How do I land, me getting ready for plans, just so I understand, nice Canadian comedy fans, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

May 12

me getting ready for the plans i said yes to pic.twitter.com/BhsnqtR7lf
— Maxine🍒 (@chaesoberrie) May 13, 2023

Forming a militia with the fellas to liberate Mother's Day. pic.twitter.com/PEvpqnZ4Up
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) May 12, 2023

pic.twitter.com/xb8An7mSh3
— Teddy Ferrari (@lemonsproda) May 12, 2023

will never listen to gorillaz the same again https://t.co/jgFKXQbDNX pic.twitter.com/mPcfo1Pm2c
— mount bellyache (@mountbellyache) May 12, 2023

it's quite delightful https://t.co/HFujkasKfF pic.twitter.com/ZK9HHsDp9V
— Roxy (@RoxyTall) May 12, 2023

https://t.co/DjOSsSNMK8 pic.twitter.com/lnT0OJth85
— Adam Cerious (@Browtweaten) May 12, 2023

Austin Reaves. pic.twitter.com/r86noakfin
— Reyda 🦖 (@MsReyda) May 13, 2023

Janelle Monae, tracing the relatable post-coming-out trajectory from "24-song concept albums about futuristic androids whose experience mirrors the plight of multiple oppressed groups" to "I like butts"
— THE NEIGHBORS #3 out 5.24.23 (@byJudeDoyle) May 12, 2023

I think about this tweet a lot https://t.co/oPmUuqIVrW pic.twitter.com/68Rj9svLVK
— Warlock | A D&D Audio Drama⭐ (@Warlockdnd) May 13, 2023

VITAMIN WATER: we're like water, but with vitamins

ME: which ones

VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin

ME: no it's not

VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) May 13, 2023

from my kid's elementary school facebook group, i literally cannot pic.twitter.com/EPBrUf2YpC
— abby (@abby4thepeople) May 12, 2023

It's honestly kinda rude to be an optimist at this point. Like at least have the decency to be spiritually crushed by the weight of it all, ya know what I mean?
— Clare Belford (@clarebelford) May 12, 2023

imagine waking up from like, not even that long a coma, just from a couple of weeks in a coma, and seeing this pic.twitter.com/qHABYc4aUR
— Marie Le Conte (@youngvulgarian) May 12, 2023

I love Canadian heckles pic.twitter.com/1ooy6w5agv
— Matt O'Brien (@matt_obrien) May 12, 2023

MARK JACKSON: I would never invite Mr. Bean into my home. That man is a danger to himself and others.

JEFF VAN GUNDY: When I was 8, my grandmother looked me directly in the eyes and told me the exact day I will die. I am haunted by the knowledge.

MIKE BREEN: James at the line. pic.twitter.com/EWcXgx20ly
— Mike Beauvais (@MikeBeauvais) May 13, 2023

May 13

unsolved mysteries is so scary. like what happened
— gary human (@nokia3108) May 14, 2023

i personally love the direction movies are headed. i was getting so sick of filmmakers trying to deepen my understanding of the human condition. i just want actors i recognize to wear bald caps and tell me the story of the first blackberry or who invented nikes. i love products!
— Dan Ozzi (@danozzi) May 14, 2023

No way she put her toes inna ponytail https://t.co/vVqBXOrRQ8
— mommiana (@mommiana5) May 14, 2023

That look 💓😂 pic.twitter.com/bKpJc9KDET
— The Best (@Figensport) May 13, 2023

I mean. https://t.co/A2jvg66eQa pic.twitter.com/2cVnO46F13
— Hannah Grieco (@writesloud) May 13, 2023

https://t.co/DsnKw6U1Zs pic.twitter.com/paDzhSxjLX
— Alan Sepinwall (@sepinwall) May 13, 2023

me: "why tf does my back hurt??"

also me: pic.twitter.com/ZHaJMkb6LL
— Maxine🍒 (@chaesoberrie) May 13, 2023

The fire department are trying to show they're supportive but I'm fully dying at the implication that we will simply just all burn pic.twitter.com/ufKq0m67BO
— Jazz ⧗ (@DerpSwan) May 13, 2023

