This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: May 4, 2018
Hey — quick questch for people who put their seats back on planes: what, psychologically, is wrong with you— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) April 28, 2018
Here's the whole wonderful thing https://t.co/cnclc7fBCK— SpottedNigel (@SpottedNigel) April 29, 2018
Trump megafails while trying to use an umbrella upon his return to DC pic.twitter.com/re15WrSOmV— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) April 29, 2018
The older I get the more I understand why my grandmother never let anyone load the dishes in her dishwasher— Rhea Butcher 🛠🇵🇷 (@RheaButcher) April 28, 2018
Comedian ends comedy dinner by saying that Flint still doesn't have clean water, an attempt to point out Washington's continued neglect of people who need help.— Jon Favreau (@jonfavs) April 29, 2018
Washington responds with a rigorous debate about the tone and civility of the comedian's jokes.
When you're the mouthpiece for tearing families apart daily, scamming PoC out of their voting rights & generally looting the Fed govt to gift billions to the wealthiest while dry-fucking the poor, you're goddamned right you have to sit there & absorb a few jokes. Boo fucking hoo.— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) April 29, 2018
nice fuckin try paint store pic.twitter.com/gPRaqKVMNW— Chip Zdarsky (@zdarsky) April 29, 2018
This will forever be the best video on the internet 😂😂 pic.twitter.com/2rgsZgwvk3— Nature is Amazing 🌴 (@AMAZlNGNATURE) April 29, 2018
trump: all immigrants are criminals— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) April 30, 2018
pundits: wow the president's fiery rhetoric has rallied his passionate base
michelle wolf: sarah huckabee sanders is a liar
pundits: ugh unbelievable. a disrespectful and inappropriate comment
Not surprising that the press missed that the joke was about Huckabee Sanders being a liar. They refuse to report on the fact that she's a liar literally every day while she's lying to them.— Ashley Nicole Black Panther (@ashleyn1cole) April 29, 2018
I have comedian friends who've done #WHCD. Many writer friends who've written WHCD jokes. I always advised them precisely on the line they shouldn't cross. I respected the line. They did too but still they made mistakes.— Lawrence O'Donnell (@Lawrence) April 29, 2018
Then Trump destroyed the line.
THERE IS NO LINE.
A conservative said 12-year-old Chelsea Clinton was "the White House dog."— Adam Best (@adamcbest) April 29, 2018
A conservative said Michelle Obama should "return to being a male and let loose in the outback of Zimbabwe."
But Michelle Wolf's tame Sarah Huckabee Sanders makeup burn at #WHCD was over the line? GTFO.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders lies to the American people almost every day and defends the lies, incompetence and cruel behavior of the most unqualified and embarrassing President in modern times. You think the jokes last night were harsh? Wait until history has its way with her.— billy eichner (@billyeichner) April 29, 2018
The coach told this kid to run home as fast as he can and this is what he did 😂 pic.twitter.com/3jX817BIkc— Kent Murphy (@KentMurphy) April 30, 2018
"'It's why America hates the out of touch leftist media elite,' Ms. Schlapp tweeted from a limousine en route to an exclusive after-party organized by NBC/MSNBC." https://t.co/C8y9UZlkL7— Kyle Griffin (@kylegriffin1) May 1, 2018
32 senior WH officials have said John Kelly has referred to President Trump behind his back as an "idiot", "a stupid bitch", "a monkey-fucking asswipe", "a friggin classic loser", "a straight up dumb motherfucker" and "a moronic shitbag with a big smelly ass"— Ike Barinholtz (@ikebarinholtz) May 1, 2018
Therapist: What's wrong?— Jon (@ArfMeasures) April 30, 2018
Me: If I do the Borat voice once more, I'll be getting a divorce
Therapist: And who told you that?
