This is how your email finds me, mushroom absorbency, floor venti, stop reading philosophy, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

October 28

insane how by recommending pete davidson for snl, bill hader created the circumstances that led to kanye's downfall
— beignets by bitch (@anoushnorouzi) October 28, 2022

Twitter laid me off today. If you know of any open positions for project managers and senior software engineers, let me know. I was the PM in charge of that feature that shows you a good tweet before the whole timeline refreshes so you can't find it
— 🪬 SLURPLE 🟣 BRAINED 🧠 (@bantablack) October 28, 2022

I managed to get a copy of Twitter's new policies. Here are the top ten biggest changes:

A thread.
— Michael Harriot (@michaelharriot) October 28, 2022

I actually don't think twitter will change that much because 𝔼𝕝𝕠𝕟 𝕄𝕦𝕤𝕜 𝕚𝕤 𝕠𝕟𝕖 𝕖𝕡𝕚𝕔 𝕕𝕦𝕕𝕖 weird that's not what I typed but 𝕡𝕣𝕠𝕔𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟 𝕚𝕤 𝕞𝕪 𝕡𝕦𝕣𝕡𝕠𝕤𝕖 𝕚𝕟 𝕝𝕚𝕗𝕖 ok hang on a minute
— Sarah Lazarus (@sarahclazarus) October 28, 2022

Getting a man to do something I'm perfectly capable of doing. pic.twitter.com/SfnKoN2ozD
— Invis🍒 (@lilxinvis) October 28, 2022

10 must-know Canadian concepts that will improve your life:
— sam 🍊 (@lj_sam_) October 28, 2022

We had this new girl start school and at first she was really weird but then she got popular and won prom queen and freaked out and told everyone she was actually 25 and an undercover reporter??? Then she made out with my English teacher at one of our baseball games lmao like ok https://t.co/kPTbNSXNB2
— caitie delaney (@caitiedelaney) October 28, 2022

I'm going to a halloween party that is "basic bitch" themed and I asked my gf what a basic bitch man wears and she proceeded to describe how I have dressed every day of my entire adult life
— Tim Pumpkinholz 🎃 (@timunken) October 29, 2022

I just left my 4-month-old with my husband in the two-hr gap I have between nursing sessions, smoked a huge joint alone, got a seat for one at the sushi place I never let myself go to & ordered a *bunch* of fancy shit, and let me tell you I am a new woman
— Hillary Brenhouse (@hbrenhouse) October 28, 2022

October 29

just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect "sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair" and folks, they were not elf ears
— ✨Gimme the Lute✨ (@moontwerk) October 29, 2022

"You can't tell me what to do!"

— me, to my own todo list
— ADHD Jesse (@adhdjesse) October 29, 2022

They must have put my husband in charge of the NYT spelling bee! pic.twitter.com/jR44BTcVFH
— dylan gelula (@DylanGelula) October 29, 2022

People are like "we can say whatever we want on Twitter now?!?!?!" I have literally tweeted "my asshole is the most attractive part of my body, I wish I could walk around like Winnie the Pooh"
What exactly have you guys felt restricted on?
— Josie Marcellino (@JosieMarcellino) October 29, 2022

Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn't a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
— Laurie Voss (@seldo) October 29, 2022

Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, "yeah but that's only $400 million after taxes". Our kitchen is in our living room.
— Hanna Dickinson (@hansdickie) October 29, 2022

This the hardest Halloween costume 😭 Im high as hell looking at it pic.twitter.com/prCxtjcR8T
— ͏  (@TeezySooSkep) October 30, 2022

gm pic.twitter.com/NEXy42SUMk
— josh (@jl_jl_jl_jl_jl) October 29, 2022

This family did Halloween right. All-time classic. 🎃 pic.twitter.com/SgkmfJHyrz
— Don Lewis (@DonLew87) October 29, 2022

I fucking love halloween because nothing makes me laugh harder than what people will sluttify. a girl I know is being "slutty sleepytime tea bear" and i've been laughing at that for 45 minutes
— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) October 29, 2022

Whatever you think is going to happen will be wrong. pic.twitter.com/8u5IIr9363
— Gavin Shoebridge (@KiwiEV) October 29, 2022

October 30

Just heard a mom yelling, "THEODORE!"

