Creating a playlist, so mad I don't own this, one ply ass lids, if Daiquiri Dan exists, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

September 23

The way white people think Land Back means they all get ethnically cleansed from the land is a fascinating case of projection.
— Apocaloptimist (@Apocaloptimist5) September 23, 2022

So mad I don't own this pic.twitter.com/WXXeXhoaBb
— Emily Murnane (@emily_murnane) September 24, 2022

stop getting mad about getting older. you think gouda gets mad when it gets older?? no. it's just gets more expensive at trader joe's. be like gouda!! know your worth!!!!!
— emma lord (@dilemmalord) September 24, 2022

Hunter Biden's life is genuinely tragic - the man lost his mother and his brother and is clearly quite fucked up - but every time the right tries to make a story of it it's like "Hunter Biden RIDES A TIGER while THREE BEAUTIFUL NAKED WOMEN cheer him on" https://t.co/vGY7KOn7f0
— James Palmer (@BeijingPalmer) September 24, 2022

just because she spent millions of dollars covering up sex crimes it doesn't make her a catholic https://t.co/vBiFQFRVxQ
— Nick Schadegg (@nickschadegg) September 23, 2022

My chemical romance https://t.co/gkj4y3DzCG
— M1LDL1FE (@m1ldl1fe) September 24, 2022

"Due to the Covid-19 pandemic we have moved to hybrid work"

Is that where we tell Covid not to come to the office on Tuesdays & Thursdays?
— chantzy (@chantz_y) September 24, 2022

Seatbelts will only be required while proceeding thru intersections that have had a high rate of accidents.
— Charles Haas (@ProfCharlesHaas) September 24, 2022

steven i thought you were dead pic.twitter.com/IKpXGIzTyo
— oatmeal influencer (@acechhh) September 24, 2022

the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old pic.twitter.com/KQsur1vZKt
— Boots, 'with the fur' (@afraidofwasps) September 24, 2022

they just wanted to be a paw patrol pic.twitter.com/C2sCxkDsVn
— Danya (@dxxnya) September 24, 2022

Because in 1999 people thought the world was going to end https://t.co/hryECSGcku
— Nat Queen Coal 👑 🪨 (@NatashaOladokun) September 24, 2022

I think we're entering the era where both the boomers and the interns don't know what a zip file is.
— cat (@asesinada) September 24, 2022

My wife made a point the other day that all of these devices with assistants (Alexa, Siri, etc.) all come as women by default so we're training a whole new generation to see women as "staff" and I can't stop thinking about that.
— Wm. Brett Hill wrote a book (@magisternihil) September 24, 2022

Anybody else? 🤷‍♀️ pic.twitter.com/38JpFLBxD9
— I Might Be Funny (@imightbefunny1) September 24, 2022

Not Adam Devine posting this 😭😭😭 pic.twitter.com/38QQthX7qX
— Floor (@lunafloor_) September 24, 2022

Wish I had the confidence of a bay leaf, just strolling into every recipe doing absolutely fuck all
— David Callan (@davidxcallan) September 24, 2022

strongly relate to the honey cake's needs pic.twitter.com/JkxnlDohvC
— keely flaherty (@keelyflaherty) September 24, 2022

pic.twitter.com/cKX1oRwiY7
— zach silberberg (@zachsilberberg) September 25, 2022

I've watched a lot of live hits today, but this might be the best demonstration of the Magdalen Islands winds so far 😂 Posted by Sven Meier, reposted with his permission. pic.twitter.com/8qT2MiPjXA
— Kate McKenna (@katemckenna8) September 24, 2022

What do you mean "match donations"? YOU ARE THE LITERAL GOVERNMENT https://t.co/RbO2GzWvk2
— Shelby (@Lefty_Mind) September 24, 2022

September 25

we not finna have no electricians, doctors or nothing just $200 hoodies and podcasts about nothing
— jordan ♡ (@lifewithjordaan) September 25, 2022

LMFAOOOOOOO pic.twitter.com/JpWNmUSONg
— sofía (@nanastudioz) September 26, 2022

having a child so expensive Rihanna gone back to work 😩
— Chester (@chestermpierre) September 25, 2022

Superman Is Doing what pic.twitter.com/HvgicJpjEg
— Buy Physical Media (@TheDiscFather) September 25, 2022

pic.twitter.com/LL987KWvTS
— internet hall of fame (@InternetH0F) September 25, 2022

