Throwing star summer y'all, orcas heed the proletariat call, ChatGPT takes it all, Carmelo Anthony rebounded the ball, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

May 19

I think about this interaction at least 1x/day pic.twitter.com/YAFBi5Fyyw
— Alex Cohen (@anothercohen) May 20, 2023

Hey guys sorry if I haven't been as active on here lately I've been training orcas to attack boats
— Thor Benson (@thor_benson) May 20, 2023

The summer of whatever it is Daniel Day-Lewis is trying to do has begun. pic.twitter.com/jcDj6mGw8d
— Kevin Clark (@bykevinclark) May 19, 2023

This is how you eat Italian Pizza....👍😄 pic.twitter.com/loVxXpEDgJ
— The Best (@Figensport) May 19, 2023

Me after airballing everything but remembering my chicken strips are on the way: https://t.co/jltHOkyKKz pic.twitter.com/QRyYLXuNMt
— Charlie Sundin (@SunnyDCharChar) May 20, 2023

This woman just loudly asked the nail tech, who was born and raised here, how she likes life in the states. When the tech looked puzzled, she said it slower and louder. Before I could speak, another customer said, 'Lady, she's literally American, pls be quiet.'
— Ororo Munroe Jr. (@DPMCanty) May 19, 2023

Lied. The word is lied. She lied. Lots. https://t.co/Gz5mKZg1Dg
— Kikki Planets (@KikkiPlanet) May 20, 2023

my partner's been out of town for 6 days while I'm home w 2 kids and we're officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like "yeah girl grab me another one too"
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) May 20, 2023

There's only one reporter you'd want for this story pic.twitter.com/uSW0wES5Yr
— Gary Taphouse (@garytaphouse) May 19, 2023

I am a:
⚪ male
⚪ female
⚪ nonbinary
🔘 orca

Interested in:
⚪ men
⚪ women
⚪ nonbinaries
🔘 sinking boats in Europe
— Roxi Horror 💀🌸 (@roxiqt) May 20, 2023

applauding the orcas that are deliberately attacking the luxury yachts during the climate crisis https://t.co/LoXesMpzhF
— David Sirota (@davidsirota) May 19, 2023

this is what unions can do for you https://t.co/uSugWSiROy
— Ashley Feinberg (@ashleyfeinberg) May 19, 2023

May 20

an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
— Ygrene™ (@Ygrene) May 20, 2023

*best joke ever written pic.twitter.com/f4Eh9BuGfn
— It's Literally Richard Stott (@TheRstott) May 20, 2023

pic.twitter.com/ytcQxqEaoj
— monica (@waystarroyhoe) May 21, 2023

That mosquito you can't find but you hear it pic.twitter.com/vObPYTCOYr
— KASHMIR. (@thisiskashmir) May 21, 2023

L.A. Gangsta Rap in the 90s was insane. They would diss the hell outta their enemies for two verses, then give you an 8 bar saxophone solo
— DJ R-Tistic (@DJRTistic) May 20, 2023

{concert}

lead singer: WHO'S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
— kim (@KimmyMonte) May 20, 2023

Me about to start reading a new book: Uh oh this is going to be a lot of work!!!

Me reading a book: Awww yeah! It's my good friends, words, up to their old tricks again!!!
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) May 20, 2023

Your boss isn't your dad, they're someone richer than you who's trying to use your labor to make themselves even more rich than you, and you should always try to shake every collective dollar you can out of them. https://t.co/G8TzzYJFKq
— all my teams want me dead (@PanasonicDX4500) May 21, 2023

It's never wise to poke the bear 🫣 pic.twitter.com/YJbeqUzV6i
— NBACentral (@TheNBACentral) May 20, 2023

Poor intern forgot she was on the Wizards account 💀 pic.twitter.com/H49fmqE56A
— Dwight (@Doty_Dwight_99) May 20, 2023

The way she skedaddled 😭🤣🤣🤣 pic.twitter.com/0UbXBM7z39
— Mesh🇧🇧 (@rahsh33m) May 20, 2023

i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life's short but now he's my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
— You Will Find Your People is out now📕NYC 5/26 (@hellolanemoore) May 20, 2023

