This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: May 27, 2022
May 20
— good reddit (@GoodReddit) May 20, 2022
You want me to get a husband???The thing that killed everyone on Dateline???
— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) May 21, 2022
Liza Minnelli has outlived Pete Davidson's time on Saturday Night Live. Ariana Grande, Kate Beckinsale and Kaia Gerber's ex-boyfriend (and Kim Kardashian's current) is leaving after 8 seasons
— LizaMinnelliOutlives (@LiZaOutlives) May 20, 2022
No and the mf is literally turning 99 this week
— Is Henry Kissinger Dead Yet? (@DidKissingerD1e) May 20, 2022
Hi, this is real pic.twitter.com/pD1ihAH5Xc
— Layla Benson (@BaelaLayla) May 21, 2022
This is terrible advice https://t.co/gC6S6dWPmg
— Zito (@_Zeets) May 20, 2022
How it started. How it's going. pic.twitter.com/OWDDbnj7pn
— New York Times Pitchbot (@DougJBalloon) May 20, 2022
May 21
"Sir, please calm down, its literally my first day" pic.twitter.com/SE3pz0ayqs
— memes i wish i could tag my cat in (@memesiwish) May 21, 2022
WOW😳😳 pic.twitter.com/fkCYiiSf3d
— HoodFamousTV (@HoodFamousTV_) May 21, 2022
How do you expect me to go to sleep after learning the US Government has hidden 1.4 billion pounds of cheese in a system of caves under Springfield, Missouri
— Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) May 22, 2022
Guard dog duty… #dogs pic.twitter.com/DqzT4k2A2t
— AGuyandAGolden (@aguyandagolden) May 21, 2022
These rent prices are looking very RELATIONSHIP to me.
— JÅHĀ (@HeshimaSpeaks) May 21, 2022
It's wild that they make movies that are essentially 100% green screen and computer effects. Did you know Ratatouille wasn't even filmed in France?
— Ron Iver (@ronnui_) May 21, 2022
Uh I'm at a John Mulaney show and the opener is kinda out of pocket… pic.twitter.com/52ctZnxMUO
— screenplay understander (@asinglefather) May 22, 2022
A little Elon Musk gossip from my brother. Musk claims that he was in Physics class of 97 at Penn. But my brother has a clipping from the Daily Pennsylvanian with all names and photos from his graduating class in physics. No Musk. No one remembers him being there. No one saw him.
— gemini wahhaj (@WahhajGemini) May 22, 2022
May 22
why would anyone choose to go big when the alternative is getting to go home
— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) May 22, 2022
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) May 22, 2022
me: can you tell my boss that
2nd walk was PISSED she running late for the blood sacrifice https://t.co/wfB7OcbDyJ
— taraji p henchmen (@theeluvvbelow) May 23, 2022
The greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing us we were good people for cutting up the 6 pack plastic rings BEFORE we threw them into the ocean forever
— caitie delaney (@caitiedelaney) May 23, 2022
On the real @CBCNews a reporter talking about wind storms in Ontario said, "climate change is exacerbating things, but it's not that simple", then they showed a clip of a climatologist saying it is that simple. It's sometimes hard to distinguish parody from the real thing. https://t.co/JpJ6LjWKSh
— Trevor Parsons (@DartmouthCommon) May 22, 2022
Dasani water taste like it's been sitting in a water gun
— bandit 👼🏿 (@kinkyybandit) May 22, 2022
y'all keep rapping but we need electricians
— l¡ko 𖦹 (@pradaliko) May 22, 2022
if you ever feel bad about yourself just remember there's someone out there paying for youtube premium
— kira 👾 (@kirawontmiss) May 22, 2022
You never know what you're gonna find in an old Cosmo in a waiting room. pic.twitter.com/IDMrumEzuG
— maggie serota (@maggieserota) May 22, 2022
Sounds pretty bad, Googling "Roman Polanski France crime" to learn more about this https://t.co/7dZlutnSfK
— Zack Budryk (@BudrykZack) May 22, 2022
I had to look it up. 444 of these were Covid https://t.co/EcxVcmUldQ
— Alex Peter (@LolOverruled) May 22, 2022
Academia summed up in one photo: pic.twitter.com/nSpITvBhDH
— AJ 🥸 (@ajiswriting) May 22, 2022
shoutout to the uber eats driver who showed up and left 31 cheeseburgers with a baby like "this is not my fuckin problem" https://t.co/whw9AdEKTY
— Miss Gender, More Like Miss Banger (@girldrawsghosts) May 23, 2022
Twitter needs this.. ☺️ pic.twitter.com/5c4SUihNU9
— Buitengebieden (@buitengebieden) May 22, 2022
Goodbye legends #SNL pic.twitter.com/0ZahvD9XC4
— Jillian Sederholm (@JillianSed) May 22, 2022
May 23
Pete Davidson really worked one of the most demanding jobs in show business with the energy of a seasonal temp employee and I commend him for that.
