Frogfeld, sausage is yelled, when courthouse tears suspiciously welled, a child's mask mandate is held, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

November 5

during my divorce I saw an itemized bill from my ex's attorney that had been left out in the open and it included a charge of $165 for "researching plaintiff's Twitter"
— sweatpants cher🔸 (@House_Feminist) November 6, 2021

imagine a guy doing no shave november, not nut november, and nanowrimo all at once. that's just the dad from the shining tbh
— em (@uncle_emmington) November 6, 2021

Mike's Beautiful Dark Twisted Lemonade
— mr dirt (@pubertyblockers) November 6, 2021

pic.twitter.com/Ci1LTYXMQC
— aspiring mob wife (@waystarsroyco) November 5, 2021

I'll never unhear the time my mom referred to Timothee Chalamet as "chimney taliban"
— Brandon Follick (@follickacid) November 6, 2021

welcome to your 40's you have 2 friends and one of them is annoying
— kim (@KimmyMonte) November 5, 2021

Using "asl" for "as hell" is absolutely insane
— BLËU CHEEZE (@bleucapone) November 6, 2021

the cat's all 😴 and im just like 🥺😍📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸📸
— Laurazepam (@andlikelaura) November 6, 2021

November 6

Happy first birthday to the funniest thing that has ever happened in the history of ever pic.twitter.com/HpCmq1qJck
— Santiago (Taylor's Version) (@santiagomayer_) November 7, 2021

If I'd directed Spencer? I would have built the entire movie around this moment: pic.twitter.com/CIJoHzVTEx
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) November 6, 2021

he escaped pic.twitter.com/HKeL7m83Rc
— Rob N Roll (@thegallowboob) November 6, 2021

The sound that I made pic.twitter.com/C7XXqT4dhc
— Nerd Girl Says (@Rachael_Conrad) November 6, 2021

wow that was close pic.twitter.com/XXGJ4PjwkZ
— Rob Perez (@WorldWideWob) November 7, 2021

"Accidentally celibate" pic.twitter.com/RadiN3WM5J
— Jabroni and the Air-rifle (@DanBoeckner) November 6, 2021

I don't know about you but where I grew up this was not a compliment pic.twitter.com/uwaAc4hFfh
— Jon Halloween (@okjonblair) November 6, 2021

I do this all the time where is my article https://t.co/je4wKkNQGk
— Fairy Gothmother, MD (@jenny2x4) November 6, 2021

November 7

lmao capitalism really does have a hand in almost everything pic.twitter.com/lD0zM0r6eZ
— balmain badmon (@paradoomer) November 7, 2021

people are like "We can't just eliminate everyone's debt." Dude last night at 3 AM we decided it would become 2 AM, this is in your head.
— Mass for Shut-ins (Podcast) (@edburmila) November 7, 2021

this is still one of the funniest fuckin explanations for a verse pic.twitter.com/crSpUaFMkG
— Dan (@Flawless_Cowboi) November 7, 2021

FAMILIAR?? pic.twitter.com/zFmUjKCT7y
— steph (@hunnywh0re) November 7, 2021

Diphtheria, measles, mumps, rubella, flu, pneumonia, polio, smallpox, tetanus, Covid-19. I've been vaccinated against every damn one and my 'freedoms' are still intact. I don't glow and spoons don't stick to my head. The microchip is in my phone; it didn't go through a needle.
— rosanne cash (@rosannecash) November 7, 2021

If you've never gotten high and looked up top 40 pop music charts from the 1900's and 1910's I would highly, highly recommend it. Just almost passed out laughing bc Row Row Row Your Boat was on there
— Claire Penis (@ZeroSuitCamus) November 8, 2021

pic.twitter.com/Ls24uyYLip
— The Artist Formerly Known As Goose (@TrevorWoggon) November 7, 2021

parallels pic.twitter.com/j0kyiqVglP
— bethany (@fiImgal) November 8, 2021

The advice The result. pic.twitter.com/0itw9Y60K2
— 𝒮𝒶𝒻𝓎𝒶𝓃 (@A6oki) November 7, 2021

pic.twitter.com/SfT86etjZY
— Zack Budryk (@BudrykZack) November 8, 2021

November 8

MySpace Tom was smarter than zuck. just sold his shit for half a billion as soon as possible & now just travels around taking pretty pictures while zuck became a vassal of the goblin king pic.twitter.com/9kIBOukFk6
— Keith (@DrWomanhattan) November 8, 2021

Wow did you guys see this?? pic.twitter.com/s285lPFiHt
— charles entertainment cheese (@jmurffff) November 8, 2021

My kid stayed home and did virtual school for 2020-21 and went into this year VERY aware of public health directives on masking. This is what happened when the school photo company advised she could remove her mask for her picture. 😂 pic.twitter.com/nzkzbraFzG
— Shayla Bradley (@shaylariane) November 9, 2021