Off-leash dog owners pic.twitter.com/llkOqgZqQd
— Emma Pope (@emmerpope) May 13, 2023

May 14

I'm convinced most animals can be categorized as dog/not dog https://t.co/t20u5DsFW1
— axcel (@sonnen_konig) May 14, 2023

It's crazy to me that the world even knows about my mom
— Harrison Weinreb (@harriweinreb) May 15, 2023

happy mother's day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog pic.twitter.com/CdtPTZv53T
— palehound (@Palehound) May 14, 2023

y'all don't forget to tell ur oldest sister happy Mother's Day 😁😁😁
— mary shay blige (@blackbratzilla) May 14, 2023

This is the only week you can retweet this pic.twitter.com/DwXONwxQ0T
— Steven Bonaventure x (@absolutegazelle) May 14, 2023

nothing but admiration for the succession writer who said "i know this is a tense, devastating, and pivotal episode for the morality of the major characters…but what if some rando gets wasabi in his eyes & attempts to flush it out with lemon la croix right in the middle?"
— meg succession text posts (@successtextpost) May 15, 2023

"The far left and the far right are both too extreme"

Far left opinion: everyone deserves a place to live, enough food to eat, and free health care as the bare minimum

Far right opinion: everyone I've been taught to hate deserves to be killed
— Lauren McKenzie (@TheMcKenziest) May 14, 2023

from the ashes, a hero rises pic.twitter.com/EK9FdOXiHO
— abby (@abby4thepeople) May 14, 2023

Boss: we're cancelling work from home. Everyone needs to work only from the office. Remote work is inefficient, disruptive, and anti-collaborative.

Office: ok, so no after hours emails, calls, or texts, got it. Wouldn't want to be disruptive and inefficient.

Boss: wait…
— Fuck You I Quit (@fuckyouiquit) May 15, 2023

That gun be speaking to Ja Morant like the Green Goblin mask https://t.co/Mwvlzko0MR
— Dasia (@here2vent21) May 15, 2023

Dillon: so about that video

Memphis: nigga we said under no circumstances
— Charles J. Moore (@charles270) May 14, 2023

"Let's go live on IG."

Ja Morant: "One sec" pic.twitter.com/RlXR5BAg2m
— Shooter McGavin (@ShooterMcGavin_) May 14, 2023

Instagram and Reality pic.twitter.com/elmDhulxJ8
— The Best (@Figensport) May 14, 2023

"Ja we're about to go live on IG!"

Ja Morant: pic.twitter.com/X7A15h8kIO
— sreekar (@sreekyshooter) May 14, 2023

10 years ago today I witnessed someone pull off one of the funniest jokes of all time. pic.twitter.com/WRwMz3UdOF
— Luke Barnett 👨🏻‍🍼 (@LukeBarnett) May 14, 2023

teacher: turn to page 56

page 56: pic.twitter.com/gDGae50Qqb
— albert (@albert12798) May 14, 2023

Expert 😱 pic.twitter.com/GXHGW4mVeE
— Delicious Food (@deliciousfoodc) May 14, 2023

this one exchange was worth twitter's entire existence and torturous decline pic.twitter.com/FBj7i81cej
— sammy 😗 (@sup_im_sammy) May 14, 2023

i say "cool it with the shrimp pal" more often than i encounter shrimp https://t.co/8MJ65dgien pic.twitter.com/4aieRA4upP
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) May 15, 2023

May 15

I'm not seeing Sun Chips around as much as I used to, and I felt they could use a little hyping up. Let's go, Sun Chips. pic.twitter.com/w0KHQaL2g2
— Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) May 15, 2023

Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art* pic.twitter.com/Uf5k3aHkWh
— Ben Davis 🐀 (@bendavis_86) May 15, 2023

Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with "Just so I understand…"
— Taylor Kay Phillips (@TayKayPhillips) May 15, 2023

