When films are Tarantined, a man's hand should be cleaned, #PresidentPussyAssBitch is queened, new #SNL hires should really be screened, and much more from this week in funny tweets.<br>
<br>
<strong>September 7</strong><br>
&nbsp;
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">losing my fucking mind <a href="https://t.co/NaEAdKIHbF">pic.twitter.com/NaEAdKIHbF</a></p>
— sodom's angelic visitor (@PartyAvantHarde) <a href="https://twitter.com/PartyAvantHarde/status/1170484597303468037?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 7, 2019</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Scarlett Johansson auditioning for BAPS 2 <a href="https://t.co/faKOBmaxYK">pic.twitter.com/faKOBmaxYK</a></p>
— D'Galen, Prue's Top Apprentice (@theycallmeMr_G) <a href="https://twitter.com/theycallmeMr_G/status/1170436133295218688?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 7, 2019</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">It's literally what we do, Maureen. <a href="https://t.co/lXFmt5NXK3">https://t.co/lXFmt5NXK3</a></p>
— Goodyear Blimp (@GoodyearBlimp) <a href="https://twitter.com/GoodyearBlimp/status/1170378502362869760?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 7, 2019</a></blockquote>
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<br>
<strong>September 8</strong><br>
&nbsp;
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Friends... <a href="https://t.co/wWJnnPRC3D">pic.twitter.com/wWJnnPRC3D</a></p>
— Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) <a href="https://twitter.com/RexChapman/status/1170783525307584512?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 8, 2019</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">you know what beach boys yeah it would be fucking nice</p>
— ★ Dumb Blondes Club ★ (@peaceandbruv) <a href="https://twitter.com/peaceandbruv/status/1170784393708937221?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 8, 2019</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">I'm glad that Obama killed bin Laden before Trump had a chance to become friends with him.</p>
— Travis Allen 🇺🇸 (@TravisAllen02) <a href="https://twitter.com/TravisAllen02/status/1170810576769101831?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 8, 2019</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">You brought the Taliban to the United States the week of September 11? <a href="https://t.co/oxXYweNAOi">https://t.co/oxXYweNAOi</a></p>
— Rep. Eric Swalwell (@RepSwalwell) <a href="https://twitter.com/RepSwalwell/status/1170493521133834241?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 8, 2019</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">5 answers <a href="https://t.co/Oaq78IVQb2">pic.twitter.com/Oaq78IVQb2</a></p>
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) <a href="https://twitter.com/robdelaney/status/1170834942454042624?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 8, 2019</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Nice moment at the theatre in Innsbruck last night...<br>
<br>
Just before I went on, I asked a stage manager " Will this audience know me better from Monty Python or Fawlty Towers ? "<br>
<br>
He replied "I don't know. I've never heard of you "</p>
— John Cleese (@JohnCleese) <a href="https://twitter.com/JohnCleese/status/1170608182613483520?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 8, 2019</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="und" dir="ltr">Aww 🥰 <a href="https://t.co/7Ab1lECgXc">https://t.co/7Ab1lECgXc</a></p>
— martiñ urbano (@MartinUrbano) <a href="https://twitter.com/MartinUrbano/status/1170745236466864130?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 8, 2019</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Twitter is like,<br>
<br>
"Hey, guys. After 15 years of effort I'm finally releasing my life's work. I'm so proud of it and hope you like it"<br>
✨4 likes, 3 retweets✨<br>
<br>
"Good thing manatees are in water cuz they look like they'd have a smelly ass"<br>
✨124,729 likes, 78,987 retweets✨</p>
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) <a href="https://twitter.com/MikeDrucker/status/1170740658979651585?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 8, 2019</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">This is big. Most things don't impress her much. <a href="https://t.co/l8WyufHoUa">https://t.co/l8WyufHoUa</a></p>
— Josh Shiaman (@JoshShiaman) <a href="https://twitter.com/JoshShiaman/status/1170683534467616768?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 8, 2019</a></blockquote>
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<br>
September 9<br>
&nbsp;
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">lol what a pussy ass bitch. tagged everyone but me. an honor, mister president.</p>