Cuba: a family is a group of people that love and take care of each other ♥

Italy: Mussolini 2 electric boogaloo
— Comrade Duck 🦆☭ (@DengistDuck) September 26, 2022

Wait.
So... the evangelicals get taken off the planet during the rapture leaving the rest of us here?
To live our lives?
Without them?
And this is somehow... BAD?
— Steve Marmel (@Marmel) September 26, 2022

referring to all men i've loosely dated as "a friend of the show"
— s*d (@06fordexplorer) September 25, 2022

I'm so desensitized to fucked up shit that a pumpkin with a scary face carved in it is just normal to me
— cam (@harleybaghdad) September 26, 2022

This is a very funny thing to say about Freddy Krueger specifically pic.twitter.com/kTGlLrWqzd
— Mr Chats (@LateNightNelly) September 26, 2022

Overnight Oats sounds like the name of a racehorse who sucks
— Caitlin (@caithuls) September 25, 2022

 
September 26

love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say "no, not only am i not going to improve, i'm not going to even print" and that's the type of product integrity i can get behind
— unintentionelle (@ellewasamistake) September 26, 2022

Happy 7 year anniversary to my mom testing pens like a serial murderer. pic.twitter.com/PngCUqTfqp
— At Angry Skycrane (@AngrySkycrane) September 26, 2022

several years ago I read that potatoes and butter have all the nutrients a person needs to stay alive and I have refused to inspect that information since. it is my emotional support fact.
— ditch pony (@molly7anne) September 26, 2022

Worried about the political situation in Italy? These garlicky sheet-pan gnocchi will have you living la dolce vita again.
— New York Times Pitchbot (@DougJBalloon) September 26, 2022

President Putin, please draft Steven Seagal. It won't solve any problems but it will be very funny.
— Joe Kassabian (@jkass99) September 26, 2022

THIS ONE IS FOR THE DINOSAURS
— DART the Asteroid Slayer (@DARTprobe) September 26, 2022

termite twitter scares me pic.twitter.com/4M5wXcIXti
— cory (@coolmathgame_) September 26, 2022

men will learn the entire adobe creative suite before going to therapy for their trauma. my brother you're worried about the wrong after effects
— Moh (@LessIsMoh) September 26, 2022

The fact that I've clicked this link before at some point pic.twitter.com/pRzwcvhujx
— connor Wood (@fibulaa) September 26, 2022

I did pilates for the first time today and it felt like if yoga was mean
— Matt O'Brien (@matt_obrien) September 27, 2022

I hope my friends don't find out I own a jacket.

-Middle Schoolers
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 26, 2022

Liberals drop COVID restrictions now that 'keeping people alive' no longer polls well
— The Beaverton (@TheBeaverton) September 26, 2022

It is objectively hilarious to start a moral panic about Nine Inch Nails lyrics in 2022 while Trent Reznor is winning Oscars for Pixar movies about jazz.
— zeddy (@Zeddary) September 27, 2022

 
September 27

serial killers saw these glasses and were like "yoooooo" pic.twitter.com/Q83P5pSiA9
— IG: closedapp (@ih8rts) September 27, 2022

Skip college. Quit your 9-5. Stop drinking. Wake up early. Go on long walks. Lift weights. Eat protein. $10k all day. It's dead-simple. 99% of people won't do this. Be a 1% hero. Unlock life. Cold showers. Invincibility. Power. Masculinity. Testosterone. Winning.
— Erica Schneider (@ericasmyname) September 27, 2022

"i was a gifted child" oh you learnt how to do your 3 times tables early and read harry potter by yourself? sorry i didn't realise who i was talking to
— unintentionelle (@ellewasamistake) September 27, 2022

I've been lucky enough to be bumped up to first class a couple times recently and my main take away is that it's not extremely luxurious, it's just how a normal person should be treated. That's it. For $3,000 they'll give you a human sized chair and not be actively mean to you.
— Alex Falcone (@alex_falcone) September 27, 2022

obsessed with this italian store pic.twitter.com/VbhkVAQ9vQ
— riri🐀🍕 (@raunchonpizza) September 27, 2022

first you ask me to "imagine dragons" and now you want me to "try guys"????
— jodie (@jodieegrace) September 27, 2022

No idea what a Try Guy is, but the kids today would absolutely melt down if they lived through Fleetwood Mac.
— Mary Jones (@tlachtga) September 27, 2022

every 2-3 months there's some scandal about a guy named like Daiquiri Dan who i've never heard of and i look him up and it's like "Daiquiri Dan is an American YouTube personality. He is worth $46.3m, $15m of which came from becoming the spokesman for the food 'almonds' in 2018"
— Gregory Midnight-Possum 🐀 (@cat_beltane) September 27, 2022

"slut era," the whale whispers to itself, launching its entire body out of the water for passing boaters to admire
— whalefact (@awhalefact) September 27, 2022

The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.

