This should just be what skiing is, American journalist, Scott Adams won't see this, the coolest guy to ever exist, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

February 24

cocaine bear pic.twitter.com/xreUcFLUnN
— derek guy (@dieworkwear) February 25, 2023

me my flaps pic.twitter.com/CzCnyb013k
— mr pussy (@_mrpussy) February 24, 2023

absolutely losing it over this american journalist discovering... a train

you're telling me you just walk on and sit down??? pic.twitter.com/j2xlRiGtU2
— juan (@juanbuis) February 24, 2023

Cannot make this up. Jim Jordan, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Lauren Boebert and other Republicans just sent a letter to Pete Buttigieg attacking him for the train derailment without knowing that the train oversight board… isn't part of his department. pic.twitter.com/ZU9UeygeUh
— No Lie with Brian Tyler Cohen (@NoLieWithBTC) February 24, 2023

Just now learning that the Daily Mail used to cover Mad Men episodes like celebrity gossip pic.twitter.com/lfIrNBQGyc
— Ben Crew (@BenjaminCrew1) February 24, 2023

Top 15 types of museum goers:

-Pants with no belt
-Mustache
-Cape
-Giant camera
-Rude
-Leans in to read didactic
-Won't control child
-Is actually an artist though
-Pensive walk
-Fanny pack
-Bored husband
-Beret
-Won't stop touching
-Platform shoe girls
-Says "this isn't art"
— Freddie Rivas 🇨🇦🇳🇮 (@FreddieRivas) February 25, 2023

bestie they are dead. https://t.co/bWDZDxNJ9p
— be gay do crimes abolish the police ✨✨✨ (@janna_e_haider) February 25, 2023

Good morning to everyone except Tim. Tim, your time is coming. pic.twitter.com/TR9sZWKgOr
— Bread Pyramid Thing (@redpyrameadhead) February 24, 2023

tomorrow https://t.co/8ORutHi9sJ
— alex (@userctrI) February 24, 2023

♬ Fabelmans! Fablemans!
Does whatever a fable can!
Spielberg's back, tell your ma,
With a love letter to cinema!
Look out! Here comes the Fabelmans! ♬ pic.twitter.com/sTemxAJMwb
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) February 25, 2023

Pic of my wife and I going to get coffee pic.twitter.com/CjaL2P1eYd
— Chris Locke (@chrislockeworld) February 24, 2023

I love that this duo knows to protect & maintain the spa-like peacefulness of the target experience https://t.co/CA9Zt9qHk3
— Chelsea Peretti (@chelseaperetti) February 24, 2023

February 25

Every day I walk into a random business and say this scene verbatim to the first employee I see pic.twitter.com/pLS15aL55M
— Ben Crew (@BenjaminCrew1) February 25, 2023

the only ethical use of AI is to deepfake sufjan stevens singing about the rest of the 50 states
— zach silberberg (@zachsilberberg) February 25, 2023

My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win. pic.twitter.com/8cGGBpmliY
— Travis Chapman (@Travispaints) February 25, 2023

We ain't never getting them books. Respect a player when you see him in the streets. RR stands for respect the real. pic.twitter.com/x7Oo25KQQ8
— Rod (@rodimusprime) February 25, 2023

sandwich that tastes like a sandwich with chicken pic.twitter.com/AsmaqUPHXv
— fucked up looking food (@fuckedupfoods) February 26, 2023

Same thing I say at Red Lobster's Ultimate Endless Shrimp event. pic.twitter.com/UN5GoMB4n1
— Dave Shumka (@daveshumka) February 25, 2023

no person on earth is a greater scoundrel and fucker than the person who owned your home before you. thanks for saving $18 buying the heater with no identifiable model number that takes Dumbass sized filters you honorless fuck
— georgia-lux 🐁 (@troughofluxury) February 25, 2023

1993 on welfare : could afford apartment
2005 : fry cook : could afford apartment
2009 : musician: could afford apartment
2023 : making the most money I've ever made in my life can't afford shit
— BA Johnston (@BAJohnston) February 25, 2023

didn't have my glasses on and thought they were the gay couple from modern family https://t.co/HmxSEEy490
— bailey moon (@Baileymoon15) February 25, 2023

