JISLORD, alligator accord, how a farmer scored, when votes are ignored, and much more from this week in funny tweets.<br>
<br>
<strong>April 29</strong><br>
&nbsp;
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">When we kissing and my precum reveals a single alligator imma be embarrassed <a href="https://t.co/ZYnQZ6rNcw">https://t.co/ZYnQZ6rNcw</a></p>
— A.D.A.R.I.U.S. (@DariBelafonte) <a href="https://twitter.com/DariBelafonte/status/1520176233136328709?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 29, 2022</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="und" dir="ltr"><a href="https://t.co/Bk2xJrnCSI">pic.twitter.com/Bk2xJrnCSI</a></p>
— abdullah (@sidkyab) <a href="https://twitter.com/sidkyab/status/1520177551792128000?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 29, 2022</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Is it just me or is giving a shit about people considered far left now?</p>
— CHOOSY (@CH005Y) <a href="https://twitter.com/CH005Y/status/1520233064726765571?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 30, 2022</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.</p>
— Sunny Eaton (@SunnyEaton) <a href="https://twitter.com/SunnyEaton/status/1520265526446067717?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 30, 2022</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger's fists &amp; ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.<br>
<br>
I've done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals<br>
<br>
Recently I did this with a farmer.<br>
<br>
ADVICE: DON'T</p>
— Paul Stewart (@DrPStewart) <a href="https://twitter.com/DrPStewart/status/1520124254251069442?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 29, 2022</a></blockquote>
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<strong>April 30</strong><br>
&nbsp;
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">My brother?! IN christ?!? <a href="https://t.co/cV5Tn9BmM9">pic.twitter.com/cV5Tn9BmM9</a></p>
— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) <a href="https://twitter.com/roastmalone_/status/1520560085595947012?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 1, 2022</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="und" dir="ltr"><a href="https://t.co/s54KYim7E6">pic.twitter.com/s54KYim7E6</a></p>
— ‱ (@ntkvby) <a href="https://twitter.com/ntkvby/status/1520430625559396352?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 30, 2022</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Imagine being dragged this hard 2000 years after you were dead—devastating <a href="https://t.co/JzHO3TOh0M">pic.twitter.com/JzHO3TOh0M</a></p>
— Emily Murnane (@emily_murnane) <a href="https://twitter.com/emily_murnane/status/1520612577742491649?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 1, 2022</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">This woman is deadlifting very very badly and I want to advise her on her form. But she's recording her session. I'm not tryna end up on a tiktok</p>
— w⚓️ (@kwasi_29) <a href="https://twitter.com/kwasi_29/status/1520350564814569472?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 30, 2022</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">people who are insecure interpret every behavior they witness as performative, bc it would be from them <a href="https://t.co/OO1NUwuoDA">https://t.co/OO1NUwuoDA</a></p>
— Ayesha A. Siddiqi (@AyeshaASiddiqi) <a href="https://twitter.com/AyeshaASiddiqi/status/1520482385766268928?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 30, 2022</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Diners, Drive-ins and Dives chef: alright we call this the slop bucket. Basically its a bunch of slop in a bucket and we cover it in cheese. My mentally ill grandpa started making it in 1936<br>
<br>
Guy Fieri: Awesome job hombre tastes great</p>
— Losing it (@prophethusband) <a href="https://twitter.com/prophethusband/status/1520635688424669185?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 1, 2022</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">boy dogs are so embarrassinnngggg!!! like why is your peepee out rn i'm trynna take a picture 😭</p>
— Ivyprofen 💊✨ (@IvyKungu) <a href="https://twitter.com/IvyKungu/status/1520567600853438464?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 1, 2022</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">i asked my four year old why she wouldn't clean up her play- doh and she said "it doesn't make my heart happy" like ok marie kondo u win</p>
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) <a href="https://twitter.com/ElyKreimendahl/status/1520487504893382660?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 30, 2022</a></blockquote>
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<strong>May 1</strong><br>
&nbsp;
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Happy May Day to all who celebrate <a href="https://t.co/6DNDnka9sn">pic.twitter.com/6DNDnka9sn</a></p>
— The American Caliban (@substitute) <a href="https://twitter.com/substitute/status/1520651216908275714?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 1, 2022</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">So many Black Lives Matter flags in unaffordable apartments where Black family homes used to be.</p>
