Taking some notes, John Hinckley wants votes, urine and the Mountain Goats, Adam Levine's sexy quotes, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

September 16

Similar to the children in Lemony Snicket's 1999 novel, I have also been experiencing a series of unfortunate events
— Cait🦩 (@CaitCamelia) September 17, 2022

'Mickey' is a nickname, and nicknames are for friends, and Michael Mouse is no friend of mine.
— Kevin "Innocent of All Wrongdoing " Magnet (@KevMagnet) September 17, 2022

I can explain pic.twitter.com/Qdp6Z1Hkfq
— cats being weird little guys (@weirdlilguys) September 17, 2022

Miami Vice was first broadcast OTD in 1984.
To celebrate I've managed to fit 60 Miami Vice guest stars into 2 minutes. Enjoy pic.twitter.com/OEAmeAgDCO
— The Sting (@TSting18) September 16, 2022

Lorney, Lorney, Lorney can't you see. Sometimes your SNL choices mystify me haha
— Steven Risk (@StevenRiskComic) September 16, 2022

OK but good luck getting him out of there pic.twitter.com/8NWsAtNqzB
— Matt Nedostup (@nedostup) September 16, 2022

Love Patagonia clothing. Never know what you're gonna find under the label! pic.twitter.com/eBuxc59ous
— Mr. Q of Maine 🇺🇸🇫🇷🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿🏳️‍🌈🇺🇦 (@cmublock61) September 16, 2022

The best thing you can do while dying is start moaning a random name. Keep your loved ones guessing for years.
— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) September 16, 2022

What if at the end they reveal the coffin is actually a cake
— Sophie Hall (@SophLouiseHall) September 16, 2022

September 17

my favourite Twitter moment so far is when that elephant killed that old woman and everyone just sided with elephant w no hesitation or even knowing the back story
— indie (@INDIEWASHERE) September 17, 2022

I still can't get over the Toronto Zoo requiring masks in the Africa pavilion to protect the gorillas from Covid-19 but we are cool with sending kids to school with no Covid protections.
— Kari Raymer Bishop (@KRaymerBishop) September 17, 2022

everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
— cladee ⛷ (@hanfjob) September 17, 2022

Legally required to tweet this every time it shows up on the TL because it might be my favorite video on the internet pic.twitter.com/we2TkRqfKL
— Brodes (@_Brodes) September 17, 2022

Not employed or unemployed but a third worse thing (freelance)
— ellory smith (@ellorysmith) September 17, 2022

Real pic.twitter.com/K551E9OSZT
— Ahmad 🇵🇸 (@user_is_broken) September 17, 2022

Imagine walking through a museum and finding a 100 year old painting of Yourself, from another life.. pic.twitter.com/Ho4K3JrZzl
— jonathan slater☮️ (@jonslater37) September 18, 2022

"Do we know the parking situation?"
- me, beginning to try to get out of going
— David Gross (@davidgrossTV) September 18, 2022

Some men can't find the cathedral pic.twitter.com/sluZr7bMzs
— Vi La Bianca (@AuthorConfusion) September 17, 2022

my cat: i'm gonna freak out if i don't get food right now

me: ok here's ur food

my cat: lol. you fool. you fucking fool. i wasn't even hungry this whole time
— jame (@kloogans) September 17, 2022

termites are like: don't talk to me before i've had my coffee table
— Jack Corbett (@jackcorrbit) September 17, 2022

It'll be a difficult wank admittedly.... pic.twitter.com/EU9xeOu8Pd
— Rob C (@iarentspartacus) September 17, 2022

 
September 18

me peeing in a public bathroom stall with a broken lock https://t.co/JRVxK7DRSp
— 7 fig nig (@troiwarren) September 19, 2022

its pretty funny how will Smith is going to serve a 10 year Oscar ban while Warner Bros is printing settlement money for Ezra Miller being a public menace because they are very insistent on releasing their superhero movie that will score a 38% on Rotten Tomatoes
— Younger Cousin Escort Mission (@AnimeSerbia) September 18, 2022

In other news, Woody Allen announces retirement from filmmaking. Cites wanting more time at home with wife/kid. https://t.co/sF6UPIv2Zx pic.twitter.com/LDxMxCpAEk
— Blake ™ (@NeilNevins) September 18, 2022

The beds on these two trucks are roughly the same size. pic.twitter.com/8ZlzIDLZKN
— David Ho (@_david_ho_) September 19, 2022

how is that like earth at all then https://t.co/q41oU7oJIu
— MattWillPost (@MattPostSaysHi) September 19, 2022