All of North America is blanketed in horrible smoke because a few libertarian staffers in Alberta decided to cut 2 million dollars from our firefighting budget 🤷🏻
— The Star Trek Professor 🖖 (@tedmccoy) May 20, 2023

After you finally decide to sign up for a gym pic.twitter.com/jFwSbpWfyU
— The Best (@Figensport) May 20, 2023

Maybe you gotta cut out the squares https://t.co/5KbfBj78BE
— Mik. | Designer & Organizer (@OkSoMik) May 20, 2023

It's throwing star summer y'all pic.twitter.com/LAdyRO7Ajs
— Horrora Borealis (@horroraborealis) May 20, 2023

Why is there a gun? 🤔 pic.twitter.com/f0d2uTzjd1
— David Leavitt 🍕🎮🎲🧙‍♂️ (@David_Leavitt) May 20, 2023

May 21

When the Zoom host is like "can everyone hear me ok?" pic.twitter.com/JjYvpEwpEq
— Billy Hurley (@BillyHurls) May 21, 2023

i'm whatever the opposite of a hypochondriac is. if something's wrong with my body frankly it's none of my business
— majo la maja (@Majonotyoho) May 21, 2023

noho hank pic.twitter.com/j1hkEwpGjU
— kailyn 👨🏻‍🦲👨🏽 barry spoilers (@wehohank_) May 22, 2023

James Cromwell took down Logan Roy at his funeral and made first contact with Vulcans and recently saved a pig. Give him a Nobel prize please
— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) May 22, 2023

Yes We Can! pic.twitter.com/Yp9PSDpbY2
— Waystar Corncob💦🥩 📈🌽 (@WaystarCorncob) May 22, 2023

every season james cromwell shows up in one episode of succession and just shoots buckets for ten straight minutes. absolute icon
— John DiLillo (@JohnDiLillo) May 22, 2023

This came to me in a dream pic.twitter.com/z8Z5oJ89tN
— Ben Vandelay (@BenJavert1) May 22, 2023

just urgently need everyone else on earth to know what it looks like when there's an island event and the oscar meyer weinermobile has to take the local ferry, thanks pic.twitter.com/JdcszUC9Xf
— 🧃you or someone you love🧃 (@hannahmsays) May 21, 2023

bedbugs are throwing a coachella in her apartment as we speak https://t.co/QRzjuX6fBz
— Hurt CoPain (@SaeedDiCaprio) May 21, 2023

has anyone seen my heavily squirted-on couch? i put it out on the sidewalk to dry this morning and now it's gone. it looks like this. pic.twitter.com/kF4ZaNfDpp
— emmy (@emmycantread) May 21, 2023

New York. The city that never sleeps. But that's all about to change. That's because I've released 200 kg of Melatonin into the city's water supply. It's finally time for this city to get the sleep it so desperately deserves. Rest easy, NY, Zachy's here. pic.twitter.com/SoJ2Sp2xWX
— zach kagan (@zakagan) May 21, 2023

Zaslav getting hit with a Pay Your Writers chant in Boston. This is so good. pic.twitter.com/00pL4ahAqZ
— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) May 21, 2023

My hot take is that Ch*tGPT is free right now because it needs you to feed it your stories, essays, and poems for free, and when it's done taking all you have, they'll put it all behind a paywall.
— Kimberly Nguyen (@knguyenpoetry) May 21, 2023

AI could never do this pic.twitter.com/7a7dCmU9Fy
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) May 22, 2023

The world is heating up and will soon be uninhabitable. You know what else is heating up? Mcdonalds new apple pie! Served hot like ocean temperatures! There's not much time left on this offer or on our lives. Come on down! McDonald's. It's almost over.
— eddie pepitone (@eddiepepitone) May 21, 2023