— Mars 🌙 (@MarsinCharge) <a href="https://twitter.com/MarsinCharge/status/1520848719033384961?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 1, 2022</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex... Mam that's my DAD</p>
— Sesla (@SessyKhiba) <a href="https://twitter.com/SessyKhiba/status/1520853221010513921?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 1, 2022</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">My 7yo just now, after asking me today's date:<br>
<br>
"Whew! Last day of Ramadan! You're cooking a big Eid feast tomorrow right?"<br>
<br>
Dear reader, we are not Muslim 😭</p>
— la negra tiene tumbao (@beequammie) <a href="https://twitter.com/beequammie/status/1520919134254637056?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 2, 2022</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don't speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now? <a href="https://t.co/5EB5ST0t1T">pic.twitter.com/5EB5ST0t1T</a></p>
— Elisabeth Ingram Wallace (@ingram_wallace) <a href="https://twitter.com/ingram_wallace/status/1520675255269928961?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 1, 2022</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="und" dir="ltr"><a href="https://t.co/FqqrPyIcVm">pic.twitter.com/FqqrPyIcVm</a></p>
— Strangest Media Online (@StrangestMedia) <a href="https://twitter.com/StrangestMedia/status/1520853331572314112?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 1, 2022</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">*reads TLDR*<br>
<br>
everyone: too long, didn't read<br>
<br>
my brain: The Lord Da Rings</p>
— Firaga Walk With Me (@firagawalkwthme) <a href="https://twitter.com/firagawalkwthme/status/1520910769227022336?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 1, 2022</a></blockquote>
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<strong>May 2</strong>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Shout out to all the people taking down mini Ukraine flags from their cars today to put up mini Toronto Maple Leaf flags.</p>
— Jordan Foisy (@JordanFoisy) <a href="https://twitter.com/JordanFoisy/status/1521145500036222976?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 2, 2022</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">I don't think anyone should have any fun until we fix everything</p>
— Chris Locke (@chrislockeworld) <a href="https://twitter.com/chrislockeworld/status/1521320769187426304?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 3, 2022</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">This is the scariest maze game I've ever played <a href="https://t.co/47w8eKxTg1">pic.twitter.com/47w8eKxTg1</a></p>
— The Most Cyberbullied Kid in the World (@paynushaver) <a href="https://twitter.com/paynushaver/status/1521098422127800320?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 2, 2022</a></blockquote>
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<strong>May 3</strong>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">i have seen enough <a href="https://t.co/uDVMdGZEA1">pic.twitter.com/uDVMdGZEA1</a></p>
— KnowNothing (@KnowNothingTV) <a href="https://twitter.com/KnowNothingTV/status/1521636506242277376?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 3, 2022</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">if it's possible I would love to be living through less history. fewer history if I could</p>
— danielle weisberg (@danielleweisber) <a href="https://twitter.com/danielleweisber/status/1521688511744643073?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 4, 2022</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">"the constitution does not reference the right to an abortion" the constitution does not reference women</p>
— alyssugh (@alystentothis) <a href="https://twitter.com/alystentothis/status/1521482244266811392?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 3, 2022</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">I was against abortion until I was 14 and talked to literally one woman about it some of you should try that out</p>
— Casey James Salengo (@caseyJsalengo) <a href="https://twitter.com/caseyJsalengo/status/1521637734808444935?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 3, 2022</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">i have voted in every election and midterm i could since i turned 18, i cannot vote more than i possibly have. wtf else do i need to vote on? american idol? american song contest? the voice? will that get it done?</p>
— ashley ray (@theeashleyray) <a href="https://twitter.com/theeashleyray/status/1521516483687239680?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 3, 2022</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Love the argument that we can't have rights because we have a deeply rooted history of not having rights.</p>
— Robyn (@hmntre) <a href="https://twitter.com/hmntre/status/1521467743933014018?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 3, 2022</a></blockquote>