So I hit her with an, "ALVIN!"

No one in that Aldi parking lot laughed. I hate it here.
— Jason, Evil (@benedictsred) October 30, 2022

So, kids today won't get it, but that is by far the best Halloween costume I've ever seen. pic.twitter.com/LI72ZHKG5Z
— Gavin Shoebridge (@KiwiEV) October 30, 2022

BREAKING: The "Let's Circle Back After The Holidays" Season Has Officially Begun
— ADWEAK (@adweak) October 30, 2022

I'll mute my TV and stop breathing to hear my neighbors fight
— IG: closedapp (@ih8rts) October 31, 2022

did I ever tell you guys about the time I talked to a psychiatrist and he said I would probably be fine if I just stopped reading philosophy so I did and it helped
— Jessica Fox (@HelloJessicaFox) October 30, 2022

Imagine buying a business in which people from Stephen King to Taylor Swift improbably write content for you for free, and then promptly sending them a bill for doing that
— Daniel Loxton (@Daniel_Loxton) October 30, 2022

They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
— Sesame Chiccen (@Loccdawggg) October 30, 2022

My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.

There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
— Brian W. Collins (@BrianWCollins) October 30, 2022

H A L L O W E E N pic.twitter.com/UVhtPgOdc9
— Lowcostcosplay (@LOWCOSTCOSPLAY) October 30, 2022

i've literally never in my life been so scared pic.twitter.com/YkzWWRS90c
— kim (@KimmyMonte) October 30, 2022

how halloween is celebrated in australia 💀 pic.twitter.com/Dy5jU1AGzR
— yasmin (@ycsm1n) October 31, 2022

October 31

It's so beautiful that there's one established holiday that's entirely about eating candy, watching horror movies and dressing slutty. Nothing thrown in there about family or gratitude or love. Incredible stuff.
— Lenny Burnham - abolish ICE, abolish the police (@lennyburnham) October 31, 2022

Cut my finger while carving a pumpkin and my 12 y/o daughter told me to save the blood in case we needed it for decorations so I said, "ok, sweetie," and took garlic to bed with me because WTF.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) October 31, 2022

We ran out of fentanyl half an hour ago and we're still getting trick-or-treaters. I thought $45,000 worth would be enough but I'll need to get even more next year.
— Guy Freire (@guy_freire) November 1, 2022

Just massive kudos for the person who created this Halloween squirrel feeder pic.twitter.com/urlKXsR5ot
— Ben Phillips (@benphillips76) October 31, 2022

He wins 🤣😅🤣 pic.twitter.com/vuEMSR4pqS
— 🐺DRE🐺 (@llIIDreIIll) October 31, 2022

Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn't help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
— sweatpants cher🔸 (@House_Feminist) October 31, 2022

Crying no one at my office is dressed up today meanwhile I am sitting at my desk looking like this help pic.twitter.com/ZtPufwLBY6
— yuna (@yunatalks) October 31, 2022

they should make halloween a 4-day weekend instead of thanksgiving. less time with family more time with satan
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) October 31, 2022

pic.twitter.com/0AdIPqyEDa
— old people online (@oldpplonline) November 1, 2022

getting in to bank rock. if your song is in a bank commercial, sign me up guy
— patrick (@Labazo) November 1, 2022

When I type "hehe" this is what I mean pic.twitter.com/AfgeKWF5Ds
— Sopranos World (@SopranosWorld) October 31, 2022

Having a partner who doesn't have anxiety is wild. They're just… sitting there, maybe having a snack… not worried at all
— Meredith Ireland (@MeredithIreland) October 31, 2022

The road to fascism is paved with people telling you that you're overreacting.
— Alejandra Caraballo 🐀 (@Esqueer_) October 31, 2022

Twitter laid me off today. If you know of any open positions for developers, let me know. I was the project lead who ensured that writers and editors at white publications were able to convert tweets from Black creators into profitable stories without their knowledge or consent.
— Crystal Fleming (@alwaystheself) November 1, 2022

he looks like a deep sea creature https://t.co/vKVhoaAO0F
— grovy 🥭 (@grovymango) October 31, 2022

