This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: September 14, 2018

A tribute to toast, a "tremendously wet" hurricane hits the East coast, Conan O'Brien celebrates 25 years as the best host, Paul McCartney recalls sex with John Lennon, almost, and much more from this week in funny tweets.
 
September 8

Yo, if your band looks like this, your album is getting a 7.8 from pitchfork pic.twitter.com/B2GSpC1iCn

— big like mountain (@andrewanaya) September 8, 2018

LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO pic.twitter.com/373i8VTHPT

— 🍁Jay🍁 (@CanesinceDay1) September 8, 2018

I FOUND HIM pic.twitter.com/UqTqpE3L6C

— Dara Kaye (@DaraKaye) September 9, 2018

pic.twitter.com/UyuQcSDNNy

— Broderick Greer (@BroderickGreer) September 9, 2018

September 9

They should update the national anthem's lyrics to include a steamy romantic subplot about two average citizens.

— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) September 9, 2018

This is literally 98% of the episodes. 🤷‍♂️ pic.twitter.com/CBGgtdRTVo

— Yoni (@OriginalYoni) September 9, 2018

Think of how funny it would be if your mother was just jealous of the Beastie Boys.

— Dave Shumka (@daveshumka) September 9, 2018

September 10

Comedians on Twitter pre-2016:

I like my steak the way I like my Pokémon cards, rare!

Comedians on Twitter post-2016:

Today I was blocked by the undersecretary of the Department of Education for an essay I wrote on how fundamental rights of the electorate being impinged by ch

— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) September 10, 2018

I laughed at this way too hard. pic.twitter.com/Tejtz5EG83

— Miranda Summers Lowe (@Msummerslowe) September 10, 2018

I fucking love toast, what absolute genius took a bite of bread and was like "cook it again", unreal

— Josh (@LoserCrew) September 10, 2018

Takes a screencap so he can subtweet like Gaston pic.twitter.com/shwvKTxO4c

— Eric Proton (@EricProton) September 10, 2018

Criticizing Trump in a book is just unfair.

It's like criticizing the Amish on television.

— Melanie (@PoliteMelanie) September 10, 2018

ʜᴏʀʀɪʙʟᴇ ɢᴏᴏsᴇ
HORRIBLE GOOSE
𝐇𝐎𝐑𝐑𝐈𝐁𝐋𝐄 𝐆𝐎𝐎𝐒𝐄 pic.twitter.com/YTrpKtfBKe

— 📻 know scissor, know shock (@nailheadparty) September 10, 2018

September 11

YEEEEEEAAAAAH! 9/11! We're gonna mourn this tragedy TO THE MAX! pic.twitter.com/NCfBuoFVJv

— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) September 11, 2018

I can't. pic.twitter.com/LbeoEUTUFl

— Meredith Salenger (@MeredthSalenger) September 11, 2018

*dies on Norm Macdonald hill*

— Nick Flanagan (@theflans) September 12, 2018

I didn't realize "Come Together" was based on a true story. Folks https://t.co/u0HRTiMfic

— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) September 11, 2018

I seldom apologize in emails.

Alternatives:
- Thanks for flagging!
- Good catch - I will make the updates/changes.
- Many thanks for noticing the error, [name], we will [verb]
- Thank you for bringing this to our attention. We will [verb]

Stop over-apologizing at work.

— Maya (@themayannn) September 11, 2018

pic.twitter.com/0Djm1BBXxz

— m i t h (@ManInTheHoody) September 12, 2018

there's no greater feeling of abundance than going from scraping the bottom of an old peanut butter jar to cracking a new one and just slathering it everywhere with no regard for god's or man's law

— merritt k (@merrittk) September 12, 2018

September 12

I'm still amazed that 30 years into gangsta rap, the name Young Thug was still available.

— Travon Free (@Travon) September 12, 2018

I wonder how many more natural disasters of biblical proportions until we stop electing climate deniers

— Ken Klippenstein (@kenklippenstein) September 12, 2018

Wow I read the first few words of this and was like 'ha same' then as I kept reading I was like 'oh shit no not same not same' https://t.co/i7KdQfiUgZ

— Ste (@notstelfc) September 12, 2018

September 13

IT'S HERE!!! BILLY ON THE STREET with EMMA STONE!!!!!!!! BILLY'S BACK!!!!! #BillyontheStreet pic.twitter.com/O9aFemDaxe

— billy eichner (@billyeichner) September 13, 2018

WIFE: can you clear the dinner table?

ME: *fetching skateboard* I can try!

— clean slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) September 14, 2018

Congratulations to @ConanOBrien on 25 years of hosting late night! I'm not going to attempt a joke, because I will never be as funny as you are.

— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) September 14, 2018

Do you know how evil you have to be for a story to come out that you hate blind people and it's not even in the top five worst things about you today https://t.co/iSSBLStmAu

— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) September 14, 2018

already counting down the days until next years 9/11 anniversary when Art Garfunkel reminisces about the time he performed analingus on Paul Simon

— Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) September 13, 2018

September 14

Did Kavanaugh send a "I didn't rape you in high school, did I" request on Facebook to find 65 women he knew in high school overnight?

— Betty F*ckin' White (@BettyFckinWhite) September 14, 2018

"A woman has said he raped her in high school."
"This list of 65 women from his high school say he's great."
"Wait, why did you have that list?"
"No reason."

— Cam Banks (@boymonster) September 14, 2018