She's on patrol, serving in the National Guard.

Patrol.
— Caila C (@Cai_Lyfe) September 27, 2022

great for baseball fans or Phil's ex wives pic.twitter.com/IpCF8QRcAv
— garry trys his best (@garrykerls) September 27, 2022

me to the waiter: excuse me, my onion rings?

waiter: ?? answer it then?
— yung puddin (@liltiddygothgf3) September 27, 2022

me creating a playlist pic.twitter.com/b36R4OYZKm
— empty rico (@dumbricardo) September 28, 2022

September 28

A random unattended 7yo at the park told me and my son that gay people are the devil and are going to hell. My son scoffed, but the boy said it was true because God said so. I told him parents made up God to make their kids do what they want. His eyes got so big.
— Robbie 🌮🦝🥾 (@Robbiepierce) September 29, 2022

why do they look like they're about to start a podcast pic.twitter.com/wSXdEAwZji
— Hurt CoPain (@SaeedDiCaprio) September 28, 2022

never leaving twitter pic.twitter.com/OPr3pat2pM
— I.G.Y. azalea (@HaitianDvorce) September 29, 2022

I can't believe in 2022 we're still sending reporters out in Hurricanes like this pic.twitter.com/MsDtLw1bec
— Read Class Struggle Unionism by Joe Burns (@JoshuaPotash) September 28, 2022

yeah i have stock options. chicken, beef, vegetable
— patrick mcmahon (@patricksmcmahon) September 28, 2022

tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that's what every corporate meeting I've ever been in has felt like
— hire salem (@aWildSalem) September 28, 2022

Employers be like I know you called in sick and feel like you're dead but your laptop isn't so please log in from home k thanks byeee
— Mike (@Parentpains) September 28, 2022

Thinking of a new email signature other than "best".

You'll never take me alive,
Nate
— Nathan Jensen (@NateMJensen) September 28, 2022

If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home. pic.twitter.com/qhVPoqG37s
— Axel Folio, PhD, a half Black/ half brown hobbit (@ISASaxonists) September 29, 2022

honestly, teaching is 99% just showing up with full mastery of the material and being ready to convey it charismatically through interactive pedagogical formats in a way they accommodates the learning needs of a diverse student body
— Diabetic of Enlightenment (@dee_bee_h) September 28, 2022

i guess we can add "a historical flute" to the list of things no white dudes cared about a week ago that suddenly became sacrosanct national treasures as soon as a Black woman touched them

i'll stick it in the file next to "mermaids"
— Claire Willett (@clairewillett) September 29, 2022

September 29

me applying to harvard with a 1.3 gpa https://t.co/BbknGXM6ZU
— thanos. (@THANOSNOVA) September 29, 2022

pic.twitter.com/BgSdAqZM17
— rare insults (@insultsrare) September 29, 2022

my glass coffin company "remains to be seen" is not doing as well as i thought it would.
— kim (@KimmyMonte) September 29, 2022

Imagine being the priest at Coolios funeral when you do the "as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death" bit and everyone wondering which version you're gonna do
— dan (@BierIncognito) September 29, 2022

"actually we've met before" okay well I don't remember you. Have you considered being less forgettable and insignificant
— Luke Mones (@LukeMones) September 29, 2022

Top 5 Worst Sports Songs:

5. Ringette of Fire
4. Back in the Jai-Alai Again
3. I Fought the Lawn Darts (and the Lawn Darts Won)
2. TIE: Marry Me, Archery/Footlooseball
1. Eleanor Rugby
— Dave Merritt (@GoldenSeals) September 29, 2022

Isn't it weird that eyelids aren't thicker? Like, why the fuck am I seeing all this light if my eyes are closed? These one-ply ass lids
— Really That Girl When You Get to Know Me (@MsMomoManko) September 29, 2022

if you drive your car off a cliff it serves briefly as a plane https://t.co/59OXGmIQGJ
— blaine capatch (@blainecapatch) September 29, 2022

Fellas, I don't want to create a stampede, but Marjorie Taylor Greene is now available.
— George Takei (@GeorgeTakei) September 29, 2022

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: September 30, 2022

Latest Coverage