May 5
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
— Viorica Marian (@VioricaMarian1) May 5, 2018
DJ Khaled: I don't do that.
— John Elrod II (@LOTNorm) May 5, 2018
Every man on Twitter for the next 24 hours: pic.twitter.com/reHIwH8BPI
"Let's go Gary, this shit ain't worth it 🐾"pic.twitter.com/5xVzt4bAWD
— UnsilentMajority 🌹 (@The_UnSilent_) May 5, 2018
May 6
pic make it looks like LeBron is ascending into heaven and Love doesn't want to get left behind pic.twitter.com/ek5bgbWoz5
— 🏀playoff basketball shrill 🏀 (@theshrillest) May 6, 2018
Donald Glover is doing what Kanye thinks he's doing
— inspyr✨ (@iinspyr) May 6, 2018
one of the things the Woody doll says is "there's a snake in my boot." both of his boots are glued on. i mean have you even considered that? what a nightmare.
— Pete Holmes (@peteholmes) May 6, 2018
May 7
LET YOUR DOG STOP AND SMELL THINGS ON HIS WALK pic.twitter.com/k1YbpTpKHr
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) May 7, 2018
Welcome to Kansas. pic.twitter.com/CsobIoike9
— You Had One Job (@_youhadonejob1) May 7, 2018
Divine knew. pic.twitter.com/0PTy3PgUyB
— Michelle (@SoSofieFatale) May 7, 2018
May 8
hey @BarackObama, imagine the gun-control legislation Trump would immediately pass if you joined the NRA
— Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) May 8, 2018
If Obama had found the cure to cancer Trump wouldn't let us use it.
— billy eichner (@billyeichner) May 8, 2018
*on Ellen*
— rav (@Doughbvy) May 8, 2018
ELLEN: so i hear u tweet about wanting to die
ME: haha yeah, i do
*Death comes out, creeps up behind me*
ME: omg ellen you didnt
May 9
Um, what? pic.twitter.com/IlTwbppo3h
— Al Yankovic (@alyankovic) May 10, 2018
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) May 10, 2018
I'm listening to a self-help audio book about patience at 1.5X speed.
— Morgan Murphy (@morgan_murphy) May 9, 2018
I still care about the fact that Trump falsified his medical records by dictating a letter to his doctor, even though we learned about it 8 days ago
— Judd Legum (@JuddLegum) May 10, 2018
Very worried for the people that check to see if a celebrity unfollowed another celebrity. Doctors need to read into this disorder. We must learn more.
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) May 9, 2018
May 10
Sad to hear about all those shows being cancelled, but luckily the sitcom Doughy Schlub With An Implausibly Attractive Wife has been renewed for 18 more seasons
— popular comedy account "the pixelated boat" (@pixelatedboat) May 10, 2018
"Marisa Tomei" is an anagram for "It's-a me, Mario"
— Parker Higgins (@xor) May 10, 2018
The Benghazi Investigation
— Dana Gould (@danagould) May 11, 2018
4 years
0 indictments
Clinton email investigation
2 years
0 indictments
Russian collusion investigation
14 months
23 indictments
"Clearly there's nothing there. Let's wrap it up!"
Here's your reminder that Kim Jong Un took 3 Americans hostage, sentenced one to hard labor & deprived another of sunlight. Or, as Trump says, "really was excellent to these people."#MAGA folk, reality will welcome you back with open arms whenever you're ready.
— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) May 11, 2018
May 11
Twitter: Where if you ask for advice, you get joke replies and if you make a joke, you get genuine advice.
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) May 11, 2018
I would love to hear someone from AT&T and Novartis explain why it was a mistake to hire Michael Cohen, because it seems like the only honest response is "Because we got caught."
— Jon Favreau (@jonfavs) May 11, 2018
