In and out of a cup, Chuck and Nancy stood up, neutered like my pup, Hunt's ketchup, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

February 25

one time at a club in LA before my set the host said "ignore Gary Busey"
he was in the front row, I looked at him, he yelled my entire set then he came back stage shook my hand and said "so great you were my favorite" then he went to the comic next to me and said the same thing
— Matt O'Brien (@matt_obrien) February 25, 2022

A parking space in downtown Toronto makes $27/hr. I, a real person with thoughts and feelings, capable of suffering, makes less than a goddamn parking space.
— Dumpster (@bolanlikes2rock) February 25, 2022

no shade Socrates but I would have figured all that shit out too if I was like the fifth person alive
— baby bacala (@mouthfeeel) February 26, 2022

Menstruating time is a time for rest. Not labor. Not the gym. Those tampon commercials are all marketing. Go lay down.
— Black Midwife (@SassyE) February 25, 2022

brb I have to go get some money from pic.twitter.com/FY0RfDQPKy
— Amar Risbud (@bummer_no_b) February 26, 2022

me showing up to see the batman next friday pic.twitter.com/RqB44fPAak
— bronco been henry (@kyndallrene) February 27, 2022

What if we kissed at the Superman fellatio fountain pic.twitter.com/NsbAT3pDbT
— certifiably feral (@perseusthefool) February 26, 2022

yo why tf this bread look like handsome squidward pic.twitter.com/sT0gU6B3s7
— your pal Benny (@bennygummm) February 26, 2022

i can't believe they fucking milked him. pic.twitter.com/ugKAj0cwwz
— smeet but unloveable. (@snurgle_) February 26, 2022

pic.twitter.com/vFDsYryz9E
— Conservative Self-Owns (@ConSelfOwns) February 27, 2022

My dad would have been 90 today. Several yrs ago I was at his house on his birthday and a huge bouquet arrived. 'Who are those from?' I asked. He rolled his eyes. 'Elizabeth Taylor. We were born one day apart & she sends these every year to remind me I'm a day older than her.' 🎂
— rosanne cash (@rosannecash) February 26, 2022

[fiending for gossip] im here if u wanna talk
— clintoris (NPC arc) (@clintoris) February 27, 2022

My neighbor asked to borrow ketchup (yes, I know a neighbor) & gave me attitude cuz it was Hunt's and not Heinz so I pulled it back & refused to give it to her and now our altercation is on a neighborhood app. What I'm saying is we're living in the stupidest timeline in history.
— Woodrow Peel (@WoodyLuvsCoffee) February 27, 2022

February 27

Ur on wordle, I'm on my 30th attempt to guess my own password
— aurora… (@silicone_angel) February 27, 2022

Getting wordle in one guess is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. My dad looked me in the eyes and called me a liar. My friends are putting me on trial in the group text and I'm losing.
— Michael Benjamin (@mfbenji) February 27, 2022

Not only am I not making any progress on finding a boyfriend, I'm not making progress on finding a male best friend I can later marry when we both give up
— Ginny Hogan_ (@ginnyhogan_) February 27, 2022

This farmer stealing a tank. pic.twitter.com/y6YCiZvQIr
— Helen Kennedy 🌻 (@HelenKennedy) February 27, 2022

February 28

Unvaccinated ppl going to sleep tn knowing they can enter moxies tomorrow pic.twitter.com/B9Tpe4DSXz
— Pastor Kyle. (@itsqail) February 28, 2022

This tax stuff is way too hard I think I'm just gonna go to jail
— Daniel G 🍌 (@DanielitoG25) February 28, 2022

pic.twitter.com/9Qqd2gTIVo
— rapper name-dropping jacob the jeweler in 2022 (@websiteidi0t) February 28, 2022

my boss asked me where i see myself in 5 yrs and i told him "not here" and now i'm in a meeting with HR
— lili michelle لیلی (@lilsmichelle) February 28, 2022

10 minutes is a damn tedtok https://t.co/tLway2iNV4
— hunter harris (@hunteryharris) February 28, 2022

 
March 1

My therapist just said 'kids are very resilient' and I said 'why do all adults need therapy then?' And she just looked into the middle distance for a bit + seemed to reassess quite a lot of things
— Amy Mason (@AmyCMason) March 1, 2022

