Burlesque, the DoorDash zero helpdesk, land acknowledgment-esque, Elon seems grotesque, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

May 13

fried beans:

inventor of refried beans: again.
— blake (@blakeslun) May 13, 2022

pic.twitter.com/jt1rMVNHdA
— MythoAmerica (@MythoAmerica) May 14, 2022

That time Willem Dafoe wanted to talk about film festivals with Robert Pattinson but Rob had other things on his mind pic.twitter.com/c3x3sYKHI4
— Tom Reagan's Hat (@RufusTSuperfly) May 13, 2022

all i did was tell my dad i'm anaemic 😭😭 pic.twitter.com/bZeNvmpFpI
— Chandini 🌙❤️‍🔥 (@chxndii) May 13, 2022

My mom making me come say hi to somebody I "knew" as a baby pic.twitter.com/cZWa4mGTGr
— 𝐒𝐢𝐦 ひ (@WhoTFissim) May 13, 2022

I recently heard "Crypto is Mary Kay for men"
— Dr. Sarah Parcak (@indyfromspace) May 14, 2022

what's the worst land acknowledgement you've ever seen? i don't know that anything will ever top this: pic.twitter.com/Yw8pWzEdK5
— Michelle Cyca (@michellecyca) May 13, 2022

Elon Musk: Think I might swim to Antarctica. 😎

Normal folks: Obviously he's not going to do this.

News: What Musk's 9000 Mile Swim Could Mean…

NF: C'mon, he's not going to do it!

Acolytes: Um, he runs a trillion dollar company. I think he knows a little about determination
— Tom Coombe (@CalmTomb) May 13, 2022

Modern Kendrick: I regret egregious slurs for man's on mans // it is of utmost importance we platform trans

Modern Kanye: My Divorce Justifies The Armenian Genocide // I Am Going To Give Pete Davidson Cyanide
— worst guy you know (@himbodotgov) May 13, 2022

Have you heard Fleetwood Mac though pic.twitter.com/Kf6yx6iyse
— Kristin Chirico (@lolacoaster) May 14, 2022

 
May 14

FELLAS????? pic.twitter.com/sUlEwrtCef
— KELGORE (@KelgoreTrout) May 14, 2022

"I fill her up, BALLOONS"

rap almost didn't survive the 2010s
— father (@father) May 14, 2022

Now this is a HIPAA violation! pic.twitter.com/xFIEIivkAg
— key lolo (@KiaSpeaks) May 14, 2022

pic.twitter.com/Fi0Zi5MlDQ
— shirts that go hard (@shirtsthtgohard) May 15, 2022

What's wrong babe? You've hardly touched your jabbacado toast. pic.twitter.com/U3wbRzTBx8
— Nicola J. (@formerlygolden) May 14, 2022

Lmao I ain't shit https://t.co/JZqlN9D3WT
— Damian Lillard (@Dame_Lillard) May 15, 2022

95% of American mass shooters: "I am a nazi and I do this because I want to ethnically cleanse the world. Here is my manifesto where I detail all of my nazi beliefs."

The media: The mentally ill lone wolf had a rough life. No one wanted to be his friend. 🥺 👉👈
— Housing 4 All is Hot (@ahouse4all) May 14, 2022

pic.twitter.com/tjk3cpDwwI
— clay ⛷ (@bitchrespecter) May 14, 2022

only a weirdo would be mad at dis rule tbh https://t.co/Z8c7cMqlL7
— Himothee Chalamet (@altoidsrevenge) May 14, 2022

 
May 15

Gitmo couldn't get me to admit this pic.twitter.com/sdtHwqM43e
— Joe Kassabian (@jkass99) May 16, 2022

By some distance the best park bench memorial I've ever encountered. pic.twitter.com/pvr6auWSU3
— James Vaughan (@EquusontheBuses) May 15, 2022

Every comedian in the world was acting like a slap was the worst thing a person could do a few weeks ago but skits about domestic abuse are apparently fine. https://t.co/uxAeOvJ6J9
— Danielle (@danielleloucamp) May 15, 2022

