This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: May 13, 2022
May 6
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haven't gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it's fingers day
โ omosefรฉ. (@birkinmami) May 6, 2022
I just asked my 15 year old daughter what she even does to help around the house and she said, "I represent the family. I'm at school everyday honoring the family name." ๐
โ Shimon Cohen (@ShimonDCohen) May 6, 2022
โจThis is like Hannibal Lecter wearing the face of his victim. https://t.co/MuR5sb0e4B
โ Christian Becker (@TheAmazingBeck) May 7, 2022
The GOAT Orson Welles talking shit, a mega thread pic.twitter.com/Nv1i5UjmPq
โ John Frankensteiner (@JFrankensteiner) May 7, 2022
โ shirts that go hard (@shirtsthtgohard) May 6, 2022โจ
If women who use Plan B abortion pills are murderers, so is every guy who jacks off.
โ Randi Mayem Singer (@rmayemsinger) May 6, 2022
โจI mean, the SCARIEST thing the men who wrote ALIEN (1979) could think of was a living thing taking up residence in your torso then bursting out of you.
โ Olivia Campbell (@liviecampbell) May 6, 2022
โจHEY! IF YOU'RE PLANNING ON SEEING DR. STRANGE THIS WEEKEND, PLEASE READ THIS FIRST:
โ Frank Cvetkovic (he/they) (@GoFrankGo) May 6, 2022
I saw DR. STRANGE today but, it turns out he's out-of-network, so my insurance isn't going to cover it and, what I THOUGHT was going to be a $12 ticket ended up costing me $14,605.
May 7
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Optimist: The glass is ยฝ full.
โ John Feminella ๎จ๐ (@jxxf) May 7, 2022
Pessimist: The glass is ยฝ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
I can't get passed the fact that the line "DOMESTIC SUPPLY OF INFANTS" is from a SCOTUS draft ruling and not from the script of Handmaid's Tale. THIS IS WHAT WE ARE UP AGAINST IN 2022!
โ Erich-Bo-Beric ๐บ๐ธ (@ErichinATL) May 7, 2022
โจfeeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
โ trash jones (@jzux) May 7, 2022
May 8
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man I love this sort of own pic.twitter.com/ijwKrHtZcG
โ farhad manjoo (@fmanjoo) May 9, 2022
โจif you plan to protest at kavanaugh's house, take proper precautions: write something else in your calendar and then cry and say calendars are very important to you
โ Parker Higgins (@xor) May 8, 2022
โจโจif kavanaugh doesn't like the pro abortion protests outside his house, he can simply drive or relocate to a different state. right?
โ joshua (@jdgtranen) May 8, 2022
โจโจEvery time someone on here goes "y'all are overreacting, the Republicans arent banni-" some legislator in Missouri rolls up his sleeves and gets ready to write the craziest law you've ever heard
โ Mother ๐ป ๐ฆ (@punishedmother) May 8, 2022
girls trip!!!!!! Me and my girl cat were in the living room and now we are in the kitchen
โ steph mccann (@steph_mcca) May 9, 2022
May 9
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โจI can understand why chickens wake up and scream
โ Char ๐โ๏ธ (@char_x0) May 10, 2022
โจโจAmerica running out of infant formula the same week it's preparing for an influx of forcefully birthed babies is a little too on the nose
โ Dr. Thrasher (@thrasherxy) May 10, 2022
โจโจA mom at the park confided in me that every morning she lets her kids get in bed w her and watch cartoons in their pjs like she was admitting to letting them do heroin and not have a delightful, cozy family time. Draconian screen time recommendations have really effed parents up
โ Lucy Huber (@clhubes) May 10, 2022
โจโจPpl w babies: I don't see why people stop traveling when they have kids! You can just strap the baby in and GO hiking! Grab a stroller, fly to Europe, it's really all in your mindset
โ Lucy Huber (@clhubes) May 9, 2022
Those ppl a year later w a toddler: it only took us 23 mins to get down the stairs this morning
โจโจWhen I was 5 the chef at Benihana kept tossing shrimp in my mouth and I threw up on the table it cooked my throw up
โ whitmer thomas (@WhitmerThomas) May 9, 2022
โจโจcooking together is NOT romantic, MOVE out my fucking way ๐
โ .'โฐ (@ohIust) May 9, 2022
i don't even wanna know pic.twitter.com/Tm3rf4tyht
โ atomly (@atomly) May 9, 2022
โจWearing my lucky shirt pic.twitter.com/rJgwFr1G60
โ renny ๐บ๐ฆ (@rennyzucker) May 9, 2022
โ absolutely insane youtube comments (@insanepplYT) May 9, 2022โจโจ
โจโจplease don't protest the laws we made about your bodies at our homes because our homes are private and they belong to us.