FOX seeing the WGA strike and breaking an emergency box containing a list of nasty restaurants to send Gordon Ramsay too https://t.co/zr5LooBf9H
— Blake ™ (@NeilNevins) May 15, 2023

In honor of the new charges just filed against Rudy Giuliani, I give you this video about his famous Four Seasons Total Landscaping debacle. I searched for it - glad I found it - it's my favorite Tik-Tok video of all time. I DARE you to watch this and not laugh. pic.twitter.com/hVJlxv5Kwd
— The Shallow State (@OurShallowState) May 16, 2023

6th graders assignment today was to make a self introduction worksheet that had to include your birthday and things you like. Imagine my surprise when I'm handed this pic.twitter.com/GfD0llnpR2
— leck 💫 (@perfectcows) May 15, 2023

To the guy who reported me & got my account locked bc I said I was fucking his grandma: your grandmother & I are going to have a serious talk with you after we finish cleaning up
— dick snickers (@smithsara79) May 15, 2023

https://t.co/7iUl0Nyl5k pic.twitter.com/iv6Badcd22
— SHERRIE VON DOOM 🧠 (@citizenrobot) May 15, 2023

Ok, yes. But also. What if Lil man was getting beamed up because he's the chosen one to unite the 14 galaxies and the umpire hating ass intervened thus dooming Earth, the Milky Way and the other 9 universes? https://t.co/PnhQnv6YTr
— Roy Wood Jr aka Snack Turner (@roywoodjr) May 15, 2023

the 4 Billy Joel song categories

"You Think You're Better Than Me??"
"Look At This Asshole/These Assholes"
"Things Used To Be Better"
"Here's Some Advice, Moron"
— Matthew Perpetua (@perpetua) May 15, 2023

May 16

Car executive wants you to commute. https://t.co/df9y9Z236H
— Scott Nover (@ScottNover) May 16, 2023

I've got some bad news for you Tammy https://t.co/qz1OagLkOG pic.twitter.com/QdAono3cYN
— america's lounge singer (@KrangTNelson) May 16, 2023

it's criminal that there's nothing there to warn him https://t.co/Emlz8aPIWZ
— John (@goatspecialist) May 16, 2023

oh my god why did no one tell me this is what the video looks like pic.twitter.com/pPcff2UeB7
— Tim Hogan (@timjhogan) May 16, 2023

He dressed for the wrong draft https://t.co/cMn09seZgM
— mark (@MLaw_1) May 16, 2023

MARK JACKSON: You cannot feed Garfield lasagna. He is a cat.

JEFF VAN GUNDY: In 1994, I choked on a curly fry at an Arby's in Toledo. I was legally dead for seven minutes. It was the last time I felt joy. I cursed the paramedics who brought me back.

MIKE BREEN: Jokic for two. pic.twitter.com/V9kElo3kpc
— Mike Beauvais (@MikeBeauvais) May 17, 2023

Saw a Tik tok where a dog trainer was like "a lot of people who think they want a dog actually want a cat, they've just never had a cat so they dont know it" and yes
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) May 16, 2023

After the lion spent the night elsewhere and came home, his wife great greeted him.pic.twitter.com/fDa1CHO5cj
— The Best (@Figensport) May 16, 2023

pronouncing the wga and the dga like theyre wu tang members
— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) May 17, 2023

If they made Raiders of the Lost Ark today, they'd probably cram it with woke anti-Nazi propaganda, put in a feisty woman who can outdrink men twice her size, and make the hero keep failing and scared of snakes or some shit, ugh
— James Moran (@jamesmoran) May 16, 2023

Added the Twin Peaks music to the Seinfeld scene where George finds out he killed Susan pic.twitter.com/pBaFpkU0gM
— Sein Peaks (@Seinpeaks) May 16, 2023

Among the greatest promotional photos of all time are these for the 1990 television movie of IT, where it looks like a prestige legal drama about a firm of hot young lawyers and one associate who likes to dress up like a clown. pic.twitter.com/kcVf5PEIZv
— Nat Cassidy | PREORDER "NESTLINGS!" (@natcassidy) May 16, 2023

happy birthday to the movie that brought us this post https://t.co/QC3996yPNz pic.twitter.com/O106Ux3E17
— kathleen (@billtenchbarbie) May 16, 2023