"I was born in 2007" sounds fake af nobody is born that late bro
— Noah ✵ (@noahdonotcare) May 16, 2022

This is the greatest email I've ever received pic.twitter.com/bb1Abn387Y
— Pheenoh (@pheenoh) May 15, 2022

Thinking about how my sister's college friend was nicknamed "Burgers" cause one time he talked about grilling burgers too enthusiastically. You have to be careful
— Erin Somers (@SomersErin) May 15, 2022

julia fox grocery shopping in los angeles pic.twitter.com/0ekD5EpN7r
— julia fox updates (@juliafoxsource) May 15, 2022

i saw this tiktok & it was saying how social media makes ppl faceles so you think getting 50 likes is bad, but if 50 ppl were to say they like u in person that is actually HELLA PPL
— ? (@aliyahInterlude) May 16, 2022

This is what dudes want to do all day but capitalism makes us go to work https://t.co/vJAxAZmOnE
— Rawhide Kobayashi (revoked medical license) (@RawhideKobe) May 15, 2022

Why are white people so afraid of becoming a minority? Does America treat minorities poorly or something?
— Santiago Mayer 🌻 (@santiagomayer_) May 15, 2022

I Photoshop @paddingtonbear into a movie or show until I forget: Day 432 pic.twitter.com/TSmdLxrjgO
— Jaythechou (@jaythechou) May 15, 2022

No fucking way pic.twitter.com/UHiYVekcZ6
— chuck (@mailprivilege) May 16, 2022

pic.twitter.com/qdyqlkEVVx
— Criminal Tweets (@crim_tweets_) May 15, 2022

May 16

"He's some weirdo professor from fuckin' Canada. His thing is cryin' that a piece of ass in a magazine is why we ain't gladiators in Ancient Rome anymore or some shit. Weird dude, think his brains got scrambled when his kid fed him only T bones for like eight months straight." pic.twitter.com/a7T8BUR0IO
— Jessica Ritchey (@Ruby_Stevens) May 17, 2022

The D.A.R.E program was really successful at making shirts for people who love to do drugs
— David Venhuizen (@David_Venhuizen) May 17, 2022

are you telling me a "deck" is just a powerpoint presentation
— tori anus (@firstopenlygay) May 16, 2022

I cannot stress enough that the bathtub is empty. pic.twitter.com/aH6gh4M4VG
— Casey Malone (@CaseyMalone) May 16, 2022

front facing eyes are a key indicator of a predator pic.twitter.com/hsykpoUVKm
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) May 16, 2022

Wow man yeah what happens then? pic.twitter.com/6TyvI133KJ
— ℮oin Higgins (@EoinHiggins_) May 16, 2022

"We want grandkids." Best I can do is write a screenplay about the childhood trauma you caused me
— Andy Compton (@andycompton_) May 16, 2022

i'm dyslexic pic.twitter.com/bVvYBCmcDP
— 🏳️‍⚧️ezra!♿️ (cripplepunk arc) (@ezragrimm) May 16, 2022

May 17

pic.twitter.com/7Px7PJ5BW9
— Chris (@wachitororo) May 17, 2022

if this happened to one of my friends i would wear them like a cape and run around pic.twitter.com/A4aWP5p8XR
— world angel (@ipodmacbook) May 18, 2022

look. heres all im saying pic.twitter.com/CBmxpanEm8
— 𖤐 lars 𖤐 (@larsaddams) May 18, 2022

There is a lot to process with this new parental verification on my child's iPad. pic.twitter.com/OKw7fXDuXc
— Victoria Haneman (@TaxLawProf) May 18, 2022

sorry but I literally do not understand why Netflix only fired the queer and brown people. like. what are 500 straight guys named Robert gonna do to get new people signed up for the platform? You think Roberts are gonna innovate?
— Montucky Woodsnacks (@tuckwoodstock) May 17, 2022