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<strong>May 4</strong><br>
&nbsp;
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Growing up poor makes you cheap in the funniest ways. Anyways gotta force myself to buy an umbrella</p>
— slorote (@slorote) <a href="https://twitter.com/slorote/status/1521852575108284416?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 4, 2022</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">dr seuss: it's a cat in a hat<br>
<br>
me: oh my god that's cute<br>
<br>
dr seuss: he's 6'4. and it's a weird hat<br>
<br>
me: what the hell man</p>
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) <a href="https://twitter.com/PleaseBeGneiss/status/1522035207360040961?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 5, 2022</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">My coworker just told a person giving them unnecessary attitude "I hope you direct that energy to a place that's productive to you cause this isn't working" 😭😭 def stealing that.</p>
— SueWoo (@SueVavoom) <a href="https://twitter.com/SueVavoom/status/1521921614711070720?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 4, 2022</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">So let me get this straight…Conservatives are in power no matter who is president and who is in congress right? 🤔</p>
— F**K COVID and WYT SUPREMACY! 💕✨💕🌈🥰💕 (@n0nepizza) <a href="https://twitter.com/n0nepizza/status/1521897007639674882?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 4, 2022</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">I tweet this every time men decide it's time to make decisions about women's bodies, but my ex boyfriend thought all women got their period on the 15th of the month. He was 26 at the time.</p>
— Sabrina (@Sabrinafon) <a href="https://twitter.com/Sabrinafon/status/1521981744668454913?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 4, 2022</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">"if you don't want to get pregnant, don't have sex" yeah that's really easy for you to say Mr. Bitchless</p>
— ♡ ʝȶ ♥︎ (@Simp4Sluts) <a href="https://twitter.com/Simp4Sluts/status/1521951239155585025?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 4, 2022</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">I just saw someone tweet that women protesting are lonely losers who don't get laid. Sir, it's the opposite that's literally why we're protesting. We gettin blasted TOO much.</p>
— Marcella Arguello (@marcellacomedy) <a href="https://twitter.com/marcellacomedy/status/1521883351249870848?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 4, 2022</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">I can't stop laughing at Republican dudes calling women who are rallying for abortion rights "cat ladies" who can't get a date. What do they think causes the need for an abortion</p>
— Laura Bassett (@LEBassett) <a href="https://twitter.com/LEBassett/status/1521881575994048513?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 4, 2022</a></blockquote>
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<strong>May 5</strong>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Must be nice to have control over who's inside you <a href="https://t.co/yFuHml7QEY">https://t.co/yFuHml7QEY</a></p>
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) <a href="https://twitter.com/TheDweck/status/1522250727187382272?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 5, 2022</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">I have faith that one day we will get to the bottom of why neither women nor abortion are mentioned in a document that was written by 55 men in 1787.</p>
— Andrew Wortman 🏳️‍🌈🇺🇦🇺🇸 (@AmoneyResists) <a href="https://twitter.com/AmoneyResists/status/1522123137483255808?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 5, 2022</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Me: oh, the coco pops monkey *definitely* has he/they energy 😂<br>
<br>
My mum: your cousin just bought a house</p>
— James Greig (@jamesdgreig) <a href="https://twitter.com/jamesdgreig/status/1522221217612132354?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 5, 2022</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">First rate spam text, this is the one to beat, folks <a href="https://t.co/vhSIkab1Ek">pic.twitter.com/vhSIkab1Ek</a></p>
— Joe McAdam (@joemcadam) <a href="https://twitter.com/joemcadam/status/1522425091593674752?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 6, 2022</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Chris Smalls rocking an Eat the Rich jacket in the oval office next to the President. Iconic. <a href="https://t.co/UJwovQyPWJ">pic.twitter.com/UJwovQyPWJ</a></p>
— Read Becoming Abolitionists by Derecka Purnell (@JoshuaPotash) <a href="https://twitter.com/JoshuaPotash/status/1522309136565866499?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 5, 2022</a></blockquote>
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Vish Khanna

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: May 6, 2022

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