This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: May 9, 2020
May 2
None of your emails are finding me well
— Mohanad Elshieky (@MohanadElshieky) May 3, 2020
Very American to decide we are bored with COVID and therefore it is over
— Jeff Kasanoff (@JeffKasanoff) May 3, 2020
Georgia re-opened and had 2000 new confirmed cases in 3 days.
— Poppa (@GodKingToine) May 3, 2020
Stay y'all ass in the house man.
I feel like I'm trapped in a horror movie full of idiots who think the monster is dead
— Saladin Ahmed (@saladinahmed) May 2, 2020
You know the saying, April diseases bring May killer beeses
— Evie Nagy (@EvieN) May 3, 2020
This dude's Aunt Peggy is a straight-up savage: pic.twitter.com/KEgOf825cF
— Ellie Hall (@ellievhall) May 2, 2020
May 3
March: 😷
— Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) May 3, 2020
April: 😷👽
May: 😷👽🐝
June: 😷👽🐝 ????
*opens new incognito window* pic.twitter.com/dOwYUoHDrC
— Desus Nice (@desusnice) May 4, 2020
something about 8 x 7 equaling 56 don't sit right w me
— noor (@unoorthodox) May 3, 2020
when that locker room scene was filmed Kobe had only been in the league for 1.5 years and the ENTIRE EASTERN CONFERENCE ALL-STAR TEAM was already telling stories about playing against him.
— Rob Perez (@WorldWideWob) May 4, 2020
Okay well I wasn't there pic.twitter.com/cKCpsEgmxa
— Caroline Moss (@CarolineMoss) May 3, 2020
The more you know 💫 pic.twitter.com/qoM4iOMEEA
— Kamiko Uchiha ❗️ (@uchiha_kamiko) May 3, 2020
May 4
amanda palmer divorcing neil gaiman on patreon is tiger king for ukelele goths
— Charlie Chu (@CharlieChu) May 4, 2020
may divorce be with you pic.twitter.com/ATLpYzQdIN
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) May 4, 2020
you're telling me a random house published this book?
— christina (@floozyesq) May 5, 2020
Pubs in Ireland are closed until at least August 10.
— Marc Murphy (@MurphyCartoons) May 4, 2020
Pubs.
In Ireland.
But by all means let's open Cracker Barrel right now.
being a fuck rather than a marry or a kill is nothing to brag about. it's the lowest commitment. kill is the highest commitment which is why it's the biggest compliment.
— LB Hunktears (@hunktears) May 4, 2020
please rethink this john https://t.co/3ks4Xu18vt
— Emma Berquist (@eeberquist) May 5, 2020
Do people still do parkour or did all those guys die
— rock and roll photos (@rockanrollphoto) May 4, 2020
Universities are transitioning to remote learning for fall 2020.
— alexus (@alexuswah) May 4, 2020
Freshman... please go to a community college to knock out your gen ed classes. I'm telling you, you're going to save thousands of dollars
May 5
my wife just asked me if the https://t.co/KX8pNPT8Dq link was part of the the name and i said i didn't know https://t.co/00iue3EQNy
— MCK (@CruzKayne) May 5, 2020
the fuck is this?? pic.twitter.com/BFiOyY3zEo
— 𝕭𝖗𝖊𝖆𝖉𝖓𝖇𝖔𝖔𝖟𝖊 (@goodatsexguy) May 5, 2020
Just took an online IQ test and my score starts with an 7 but I have to pay $100 to see the second digit. Time to find out if I'm a genius!
— Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) May 6, 2020
Always make sure your homemade wine has fully fermented before opening... pic.twitter.com/WGKab8sdQo
— Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) May 5, 2020
Grimes taking X Æ A-12 home from the hospital pic.twitter.com/THGomaQLUu
— Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) May 5, 2020
2020: you can't hug your friends but for $6.32/mo you can see any of them naked
— Rachel McCartney (@RachelMComedy) May 5, 2020
im crying pic.twitter.com/YRIdEmpiuw
— allie (@juulgod50) May 5, 2020
george women bush pic.twitter.com/H3nvYSkPWU
— aaron (@aaronlikethecar) May 5, 2020
I THOUGHT KANGEROOS HAD A POUCH NOT A GAPING HOLE IN THEIR FLESH??????? pic.twitter.com/xFeSsyhTWM
— madelaine 🦇 (@jusdisappointin) May 5, 2020
Elon Musk and Grimes's son in the nursery pic.twitter.com/1Bj9Nf9rPr
— Macks (@maxholcomb0) May 5, 2020
I don't need a fat ass, I have SuperModel status. pic.twitter.com/kk6kxsReUx
— Jahdatta (@jahdatta) May 5, 2020
May 6
i've conducted my own independent investigation of this video and come to the conclusion that it's uh fucking sick? https://t.co/d2yAsYSIzr
— Max Tani (@maxwelltani) May 6, 2020
this aged well pic.twitter.com/utW11fXHzk
— daniel (@hey_whats_sup) May 6, 2020
The question on everyone's mind: will the new Rob Ford series explore the repercussions of this event? pic.twitter.com/FbVOl7PZY3
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) May 6, 2020
Dolly Parton writing "I Will Always Love You" and "Jolene" in the same day is mind blowing.