I'm a REAL MAN:
I'm SCARED OF CITIES
I'm MAD at the LITTLE MERMAID
— Ross W Berman IV (@RossWBermanIV) September 18, 2022

I can't stop watching this video 😂😂😂pic.twitter.com/m0Q1dMDreI
— Baseball King (@BasebaIlKing) September 18, 2022

Teachers.
You cannot pay them enough.👏🏻pic.twitter.com/4WquoDGtK0
— Michael Warburton (@MichaelWarbur17) September 18, 2022

I'm hearing 70+ year old are waiting in a queue for 14+ hours to see the queen??? I am never giving up my seat on the bus ever again
— 🧊 (@Chinnwee) September 18, 2022

 
September 19

i've been taking some notes pic.twitter.com/AHRF8OO8zf
— thomas 🍌 (@perfectsweeties) September 19, 2022

For a minute I thought I was about to watch the wildest cooking show of all-time. pic.twitter.com/OXNV8IuqXS
— No Context Brits (@NoContextBrits) September 19, 2022

You're gonna want the sound on for this commentary pic.twitter.com/WK3JeVyYlE
— Sport Fails TV (@SportFailTV) September 19, 2022

i hated almost every word of this sentence https://t.co/RgSAwT1pwP
— bada bing / bada boom (@jazz_inmypants) September 19, 2022

why did i do this pic.twitter.com/FBwLRHcgJY
— isak🫒 (@303afx) September 20, 2022

Coming out of my cage & I've been doing just finepic.twitter.com/u67dlyZpdA
— Roxi Horror 💀🌸 (@roxiqt) September 20, 2022

What's your standard response when you're using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) September 19, 2022

It's a sad day for Canada.

Not for any reason in particular, it's just a bit of an embarrassing country
— CBC Pitchbot (Satire) (@CBCPitchbot) September 19, 2022

trans people: im trans
society: okay
transphobic hector salamanca: 🛎🛎🛎🛎🛎🛎🛎🛎🛎🛎🛎🛎🛎🛎🛎🛎🛎🛎🛎
— y²kaleb 😺 (@kaleblmk) September 19, 2022

my ultimate artistic inspiration is reading about Clive Barker telling the studio for Hellraiser he "absolutely knew how to make a movie" then ran to the library to get "every book on film" in the library but they only had 2 and 1 was checked out so he read 1 book.
— 🦋The Other Happy Place🦋 (@otherhappyplace) September 20, 2022

Actor bios in the 60s and 70s: He was an amateur boxer and truck driver before joining the merchant marines and was discovered by a producer in Cuba where he was in jail for assault.
Actor bios today: His dad was an investment banker and his mom was a model. He attended Yale.
— Peter Atencio (@Atencio) September 19, 2022

since mercury is in retrograde I have to bring back this text from my mom pic.twitter.com/2pCxXfTs5n
— Hurt CoPain (@SaeedDiCaprio) September 19, 2022

i didn't even know Avril Lavigne had a wife why she she cheat on her
— lea cs (@bigfatmoosepssy) September 20, 2022

September 20

Don't forget to leave cookies out for Earth, Wind, & Fire tonight
— Eka Bakie (@EkaBakie) September 21, 2022

I have shocking footage of Trudeau humming Fat Bottomed Girls as they lowered the casket.
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) September 20, 2022

When people call you a "snowflake" just remember they're quoting Fight Club. A satire written by a gay man about how male fragility causes men to destroy themselves, resent society, and become radicalized…
— Ryan Logan (@0ldman_logan) September 21, 2022

Unemployed guy at 2 pm: Man the group chat's been silent
— Now He Sings (@nowhesobs) September 20, 2022

Drunk job searching is so much fun...I just applied to NASA
— Trey (@treydayway) September 21, 2022

Fuck small talk I want to talk about the name of your first pet. What street you grew up on. Your mothers maiden name
— Christin (@hexprax) September 21, 2022

A lot of people don't know this but the main difference between a crocodile and an alligator is the spelling.
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) September 21, 2022

{first guy to throw up} HOLY SHIT. WHAT THE FUCK.
— big boy online (@idonotbleed) September 20, 2022

Came out to my grandma by mentioning my partner and she didn't react so I said it again and she just followed up with "but do they speak Chinese"

Anyway happy bi awareness week the two genders are "does speak Chinese" and "does not speak Chinese"
— Yichao (@michaelyichao) September 21, 2022