โ Glennon Doyle (@GlennonDoyle) May 9, 2022
"pRotEsTinG aT pEopLe'S hoUSeS iS wROnG."
โ Brutal Regime Apocalyptic Dreams (@brutal_regime) May 9, 2022
Well, the French throw kitchen sinks through their president's window when they raise the price of gas 10 cents, and they also have free healthcare, so I'm going to beg to differ.
โจApple take they lil $9.99 at the worst time now I gotta eat music for breakfast ๐ญ
โ ๐๐๐ ใ (@fullautojayy) May 10, 2022
Make the guys who name hot sauces fight the guys who name weed
โ Beรซs ๎จ (@human_not_bees) May 9, 2022
May 10
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โจholy shit pic.twitter.com/ozDaBxXsy5
โ Onionโข (they/them) (@ASovietOnion) May 10, 2022
โ cats being weird little guys (@weirdlilguys) May 11, 2022
โจThere's an organization at my work that just sent this out as their pride month logo ๐ฌ pic.twitter.com/o34gJDZuu8
โ Creatina Turner (@BrendanOde) May 10, 2022
โจโจRIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
โ Chad Hartigan (@chadhartigan) May 10, 2022
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu...
โจโจsome of you have never had to download mp3s one by one and painstakingly change the song title and artist credits for it to appear somewhat put together on your ipod and it shows
โ local 94zphile (@houseofwhalien) May 10, 2022
โจโจhappy to announce that we are broken social scene now. not exactly sure how it works? but like we are just that band now
โ N ๐ช๐น E ๐๐ฎ๐ผ (@NapEyes) May 10, 2022
โจโจThis is probably in the top 5 coolest things I ever found on the ground pic.twitter.com/2umSA6waSa
โ 10000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 (@paynushaver) May 11, 2022
โจโจThe only stat that matters pic.twitter.com/Pzk2eHLpX0
โ La Befana (@Sandernista412) May 10, 2022
โจโจim a 9/11 last responder, i just arrived on the scene today. looks like it's already been taken care of
โ Mr. Meat Scraps (@ReallyLoudFart) May 10, 2022
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash. pic.twitter.com/WELqQFXVoa
โ Abe Goldfarb (@AbeGoldfarb) May 10, 2022
โจJohnny Knoxville https://t.co/bOfOBXBjVw
โ whitmer thomas (@WhitmerThomas) May 11, 2022
โจโจIT'S. BECAUSE. WE. DON'T. GO. PLACES. https://t.co/dGoo0Yjzzt
โ Summer Sandiego (@summerasana) May 10, 2022
before therapy: i hate people
โ cassie cao (@thecassiecao) May 10, 2022
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
โจโจGetting racially profiled in stores hack:
โ Kayla Ancrum โจMURDER OF CROWS OUT NOW!โจ (@KaylaAncrum) May 10, 2022
When they ask if you need help, say YES enthusiastically, then make them your personal assistant/shopper for the duration of your stay in the store. Ask questions and tell personal anecdotes until their eyes start darting towards escape.