Scott Adams blocked me ages ago, so he won't see this… but here's my Dilbert tribute. pic.twitter.com/E5VpwNFqm0
— Lukey McGarry (@lukeymcgarry) February 25, 2023

This makes me laugh so so hard pic.twitter.com/gVDwor99JJ
— Joseph Mwamba (@JoeMightLikeTV) February 25, 2023

  February 26

it's amazing that there is one sitcom on television that shows the people of Philadelphia being wholesome and celebrating community and one sitcom that shows the people of Philadelphia to be the most depraved and deranged people alive
— almond taylor-joy (@jesterbestie) February 27, 2023

bro went on a massacre 😭 pic.twitter.com/fSNt2tUsWY
— best viral images 🏆 (@bestviralimgs) February 26, 2023

there I was, alone in my hotel room, in glorious Oregon,

trying to come down, from the veritable quandaries of yet another scintillating buzzer beating ending to a Conference of Champions BB game,

I had the TV on, https://t.co/uMoXqhqbUn
— Bill Walton (@BillWalton) February 27, 2023

EEAAO is going to win Oscars, including possibly best picture, and it's gonna be like when Shape of Water swept: people who didn't like it will complain that it's "Oscar bait" or a typical Oscar movie as if banging a fish man or having a kung fu buttplug fight is typical
— Matt Zoller Seitz (@mattzollerseitz) February 27, 2023

the man literally cannot post to save his life. it's tragic. all he wants is to be able to post. but he can't. pic.twitter.com/6GT0gWxEH0
— Nicky Woolf (@NickyWoolf) February 26, 2023

Day 1 - 'Greta Thunberg check out my cars'

Day 73 - 'my dearest Barbara, today I fought a ghost' pic.twitter.com/FXugADxfSi
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) February 26, 2023

This is the perfect way to end my night
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
(Zoom in) pic.twitter.com/V9scKlkzmE
— DutchessPrim💙 (@dutchessprim) February 27, 2023

I know it's not nice but I can't stop laughing at this tweet. pic.twitter.com/8eyi943IjT
— Jill Filipovic (@JillFilipovic) February 26, 2023

pic.twitter.com/G8IXBzK269
— No Context Brits (@NoContextBrits) February 26, 2023

GO GO GADGET ASS pic.twitter.com/rcyvvXlZGQ
— Chicken WingDings 🇵🇸 (@eBridget) February 27, 2023

No way! pic.twitter.com/FHXMdY2Rgq
— Jaz🛡️🌐🔗 (@Jazzie654) February 27, 2023

Loblaws gonna Loblaw pic.twitter.com/2sk0qR75sc
— Halifax ReTales (@HalifaxReTales) February 26, 2023

This might be the hardest jacket I've ever seen pic.twitter.com/FnL4r0TFVb
— Hootie (@BrodTHEchode69) February 26, 2023

Can confirm. https://t.co/0Ja5nEYdum
— Jon Cryer (@MrJonCryer) February 26, 2023

That's right! And not only does he spread positivity through his platform as a public figure, he also despises lawbreaking. Google "mark wahlberg hate crimes" to learn more https://t.co/rU70mm3ruG
— denesthetic (@dennisbhooper) February 27, 2023

I'm crying he done ran out of British people to call https://t.co/8UzxMLjFE8
— HOOD VOGUE is tired of poverty (@keyon) February 26, 2023

bone free zone pic.twitter.com/pUwzWc2B4j
— cats being weird little guys (@weirdlilguys) February 26, 2023

Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week. pic.twitter.com/MHlGmz9Ph2
— fragrance and foolishness (@Brieyonce) February 27, 2023

February 27

  

I think you might have something else https://t.co/gxtATwqbfh
— Kafka, Esq. 🧌 (@metalgearobama) February 28, 2023

i'm crying pic.twitter.com/sSbaTI7jEF
— youngmi mayer (@ymmayer) February 27, 2023

Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands? pic.twitter.com/MeDvQCERM7
— Doglover (@puppiesDoglover) February 27, 2023

