The most secret sauce, a rollercoaster cellphone toss, Lizzo says bye like a boss, Anna Kendrick on why ghosting isn't your loss, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

August 31

You can tell conservatives are on the right side of history because their greatest rival is teens who want to live https://t.co/KgKNOHieIh
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) September 1, 2019

Still no word. pic.twitter.com/POvQhlkGMO
— Stephen Larrick (@SLarrick) September 1, 2019

What kinda barbershop is this...? pic.twitter.com/FTvZoQFi58
— Guy (@apiecebyguy) August 31, 2019

[Trump puts kids in concentration camps]

BRET STEPHENS: using the term "concentration camps" is a wild overreaction

[Bret Stephens gets mildly owned on twitter]

BRET STEPHENS: i have been holocausted
— Jake Maccoby (@jdmaccoby) August 31, 2019

the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
— millennial falcon (@phoebe_bridgers) August 31, 2019

2016: Brexit will improve your lives
2019: We think you'll have food https://t.co/GFEImRmdia
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) August 31, 2019

pic.twitter.com/0dk9BtX9ST
— Ben Mekler (@benmekler) August 31, 2019

masturbating is crazy you just poke or tug at your genitalia and a sauce comes out
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) August 31, 2019

September 1

white supremacist tryna form a straight pride parade accidentally lets truth slip at city council meeting pic.twitter.com/c8fWtOwORT
— bhad phag (@hebaddie) September 1, 2019

holy shit pic.twitter.com/GRuMqtKnrq
— ✨ rachel ✨ (@ohhoe) September 2, 2019

mom, can you pick me up? i'm at a party and there's someone funnier than me
— Lumberzack (@1Lumberzack) September 1, 2019

there should be an olympics where athletes can take as many drugs as they want. Like fuck it, let's see how high humans can really jump
— Dave (@DaveApnea) September 1, 2019

me: omg it's september
my calendar: https://t.co/vkKUCCqtLH
— jaboukie? (@jaboukie) September 1, 2019

I'm Jerry Seinfeld and this is comedians in cars picking their girlfriends up from high school
— Brendan Sagalow (@BrendanSagalow) September 1, 2019

President Donald Trump on the existence of Category 5 hurricanes, 2017-2019. pic.twitter.com/IRRny20hfp
— Daniel Dale (@ddale8) September 1, 2019

How is this website free pic.twitter.com/r8kfqjwk3p
— Detective Pikajew (@clapifyoulikeme) September 1, 2019

waiter: would you like a soup or salad?

clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i'll just have a regular salad please

waiter: alri-

clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
— online moose 🦌 (@tiemoose) September 1, 2019

September 2

i want michael shannon to voice his political opinions on everything from now on pic.twitter.com/XPsJIUkxfE
— 🕯 (@THEVOlDZ) September 2, 2019

in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
— karl hess (@karlhess) September 2, 2019

Our poor fucking Earth. pic.twitter.com/jTCz8yOpGl
— mama megan (@megantrautman) September 3, 2019

How To Talk to a Woman Wearing Headphones

- go home
- learn how to make music
- become the #1 artist on spotify
- say hi to her in the song
- get married
— Eddy Burback (@eddyburback) September 3, 2019

"Rotato the potato" has singlehandedly rescued my morning https://t.co/hFgni99wTc
— The Mountain Goats (@mountain_goats) September 2, 2019

I told you guys it would be weird if they screamed. pic.twitter.com/1qPTHpuLzy
— Tyler Mead (@Meadbymead) September 2, 2019

September 3

looking forward to their next innovation, "scheduled program breaks that inform viewers of a wide variety of goods and services they might like to purchase." https://t.co/TxGtEsSxWd
— Zack Handlen (@zhandlen) September 3, 2019

I cannot imagine what it is like to be inside the mind of a person who feels totally normal and okay getting onto public transportation and playing music straight out of their phone.
— KJ (@KendraJames_) September 4, 2019

Has anyone confirmed that Britain is real pic.twitter.com/qvLFBtEfw5
— Michelle Ghoussoub (@MichelleGhsoub) September 3, 2019

Let's get it started. It's Burning Man Missed Connections time!!! https://t.co/pRgRRuvnGE pic.twitter.com/OURyzqwm2e
— Emily Heller (@MrEmilyHeller) September 3, 2019

I've found my favorite video on the internet pic.twitter.com/MdQ2UwuaaQ
— Jason Ⓥ (@veg_daddy) September 3, 2019

the book I ordered from Ikea arrived! pic.twitter.com/dDjUfaHozn
— Ditz McGee 🇨🇦 (@DitzMcGeee) September 3, 2019

Ghosting: because I'd rather look like an asshole than let you slowly find out that I suck.
— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) September 3, 2019

September 4

every day men leave their homes with no bag, no water bottle, no lip balm, no hand sanitizer, no extra layer in case they get cold, just keys and a wallet shoved into their pocket. chaotic and reckless
— dre (@gothshakira) September 4, 2019

How did Baby Boomers get college for the price of a McChicken and still end up the dumbest fucking people on the planet
— dirk diggler (@TakeForGrantd) September 4, 2019

Dwight Howard looks like Bobby Digital now pic.twitter.com/rgzKHxZLxT
— Joey Devine (@JoeyDevine) September 5, 2019

Scarlett Johansson you can't be playing non-white roles AND be dating Colin Jost AND defend Woody Allen you gotta pick one
— Julia Claire (@ohJuliatweets) September 4, 2019

Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well pic.twitter.com/n67LUOaTBy
— Sir Michael (@Michael1979) September 4, 2019

September 5

imagine having this tattoo and it being the third thing people ask about https://t.co/2HJRYF9MyI
— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) September 5, 2019

"You merely adopted the dark. I was born in it, molded by it." pic.twitter.com/APRyJFGKjS
— ellie sunakawa (@elliesunakawa) September 5, 2019

me logging out of Twitter to play The Sims https://t.co/CRT0hmJvlv
— Frank Costa (@feistyfrank) September 5, 2019

So Trump is a meteorologist now? Sorry, but just sleeping with someone named "Stormy" doesn't make you a weather expert. https://t.co/5677ZGw6FC
— Joy Behar (@JoyVBehar) September 5, 2019

When I was a kid, my parents told me not to hitchhike because the driver would kill me. When I started driving, my parents told me not to pick up hitchhikers because they'd kill me. Disappointing to realize my parents didn't think I was capable of killing ANYONE
— Mike Scully (@scullymike) September 6, 2019

The Bat Signal is so dumb and I love it

There's never NOT crime in Gotham City and also it has to be cloudy and night time and also Batman lives underground and also he has the world's best computer and it's all the hell the way on the roof and cops all have phones and radios
— Kibblesmith ☃️ (@kibblesmith) September 5, 2019

He just caught a strangers cell phone on a roller coaster 😳📱 pic.twitter.com/vpBKMEh64G
— Buitengebieden (@buitengebieden_) September 5, 2019

September 6

Kinda feels like it might be the one they were afraid to completely spell out. pic.twitter.com/B7zMdcxPuX
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) September 6, 2019

*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*

mama: stop that!

monkeys: why hahaha

mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
— jo diggity (@WhaJoTalkinBout) September 6, 2019

bill simmons review of my film that took 3 years "i wish it was 1 hour shorter" yeah same with your podcast
— ELC (@erinleecarr) September 6, 2019

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: September 6, 2019

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