People steal a banana bread joke multiple times, a lot of curiosity about Elon Musk and Grimes, restrictions decline as COVID's impact climbs, closing in on the end of these rhymes, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

May 2

None of your emails are finding me well
— Mohanad Elshieky (@MohanadElshieky) May 3, 2020

Very American to decide we are bored with COVID and therefore it is over
— Jeff Kasanoff (@JeffKasanoff) May 3, 2020

Georgia re-opened and had 2000 new confirmed cases in 3 days.

Stay y'all ass in the house man.
— Poppa (@GodKingToine) May 3, 2020

I feel like I'm trapped in a horror movie full of idiots who think the monster is dead
— Saladin Ahmed (@saladinahmed) May 2, 2020

You know the saying, April diseases bring May killer beeses
— Evie Nagy (@EvieN) May 3, 2020

This dude's Aunt Peggy is a straight-up savage: pic.twitter.com/KEgOf825cF
— Ellie Hall (@ellievhall) May 2, 2020

May 3

March: 😷
April: 😷👽
May: 😷👽🐝
June: 😷👽🐝 ????
— Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) May 3, 2020

*opens new incognito window* pic.twitter.com/dOwYUoHDrC
— Desus Nice (@desusnice) May 4, 2020

something about 8 x 7 equaling 56 don't sit right w me
— noor (@unoorthodox) May 3, 2020

when that locker room scene was filmed Kobe had only been in the league for 1.5 years and the ENTIRE EASTERN CONFERENCE ALL-STAR TEAM was already telling stories about playing against him.
— Rob Perez (@WorldWideWob) May 4, 2020

Okay well I wasn't there pic.twitter.com/cKCpsEgmxa
— Caroline Moss (@CarolineMoss) May 3, 2020

The more you know 💫 pic.twitter.com/qoM4iOMEEA
— Kamiko Uchiha ❗️ (@uchiha_kamiko) May 3, 2020

May 4

amanda palmer divorcing neil gaiman on patreon is tiger king for ukelele goths
— Charlie Chu (@CharlieChu) May 4, 2020

may divorce be with you pic.twitter.com/ATLpYzQdIN
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) May 4, 2020

you're telling me a random house published this book?
— christina (@floozyesq) May 5, 2020

Pubs in Ireland are closed until at least August 10.
Pubs.
In Ireland.

But by all means let's open Cracker Barrel right now.
— Marc Murphy (@MurphyCartoons) May 4, 2020

being a fuck rather than a marry or a kill is nothing to brag about. it's the lowest commitment. kill is the highest commitment which is why it's the biggest compliment.
— LB Hunktears (@hunktears) May 4, 2020

please rethink this john https://t.co/3ks4Xu18vt
— Emma Berquist (@eeberquist) May 5, 2020

Do people still do parkour or did all those guys die
— rock and roll photos (@rockanrollphoto) May 4, 2020

Universities are transitioning to remote learning for fall 2020.

Freshman... please go to a community college to knock out your gen ed classes. I'm telling you, you're going to save thousands of dollars
— alexus (@alexuswah) May 4, 2020

May 5

my wife just asked me if the https://t.co/KX8pNPT8Dq link was part of the the name and i said i didn't know https://t.co/00iue3EQNy
— MCK (@CruzKayne) May 5, 2020

the fuck is this?? pic.twitter.com/BFiOyY3zEo
— 𝕭𝖗𝖊𝖆𝖉𝖓𝖇𝖔𝖔𝖟𝖊 (@goodatsexguy) May 5, 2020

Just took an online IQ test and my score starts with an 7 but I have to pay $100 to see the second digit. Time to find out if I'm a genius!
— Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) May 6, 2020

Always make sure your homemade wine has fully fermented before opening... pic.twitter.com/WGKab8sdQo
— Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) May 5, 2020

Grimes taking X Æ A-12 home from the hospital pic.twitter.com/THGomaQLUu
— Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) May 5, 2020

2020: you can't hug your friends but for $6.32/mo you can see any of them naked
— Rachel McCartney (@RachelMComedy) May 5, 2020

im crying pic.twitter.com/YRIdEmpiuw
— allie (@juulgod50) May 5, 2020

george women bush pic.twitter.com/H3nvYSkPWU
— aaron (@aaronlikethecar) May 5, 2020

I THOUGHT KANGEROOS HAD A POUCH NOT A GAPING HOLE IN THEIR FLESH??????? pic.twitter.com/xFeSsyhTWM
— madelaine 🦇 (@jusdisappointin) May 5, 2020

Elon Musk and Grimes's son in the nursery pic.twitter.com/1Bj9Nf9rPr
— Macks (@maxholcomb0) May 5, 2020

I don't need a fat ass, I have SuperModel status. pic.twitter.com/kk6kxsReUx
— Jahdatta (@jahdatta) May 5, 2020

May 6

i've conducted my own independent investigation of this video and come to the conclusion that it's uh fucking sick? https://t.co/d2yAsYSIzr
— Max Tani (@maxwelltani) May 6, 2020

this aged well pic.twitter.com/utW11fXHzk
— daniel (@hey_whats_sup) May 6, 2020

The question on everyone's mind: will the new Rob Ford series explore the repercussions of this event? pic.twitter.com/FbVOl7PZY3
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) May 6, 2020

Dolly Parton writing "I Will Always Love You" and "Jolene" in the same day is mind blowing.

