Giving the dog a home, ain't no fun waiting out this syndrome, if you want blood get <a href="https://exclaim.ca/artists/tom_hanks">Tom Hanks</a> on the phone, are you ready for the end of this poem, and much more from this week in funny tweets.&nbsp;<br>
<br>
<strong>April 25</strong>
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">This tweet was from March 2016. <a href="https://t.co/wtQDoJLzgi">https://t.co/wtQDoJLzgi</a></p>
— Miranda Yaver (@mirandayaver) <a href="https://twitter.com/mirandayaver/status/1254095056069210113?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 25, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Lol columbo directors aren't fuckin around <a href="https://t.co/nQEFeiD70I">pic.twitter.com/nQEFeiD70I</a></p>
— Mr. Halloween Bones (@HelloCullen) <a href="https://twitter.com/HelloCullen/status/1254237383068798976?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 26, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">how is tmz the first to break every death they gotta be killing some of these people themselves <a href="https://t.co/1OgoA84dgT">https://t.co/1OgoA84dgT</a></p>
— giabuchi (@jaboukie) <a href="https://twitter.com/jaboukie/status/1254107341676519425?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 25, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">imagine explaining this tweet to someone from last year <a href="https://t.co/GISIV1yGPx">https://t.co/GISIV1yGPx</a></p>
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) <a href="https://twitter.com/Fred_Delicious/status/1254074819915718656?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 25, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Im calling it now. When 2020 finally ends the story of the year will be the corona virus.</p>
— Colin Quinn (@iamcolinquinn) <a href="https://twitter.com/iamcolinquinn/status/1254078290563915778?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 25, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">So. We had a massive infestation of pill bugs who ate our zucchini twice. So we put out beer traps (they go to drink the beer, they fall in.)<br>
Then a mystery occurred....</p>
— Jessica Ellis (@baddestmamajama) <a href="https://twitter.com/baddestmamajama/status/1254116048237768704?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 25, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">2020 is what 2012 tried so hard to be</p>
— Ali San ⁷ (@TheSanPlanet) <a href="https://twitter.com/TheSanPlanet/status/1254120600458735617?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 25, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Top four countries in new Covid cases not-so-coincidentally led by the world's four worst leaders. <a href="https://t.co/esIYZgvdP9">pic.twitter.com/esIYZgvdP9</a></p>
— Markos Moulitsas (@markos) <a href="https://twitter.com/markos/status/1254202297703215104?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 26, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Economics, y'all. Get some.<br>
<br>
Teach your children well...<br>
<a href="https://t.co/6fW6tWmuog">pic.twitter.com/6fW6tWmuog</a></p>
— Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) <a href="https://twitter.com/RexChapman/status/1254238940917387270?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 26, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script><br>
<strong>April 26</strong>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">i shot a man in german just to watch him the</p>
— a bigger boat 🦈 (@drankturpentine) <a href="https://twitter.com/drankturpentine/status/1254529002301054976?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 26, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">i explained the karen meme to my mom (named karen) and she unexpectedly replied "oh, i think of those 'id like to speak to a manager' type folks as janets." she then specified that "janets" did not include janet jackson who should have slapped justin timberlake in superbowl 2005</p>
— kate wagner, netizen (@mcmansionhell) <a href="https://twitter.com/mcmansionhell/status/1254578978268069888?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 27, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Ah yes, my guest room <a href="https://t.co/WdQJv5ivlH">pic.twitter.com/WdQJv5ivlH</a></p>
— Rebecca Fishbein (@bfishbfish) <a href="https://twitter.com/bfishbfish/status/1254567969545469954?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 27, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Don Lemon is all of us. <a href="https://t.co/aIAGOAAKip">pic.twitter.com/aIAGOAAKip</a></p>
— Richard Hine (@richardhine) <a href="https://twitter.com/richardhine/status/1254632923938131969?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 27, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">I wonder what happened to the sausage?? 🤔 <a href="https://t.co/lvQZ5Kip0n">pic.twitter.com/lvQZ5Kip0n</a></p>
— Hear Me Roar (@Stop_Trump20) <a href="https://twitter.com/Stop_Trump20/status/1254492877138407426?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 26, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Keeping in shape with my favorite workout video, the critically-acclaimed 1984 Talking Heads concert film Stop Making Sense <a href="https://t.co/2aV3MZ9fBB">pic.twitter.com/2aV3MZ9fBB</a></p>
— alicia cougar mellencamden (@aliciacamden) <a href="https://twitter.com/aliciacamden/status/1254453998163296256?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 26, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">I'm locked out of my dogs Facebook account that i created in 2010 and they won't let me back in unless I send over a copy of his drivers license</p>