Me: Shouting into the void

Universe: We charge for that now
— jon claytor (@jonclaytor) November 1, 2022

Twitter with verification vs. Twitter when I refuse to pay $20 a month for it pic.twitter.com/knP5vEGg2v
— Lynda Carter (@RealLyndaCarter) October 31, 2022

What if we all just migrate over to the same google doc
— Dagmar, Archerfishionado (@DJWeduwen) October 31, 2022

November 1

this is literally pathetic lol pic.twitter.com/jkMe7voVwx
— cait (@punished_cait) November 1, 2022

elon musk is so good at negotiation he paid $44 billion for something worth ~$10 and then as his first order of business he proposed a $20 monthly subscription and immediately revised that down to $8 because Stephen King told him to fuck off. brilliant stuff
— tc (@chillmage) November 1, 2022

Lady behind me at The Thing screening last night to her partner "why are they shooting at the dog?" and her partner says very firmly "have you never seen a film before? You watch it and information is revealed"
— Matt The Outlaw 🤠 (@CursedGloryHole) November 1, 2022

will be thinking about heidi klum's worm costume for the next several days pic.twitter.com/IjRM6S6ggi
— matt (@mattxiv) November 1, 2022

this is how your email finds me pic.twitter.com/GbwfoIKiYU
— bigboy (@bigtallgayguy) November 1, 2022

Today's cursed music timeline. 🫤 pic.twitter.com/T6qUyJcoZ6
— Leslie Ken Chu (@LeslieKenChu) November 1, 2022

Parents be like, "Here's 4 boxes of your old elementary school work you left at the house."
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 1, 2022

no offense to camels but i thought they'd be better at it than this https://t.co/SPzB9clLFr
— SLUG (@generalslug) November 2, 2022

It's called daylight savings, Tone. No one knows why the fuck we do it anymore. I say it's a scheme by the government to make sure everyone stays depressed so they buy more meds like Prozac and shit pic.twitter.com/FeY0CfkhJY
— Sopranos World (@SopranosWorld) November 2, 2022

Who came up with Snickers Minis?
Why do we need 1/16th of a Snickers bar? These aren't even bite sized. I have to take em 4 at a time like ibuprofen.
— Stone (@StoneAgeRadio13) November 1, 2022

My kid didn't even come close to meeting her Reese's quota, so I'm sending her back out tonight. Do better.
— Luke+ (@lukeplusone) November 1, 2022

me: you can't take your candy to school

5 year old: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

5 year old: with you?
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) November 1, 2022

billionares are so weird. what are you saving up for? hell?
— Sabrina (@NerdyAndQuirky) November 1, 2022

Lol what if we all block him
— Geraldine (@everywhereist) November 1, 2022

elon musk's twitter journey is very jack skellington trying to do christmas
— Chris Fleming (@chrisfluming) November 1, 2022

I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
— Asha Rangappa (@AshaRangappa_) November 1, 2022

give me 8 bucks a month or else i'll make you stop using a website that severely exacerbates your depression and anxiety
— God ⚡️ (@thegoodgodabove) November 2, 2022

People have been asking me what it was like working at Twitter and since I didn't sign an NDA, I guess I can share that another programmer got fired a few days ago for submitting this prototype of the new $8 verification badge. pic.twitter.com/XzhLvukfwg
— Crystal Fleming (@alwaystheself) November 2, 2022

why would i pay $8 to get a blue check if i could put a rat next to my name for free???

i'm calling on everyone to join me in becoming #RatVerified
— alex 🐀 (@tinysnekcomics) November 1, 2022

November 2

Not exactly thrilled at Elon Musk tanking this platform, but I do think he's doing the world a service by showing us that "genius entrepreneurs" are often silly spoiled children who got where they are from daddy's money, government subsidies, and conning people.
— Read Jackson Rising by @CooperationJXN (@JoshuaPHilll) November 2, 2022

*everybody alive wants me to shut the fuck up and stop being weird*

actually this is proof that i'm a genius https://t.co/aujQ61Ppso
— caleb hearon (@calebsaysthings) November 2, 2022

