March 23
don't ask me why but here's 22 seconds of catherine o'hara saying bebe pic.twitter.com/PjCX0Vq9NJ
— hattie (@hattiesoykan) March 23, 2019
Best film I've seen in ages pic.twitter.com/ywUHsZHOlO
— Santero (@djsantero) March 23, 2019
My son just handed me a form to sign so he can take sex education. Which means parents are still being given the option to opt out of sex education for kids. Which explains why some of our fellow twitter users are so confused about basic human functions.
— Lisa Snowden-McCray (@LisaMcCray) March 23, 2019
Every disaster movie starts with the president ignoring a scientist.
— Undercover Dire Wolf (@UndercoverDire) March 23, 2019
That dude in the background is the wind beneath my wings. https://t.co/RraxcrDjPe
— Lisa 🏳️🌈 (@xLiserx) March 23, 2019
Being gay isn't a choice, it's an involuntary thing that happens when J.K. Rowling decides it's your time.
— James Potter (@dontforgetjames) March 23, 2019
March 24
Can you get pregnant without getting a netflix special?
— Jean Creamery (@kylekinane) March 24, 2019
Did not imagine a world where they were able to indict Aunt Becky before Donald Trump.
— billy eichner (@billyeichner) March 24, 2019
this is twitter not google https://t.co/A9TrWlxx4z
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) March 24, 2019
reminder that tacko fall starred in one of the greatest vines ever pic.twitter.com/25x5Bu3w58
— Jordan Heck (@JordanHeckFF) March 24, 2019
cashier: would you like a receipt?
— to aaron is human (@humanaaron) March 24, 2019
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
March 25
The internet should close at night.
— Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) March 25, 2019
I hate people who are like "So & so got me sick." What are you, fuckin Columbo the epidemiologist? The world's a toilet. You got yourself sick. Fuck off & stop blaming others for your filth.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) March 25, 2019
Here's a flow chart to help manage expectations in current politics:
— Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) March 25, 2019
Would it be good?
|
|
————
|
It won't happen.
I've never told this story about Garry Shandling because I felt like it would violate some weird vow I made to myself 25 years ago. But here, missing Garry on the 3rd anniversary of his death, I'd like to tell it. https://t.co/bbVQ9a5fkQ
— Ed Solomon (@ed_solomon) March 25, 2019
March 26
Is "It's Nikki fuckin' Sixx, he's not about to die in my ambulance" the greatest line in the history of film?
— Jon Wurster (@jonwurster) March 26, 2019
JERY: no colusion?
— Seinfeld Current Day (@Seinfeld2000) March 26, 2019
KRAM: NO COLUSION
JERY: how do you know
KRAM: i got the report rite here! my friend bob sacamano got a copy
GERG: this is a pile of papers, its all out of order
KRAM: he didnt have time to collate it
JERY: so there was no collation?
KRAM: NO COLLATION
[God making soup]
— Roxi Horror 💀🌸 (@roxiqt) March 26, 2019
ANGEL: so I need hot water & then I can add literally anything else to it?
GOD: yup
ANGEL: tomatoes?
GOD: tomato soup
ANGEL: a chicken?
GOD: chicken soup
ANGEL: an Italian wedding?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Italian wedding soup
this is not photoshopped, feel like thats an important clarification to make here pic.twitter.com/fEQ3ySaPPf
— Andrew Lawrence (@ndrew_lawrence) March 26, 2019
March 27
White House yesterday: Liberals have created a delusional fantasy in their heads that we're supervillains
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) March 27, 2019
White House today: We're defunding the Special Olympics to pay for a racism wall
I just asked @jenstatsky if she would've been my friend in high school and she responded "we would've been in a lot of the same classes..." and it's the meanest thing anyone has ever said to me
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) March 27, 2019
I know everyone's mad at the new Aladdin, and I agree! There will always only be one Genie... and that's the one at California Adventure that only does topical references! pic.twitter.com/5oCjukP0Xx
— Jude Tedmori+ (@Judey_moody) March 27, 2019
i cannot believe this is my city's news station...i cannot believe this is real pic.twitter.com/MBfa7Zu5E6
— space goth coast 2 coast 🗡 (@G0NEGIRLLL) March 27, 2019
what do you even say to get this haircut pic.twitter.com/nFv6zJW71q
— warrior cop (@wyatt_privilege) March 28, 2019
Steve Bannon still looks like a guy who was up watching porn until 6:45am and his alarm was set for 7.
— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) March 28, 2019
March 28
Look, I'm not perfect but at least my obituary won't say, "and in 2019, he defunded the Special Olympics."
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) March 28, 2019
How could the guy from "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap" say to pick up the phone, he's always home? He must be out doing dirty deeds sometimes. And if his rate is dirt cheap... he must do a lot of dirty deeds to make a living
— 👩🏻🚀 (@lanyardigan) March 28, 2019
my mom picking me up at school because i threw up in the bathroom pic.twitter.com/2TXHMOYKOa
— Danielle Betsy (@sistersome) March 28, 2019
Why are all movies about assassins about "elite assassins" and not ones who are just doing ok and sorta dreading their next assassin performance review?
— Jessica Ellis (@baddestmamajama) March 28, 2019
Sometimes I think Hanson is in my bathroom but then I remember I have a three panel mirror :(
— maggie mull (@infinitesimull) March 28, 2019
March 29
"does sir have plans for the weekend?" pic.twitter.com/4HfoXuT8IC
— Paul Bronks (@SlenderSherbet) March 29, 2019
Jordan Peele during his casting calls pic.twitter.com/e52eXSdm3H
— reggie (@not1942bs) March 29, 2019
society: let's give mothers their very own day
— alien skier 👽👽👽 (@ClichedOut) March 29, 2019
me: what about sharks?
society: we'll give them a whole week
creator of He-Man: muscles
— andrew (@AndrewChamings) March 29, 2019
exec: yes
creator: sword
exec: yes!
creator: he rides a tiger
exec: fuck me jeff you're killin it
creator: bangs
exec: ok
Just got an email from a student where they referred to the 90s as " the late 1900s" 💀
— Al (@__al_b) March 29, 2019
Beavis & Butt-Head Do America Premiere
— Movie Premieres Unlimited (@NightOpening) March 29, 2019
1996
Photos by Ron Galella/WireImage. Jim Smeal pic.twitter.com/LZtppHnMul