— soccerbabe2003 (@realemilyattack) <a href="https://twitter.com/realemilyattack/status/1254444055301259264?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 26, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script><br>
<strong>April 27</strong>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Have you guys heard of phone calls where people can't see each other's faces? Pretty good stuff!</p>
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) <a href="https://twitter.com/joshgondelman/status/1254979543326248961?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 28, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="und" dir="ltr">😳😳😳 <a href="https://t.co/FQowQCtIct">pic.twitter.com/FQowQCtIct</a></p>
— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) <a href="https://twitter.com/atrupar/status/1254869376538468355?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 27, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">That 'somebody' is you, babe. <a href="https://t.co/0Kie7c4h1R">https://t.co/0Kie7c4h1R</a></p>
— Soledad O'Brien (@soledadobrien) <a href="https://twitter.com/soledadobrien/status/1254894181195157509?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 27, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">"Dennis Rodman isn't interesting" an instant S-tier Simmons take. Just tremendous shit. Like arguing Shaq isn't big</p>
— Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) <a href="https://twitter.com/nickwiger/status/1254824575168217090?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 27, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">I ... I am crying. <a href="https://t.co/A8UL4SQEbA">pic.twitter.com/A8UL4SQEbA</a></p>
— KelleyLCarter (@KelleyLCarter) <a href="https://twitter.com/KelleyLCarter/status/1254925581952544768?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 28, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script><br>
<strong>April 28</strong>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">The U.S. has reached 1 million confirmed coronavirus cases. Let's take a moment to honor the heroes who helped get us here. <a href="https://t.co/YtzcHYuFcT">pic.twitter.com/YtzcHYuFcT</a></p>
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) <a href="https://twitter.com/TheDailyShow/status/1255225522919006210?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 28, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Sometimes reading a book it's like damn is there anything you WON'T describe</p>
— Heather Jewett (@bimbosummit) <a href="https://twitter.com/bimbosummit/status/1255137069023637511?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 28, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">sometimes i be waiting years to subtweet people baby this grievance is from august 2017</p>
— i praydalor my sodakeep (@AlmondTiddies) <a href="https://twitter.com/AlmondTiddies/status/1255229898219716610?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 28, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Did it work? <a href="https://t.co/EeBje8TxQP">pic.twitter.com/EeBje8TxQP</a></p>
— A Flock of Seagals (@ASegals) <a href="https://twitter.com/ASegals/status/1255233583905738752?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 28, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">never forget <a href="https://t.co/qdeUVwrFL1">pic.twitter.com/qdeUVwrFL1</a></p>
— baby calf ☭ (@dulcedecommie) <a href="https://twitter.com/dulcedecommie/status/1255047943029059584?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 28, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">The opening paragraph of Dr. Bronners' Wikipedia comes in with guns absolutely blazing <a href="https://t.co/sBWyKYOFhO">pic.twitter.com/sBWyKYOFhO</a></p>
— Sam Saulsbury (@SamuelSaulsbury) <a href="https://twitter.com/SamuelSaulsbury/status/1255330546923831297?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 29, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Rich people have been like "can yall help each other by donating to each other???" For like 2 months now</p>
— Miss Bachelors Degree 🎓 (@traderjosephina) <a href="https://twitter.com/traderjosephina/status/1255337505513181187?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 29, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script><br>
<strong>April 29</strong>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">every couple years harrison ford gets bored and hops in his plane like "what kinda shit can I get into today?" <a href="https://t.co/KUvlaPxg82">https://t.co/KUvlaPxg82</a></p>
— Matt Buechele (@mattbooshell) <a href="https://twitter.com/mattbooshell/status/1255649509763358723?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 30, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">please work <a href="https://t.co/QUL33YWfzi">pic.twitter.com/QUL33YWfzi</a></p>
— Obi-Sean Kenobi Doolittle (@whatwouldDOOdo) <a href="https://twitter.com/whatwouldDOOdo/status/1255574872564076545?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 29, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Pineapples went way hard. Knives on top. Shark teeth around the sides. Once you get inside you think you've won until the juice starts eating your fuckin tongue. Absolutely metal.</p>
— clean slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) <a href="https://twitter.com/PleaseBeGneiss/status/1255540653930328064?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 29, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Googled "suspicious horses" was not disappointed <a href="https://t.co/w0cw5Rgw10">pic.twitter.com/w0cw5Rgw10</a></p>