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) <a href="https://twitter.com/chrissyteigen/status/1170914148919590914?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 9, 2019</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">The president has gotten away with a lot of stuff but I truly believe he will regret starting shit with Chrissy Teigen on twitter</p>
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) <a href="https://twitter.com/ChaseMit/status/1170950329493377024?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 9, 2019</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Catch musician <a href="https://twitter.com/johnlegend?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@johnlegend</a>, and his filthy mouthed wife, in "BETWEEN TWO FERNS: THE MOVIE," on <a href="https://twitter.com/netflix?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@netflix</a> worldwide September 20! <a href="https://t.co/I9coGgMHV9">pic.twitter.com/I9coGgMHV9</a></p>
— Scott Aukerman (@ScottAukerman) <a href="https://twitter.com/ScottAukerman/status/1170931711955361792?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 9, 2019</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Picking a fight with Chrissy Teigen to make everyone forget you randomly tried meet with the Taliban to make everyone forget you drew on a weather map with a sharpie to make everyone forget yo—</p>
— jordan (@JordanUhl) <a href="https://twitter.com/JordanUhl/status/1170935745575620608?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 9, 2019</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Please don't make this foul mouthed hashtag trend <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/PresidentPussyAssBitch?src=hash&amp;ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#PresidentPussyAssBitch</a> <a href="https://t.co/TMaq58hzIx">https://t.co/TMaq58hzIx</a></p>
— John Legend (@johnlegend) <a href="https://twitter.com/johnlegend/status/1170929432577527810?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 9, 2019</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">By Flaming Dancer, the president means "Flamingo Dancer," though it is flamenco, though there is no evidence the woman in question, a former journalist, has ever been a flamenco dancer. <a href="https://t.co/U4xmZrvhk2">pic.twitter.com/U4xmZrvhk2</a></p>
— Daniel Dale (@ddale8) <a href="https://twitter.com/ddale8/status/1171025691401510912?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 9, 2019</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">I fixed <a href="https://twitter.com/SUBWAY?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@SUBWAY</a>'s ad. <a href="https://t.co/Aa0Akrd5k6">pic.twitter.com/Aa0Akrd5k6</a></p>
— Luke McGarry (@lukeymcgarry) <a href="https://twitter.com/lukeymcgarry/status/1170975219588063232?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 9, 2019</a></blockquote>
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<br>
<strong>September 10</strong><br>
&nbsp;
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Hello darkness my old friend.<br>
<br>
Darkness (2 days later): Sorry just saw this.</p>
— Jake Lambert (@LittleLostLad) <a href="https://twitter.com/LittleLostLad/status/1171393746799341568?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 10, 2019</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Netflix: are you still there?<br>
<br>
Us: <a href="https://t.co/hobieLArqe">pic.twitter.com/hobieLArqe</a></p>
— Videos Unusual (@VideosUnusual) <a href="https://twitter.com/VideosUnusual/status/1171336950248288256?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 10, 2019</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Dear corporate hotels, Check-in 4 pm &amp; Check-out 11 am are you sure you even want us to stay?</p>
— Natasha Leggero (@natashaleggero) <a href="https://twitter.com/natashaleggero/status/1171448607733477376?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 10, 2019</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Beyoncé giving Solange permission in the elevator <a href="https://t.co/YRXn0Dfz6o">https://t.co/YRXn0Dfz6o</a></p>
— Ira thee Third (@ira) <a href="https://twitter.com/ira/status/1171498558760972292?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 10, 2019</a></blockquote>
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<br>
<strong>September 11</strong><br>
&nbsp;
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">That's Hilary Clinton's jacket <a href="https://t.co/BGaOPyPAJl">https://t.co/BGaOPyPAJl</a></p>
