November 24
HEY DONALD:
— Bishop Talbert Swan (@TalbertSwan) November 25, 2018
'The Art of the Deal' by @realDonaldTrump
1.1 million copies sold in 32 YEARS
'Becoming' by @MichelleObama
1.4 million copies sold in ONE WEEK
Thought you'd wanna know.
Far Right Wing: All Lives Matter!
— Qasim Rashid, Esq. (@MuslimIQ) November 24, 2018
Syrian Refugees?
No
Christian Latin American Asylees?
No
85K Yemeni kids starved to death?
No
500K Muslim civilians?
No
Jamal Khashoggi?
No
Jemel Roberson, Emantic Bradford, Sandra Parks?
No
School kids?
No
Then who?
FRW: Fertilized eggs
Where are the dinosaurs now? https://t.co/A7lNQQqHtu
— Yuletide Serota (@maggieserota) November 25, 2018
Aquaman can talk to fish but he only tells them what to do. He's never like, "Seen any good movies, fish? How's your mom, fish?" Aquaman is an asshole.
— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) November 25, 2018
November 25
Spent $11 for internet on the flight so I could check my email. One email, the receipt for purchasing internet on the flight.
— Zedlacher (@zedlacher) November 26, 2018
This what y'all pay tithes for? pic.twitter.com/sOQcVvN0ij
— Can I Eat Yo Pussy Frm Da Bck N Make Yo Booty Clap (@Shellz_GotCheez) November 25, 2018
"I'm not a scientist, but—"
— Michael Green (@andmichaelgreen) November 25, 2018
"—Then shut the fuck up, we're discussing science."
INT. JAY LENO'S GARAGE -- MIDNIGHT
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) November 25, 2018
With trembling hands, Jay types "classic car wearing jeans" into the Pornhub search bar.
November 26
This is my favorite band break-up notice ever. pic.twitter.com/WsIq1i2d6p
— Conor Sullivan (@conortheconor) November 26, 2018
if a group of 5000 asylum seekers came twice a year and we let every single one of them in it would take roughly 325 years for them to make up 1% of the american population.
— m i t h (@ManInTheHoody) November 26, 2018
so maybe stop calling it a mass migration
This girl I used to go out with is still using my Netflix and that's cool. She's watching Scandal and is currently on S7E12. Series finale is S7E18. Guess who's changing her password as soon as she gets to episode 17? Yep, it's Petty Labelle.
— 🏳️🌈Quee(r)n Regina (@heyqueenregina) November 26, 2018
[inventing the toaster]
— schmox (@IvoryGazelle) November 26, 2018
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
November 27
Regular back:
— Thunder Bread⚡️ (@JoeyDG54) November 27, 2018
-will hurt eventually
-boring
-stupid bones
Backstreet's back:
-alright
No don't ruin this!!! pic.twitter.com/NxZSQ9cHwU
— pixelated no longer too early for a christmas name (@pixelatedboat) November 27, 2018
I'll be in the bookstore til 5:30pm, listening to you complain about how incompetent cashiers are these days and watching you try to pay with your gym membership card.
— Andrew Hood (@Andrew_N_Hood) November 27, 2018
Me still trying to shop at Forever 21 pic.twitter.com/Cc60PVKfxq
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) November 28, 2018
Tonight, half of Mississippi reminded the US why it's:
— Danny Deraney (@DannyDeraney) November 28, 2018
50th in income
48th in economy
3rd in welfare dependency
50th in healthcare
50th in infant mortality
2nd in obesity
47th in education
50th in college readiness
47th in employment
7th in depression
Congratulations...
If celebs and influencers were actually honest with us about some of these diet/detox products... pic.twitter.com/OQsJobGOQN
— Jameela Jamil (@jameelajamil) November 28, 2018
if Colin Kaepernick had beaten a woman instead of kneeled during the anthem he'd still be in the NFL right now.
— David Dennis Jr. (@DavidDTSS) November 27, 2018
"so how's freelancing going?" pic.twitter.com/5VZ9xix9uv
— Dan Hett (@danhett) November 27, 2018
November 28
Mississippi has the highest gay porn consumption in US - but it's all straight guys who only watch to remind themselves how much they hate it.
— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) November 28, 2018
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
— M@thew (@TweetPotato314) November 28, 2018
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn't actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph's recital
i'm losing my fucking mind pic.twitter.com/inSapoCnoJ
— hallmark channel's countdown to caitmas (@chaeronaea) November 28, 2018
Whenever customer service agents say that they're recording the phone call, I've started saying, "I am too."
— Neal Brennan (@nealbrennan) November 28, 2018
Service is way better.
November 29
Bob snapped. pic.twitter.com/Ulq0QJlE1P
— RLQ Rosie (@RLQ_Rosie) November 29, 2018
Obama is not even on this chart. Give the man his blank row. He earned that blank row. https://t.co/IjnMfLxIzN
— southpaw (@nycsouthpaw) November 30, 2018
It's weird how the people who starred in Bram Stoker's Dracula have all barely aged since 1992. Probably nothing to worry about
— Brooks Otterlake (@i_zzzzzz) November 29, 2018
Why will Laura Loomer not speak up about the Deadspin Awards happening December 5th at Irving Plaza? https://t.co/MKAhjfsmN7 pic.twitter.com/AuRJTs9KQO
— Deadspin (@Deadspin) November 29, 2018
November 30
Not the point but this reads like the whitest-possible version of the Fresh Prince of Bel Air song https://t.co/1mrAGmUXvr
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) November 30, 2018
This is literally the "I am not a crook" tweet https://t.co/dla29yn9rG
— David Frum (@davidfrum) November 30, 2018
Honestly if the rest of 2018 is just people trying to one-up each other with increasingly big cows I'm here for it https://t.co/bVTqsw2fmm
— andi zeisler (@andizeisler) November 30, 2018