— octopus/caveman (@OctopusCaveman) <a href="https://twitter.com/OctopusCaveman/status/1255722898829930496?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 30, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">The cat definitely wrote the headline and subhead<a href="https://t.co/0rzSWA6g4y">https://t.co/0rzSWA6g4y</a> <a href="https://t.co/atBMh92n1E">pic.twitter.com/atBMh92n1E</a></p>
— Daniel MacEachern (@DanMacEachern) <a href="https://twitter.com/DanMacEachern/status/1255512496036876291?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 29, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Anyway, it was 2020, and I was wearing a bandana over my face with a coffee filter in it, which was the fashion at the time</p>
— John Wellington Ennis (@johnennis) <a href="https://twitter.com/johnennis/status/1255667920924839937?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 30, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script><br>
<strong>April 30</strong>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">ok thank u science <a href="https://t.co/BlC4hYyPOT">https://t.co/BlC4hYyPOT</a></p>
— JP (@jpbrammer) <a href="https://twitter.com/jpbrammer/status/1255854346845196290?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 30, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">made a Rube Goldberg machine <a href="https://t.co/gWRNnmm5Ic">pic.twitter.com/gWRNnmm5Ic</a></p>
— COLiN BURGESS (@Colinoscopy) <a href="https://twitter.com/Colinoscopy/status/1255890780641689601?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 30, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">GUY WHO THINK PEOPLE CLAPPING FOR ESSENTIAL WORKERS ARE CLAPPING FOR HIS NEW HAT <a href="https://t.co/qDz4DkBaqK">pic.twitter.com/qDz4DkBaqK</a></p>
— Tynan DeLong (@TynanDeLong) <a href="https://twitter.com/TynanDeLong/status/1255906007617765376?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 30, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Woke teenagers discovering Tropic Thunder is my favorite tweet genre <a href="https://t.co/cyLsnpFnDg">pic.twitter.com/cyLsnpFnDg</a></p>
— 🔥 VITO the Out-Of-Work Comedian 🔥 (@VitoGesualdi) <a href="https://twitter.com/VitoGesualdi/status/1255794776256835584?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 30, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">mfs get one banger tweet and have that shit pinned like a championship banner</p>
— Waddles (@itsWaddles_) <a href="https://twitter.com/itsWaddles_/status/1255951394907066369?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 30, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Reminder that this perfect video exists: <a href="https://t.co/IHbXDa2xEY">pic.twitter.com/IHbXDa2xEY</a></p>
— Niccole Thurman (@niccolethurman) <a href="https://twitter.com/niccolethurman/status/1256010365499871232?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 30, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Living room renovation + dogs own space 🥺 <a href="https://t.co/qAVkHze3io">pic.twitter.com/qAVkHze3io</a></p>
— TIMELINE PORN ⏱ (@ManifstPosts) <a href="https://twitter.com/ManifstPosts/status/1255908037216415744?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 30, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script><br>
<strong>May 1</strong>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">these are real tweets <a href="https://t.co/uSZovYjKsk">pic.twitter.com/uSZovYjKsk</a></p>
— Frisco Uplink: Tallymander is here (@_danilo) <a href="https://twitter.com/_danilo/status/1256399145339891715?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 2, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">It's crazy that other countries solve their problems by coming up with solutions to their problems. <a href="https://t.co/9s6dh11VQO">pic.twitter.com/9s6dh11VQO</a></p>
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) <a href="https://twitter.com/kashanacauley/status/1256283327507513345?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 1, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">thinking about the guy who bowled a perfect game on 9/11 <a href="https://t.co/P3GrekbHFE">pic.twitter.com/P3GrekbHFE</a></p>
— not jt (@JayTeeTodd) <a href="https://twitter.com/JayTeeTodd/status/1256269034447912967?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 1, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">This tweet aged well <a href="https://t.co/tUMtcLpZ57">https://t.co/tUMtcLpZ57</a></p>
— Drew Curtis (@DrewCurtis) <a href="https://twitter.com/DrewCurtis/status/1256215428499681280?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 1, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">People at the bar: "Sing us a song, Billy"<br>
<br>
Billy Joel, for the next five minutes: "Look at all these miserable fucking people, who are drinking to forget about their sad lives"</p>
— Zito (@_Zeets) <a href="https://twitter.com/_Zeets/status/1256428203834474496?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 2, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">twitter <a href="https://t.co/r02crvIf2e">pic.twitter.com/r02crvIf2e</a></p>
— B⁷~∞🌙❄️ STAY HOME 🔪 (@calcuttajoons) <a href="https://twitter.com/calcuttajoons/status/1256273409224278016?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 1, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">As a Nova Scotian, I am telling you to eat shit. <a href="https://t.co/EQnIq1OWNX">https://t.co/EQnIq1OWNX</a></p>
— Adam Barrett (@im_adam_barrett) <a href="https://twitter.com/im_adam_barrett/status/1256254412961521664?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 1, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>

Vish Khanna

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: May 1, 2020

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