BREAKING NEWS: BBC reports that Frank & Fran Blair have been granted an alternative use permit for their 25 acres located at the entrance to Trumps famed Turnberry Golf Club. The auto recyclers plan to make a lot of smoke & noise & be an eyesore. Locals have pledged their support pic.twitter.com/s3bsdtC4k8
— Staff Sergeant Johnson (@PatMaguire10) May 22, 2023

May 22

graphic designers are safe because these are some ass https://t.co/gGgNqnjSrn
— Hurt CoPain (@SaeedDiCaprio) May 22, 2023

that's wild cuz im also happier when her titties are out https://t.co/1twfCxp9m5
— ashley ray live in NYC 6/6 @ Union Hall (@theashleyray) May 22, 2023

? pic.twitter.com/J4jQiwmL9S
— morally grey (@DILFBAlT) May 22, 2023

Really here for old Italian people against JK Rowling. pic.twitter.com/InWrh8X9je
— The Scarlet B!tch ᱬ (@thechildoftime) May 22, 2023

Someone is going to Hogwarts pic.twitter.com/lsAUIGOrJ5
— The Best (@Figensport) May 22, 2023

My favorite genre of internet content are posts by people fresh out of college, who have broken into some prestigious field realizing just how fake and made up the professional world is. It's a fun cognitive dissonance. Remember, we're paying you to be available! pic.twitter.com/eO4Jh43j0g
— BoHo Chicagoan (@Eric_Erins) May 22, 2023

BREAKING: Heat-Nuggets Finals to be played in corner of LeBron's retirement special, sources tell ESPN. pic.twitter.com/a1v27iuN0A
— C.J. Toledano 💩 (@CJToledano) May 23, 2023

Heat nuggets NBA Finals? What is this my damn microwave!! 🤣🤣🤣
— dave (@davecantread) May 22, 2023

This is what they're finding https://t.co/uzt6gt976C pic.twitter.com/taSywqzwdD
— William Lou (@william_lou) May 23, 2023

When I covered Melo in OKC, I had to write from locker room postgame to get stories in for 10:30 deadline. So at like 10:27, Melo would come over and heckle me for fun. One time, he pointed at the screen and said "That sentence is trash." Also, "You gotta type faster than that."
— Fred Katz (@FredKatz) May 22, 2023

Fuck it, 60 seconds of Melo's "fuck outta here" rebounds pic.twitter.com/OGnaYhJafN
— The Strickland (@TheStrickland) May 22, 2023

Women don't forget things like that that https://t.co/ACPIyMIDjC
— Him Duncan (@Silindokuhle_) May 23, 2023

This the most dastardly shit I have ever seen in my existence https://t.co/47BKwxSVXT pic.twitter.com/3cSau7Drin
— call me dreads (@MilfordLil) May 22, 2023

why would you tweet about a couch today. read the room https://t.co/djiX2usLpf
— emilio (@emilio__oilime) May 22, 2023

possibly the funniest exchange of all time pic.twitter.com/HcEMcnqIj0
— Onion™ (they/them) (@AnarchOnion) May 22, 2023

Tampax becomes Pax tomorrow. pic.twitter.com/v2oy3h1S00
— itskai.bsky.social (@kaicomedy) May 23, 2023

A Michigan man on horseback captured a loose cow on I-75 with a lasso https://t.co/XOjFJnWldX pic.twitter.com/AQKWgNTVXV
— philip lewis (@Phil_Lewis_) May 22, 2023

who gives a shit let me know when an orca downs his yacht https://t.co/zrtfNfAxvQ
— VOTE YES ON SAG-AFTRA STRIKE AUTH (@kyliesparks) May 22, 2023

You can't kill 50 people in two minutes with a rock, you fucking idiot. https://t.co/QBWWRTn5pd
— Chris Jackson (@ChrisCJackson) May 22, 2023

how it feels to wake up as a girl online who went viral overnight for a joke with sexual undertones pic.twitter.com/I3GDsRdias
— emmy (@emmycantread) May 22, 2023

May 23

One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend "What's the farthest you've ever gone in an Uber?" and her friend replied "Burbank." and I'm convinced even Mel Brooks couldn't have written a better setup and punchline.
— Scott Simons (@scottsimonsWVLA) May 23, 2023