This is very normal and going very well. pic.twitter.com/asLsyQXjQ6
— Helen Kennedy 🌻 (@HelenKennedy) February 27, 2023

These just became, like, ten times funnier. pic.twitter.com/D0KgrnjEL0
— willy 🌜💧 (@willystaley) February 27, 2023

Jim Davis could be a straight-up serial killer and we'll never know. Dude was smart enough to realize that a mega money idea like "fat cat who likes lasagna" rolls around once in a lifetime and he's not about to let politics or anything else derail that gravy train
— Emperor Norton (@ashleynaftule) February 27, 2023

He's the one in the back. https://t.co/BOCY8LOEi3
— Gourmet Spud (@gourmetspud) February 27, 2023

I think about this Serge and OG clip three times a day pic.twitter.com/ixXKoYi1OP
— J.E. Skeets (@jeskeets) February 28, 2023

pic.twitter.com/9ky8wFuN85
— Satan (@s8n) February 27, 2023

Finally paid off my vodka cran from last month. God is good 🙌 pic.twitter.com/ruoINj97bs
— Ian (@ianfluencer) February 27, 2023

when I think of the crowd at a yo la tengo concert this is definitely what comes to mind pic.twitter.com/NkO9vihzsZ
— Nate Rogers (@Nate_Rgrs) February 27, 2023

didn't want AMC theaters or Cocaine Bear to miss out on a good opportunity for a promotional tie-in, so I spent the weekend making these signs pic.twitter.com/B5Fyq8GgtJ
— Logan Guntzelman (@adirtyguntz) February 27, 2023

The Oscars watching a streaming SAG Awards ceremony with no unfunny bits, fun archival footage instead of commercials, and uninterrupted, heartfelt speeches not being played off stage by music. pic.twitter.com/h6GHFbitmj
— itsonlyzach (@itsonlyzach) February 27, 2023

February 28

QUICK QUESTION:

Is it "for fucks sake" or "for fuck sake"

It's for a work email, so has to sound
professional.
— mariana Z (@mariana057) February 28, 2023

Companies on March 1st: pic.twitter.com/q900hA9SSf
— yusef i reown (@yusefireown) March 1, 2023

Disclaimer. I am totally in the wrong here. I sold a dress on Depop then totally forgot about it. Looked at the app for the first time in ages today and I am SCREAMING. pic.twitter.com/axs6pctwOT
— Sinéad (@SMReidWrites) February 28, 2023

When I laugh on my period pic.twitter.com/0JDR1JWlDz
— Aisha ☆ (@princessjahadd) February 28, 2023

I told y'all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭 pic.twitter.com/PQI1bAPrZr
— chris evans (@notcapnamerica) March 1, 2023

every american president, but they're all cool and they all sport a mullet

46. Joe Biden pic.twitter.com/qoE9AJSxj5
— Cam Harless (@hamcarless) March 1, 2023

Hate when that happens. I was attacked and screamed at in 2018 by an insane woman named Marjorie Taylor Greene. She had no respect for the privacy of me as an 18 year old school shooting survivor or my staff.
She was self righteous, insane, and completely out of control. https://t.co/N3bIFuFzgS
— David Hogg ☮️ (@davidhogg111) February 28, 2023

I am irrationally angry this never occurred to me. pic.twitter.com/zbUnXyiVGr
— Aram (@AramVartian) February 28, 2023

If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.⁣⁣
— National Park Service (@NatlParkService) February 28, 2023

We're reaching levels of divorced that would have seemed impossible only a few years ago https://t.co/TF7V9leLEB
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) February 28, 2023

L O L… These hearings aren't going great for Republicans pic.twitter.com/2AHijtF6U8
— Acyn (@Acyn) February 28, 2023

pic.twitter.com/ba5Vs1Rm8y
— NO CONTEXT HUMANS 👤 (@HumansNoContext) February 28, 2023

 
 March 1

Aubrey Plaza and Jenna Ortega.