Me: *tearfully clears throat*
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread— rachel axler (@rachelaxler) May 1, 2018
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread's a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Do I need to see all Jurassic Park movies to understand a Toronto Raptors game?— chris locke (@chrislockefun) May 2, 2018
I think the success of GoFundMe campaigns for medical expenses shows that we could probably do it on a national level, creating a collective fund for everyone using something called "taxes," and we can use it to pay for a thing I've invented called "universal health care."— Chuck Wendig (@ChuckWendig) May 1, 2018
Facebook is launching an online dating feature. Which is different from their current online dating feature of showing you who your ex is dating.— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) May 2, 2018
i'm gonna design sex robots with such advanced AI that they still reject incels— i bless the rains down in Castamere (@Chinchillazllla) May 2, 2018
my personal theory? i think kanye's being blackmailed into supporting trump. like what if someone has a videotape of his wife having sex with another guy— Dave King (@DaveKingThing) May 2, 2018
Trump faked a doctor's note to become president and no one cares. If I faked a doctors note to get a standing desk I'd be fired.— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) May 2, 2018
Here's the moment Rudy Giuliani told Sean Hannity that "they funneled the [$130,000] through a law firm, and the president repaid it." pic.twitter.com/XWGKE77Ysq— Caroline O. (@RVAwonk) May 3, 2018
Rudy Giuliani is the Tami Lahren of lawyers.— andy lassner (@andylassner) May 3, 2018
The rare but entertaining double flop pic.twitter.com/o9lE99kEYI— Born Salty (@cjzero) May 3, 2018
As of tonight, Giuliani has so far done more public legal damage to Trump than Mueller has.— Lawrence O'Donnell (@Lawrence) May 3, 2018
It's really clever how the Deep State got Rudy Giuliani to show the world that Trump and Cohen lied about the payment to Stormy Daniels. And it used @seanhannity for this operation. Fiendishly smart!— David Corn (@DavidCornDC) May 3, 2018
Infowars took this down lol so just gonna leave this here pic.twitter.com/erBolHnNRz— dasha (@nobody_stop_me) May 2, 2018
the only surprising part about Rudy Giuliani saying Trump repaid Michael Cohen the $130,000 he gave Stormy Daniels is that Trump repaid a debt— Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) May 3, 2018
Rudy Giuliani married his cousin. Trump wants to date his daughter. Pence calls his wife "Mother". This is the shittiest episode of Game of Thrones I've ever seen.— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) May 3, 2018
Trump leads National Prayer Day event after saying he repaid lawyer for hush money to porn star https://t.co/iS6ZkBy9LV— CNBC (@CNBC) May 3, 2018
Aaaand he did it again. Explaining why Cohen paid the hush money to Stormy Daniels, #RudyGiuliani says:— Caroline O. (@RVAwonk) May 3, 2018
"Imagine if that came out on October 15, 2016, in the middle of the last debate with Hillary Clinton."
So... yea, he just tied the payment directly to the campaign. pic.twitter.com/yiu3Zg7ZYO
Rudy Giuliani had one good day and that was the worst day in American history.— God (@TheTweetOfGod) May 3, 2018
Here's a thought: the NBA should make the best player in the world its MVP and not the person with the best "narrative" that year. pic.twitter.com/sZa0k3zarO— Mikel Jollett (@Mikel_Jollett) May 4, 2018
Honestly, I feel sorta bad for the LeBron haters at this point. Imagine not allowing yourself to enjoy watching LeBron James play basketball... That must suck— Tommy Beer (@TommyBeer) May 4, 2018
"We give the very best information we have at the time." This is who respected journalists embarrassed themselves defending last weekend. pic.twitter.com/FvEtCnpHXg— shauna (@goldengateblond) May 3, 2018
What in the world did I just watch pic.twitter.com/4eudpGAxp0— Liam Donovan (@LPDonovan) May 3, 2018
*hiding Waldo's ashes* it's what he would have wanted— Jon (@ArfMeasures) May 4, 2018
"My favorite meat is hot dog, by the way. That is my favorite meat" Romney said. "My second favorite meat is hamburger. And everyone says, oh don't you prefer steak? It's like, I know steaks are great but I like hot dog best and I like hamburger next best" https://t.co/DbYn951L9k— Matt Viser (@mviser) May 4, 2018
#StarWarsDay always reminds Me of the time I told Jesus I was his father and he had the same reaction Luke did.— God (@TheTweetOfGod) May 4, 2018
I don't even do anal movies, you ignorant twat. That's like saying you are known for your beautiful rendition of The Star Spangled Banner. https://t.co/azOOZMDGdw— Stormy Daniels (@StormyDaniels) May 4, 2018