One of the funniest slo-mo's of all time pic.twitter.com/HVQinsgruN
— Steve Perrault (@Steve_Perrault) May 24, 2023

Drop the "The Face." Just Book. Then add "it's the site that is the Facebook." It's cleaner. pic.twitter.com/wKNNdkxvFl
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) May 23, 2023

Its mama named it HBO Max, I'ma call it HBO Max. pic.twitter.com/JipoDBimS8
— Cojo (@CortneyJohnelle) May 23, 2023

The slow descent into madness. https://t.co/fHH0eLafu0 pic.twitter.com/XqFFpuvbsv
— I Think You Should Affirm (@youshouldaffirm) May 24, 2023

Showtime Rebrands to 'HBO' While It's Up for Grabshttps://t.co/OKaE3ZaCVE pic.twitter.com/xgMxS8B6p6
— Hard Drive (@HardDriveMag) May 23, 2023

https://t.co/hUN7kf8eCo pic.twitter.com/dlgfo2ps5e
— Kate Hagen (@thathagengrrl) May 23, 2023

I know you're all very disappointed, but I will *not* be dropping the first half of my name any time soon 👀
— Peacock (@peacock) May 23, 2023

lmao pic.twitter.com/4DhMoZLwaa
— beth (@bethbourdon) May 23, 2023

community notes is great! pic.twitter.com/Mje9af0V2C
— Jules Suzdaltsev (@jules_su) May 23, 2023

"Of Course You Realize… This Means We're Striking" - Bugs Bunny 🐰 SAG/Aftra Supports the WGA @sagaftra @WGAWest 🤳🏻 @srothbell pic.twitter.com/6cTYuJ3nmx
— Eric Bauza (@bauzilla) May 23, 2023

you used to be able to make a whole movie based around the idea what if there was a guy who was annoying to be around pic.twitter.com/bqJtnzMzF8
— Rory Blank (@BoneJail) May 23, 2023

Mid-tantrum, 6yo paused to write MAMA and DADA, then crossed out both words. Shocked by his own cruelty, he crumpled the page muttering "not nice of me."
— Emily Adrian (@adremily) May 23, 2023

Well, here we go again… pic.twitter.com/vAGZjbkyvx
— Four Seasons Total Landscaping (@TotalSeasons) May 23, 2023

The "guns don't kill people" people sure seem to think a book can make you gay.
— Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) May 24, 2023

Deeply out of onions pic.twitter.com/AAbhLIUzix
— Phoenician thnkr (@christweetsllc) May 23, 2023

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
— Harrison Weinreb (@harriweinreb) May 24, 2023

May 24

SINK EM ALL pic.twitter.com/Z7TQdQlW69
— Rat Bucket (@ChickNugs) May 24, 2023

A little late to this story but JOIN THE ORCA UPRISING. pic.twitter.com/aGffzdm3Ee
— Earth Liberation Studio (@EarthStvdio) May 24, 2023

No one ever talks about being nice as a form of method acting https://t.co/wQCpVWyhcG
— Dan Takaki (@dtakaki3) May 24, 2023

Kandiss Taylor explaining how the Earth is flat pic.twitter.com/CByWpLX0ZU
— blaire erskine (@blaireerskine) May 25, 2023

The memo my Dad sent out to his colleagues after my Mum hired a literal clown to got into his office and inform him that she was pregnant with me pic.twitter.com/hWJlDu1Bjd
— Samuel Leighton-Dore (@SamLeightonDore) May 24, 2023

parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp pic.twitter.com/qyEhPtkH4t
— 𝘁𝗶𝗺 𝗯𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗲𝘀 (@TimBarnes451) May 24, 2023

succession if it was on disney channel https://t.co/0PenXg8A7H
— kendall logan roy (@vickykrieps) May 24, 2023

Elon firing most of his engineers last year has finally paid dividends and I can't stop laughing https://t.co/D4yfNtpUim
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) May 24, 2023

