September 15
raisins ruin everything good
— jef (@gothJudyHopps) September 15, 2018
-cereal
-cookies
- grapes
-trail mix
-my marriage
-a raisin fucked my wife
Flat earthers are gonna have a field day with this https://t.co/ejqo6m6aZr
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) September 15, 2018
Technically, the trash compactor is a "garbage masher", first seen on the detention level of the Death Star (or DS-1 Orbital Battle Station) in STAR WARS EPISODE IV: A NEW HOPE. Commanded by Governor Tarkin, it is... (1/3714) https://t.co/Pi4Hh7A0Rs
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) September 15, 2018
September 16
The Shining. https://t.co/7lL8YiR9p7
— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) September 16, 2018
Greatest sentence: "A New York University study last year found that people who loved Eminem's Lose Yourself and Justin Bieber's What Do You Mean? were more likely to score highly on the psychopathy scale than people who were into Dire Straits." https://t.co/NfUYVpruWn
— Eugene Mirman (@EugeneMirman) September 16, 2018
can we amend "boys will be boys" to "predators will be predators" so we're not ascribing violent behavior as "normal" to an entire gender expression/identity
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) September 16, 2018
Me: what's the wifi password
— Mike T (@majtague) September 16, 2018
My mom: https://t.co/vXxQ9cGc5t
I don't want anyone to take this the wrong way but baby feet look edible to me.
— Joe List (@JoeListComedy) September 16, 2018
September 17
Moving back in with your parents isn't always a bad thing, like if you're dating your parents and things are getting serious.
— Dave Shumka (@daveshumka) September 17, 2018
"After carefully considering the whole situation..." https://t.co/T53AoqrMtR
— Michael McKean (@MJMcKean) September 17, 2018
You know who was really excited to take pictures of this purse? @gettyimages.
— Emily Heller (@MrEmilyHeller) September 17, 2018
You know who wasn't? Every other photographer there. #emmys pic.twitter.com/rmKfgTzKbX
Call me crazy, but I think having 17 year-olds worry that any sexual assault they commit now might follow them around for the rest of their lives would be a GREAT thing
— Ben Wexler (@mrbenwexler) September 17, 2018
They call me the Elton John of comedy because it's a little bit funny but then again no
— James Fritz (@fritzisdead) September 17, 2018
The closest you can get to knowing what it's like to be a ghost is listening to a podcast where the hosts are trying to remember a piece of trivia that you know
— Hoff Matthews (@HoffMatthews) September 17, 2018
September 18
me: dog poop backwards is poop god
— andrew (@AndrewChamings) September 18, 2018
co-pilot: the intercom is on
Kool-aid brand manager in 1978: good news everybody https://t.co/P8i6ty2HUt
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) September 18, 2018
GOP parent: How do I explain Bert and Ernie being gay to my kids?
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) September 18, 2018
Normal parent: How do I explain the president who raped his first wife, endorsed a child molester, said he'd date his daughter if he weren't her dad, and bragged about grabbing women by the pussy to my kids?
found himself murdered? pic.twitter.com/bf3Qt7KGgd
— deray (@deray) September 18, 2018
Thanks for clearing this up, Sesame Workshop pic.twitter.com/jrgGqSLo1O
— beloved comedy institution "the pixelated boat" (@pixelatedboat) September 18, 2018
September 19
A student emailed me, profusely apologizing for getting my name wrong at the top of their paper, and I was like, "Thanks, whatever, nbd." Then I got to their paper and saw their instructor was "Professor whats his nuts"
— John Hendel (@Hendyhendel) September 19, 2018
Ppl: Liberals are crazy for saying 'believe women'; we should investigate every claim.
— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) September 19, 2018
Woman: Ok, please have the FBI investigate my claim.
Ppl: Lol, no.
September 20
The women for Kavanaugh are mostly men. https://t.co/9i4aj3CUDv
— Adam Jentleson 🎈 (@AJentleson) September 20, 2018
I'll give you 2 comps to mine if you promise not to bring her. https://t.co/rulLKanHbX
— Mark Forward (@MarkForwardd) September 20, 2018
September 21
https://t.co/3XW3o3WypQ pic.twitter.com/prQg8TIEgZ
— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) September 21, 2018
This is the funniest clip I've ever seen https://t.co/QPFfKahE4Y
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) September 21, 2018