May 17

Tom Cruise movies are entertaining because he's one of the three dudes left in Hollywood who's willing to blow up entire European countrysides to avoid using cgi https://t.co/mxJNXxY4v1
— B0l (@Bolverk15) May 17, 2023

Actually, Frankenstein is the name of the scientist. The name of the monster is Creature_Final_FINAL (this one!)(3)
— Rik Worth (@RikWorth) May 17, 2023

What on Earth are we even doing, how is this not The Onion https://t.co/GFZBdnzp7c pic.twitter.com/33oe4CM0BW
— Bob Herman (@bobjherman) May 17, 2023

me in 2020: wow there is really a shortage of books and memoirs and reported experiences about the 1918 spanish flu pandemic. i wonder why??

me in 2023: so we all just memory holed covid and are never gonna talk about That Whole Thing again huh
— Talia Lavin (@mobydickenergy) May 17, 2023

If A Lot Of People Do Something Wrong, That Makes It Okay. pic.twitter.com/Y1uOBa93Bt
— The Vertlartnic (@TheVertlartnic) May 17, 2023

She was our high school yearbook's photo editor pic.twitter.com/GQ8aVdsAKJ
— Brandon Summers-Miller (@brando_writes) May 17, 2023

Bro peep the refs face wtf😭😭😭Did he have a fucking parlay on this game?
pic.twitter.com/OjcAv4jGVQ
— Mink Flow (@currypistonn) May 18, 2023

I'm not great at math but I'm starting to connect the dots here pic.twitter.com/LMZ1iaU3iF
— BUDDYHEAD ☭ (@Buddyhead) May 17, 2023

May 18

Both sides https://t.co/ldTz2SDACn
— New York Times Pitchbot (@DougJBalloon) May 19, 2023

She's doing the bit https://t.co/Qz5cbr8z8l pic.twitter.com/7WgJjLmtiN
— Eyes on the Right (@EyesOnTheRight) May 18, 2023

Jamie Tartt & Roy Kent are truly the human personification of the muppets (once you seen it you can't unseen it) pic.twitter.com/1l4VRAykpS
— Gigi🐙 ted lasso spoilers (@littleweirdoss) May 18, 2023

[Republican debate]

Trump: backstage, I saw Ron pick an M&M off the floor and eat it. One of the woke colors too.

*Booing*

Desantis: it's not true (to moderator) he's lying!

Trump: he ate it like a dog folks

*laughter*

Desantis: (voice trembling) the blue ones aren't woke!
— L Ron Mexico (@LRonMexico) May 19, 2023

I don't think we're prepared for just how incredibly stupid a Trump-DeSantis primary will be. pic.twitter.com/QqNGPI6a1R
— Kevin M. Kruse (@KevinMKruse) May 18, 2023

amazing. absolutely no notes. pic.twitter.com/OL3U85zpUR
— GOLIKEHELLMACHINE (@golikehellmachi) May 18, 2023

Elon being anti WFH confirms my suspicions that everyone who loves going into work is a loser who cant make friends.
— Marcella Arguello (@marcellacomedy) May 18, 2023

I'm relieved to finally have representation (hoodie and shorts all year long) in Congress. pic.twitter.com/vLHe8zLGJ2
— jordan (@JordanUhl) May 18, 2023

God, I love Paul Rudd.
How could you not find this funny? https://t.co/w3NZeu9kT8 pic.twitter.com/LPeKcPOb6R
— Tom Reagan's Hat (@RufusTSuperfly) May 18, 2023

Ok, is it just me, or is this whole push to AI just happening because the clock ran out on crypto? It seems like exactly the same guys.
— Jessica Ellis (@baddestmamajama) May 19, 2023

Just discovered The Godfather poster from Ghana and just in fucking awe pic.twitter.com/du0VI3KXvx
— Manumilien Robespierre (@ManuclearBomb) May 18, 2023

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: May 19, 2023

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