New bag of ice, Charles Grodin always brought the spice, paying the Doordash price, asking the Lord for career advice, and much more from this week in funny tweets.&nbsp;<br>
<br>
<strong>May 14</strong>

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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">do you think sesame street could get away with a joke where cookie monster says hes young dumb and full of crumbs y/n?</p>
— cullen "swamp trash" crawford (@HelloCullen) <a href="https://twitter.com/HelloCullen/status/1393403878691860480?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 15, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Nailed it. <a href="https://t.co/rLswYVohd5">pic.twitter.com/rLswYVohd5</a></p>
— pixelatedboat aka "mr tweets" (@pixelatedboat) <a href="https://twitter.com/pixelatedboat/status/1393430296872185858?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 15, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">I don't understand people who always have a romantic partner like what you just go out and talk to people and find someone who you like who also likes you and then if you break up you do that again? oh ok</p>
— danielle weisberg (@danielleweisber) <a href="https://twitter.com/danielleweisber/status/1393338106351284225?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 14, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">They should put car horns on grocery carts.</p>
— Dena Jackson (@Denatalks) <a href="https://twitter.com/Denatalks/status/1393261611629137930?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 14, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">you should be able to put stuff on the baggage carousel if you think everyone would like to see it</p>
— amelia elizalde (@ameliaelizalde) <a href="https://twitter.com/ameliaelizalde/status/1393361322104950786?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 15, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<strong>May 15</strong>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">"I'm in here 50 times a day 7 days a week. You're a Saturday guy."<br>
<br>
Unreal roast between two aggrieved white men in the Lowe's checkout line.</p>
— Chris Schutte (@ChrisSchutte3) <a href="https://twitter.com/ChrisSchutte3/status/1393634126691962886?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 15, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">This woman is a whole vibe <a href="https://t.co/weNB5aMILN">pic.twitter.com/weNB5aMILN</a></p>
— Amanda Deibert🏳️‍🌈 (@amandadeibert) <a href="https://twitter.com/amandadeibert/status/1393721800425496576?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 16, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">poor little dude doesn't know his entire life is getting reviewed rn <a href="https://t.co/8ltza6pWbw">pic.twitter.com/8ltza6pWbw</a></p>
— graham (@GrahamB47) <a href="https://twitter.com/GrahamB47/status/1393483824466591750?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 15, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">When comedians start rambling on about how "comedy is a family" and "comedians always have each other's backs!" this is what it sounds like to me. <a href="https://t.co/bM4vc233gL">pic.twitter.com/bM4vc233gL</a></p>
— Sara Schaefer (@saraschaefer1) <a href="https://twitter.com/saraschaefer1/status/1393976065870024704?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 16, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">my twitter isn't really a place for anyone to disagree with me. it's my diary. you can't say no to my diary. opinions are not welcome. my rule is absolute and unflinching</p>
— a (@warmtoned) <a href="https://twitter.com/warmtoned/status/1394066144357617665?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 16, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">philosophy is so funny. like just relax Lol</p>
— áine (@bungalowdreams) <a href="https://twitter.com/bungalowdreams/status/1393990241783013387?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 16, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said "my wife is coming back in a minute." Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it's kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore</p>
— Jess Zimmerman (@j_zimms) <a href="https://twitter.com/j_zimms/status/1394016605789696010?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 16, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">ask him to send an email <a href="https://t.co/xIPJZy6Ysp">https://t.co/xIPJZy6Ysp</a></p>
— badgirIkiki (@badgirIkiki) <a href="https://twitter.com/badgirIkiki/status/1394102197378592771?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 17, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Hi Twitter, please appreciate my grandma bowling a strike in her saree, and then proceeding to ensure her mask covers her nose<a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/QueenShit?src=hash&amp;ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#QueenShit</a>, if you ask me! 👸🏽 <a href="https://t.co/T3g4x5dpbk">pic.twitter.com/T3g4x5dpbk</a></p>