I can't wrap my mind around the existence of this clip. pic.twitter.com/1XvBYWlMxg
— Vera Bergengruen (@VeraMBergen) March 2, 2022

When I want to support somebody's tweet but I see everybody is flaming them in the comments pic.twitter.com/f9OQivmKpW
— AC Tatum (@actatumonline) March 2, 2022

flies after they land on bread
pic.twitter.com/BW0b46lT67
— karl barx sprigatito edition 🐶 (@greesybarx) March 2, 2022

Wes Anderson should STOP making movies and START designing high concept putt putt courses in the myrtle beach area
— Walt (@waltlilly) March 2, 2022

Our HOA has sent a letter asking this sign be taken down. The letter included a pic of the sign taken from across the street where the only legible thing was "WE BELIEVE". It looks like I'll be attending my first HOA meeting soon, as I have decided that this is the hill I die on pic.twitter.com/NzaJNachri
— Robert Jordan Hunt (@robertjhunt) March 1, 2022

I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don't play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
— Stone (@StoneAgeRadio13) March 1, 2022

So this just happened on Wheel of Fortune. pic.twitter.com/FgVunCEmDg
— Kenny (@KennyK089) March 2, 2022

You will not regret spending 1 minute and 9 seconds of your life on this video. pic.twitter.com/3LGixLgNN1
— Nathan (@NathansPuns) March 2, 2022

March 2

The impact of Sam Raimi's Spider-Man 3. pic.twitter.com/ncoj5DFPSo
— Sam Raimi Updates (@SamRaimiUpdates) March 3, 2022

"Obsessed with these vibes" I say as I endlessly rewatch this video of schoolchildren cheering on a construction worker every time he shovels more dirt pic.twitter.com/GvXg5dNB2n
— jonno revanche (@jonnoxrevanche) March 3, 2022

bro what if it was OUR chemical romance
— Swim Jeans👖 (@ShortSleeveSuit) March 2, 2022

This is it guys. The pinnacle of the internet. We've done it! Pack it up, it's over. pic.twitter.com/EkqHgag0vO
— I'm Jeff 🍻 (@fyvie2) March 2, 2022

Anyway I'm old enough to remember when they declared normalcy in April 2020, August 2020, February 2021, March 2021, July 2021 and November 2021 but this is definitely the real one, I can feel it.
— department of vibes (@libraryluna) March 3, 2022

Me at 17: what if people think I'm stupid
Me at 37: they all know I'm stupid but there's nothing they can do to stop me
— Matt the 💪Buff Joker Dude💪 (@RetvrnOfTheMatt) March 2, 2022

adulting is just saying 'after next week i should be more free' every week
— DV (@daniellevitalis) March 2, 2022

Solid advice pic.twitter.com/xHgK1OYyZM
— Fuck You I Quit (@fuckyouiquit) March 2, 2022

I like how The Batman is titled what your aunt would call it.
— Patrick Fisackerly (@fisackerly) March 3, 2022

March 3

One thing I liked about the Nolan Batmans was how after the Scarecrow was defeated he got to just keep popping up in the other movies and just be a little annoying for a minute. None of the other modern reboots have just let guys come back to be a little annoying
— Jon Blair (@okjonblair) March 3, 2022

the answer to this is actually yes https://t.co/plmseAzlGv https://t.co/zzVw7FvwGN pic.twitter.com/ye3BwQpcqM
— Adam Feibel (@adamfeibel) March 3, 2022

I don't want to watch this movie I want to watch Grueling Madonna Bootcamp pic.twitter.com/nhJdlKEqen
— Stewart&Chill (@Stewartandchill) March 3, 2022

…………. pic.twitter.com/pUmAyKRea9
— Betty Bloodletter (@BBloodletter) March 3, 2022

My friend went to LA pic.twitter.com/c9i5pO53U5
— in a panoramic? (@_haaniyah_) March 3, 2022

Love when a book has a middle section that's just like 15 pages of pictures. Hell yeah, give my brain a break. Time to look at some black and white photos
— jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) March 3, 2022

Starting to see "nuclear war wouldn't be that bad" takes from people who couldn't endure wearing a cloth mask and dining outside.
— Christopher Keelty (he/him) 🏳️‍🌈 (@keeltyc) March 3, 2022

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: March 4, 2022

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