— bolu babalola (@BeeBabs) <a href="https://twitter.com/BeeBabs/status/1171945336404885504?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 12, 2019</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">There are two types of dogs... <a href="https://t.co/WZ9GrPu8ER">pic.twitter.com/WZ9GrPu8ER</a></p>
— Aussies Doing Things (@aussiesdointhgs) <a href="https://twitter.com/aussiesdointhgs/status/1171855910811181057?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 11, 2019</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">the women on Sex and the City: omg he is a fox, hottest guy I've ever seen, I'm dripping wet just looking at him<br>
<br>
the guy: <a href="https://t.co/ig7ZjyErfq">pic.twitter.com/ig7ZjyErfq</a></p>
— ashley ray (@arayyay) <a href="https://twitter.com/arayyay/status/1171848881702703104?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 11, 2019</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">ME: *opens shutters* My boy! What day is it today?<br>
ORPHAN: Why, it's brands tweeting weird things about 9/11 day! <a href="https://t.co/ABHYb8O1wz">pic.twitter.com/ABHYb8O1wz</a></p>
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) <a href="https://twitter.com/MikeDrucker/status/1171797406444396546?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 11, 2019</a></blockquote>
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<br>
<strong>September 12</strong><br>
&nbsp;
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">went to a nude model figure drawing event last night and no one asked me to leave <a href="https://t.co/hqkmVkOSMN">pic.twitter.com/hqkmVkOSMN</a></p>
— Tommy Siegel (@TommySiegel) <a href="https://twitter.com/TommySiegel/status/1172204895740538880?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 12, 2019</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">oh my god what is wrong with you people?????? you're bonkers I love you <a href="https://t.co/N4NLOfVY3e">https://t.co/N4NLOfVY3e</a></p>
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) <a href="https://twitter.com/chrissyteigen/status/1172261323167666176?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 12, 2019</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Vinyl-4-All<a href="https://t.co/ecNY4W37t5">pic.twitter.com/ecNY4W37t5</a></p>
— jordan (@JordanUhl) <a href="https://twitter.com/JordanUhl/status/1172339104022839297?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 13, 2019</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="pt" dir="ltr">gatorade is short for g'daymateorade</p>
— grahamclark (@grahamclark) <a href="https://twitter.com/grahamclark/status/1172216423382306816?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 12, 2019</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">today SNL announced the hiring of its first cast member of East Asian descent, and also this guy <a href="https://t.co/0FAGJZJUkK">pic.twitter.com/0FAGJZJUkK</a></p>
— Seth Simons (@sasimons) <a href="https://twitter.com/sasimons/status/1172257211697025025?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 12, 2019</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">I truly enjoy the annual tradition of trying to destroy a new SNL performer on the happiest day of their life. <a href="https://t.co/MW2As48UCg">https://t.co/MW2As48UCg</a></p>
— Anthony Jeselnik (@anthonyjeselnik) <a href="https://twitter.com/anthonyjeselnik/status/1172313057411731456?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 13, 2019</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">girl i babysit: I wanna be tall and skinny when I grow up<br>
<br>
me, realizing the damage society does on young girls but too tired to correct her: me too<br>
<br>
girl: like abraham lincoln</p>
— haley (@haleyflynnstead) <a href="https://twitter.com/haleyflynnstead/status/1172303068236398593?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 13, 2019</a></blockquote>
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<br>
<strong>September 13</strong><br>
&nbsp;
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">i can't believe shane gillis's present is resurfacing.</p>
— Myq Kaplan (@myqkaplan) <a href="https://twitter.com/myqkaplan/status/1172487503825317888?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 13, 2019</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Sam Smith: My pronouns are they/them<br>
<br>
Associated Press: <a href="https://t.co/8giNaHsjaL">pic.twitter.com/8giNaHsjaL</a></p>
— ashley dye (@ashleycdye) <a href="https://twitter.com/ashleycdye/status/1172599810601472000?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 13, 2019</a></blockquote>
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Vish Khanna

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: September 13, 2019

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