— Sudarshan Krishnamurthy (@sudkrish) <a href="https://twitter.com/sudkrish/status/1394106306395525124?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 17, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">mushrooms are the ultimate food experience. Meat without meat. Vegetable without vegetable. A sin without sin. Beautiful. Mysterious. Elegant. Decedent.</p>
— DIRT🔥SULFUR PREORDERS (@dirtcup_art) <a href="https://twitter.com/dirtcup_art/status/1394063350988951554?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 16, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<strong>May 17</strong>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">This is a gas station hotdog <a href="https://t.co/vZJhhE1TQ9">pic.twitter.com/vZJhhE1TQ9</a></p>
— the responsible uncle (@DaveMcNamee3000) <a href="https://twitter.com/DaveMcNamee3000/status/1394431020099805184?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 17, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">"should I quit doing stand-up comedy? Lord, give me a sign!"<br>
<br>
[a global pandemic halts all social activity, giving me 14 months to reevaluate my life and purpose]<br>
<br>
"any sign at all, Lord, I beg of you!"</p>
— Django Gold (@django) <a href="https://twitter.com/django/status/1394454282225733636?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 18, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich<br>
<br>
ME: Damn I bet it's so good<br>
<br>
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27</p>
— big honkers gentleman (@SortaBad) <a href="https://twitter.com/SortaBad/status/1394486898010169345?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 18, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">I used to think Stockholm Syndrome was bad, but now that I have it, I think it's good</p>
— April (@autogynefiles) <a href="https://twitter.com/autogynefiles/status/1394329969883504641?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 17, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">was not prepared for that one <a href="https://t.co/Y5AUqqRT1x">pic.twitter.com/Y5AUqqRT1x</a></p>
— kira 👑 (@kiraa_one) <a href="https://twitter.com/kiraa_one/status/1394316595942526977?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 17, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Biden forgiving student loans vs Biden funding wars <a href="https://t.co/RB8Ob7VIAQ">pic.twitter.com/RB8Ob7VIAQ</a></p>
— Anthony Moore (@AllThatandMoore) <a href="https://twitter.com/AllThatandMoore/status/1394315333201235968?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 17, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<strong>May 18</strong>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Charles Grodin Asks Johnny if He Cares About His Guests - Carson Tonight... <a href="https://t.co/WRjwrb9Sso">https://t.co/WRjwrb9Sso</a> via <a href="https://twitter.com/YouTube?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@YouTube</a></p>
— Join HEI Now (@timheidecker) <a href="https://twitter.com/timheidecker/status/1394734648467640324?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 18, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">I remember when my brother Mike was putting together So I Married An Axe Murderer and he was so thrilled that he got the great Charles Grodin to do a small part that was way beneath him. But of course Grodin hit it out of the park, May he Rest In Peace. <a href="https://t.co/unZwU2eTLX">https://t.co/unZwU2eTLX</a></p>
— Paul Myers (@pulmyears) <a href="https://twitter.com/pulmyears/status/1394783652261793793?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 18, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">These dudes were 33 &amp; 35 when this picture was taken in 1982. They are both still alive today. I believe the key to longevity is looking old as hell right off the bat <a href="https://t.co/M7rubgm3Xa">pic.twitter.com/M7rubgm3Xa</a></p>
— Chad Opitz (@chadopitz) <a href="https://twitter.com/chadopitz/status/1394571775271264258?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 18, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Emma Stone at the premiere of Cruella (2021) and Glenn Close at the premiere of 101 Dalmatians (1996) <a href="https://t.co/og3RQe1xFO">pic.twitter.com/og3RQe1xFO</a></p>
— Erik Anderson (@awards_watch) <a href="https://twitter.com/awards_watch/status/1394841547577860097?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 19, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">BREAKING NEWS:<br>
A guy I dated in 2016 just followed me on IG and posted a 10 year anniversary pic with his wife. AND he has 4 kids ranging from 13 to 6.</p>
— A Screaming Leah MD (she/her) (@leahrochonmd) <a href="https://twitter.com/leahrochonmd/status/1394696841988435969?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 18, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Europe is hilarious to me, there's like a different country 35 minutes down the road and everyone is like fucc those guys 😤</p>
— laborgiant 🤷‍♂️ (@laborgiant) <a href="https://twitter.com/laborgiant/status/1394694022329880584?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 18, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="und" dir="ltr"><a href="https://t.co/ykMPxx0qWD">pic.twitter.com/ykMPxx0qWD</a></p>