โจโจPro tip: if you have a student's mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
โ Andrew Friedson (@FriedsonAndrew) May 10, 2022
Fight ๐ฅ with ๐ฅ
Happy for the woman that got her period in the 11th hour. ๐๐พ๐ pic.twitter.com/badaHePSWC
โ r u ok? (@BtSquared2) May 10, 2022
May 11
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โจi don't mind dating they/thems but this is ridiculous pic.twitter.com/GjZt9zCu79
โ ๐๐๐ฌ๐ก๐๐ช (@tinywienerbabe) May 11, 2022
The worst part of being nonbinary is not getting to shout anything during Hey Ya
โ Clara Olshansky (@ClaraOlshansky) May 11, 2022
โจtoday's 5/11 or as some guys call it 6/1
โ mrs. iglesias (@apesgonewiild) May 11, 2022
https://t.co/yEGXqJ4PFy pic.twitter.com/KcgKPU3QZS
โ Jesรบs Malverde (@DJTosin) May 11, 2022
โจPurge night at the park tomorrow
โ Disneyland (@Disneyland2go) May 11, 2022
โจโจcrazy to think that the full name of the movie is Extra Terrestrial the Extra Terrestrial
โ linc (@lincnotfound) May 11, 2022
โจโจSo few of you have lived through a full James Cameron cycle before. Everyone will expect him to fail this time and then two billion people will pay to watch a screensaver where blue cats hug whales. It's pointless to fight it.
โ Paul Ford (@ftrain) May 11, 2022
I love the way disaster movies are like "there is ONE kind of dad and he is DIVORCED and UNRELIABLE and will SAVE THE DAY"
โ Sarah Hollowell ๐ (@sarahhollowell) May 11, 2022
โจโจJoe Manchin, who doesn't support women's rights, told reporters he doesn't support women's rights today, which was similar to when he said he didn't support women's rights back in February.
โ Elie Mystal (@ElieNYC) May 11, 2022
More on this breaking story as it develops...
โ animals going goblin mode (@mischiefanimals) May 11, 2022
a perfect metaphor for the death of crypto pic.twitter.com/0VhYPfXoRF
โ ๐๐๐ฌ๐ก๐๐ช (@tinywienerbabe) May 11, 2022
โจEvery time I hear people talking about NFTs I think of this pic.twitter.com/d2THh3F6TF
โ Potato Guard (@feistybunnygirl) May 11, 2022
May 12
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With the collapse of crypto, hoarders of digital apes look like fools, while those of us who have been hoarding physical apes, previously scorned, now look like geniuses
โ pixelatedboat aka "mr tweets" (@pixelatedboat) May 12, 2022
โจToday I had to explain to a grown man (aged 52) that women do not have a continuous supply of milk. He thought it was something that happened in puberty, that women get a period and milk at the same time. He thought that.
โ โโOkie Space Queen (@OkieSpaceQueen) May 12, 2022
Love how the men who think women with six-month-old babies can just start producing breast milk are the same ppl who think they know enough about pregnancy to make laws about it.
โ Rebecca Makkai (@rebeccamakkai) May 12, 2022
โจAmerica is the fact that 3 editors have asked me to write about the formula shortage but I can't do it because of a different crisis, which is that I have no childcare for the same child I also don't have formula for.
โ Hillary Kelly (@HillaryKelly) May 12, 2022
โจAt my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
โ Margo Howard (@Margoandhow) May 12, 2022
Left the back door open at my friend's house and her roomba escaped. Hope he goes on an adventure and cleans the whole world
โ Carmen Lagala (@CarmenLagala) May 12, 2022
โจtheres only 4 vegan sausage rolls left in this greggsand the two ppl in front of me have mullets im literally sweating
โ Meg ๐ฉ (@mxgbx) May 12, 2022
i've started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i'm better than everyone
โ Alex Murdoch (@alexgmurd) May 12, 2022