— Kady Ruth (@kady_ruth) May 23, 2022
Your record label is making you make tik toks? That's cool we all work full time jobs
— Lab Tea (@LabTeaBand) May 23, 2022
Prob was better when the world aint acknowledge it cuz "ITS THE FREEDOM FOR ME" is wild dawg lol pic.twitter.com/MjyRLGwj41
— WHATEVERYOUWANN (@DRWANNLUTHAKING) May 23, 2022
You got it brother pic.twitter.com/6ln1ndrYnf
— Guy Montgomery (@guy_mont) May 24, 2022
My buddy who works at Area 51 said inspector gadget is real
— pj (@pjayevans) May 23, 2022
and the reviews are in! pic.twitter.com/RLZw5cHINU
— thomas violence (@thomas_violence) May 24, 2022
The perfect sign doesn't exi- pic.twitter.com/fhqwsiN1DB
— Phil Clifton (@philclifton) May 24, 2022
My daughter's PS has Covid notifications in almost every class - 30 kids away across her year level last week. So tomorrow they're holding grandparents day. This is where grandparents are invited in to spend time in the kids classrooms. You literally can't make this stuff up.
— Celia Green (@1CeliaGreen) May 23, 2022
Found some public safety drawings about the dangers of electrocution from the 1930's and pic.twitter.com/6VDq93LeS6
— Microplastics Enjoyer (@EclecticHams) May 23, 2022
May 24
guy who pronounces LGBT as "el jibbity"
— make up a guy (@makeupaguy) May 24, 2022
listen, there are responsible gun owners who just enjoying hunting and I want to make it clear that I don't care at all and they can find literally any other hobby
— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) May 25, 2022
Joe Biden really on here tweeting "is there anything we can do" bro we're fucked
— abby govindan (@abbygov) May 25, 2022
Ya gotta vote folks! Want this to stop? Vote! Already voted? Keep voting! When we all vote & keep voting we'll eventually unlock access to UltraVoting! What happens with UltraVote? Still mass slaughter every other week but coupons for a FREE medium drink with ANY mass slaughter!
— Paul F. Tompkins (@PFTompkins) May 25, 2022
A government bold enough to force you to have a kid but too weak to ensure that they can at least get through recess alive.
— Kalen Allen (@TheKalenAllen) May 24, 2022
Matty whispering into the ear of a 6 year old as they bleed out, then turning to the parents of their just slaughtered child: https://t.co/bq39tlbkBL
— david cross✍ (@davidcrosss) May 25, 2022
May 25
Why are they trying to arm teachers? They can't even arm them with markers or books for their classrooms. Make that make any sense
— Liz Jenkins (@ej11lizzie) May 25, 2022
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in "pants"
— Kate 💭 (@Kateness8) May 25, 2022
I recently met a woman who hunts dear with a bow and arrow. Now every time I hear the "I use guns for hunting" argument, I'm going to say "oh you use a gun? I guess you aren't as hard core as Jennifer"
— Rosa Escandón (@humancomedian) May 25, 2022
They keep telling us that what they've never tried to do won't help.
— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) May 26, 2022
I was in high school when columbine happened and I remember the biggest action they took was immediately banning Marilyn Manson and trench coats
— river butcher 🤠 (@rivbutcher) May 25, 2022
Nothing says ban assault rifles like cops being scared of the shooter who has one.
— Kevin ☕️🎶 (@KevinSixx13) May 26, 2022
May 26
Entire U.S. Police Force Flees Country After Hearing Gunman Inside Nation https://t.co/zknaoDPclG pic.twitter.com/9vp3JlMFxH
— The Onion (@TheOnion) May 26, 2022
this is self care pic.twitter.com/D8rC517tsD
— mrs. iglesias (@apesgonewiild) May 26, 2022
Toronto drivers crash into buildings on a semi-regular basis, but it's a little on the nose to crash directly into a bike shop. pic.twitter.com/PMveu4sQiq
— Alex Mather (@AlexDRMather) May 26, 2022
I just said to my wife "Ray Liotta died" and she shouted back "Baby Yoda died?!" I cleared up the confusion. Not the most moving tribute, but it happened.
— Jake Fogelnest (@jakefogelnest) May 26, 2022
get his ass sammy pic.twitter.com/zmtnNdPsQa
— ceeks (@70Ceeks) May 27, 2022