Musk's talent for fucking over everyone he partners with is by far his most redeeming quality.
— Garbage Ape (@GarbageApe) May 24, 2023

ron desantis welcome to the "lmao wait that's what his voice sounds like" club along with ben shapiro and jordan peterson
— leon (@leyawn) May 24, 2023

It's happening https://t.co/lTLMrMOqe7 pic.twitter.com/w7043MILSN
— Sancho (parody of someone you dont know) (@1amsanch0) May 24, 2023

The guys who can't run a conference call should definitely run the country
— Olivia Nuzzi (@Olivianuzzi) May 24, 2023

Holy shit. Democrats just burst out laughing at Marjorie Taylor Greene as she's presiding over the House when she told them to have "decorum." She kept hitting the gavel and they kept laughing at her. (@acyn) pic.twitter.com/r3mhFgWOC6
— No Lie with Brian Tyler Cohen (@NoLieWithBTC) May 24, 2023

God is dead pic.twitter.com/kP1Unfu1gB
— mr chim (@mrnastynodrama) May 24, 2023

I brought my dog in a bag on the subway today. Sat next to an older Chinese couple. The man starts giving him pats and scritches, delighted. Then he takes out his phone, types into his translator app, and flashes me the screen. It read: EVERYWHERE I GO DOGS LOVE ME THE MOST
😌
— Boba Cyclist 정 (@BobaCyclist) May 24, 2023

May 25

When you're over 40 and the movie starts.. pic.twitter.com/avA0s0URR2
— Buitengebieden (@buitengebieden) May 25, 2023

(sigh) https://t.co/MOhKOhmphs pic.twitter.com/cPeh8GZzIP
— Jay Kirell (@JasonKirell) May 25, 2023

I'm actually in tears laughing. pic.twitter.com/xKQrPMBSVv
— overall problematic white man (@therealaaronk) May 25, 2023

incredible joke tbh pic.twitter.com/ieER8imaS8
— david (@_elvishpresley_) May 25, 2023

when i find out there's a cat at the party but they're locked in the bedroom pic.twitter.com/nMeHNRKsJb
— Pastrami Mommy (@Ewelannawhite) May 25, 2023

Junior goes on a rant that is supposed to be about Desantis, but he misreads his script:

"Trump has the personality of a mortician, and the energy that makes Jeb Bush look an Olympian." pic.twitter.com/iOdUbTQLyS
— Ron Filipkowski (@RonFilipkowski) May 25, 2023

Let me get this straight, "guns don't kill people" but…

- Target merchandise makes you gay
- Bud Light makes you trans
- history books make you Marxist

Is that right?
— Zach W. Lambert (@ZachWLambert) May 25, 2023

pic.twitter.com/K9WwuLfmME
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) May 25, 2023

A friendly reminder that when you used to rent videos from us. We didn't care who you shared it with… As long as you returned it on time. @netflix
— Blockbuster (@blockbuster) May 25, 2023

Thanks for the email @netflix! So it sounds like, if I've read this right, you're asking to be fairly compensated for the service you provide! Hmm where have I heard that before? pic.twitter.com/55Y3i35p9L
— john hoberg (@HeidiHidyHoberg) May 25, 2023

I told you he'd make likes private after my tweet pic.twitter.com/d4rtKlQMb1
— Hurt CoPain (@SaeedDiCaprio) May 25, 2023

as we speak, there are about two dozen lucky nerds rushing to their laptops who will successfully sign up to get their shit absolutely forever wrecked by this https://t.co/XMyrHwWMYI
— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) May 25, 2023

LOL inject this directly into my veins pic.twitter.com/XJLv7Fc6wX
— Bhavik Lathia (@bhaviklathia) May 25, 2023

everyone: wow, he shit his pants

elon: yes, but everybody saw it pic.twitter.com/HKDpliJ1vI
— A.R. Moxon (@JuliusGoat) May 25, 2023

Drunk test!

Step bam step bam bam pic.twitter.com/XPNxRMDfCu
— The Best (@Figensport) May 25, 2023

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: May 26, 2023

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