Just walked in on my three year old pumping all of our hand soap into the bathroom sink, chanting "wasting soap… wasting soap…" to himself
— fgx (@nullstateofmind) November 9, 2021

apparently, when my husband's side of the family fight now, they go "hey let's not end up in an Atsuko bit" and they stop 😂 which is the most power I've ever held over any group of white people
— Atsuko Okatsuka (@AtsukoComedy) November 8, 2021

the best actress on television, with respect to "shiv." pic.twitter.com/CbNhc2K57g
— john (@johnsemley3000) November 9, 2021

she said ":D" pic.twitter.com/laEK9exbe7
— kali (@m4mibear) November 8, 2021

November 9

My toddler, who was not previously accustomed to being awake after dark, just looked outside and screamed "where is the backyard?!"
— Mel (@Tweetsnwhatnot) November 10, 2021

pic.twitter.com/SHEJSwE0J4
— SNL Hosts Introducing the Musical Guest (@snlhostsintro) November 9, 2021

this is literally the ONLY safe space to ever exist pic.twitter.com/LLZ6uJoMdq
— Nicholas Dante (@nicholasdante_) November 9, 2021

Whenever I suspect someone doesn't like me I'm extra nice to them like good luck talking shit about how I told you I loved your jacket you fucking bitch.
— Lindsay Theisen (@lindsaytheis) November 9, 2021

the 2024 election pic.twitter.com/aVOJnrvNFx
— meuw (@meowmeowmia) November 10, 2021

Got my booster in the lube aisle at CVS pic.twitter.com/l4sg547w03
— Emerson Malone (@allmalone) November 10, 2021

amazon at checkout: do u wanna donate to charity

me: BITCH DO YOU???
— marvel's next wolverine (@kaichoyce) November 9, 2021

five years ago, i messaged a random woman on Twitter, asking her to go on a date with me.

today, i asked her to be my wife.

she said "No" both times.
— James Mishra (@rishmishra) November 9, 2021

incredible pic.twitter.com/3idnaSF8Ja
— 🎪 samantha 🎪 (@umjammysammys) November 10, 2021

November 10

How I'm tryna pay back my student loan but they not listening pic.twitter.com/wBImCAaLMa
— KA 🎒 (@1kwesii) November 10, 2021

Never do your best quit pic.twitter.com/RWn8lkX2bS
— 𝚗𝚘 𝚝𝚊𝚛𝚊𝚑 𝚘𝚗𝚕𝚢 𝚢𝚞𝚕𝚎 𓂀 (@alohacatss) November 10, 2021

Jobs be calling you in for an interview a month after you applied like dawg I lost everything
— sultan (@sultangelo) November 10, 2021

Charli XCX has two songs one is "I'm with my hot friends and we're driving really fast in the car" and the other is "wow dating me is a complete nightmare hahaha sorry"
— Sheryl Crow's communist friend (@Michete) November 10, 2021

… pic.twitter.com/bH43DgnmiV
— steph (@hunnywh0re) November 10, 2021

Everyone is always like HOW is Pete Davidson DOING this!!!! And I guarantee you he's just saying "wanna hang out"
— Allison O'Conor (@allisonoconor) November 11, 2021

Congratulations to Paul Rudd on being named People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive of 2021. pic.twitter.com/DjgqwAPHjc
— Al Yankovic (@alyankovic) November 10, 2021

squinted for a solid 30 seconds at the phrase "soy bisexual" trying to figure out what this latest insult meant until I went a little further and realized I was reading a tweet in spanish
— dropped airpod in office toilet (still works) (@griph) November 10, 2021

It's happening pic.twitter.com/sZipzqdTen
— Parker Molloy (@ParkerMolloy) November 11, 2021

Christine Baranski (left) pic.twitter.com/Zwa2vfhzmy
— Sober Sister Casey "Cici" Cooper (@soneall89) November 11, 2021

November 11

Good morning pic.twitter.com/pUCKDhk1fW
— Harvey Chulo 👄 (@djmikeharvey) November 11, 2021

Opinion | I've always wanted to help others. Here's why I shot three people at a BLM protest.
— New York Times Pitchbot (@DougJBalloon) November 11, 2021

John Wilkes Booth, who has idolized theater since he was young, arrived at The Ford Theater with at least one mission: to catch a show from the balcony https://t.co/w0rsIKwcsG
— 🦃OFFICIAL TURKEY BASTER😎 (@KennyDeForest) November 11, 2021

BREAKING: Judge In Kyle Rittenhouse Case Reveals He Has Adopted Kyle Rittenhouse, Declares Mistrial 'Because He's My Son'
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) November 11, 2021

you mean they hear you pic.twitter.com/uSxSkI4ySf
— Dang Laser (@youranalogbuddy) November 11, 2021

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: November 12, 2021

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