The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they're dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune. pic.twitter.com/ldfjmm5JoQ
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) May 17, 2022

Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it's french,
— hussy (@HOSTAGEKILLER) May 18, 2022

having a crush has cured my depression! now it's anxiety's time to shine
— Sahana Srinivasan (@sahana_srini) May 18, 2022

A lot of parents are confused when they don't have a close relationship with their adult children who no longer depend on them financially/physically.
— Whitney Goodman, LMFT (@sitwithwhit) May 17, 2022

I see why grandma's get up at 6 am and run their errands and be back home by 9am, this shit alright.
— Tay 💕 (@prettypetitet) May 17, 2022

just had to be there pic.twitter.com/l7mfHZSvmE
— depths of wikipedia (@depthsofwiki) May 17, 2022

Best court transcript I've seen all week pic.twitter.com/M2fW3oTBvw
— Jack Newsham (@TheNewsHam) May 17, 2022

customer: can i get a #3 with coke

me: we don't sell cocaine

boss: *pulls me aside* why would u say that

me: *turning to customer* my bad, we do sell cocaine
— cory (harvard graduate) (@coolmathgame_) May 17, 2022

 
May 18

The long time listener to first time caller pipeline
— matt (@mattybtweets69) May 18, 2022

apple car (1994) vs apple car (2022). this is not progress. pic.twitter.com/oFbpriSduA
— Harrison Lemke (@hplemke) May 18, 2022

what does it mean when this light comes on pic.twitter.com/Y03gsLmLtP
— 𝒿𝑒𝓃 (@jen222s) May 19, 2022

Dis puzzle ez af pic.twitter.com/1CFP1rXRGP
— v1nce (@v1nceNyc) May 18, 2022

Call me jordan the way she B on my peter son
— ^_^ (@Bruhsepheus) May 18, 2022

I had to zoom right in to check if this was Forrest Gump. pic.twitter.com/u6r2Wg3RDf
— SkillsMcGill (@skillsmcgill) May 18, 2022

did something terrible by accident yesterday pic.twitter.com/DUi1qdbWwP
— hil (@plume__) May 18, 2022

imagine fumbling the bag this hard pic.twitter.com/k1Vfuiazzc
— Cool Shirtz 🌈 (@coolshirtz) May 18, 2022

pic.twitter.com/4ja8tQBOWY
— Jane (@JaneOst_) May 18, 2022

Walk me through the scallop disco 'accident' & don't leave out any details pic.twitter.com/1U9yJQFdN9
— @hughkeogh (@hughkeogh) May 18, 2022

oh god he's still going pic.twitter.com/LY7koCd6WU
— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) May 19, 2022

Is it racist if I tell Elon Musk to go back to Africa 🤔
— Ty Ross (@cooltxchick) May 19, 2022

May 19

Just as Elon Musk predicted, now that he's a Republican his political enemies are smearing him by making him pay $250,000 four years ago to settle a sexual misconduct claim
— pixelatedboat aka "mr tweets" (@pixelatedboat) May 19, 2022

I apologize for exposing my penis to you ma'am ❌

I apologize for exposing my penis to you ma'am, would you like a horse? ✅
— Rajat Suresh (@rajat_suresh) May 20, 2022

Me about to eat a fistful of shredded cheese at 1 am. pic.twitter.com/wZHDLvBBYf
— Ryan Asher (@Reen_Machine) May 19, 2022

pic.twitter.com/FZsG9UQ2Ma
— depths of wikipedia (@depthsofwiki) May 19, 2022

"There's a conspiracy to make my dick small" is honestly kind of a perfect encapsulation of this moment in history https://t.co/xHcLe6gp59
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) May 20, 2022

We asked Ted Cruz to sign the issue of National Enquirer where Donald Trump accused his dad of killing JFK. pic.twitter.com/Wt9FUaxT86
— The Good Liars (@TheGoodLiars) May 19, 2022

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: May 20, 2022

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