— Wenzler Powers (@WenzlerPowers) May 6, 2020
It'd be like if Da Vinci finished the Mona Lisa then turned around in the same day and wrote "Jolene"
god I love this site pic.twitter.com/HsJ8i4PeTJ
— keyvan (کیوان) (@shafieikeyvan) May 6, 2020
The year is 2020. Amidst a global pandemic, Guns N' Roses' Axl Rose says the Secretary of the Treasury and producer of Wonder Woman is "officially an asshole." In response, the Executive Producer of the Lego Movie asks what Rose has done for his country with the flag of Liberia. https://t.co/c0pMA3Hyqy
— Rob Lee (@RALee85) May 7, 2020
Everyone else is getting fit so I figured I would too. pic.twitter.com/2vSD2rIYJh
— Step Toilet 🚽 (@StephTolev) May 6, 2020
well-actually'ing the mother of his "child", moments after childbirth ... pic.twitter.com/anLt3vP9Ke
— SARAH SQUIRM (@SarahSquirm) May 6, 2020
i hate how u can't steal while shopping online 🙄🙄🙄🙄
— marie 🧚🏼♀️ (@riconastysstrap) May 7, 2020
I don't know why but the straightforwardness of this photo caption is making me laugh hysterically pic.twitter.com/TZy1CcaiXZ
— Amy Plitt (@plitter) May 6, 2020
May 7
WRITING TIP: When writing pilots, subtly bury characters' backstories in dialogue: "As a former NFL prospect who wrecked his arm in a karate accident and is now divorced and running my family's failing farm, I'll have a Coke." You think you just learned he likes Coke, but...
— Mike Scully (@scullymike) May 8, 2020
Three bullets colliding https://t.co/f5dUH9chAx
— Jlon2K (@Jlonwavves) May 7, 2020
In the last 24 hours I saw a black man murdered by a retired cop for exercising and a white man let off after pleading guilty twice
— Vali Chandrasekaran (@therealvali) May 7, 2020
I'm curious how many criminal cases have been dropped after a person pleaded guilty to lying to the FBI.
— Glenn Kessler (@GlennKesslerWP) May 7, 2020
Doesn't really prevent pregnancy but OK https://t.co/d6xxyJnpXW
— Hi it's Matt Collins (@mitchberghini) May 7, 2020
this is the one pic.twitter.com/KALvNSSbuA
— V (@digbickvibes) May 7, 2020
student forgot to delete their lovely dedication to all "the hoes who hated on them" in their thesis. I approve.
— Tressie McMillan Cottom (@tressiemcphd) May 7, 2020
My daughter is so over remote schooling she cut the computer cord. SHE WENT TO THE KITCHEN, GOT THE KITCHEN SHEARS AND CUT THE CORD
— Dan Saltzstein (@dansaltzstein) May 8, 2020
The two types of quarantine haircut. pic.twitter.com/o8ogMCegvr
— Wuthering Tweets™ (@TimDuffy) May 8, 2020
we told white people to wash their hands and practice proper hygiene and they started protesting
— gang (@chrishoee) May 7, 2020
May 8
Interesting, next time acknowledge the author pic.twitter.com/gChTvuFvW7
— M Danny R 🇿🇦 (@danielranoko) May 8, 2020
The world would be bleak without DoorDash drivers pic.twitter.com/kidZRKuCyb
— decent pigeon (@decentbirthday) May 8, 2020
Holy shit https://t.co/RqJAP4eRqG
— Doctor Necrotic Doom (@Vordb) May 8, 2020
Trump's grandfather died in the 1918 flu pandemic and the subsequent life insurance policy that paid out created the Trump fortune. This is the most mind boggling thing I've learned during Covid 19
— Otto English (@Otto_English) May 8, 2020
Your boss answering a simple yes or no question: pic.twitter.com/8uTFWpNyTV
— Shelby Wolstein (@ShelbyWolstein) May 8, 2020
35+ tinder is a different place pic.twitter.com/otPBAvINAR
— will (@fuckmarrywill) May 8, 2020
I recreated the puffy shirt scene from Seinfeld using zoom backgrounds pic.twitter.com/ncxc3eldpo
— Matt O'Brien (@matt_obrien) May 8, 2020