HERE IT IS!!! THE FIRST BILLY ON THE STREET IN 3 YEARS!!! BROS ON THE STREET WITH PAUL RUDD!!!! ONLY IN THEATERS SEPT 30!!! #brosmovie @brosthemovie pic.twitter.com/BYqd61Iilg
— billy eichner (@billyeichner) September 20, 2022

Oh come on man 🤣 pic.twitter.com/lp9MOT54vs
— Wu-Tang Is For The Children (@WUTangKids) September 20, 2022

What do you think the other Maroon 4 are saying
— Hanna Dickinson (@hansdickie) September 21, 2022

Funniest joke I've heard about Adam Levine is still that he looks like he went to a tattoo artist and just went "give me tattoos"
— Zack Budryk (@BudrykZack) September 21, 2022

 
September 21

Icarus when he flew too close to the sun pic.twitter.com/BpfJxyVLH6
— ɢʀᴇɢɢʏ (@itmegreggy) September 21, 2022

tbh adam Levine messages are sexy to me. I love love love when a man has like humna humna humna boinggGgG awooga energy
— Grace (@gracecamille_) September 21, 2022

Goldilocks trying the first bowl of porridge pic.twitter.com/I3jzC65tM9
— curt sarj (@1664timemachine) September 21, 2022

making fun of the Adam Levine texts and instantly seeing all mine that are like "absolutely spectacular pussy. terrific to see!" get leaked
— reticent baller (@ByYourLogic) September 21, 2022

trying to imagine if someone's sexts were leaked & everyone was like, damn. this person is really good at sexting, cool sexts. is that even possible
— Shaun (@shaun_vids) September 21, 2022

NEWS ALERT: deadline for all jokes involving Adam Levine is today at 6pm Pacific Standard Time
— Megh Wright (@megh_wright) September 21, 2022

seeing a boyfriend's handwriting for the first time can be one of the most jarring experiences of a girl's life
— layla (@laylology) September 21, 2022

fox news: "how dare they go after his children!"
also fox news: "... and now back to hunter biden"
— ya girl (@goldengateblond) September 22, 2022

my son wrote this joke today:

Just found out I'm colourblind. That came out of the purple!
— Kreative Kontrol (@VishKreative) September 21, 2022

Still one of the funniest things I've ever seen pic.twitter.com/8pqgBVGgwq
— Brooks Otterlake (@i_zzzzzz) September 22, 2022

japan's greatest tragedy is having the world's best toilets and no mexican food

what's the point of owning a ferrari if you never take it to the track
— Dōgen (@Dogen) September 21, 2022

The year is 2022. Hotels are cheaper and better than AirBnBs. Taxis are cheaper and better than Ubers. All the new movies on streaming look like shit but the most mediocre flick from the 90s looks great on your 4K TV because it was ✨shot on film✨.
— Zach Heltzel (@zachheltzel) September 22, 2022

No, no. Fantasy is when you really want to fuck an elf, and sci-fi is when you really want to fuck a robot. Hope this helps.
— Jessica Ritchey (@Ruby_Stevens) September 21, 2022

typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
— Ygrene™ (@Ygrene) September 22, 2022

When indie bands go bad pic.twitter.com/1mnnO028bh
— No Kings No Masters Only Wooloo (@MockWooloo) September 21, 2022

Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said 'The Loan Shark' so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
— 🍁Yukon Gold (@GrahamKritzer) September 21, 2022

a 10pm bedtime can mean anything. am I incredibly healthy? clinically depressed? you just don't know. and neither do I
— Sarah Lazarus (@sarahclazarus) September 22, 2022

September 22

This email from a student, when I taught remote, lives rent free in my head 😂 pic.twitter.com/BYd7I7cKcB
— André K Isaacs (@drdre4000) September 22, 2022

Best novel about whaling?
— Sunk Cost Pharisee MD PhD (@Liamjsm) September 22, 2022

For sale: baby sword, never used. (Baby is a coward.)
— Bill Corbett (@BillCorbett) September 22, 2022

My daughter said she has a crush on a boy in her kindergarten class and I asked her what she likes about him. She said "He gives me snacks." This is the correct way to choose a mate.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) September 22, 2022

Buying a "Let's F**k Brandon" shirt at a Trump rally pic.twitter.com/WjvrtI7MSp
— Davram (@davramdavram) September 22, 2022

Have you seen this? It's out there. pic.twitter.com/RAufNM31Ii
— John Hinckley (@JohnHinckley20) September 22, 2022

Damn guuuurl, is your ass declassified? 'Cause I was just thinkin' about it.
— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) September 22, 2022

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: September 23, 2022

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