It's working. I really think we can all bully him into selling the company again pic.twitter.com/xVakd1KxAK
— pixelatedboat aka "mr tweets" (@pixelatedboat) November 2, 2022

Elon Musk is the guy who bombed at the open mic and instead of getting funnier, he bought the club that hosted the mic and made himself the host and he's still bombing.
— Nando (@NandovMovies) November 3, 2022

Help: I overpaid for a social media platform because I was mad a trans woman boned my wife, now I'm begging Garfield for spare change. I am an alpha btw
— Lyra, Esq., is NOT DAREDEVIL (@PinkRangerLB) November 3, 2022

I know a man who just WASTED 44 BILLION DOLLARS ain't telling me how to spend 8
— Kenny Keil (@kennykeil) November 2, 2022

elon musk discovering most people think paying for arbitrary status symbols is incredible loser behaviour is so funny
— lady eva (@_glorianas) November 2, 2022

As cold and flu and re-re-covid season descends upon us, let's remember to look out for each other this holiday season. pic.twitter.com/dFGYBnk8ZY
— david cross✍ (@davidcrosss) November 2, 2022

Today marks 4 years since I cut poisonous berries out of my diet. I feel amazing, I have so much more energy and no more daily trips to the ER. I can't recommend it enough
— Harrison (@harriweinreb) November 2, 2022

huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels' stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
— Sydney Battle (@SydneyBattle) November 2, 2022

This couple finally got married after 15 years and look what the bride did at the alter 🤣 pic.twitter.com/GkX3HRo3ms
— Mon (@MONR0WE) November 2, 2022

Hi Walmart, I don't think mushrooms will work. pic.twitter.com/SdWMZawhIK
— AskAubry 🦝 (@ask_aubry) November 2, 2022

i think about this often pic.twitter.com/l8Jkz2tlg5
— matt (@mattxiv) November 2, 2022

Me, whispering to Starbucks employee: Someone took a large…sorry…a venti poop on the floor.
— Jason, Evil (@benedictsred) November 2, 2022

Americans love being like "you had a tough 10 hour shift?? I worked three 16 hours shifts in a row and I'm not complaining!"

All while having no idea that they are, in fact, the victim.
— Read Jackson Rising by @CooperationJXN (@JoshuaPHilll) November 2, 2022

Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test

Me: C

Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩
— John Kennedy (@FrazzleMyGimp) November 2, 2022

 
November 3

Bill Clinton: "The Republicans are pretty simple, actually, and pretty straightforward. They say, 'I want you to be very miserable. And I want you to be very angry. And I want you to vote for us, and we'll make it worse, but we'll blame them.'"
— Kyle Griffin (@kylegriffin1) November 3, 2022

When I was in the third grade a girl in my class told everybody her brother killed Saddam Hussein and we all believed her . Our teacher let her make a little announcement about it. The early 2000s were just like that
— ellory smith (@ellorysmith) November 3, 2022

holy fucking shit, look how quickly things went from 'we're all going to mars!' to 'give me 8 dollars'
— Jeff Tiedrich (@itsJeffTiedrich) November 3, 2022

they should make it so it costs $10 to join Twitter, and if you get banned you can pay $10 to sign up again. also you can change anyone's profile pic and bio for $10 but it only costs $5 for them to change it back. it should also cost an extra $10 to search, but its broken
— Jack Allison (@jackallisonLOL) November 3, 2022

friend: my wife left me. i got laid off. my kids wont speak to me. i cant do this anymore

me going through an "i just got a bidet and need to tell people about it" phase: you know what would help with all of that
— jame (@kloogans) November 3, 2022

Overheard a university student say "Arctic Monkeys were my dad's favourite band when I was little." The passage of time is relentless, unfathomable, cruel, and unforgiving.
— Matt Farr (@philosofarr) November 3, 2022

bro watching the nba from the start like it's a tv show pic.twitter.com/DMyVXrU6Np
— Spac𝓮 ⭐️🎃 (@spaceeong) November 3, 2022

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: November 4, 2022

Latest Coverage