullshit." @MSNBC
— Kyle Griffin (@kylegriffin1) September 7, 2023

sex skits on albums should be punishable by law https://t.co/qwSQMVdV5h
— CDTVthaGoose (@CDTVProductions) September 7, 2023

I think the big PR miscalculation the Jonas brother made is that everyone's frame of reference for Sophie Turner is a beloved character who is held hostage by various horrible men.
— Cethan Leahy (@CethanLeahy) September 7, 2023

Danny Masterson sentenced to 30 years to life for raping 2 women….Conan knew pic.twitter.com/KEE596oqdl
— Wu Tang is for the Children (@WUTangKids) September 7, 2023

I like the one Martin Short called Jimmy Fallon phony to his face. pic.twitter.com/v5qp2it8Xd
— M.A. Bergman (@John_LeTour) September 7, 2023

I'm nervous that Jimmy created a toxic work environment for the Stones. pic.twitter.com/H89WUZprmR
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) September 7, 2023

fascinated that anyone in their 20s could have a home decor style beyond "this was free on marketplace", "this was my grandma's" or "I live near an outlet mall and checked daily for a year until a couch was marked under $500"
— emily (@emilykmay) September 7, 2023

BoC governor Tiff Macklem, speaking at Calgary Chamber, asked about impact of carbon tax on inflation. Annually, its impact on prices works out to about 0.15%, Macklem says
— Jason Markusoff (@markusoff) September 7, 2023

Meet Jeremy bot at https://t.co/VsL6Aj7jN3 pic.twitter.com/LeG8V13aYa
— Conner O'Malley (@conner_omalley) September 7, 2023

Montpelier, Vermont, is the funniest possible town this person could've accidentally chosen here https://t.co/ucW38vqMF6
— Laura Bassett (@LEBassett) September 7, 2023

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: September 8, 2023

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