This vibe is everything. pic.twitter.com/W3GA5cfHqn
— AskAubry 🦝 (@ask_aubry) March 1, 2023

Lol the words "head full of hair" are really doing a lot of heavy lifting pic.twitter.com/sucZktWXet
— Read Jackson Rising by @CooperationJXN (@JoshuaPHilll) March 1, 2023

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
— jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) March 2, 2023

One of the most important texts of our time pic.twitter.com/QmHfXSEcVu
— the pleasure barracks (@abolisao) March 1, 2023

The first known customer service complaint. pic.twitter.com/SGUIVYMGkv
— Fascinating (@fasc1nate) March 2, 2023

CAR LOOK LIKE THE FIRST TOMB RAIDER TITTIES https://t.co/suvhRrKu2O
— THE KID MERO 🇩🇴 (@THEKIDMERO) March 2, 2023

I am a little worried about Mr. Dimiceli pic.twitter.com/dV0LVIPDLJ
— Kenny Lay (Parody) (@EnronChairman) March 2, 2023

The coolest guy to ever exist was recently captured on film pic.twitter.com/oqJvdaop6b
— Microplastics Enjoyer (@EclecticHams) March 1, 2023

therapists react to you hating your job pic.twitter.com/HPbaC91uOF
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) March 1, 2023

ishmael: https://t.co/6fcOh6Pkl4
— alex (@alex_abads) March 1, 2023

this is spinal tap levels of comedy pic.twitter.com/zeCjPFzhgc
— R Y A N (@RyanAllenb) March 1, 2023

Feels like you've tripped up on the first hurdle here pic.twitter.com/i93AYG18sv
— James Colley (@JamColley) March 2, 2023

No only did this $8 tweet cost Eli Lilly $15 billion in market cap, it eventually led to an insulin price cap. I think we can safely call this the greatest shitpost in the history of the internet. https://t.co/CW35uNvQxA pic.twitter.com/GlGncFiuQ2
— TW (@twesq) March 1, 2023

This report from the woke FBI, who I deeply despise and don't trust, vindicates me entirely. China must be punished for leaking this virus that I've spent 3 years comparing to the common cold.
— chris (@MrTooDamnChris) March 1, 2023

Opinion | I was cancelled and silenced. Here is my New York Times op-ed describing it all.
— New York Times Pitchbot (@DougJBalloon) March 1, 2023

The thing I'll never get over is conservatives complaining they can't say what they think anymore. Is there anything more inescapable in modern life than the ceaseless monotonous drumbeat of conservatives all telling all the rest of us everything they all think?
— A.R. Moxon (@JuliusGoat) March 2, 2023

March 2

War is peace.

Freedom is slavery.

Ignorance is strength.

Working from home ages you.

Commuting is good for your mental health.https://t.co/n3GAJJc22A
— T. Ryan Gregory (@TRyanGregory) March 2, 2023

stranger: is this snake poisonous?

us: nah fam,

stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*

us: it's venomous tho
— Oklahoma Department of Wildlife Conservation (@OKWildlifeDept) March 2, 2023

The funniest clickbait image I've seen in a while pic.twitter.com/ai4rMVZMLV
— Scott Aukerman (@ScottAukerman) March 2, 2023

Pretty sure I would've heard by now if the penises of like 70% of men in this country were "rotting off" but maybe people are great at keepin' secrets! https://t.co/jKBISfi8my
— Ben Collins (@oneunderscore__) March 2, 2023

Pov: you're not getting a tip https://t.co/olY3uth39v
— andrew (@mrnastynodrama) March 3, 2023

the de facto leader of their party lives in an actual country club https://t.co/QVtMLLL7PZ
— shauna (@goldengateblond) March 2, 2023

Toronto is truly a city without news pic.twitter.com/eB2rHv5ljR
— Sam Rudykoff (@SamRudykoff) March 2, 2023

They're innovating pic.twitter.com/by4HCawfD9
— Mr. Bedtime (@InternetHippo) March 3, 2023

Wish he woulda dropped 15 https://t.co/dwE0wW3S79
— Rory. (@RawrEWreckz) March 2, 2023

This should just be what skiing is https://t.co/Kbw5QebU6f
— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) March 2, 2023

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: March 3, 2023

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