— Wikipedia out of context but i made them up (@WikiOoc) <a href="https://twitter.com/WikiOoc/status/1394858284226531336?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 19, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="und" dir="ltr"><a href="https://t.co/qhZ6Y8vcRq">pic.twitter.com/qhZ6Y8vcRq</a></p>
— Cats With Subtitles (@CatSubtitles) <a href="https://twitter.com/CatSubtitles/status/1394891905377390595?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 19, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Not me thinking I just got 17k followers 😭 <a href="https://t.co/Pb4ZLXpoUB">pic.twitter.com/Pb4ZLXpoUB</a></p>
— Miriam 🥷🏽 (@kaktyc444) <a href="https://twitter.com/kaktyc444/status/1394694709805731843?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 18, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="und" dir="ltr"><a href="https://t.co/p5cpFeXdWK">https://t.co/p5cpFeXdWK</a> <a href="https://t.co/1SPh21cdck">pic.twitter.com/1SPh21cdck</a></p>
— Dan Ozzi (@danozzi) <a href="https://twitter.com/danozzi/status/1394707260731887616?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 18, 2021</a></blockquote>
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May 19
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Laughing hard asf 😹😹🤧 <a href="https://t.co/oAzB5BpbLf">pic.twitter.com/oAzB5BpbLf</a></p>
— BiggieShorty🥶💙 (@imahustlababy_) <a href="https://twitter.com/imahustlababy_/status/1395043260264067072?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 19, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="und" dir="ltr"><a href="https://t.co/wXHW1AFOof">pic.twitter.com/wXHW1AFOof</a></p>
— Liam (@LegoRacers2) <a href="https://twitter.com/LegoRacers2/status/1395154447387398145?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 19, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Who could have seen this coming? <a href="https://t.co/23733eiCKr">https://t.co/23733eiCKr</a></p>
— Nani 🇬🇭 (@lenubienne) <a href="https://twitter.com/lenubienne/status/1395237830461362176?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 20, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">start up job day 1: "we expect you to be able to perform this job by yourself by the end of the day."<br>
<br>
corporate job day 1: "a password is a tool used to secure your computer from bad guys called 'hackers'."</p>
— thin siebert-diesel (@ThinDieselle) <a href="https://twitter.com/ThinDieselle/status/1395109232316407814?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 19, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">i once worked with someone who told customers "sorry, it's my first day!" any time they messed up. for 2 years straight</p>
— makayla (@makaylathinks) <a href="https://twitter.com/makaylathinks/status/1395012927137136649?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 19, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">My gf said some dude came by the library today and returned a Bob Dylan LP he checked out in the 70s that's now 40 years overdue. He said "it wasn't a very good album"</p>
— John Elliott (@MineralDisk) <a href="https://twitter.com/MineralDisk/status/1395196714680782849?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 20, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">my wife said she was getting a mammogram and i said "whoa black betty" and i learned something</p>
— blaine capatch (@blainecapatch) <a href="https://twitter.com/blainecapatch/status/1395191164957958146?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 20, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">This is the hardest time I've ever had. We're raising a 5 year old and 2 1/2 year old in lockdown/quarantine. 2 1/2 year old is wild and also potty training. If you are young and carefree my advice to you right now is move to Hawaii and drink booze and surf until a shark eats you</p>
— Chris (@chrislockeworld) <a href="https://twitter.com/chrislockeworld/status/1395048395602108416?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 19, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<strong>May 20</strong>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Water Bottle Shadows <a href="https://t.co/9PTitqCk4S">pic.twitter.com/9PTitqCk4S</a></p>
— Diane Doniol-Valcroze (@ddoniolvalcroze) <a href="https://twitter.com/ddoniolvalcroze/status/1395476895009968128?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 20, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Here is the church<br>
And here is the steeple<br>
Open the doors<br>
See all my fingers</p>
— Paul Rust (@paulrust) <a href="https://twitter.com/paulrust/status/1395406762644180992?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 20, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">In the past week, three people have extended their hands to me for a handshake. I really did not think that garbage was coming back.</p>
— Andy Daly (@TVsAndyDaly) <a href="https://twitter.com/TVsAndyDaly/status/1395461011088437248?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 20, 2021</a></blockquote>
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Vish Khanna

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: May 21, 2021

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