It'd be like if Da Vinci finished the Mona Lisa then turned around in the same day and wrote "Jolene"
— Wenzler Powers (@WenzlerPowers) May 6, 2020

god I love this site pic.twitter.com/HsJ8i4PeTJ
— keyvan (کیوان) (@shafieikeyvan) May 6, 2020

The year is 2020. Amidst a global pandemic, Guns N' Roses' Axl Rose says the Secretary of the Treasury and producer of Wonder Woman is "officially an asshole." In response, the Executive Producer of the Lego Movie asks what Rose has done for his country with the flag of Liberia. https://t.co/c0pMA3Hyqy
— Rob Lee (@RALee85) May 7, 2020

Everyone else is getting fit so I figured I would too. pic.twitter.com/2vSD2rIYJh
— Step Toilet 🚽 (@StephTolev) May 6, 2020

well-actually'ing the mother of his "child", moments after childbirth ... pic.twitter.com/anLt3vP9Ke
— SARAH SQUIRM (@SarahSquirm) May 6, 2020

i hate how u can't steal while shopping online 🙄🙄🙄🙄
— marie 🧚🏼‍♀️ (@riconastysstrap) May 7, 2020

I don't know why but the straightforwardness of this photo caption is making me laugh hysterically pic.twitter.com/TZy1CcaiXZ
— Amy Plitt (@plitter) May 6, 2020

May 7

WRITING TIP: When writing pilots, subtly bury characters' backstories in dialogue: "As a former NFL prospect who wrecked his arm in a karate accident and is now divorced and running my family's failing farm, I'll have a Coke." You think you just learned he likes Coke, but...
— Mike Scully (@scullymike) May 8, 2020

Three bullets colliding https://t.co/f5dUH9chAx
— Jlon2K (@Jlonwavves) May 7, 2020

In the last 24 hours I saw a black man murdered by a retired cop for exercising and a white man let off after pleading guilty twice
— Vali Chandrasekaran (@therealvali) May 7, 2020

I'm curious how many criminal cases have been dropped after a person pleaded guilty to lying to the FBI.
— Glenn Kessler (@GlennKesslerWP) May 7, 2020

Doesn't really prevent pregnancy but OK https://t.co/d6xxyJnpXW
— Hi it's Matt Collins (@mitchberghini) May 7, 2020

this is the one pic.twitter.com/KALvNSSbuA
— V (@digbickvibes) May 7, 2020

student forgot to delete their lovely dedication to all "the hoes who hated on them" in their thesis. I approve.
— Tressie McMillan Cottom (@tressiemcphd) May 7, 2020

My daughter is so over remote schooling she cut the computer cord. SHE WENT TO THE KITCHEN, GOT THE KITCHEN SHEARS AND CUT THE CORD
— Dan Saltzstein (@dansaltzstein) May 8, 2020

The two types of quarantine haircut. pic.twitter.com/o8ogMCegvr
— Wuthering Tweets™ (@TimDuffy) May 8, 2020

we told white people to wash their hands and practice proper hygiene and they started protesting
— gang (@chrishoee) May 7, 2020

May 8

Interesting, next time acknowledge the author pic.twitter.com/gChTvuFvW7
— M Danny R 🇿🇦 (@danielranoko) May 8, 2020

The world would be bleak without DoorDash drivers pic.twitter.com/kidZRKuCyb
— decent pigeon (@decentbirthday) May 8, 2020

Holy shit https://t.co/RqJAP4eRqG
— Doctor Necrotic Doom (@Vordb) May 8, 2020

Trump's grandfather died in the 1918 flu pandemic and the subsequent life insurance policy that paid out created the Trump fortune. This is the most mind boggling thing I've learned during Covid 19
— Otto English (@Otto_English) May 8, 2020

Your boss answering a simple yes or no question: pic.twitter.com/8uTFWpNyTV
— Shelby Wolstein (@ShelbyWolstein) May 8, 2020

35+ tinder is a different place pic.twitter.com/otPBAvINAR
— will (@fuckmarrywill) May 8, 2020

I recreated the puffy shirt scene from Seinfeld using zoom backgrounds pic.twitter.com/ncxc3eldpo
— Matt O'Brien (@matt_obrien) May 8, 2020

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: May 9, 2020

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