Stephen King entices certain people to meet Pennywise, America doesn't care if your nana dies, a bastard makes hospitals beg for supplies, using Bluetooth to chastise, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

March 21

I would have never, ever guessed that a reality tv host, who drove his business in to bankruptcy o̶n̶e̶ t̶w̶o̶ t̶h̶r̶e̶e̶ four times, can't manage a pandemic response.
— andy lassner (@andylassner) March 22, 2020

I have fantastic news! https://t.co/00qZmtf4EG
— Good Areolas (@2Taurean2U) March 21, 2020

Calling on my fellow mega-celebs to band together and sing the uplifting Paul McCartney song "Temporary Secretary." Here is the first line. pic.twitter.com/NqDPxUUzIu
— MARK LITTLE VERY GOOD (@markmarklittle) March 21, 2020

Me quarantined with my parents watching sex scenes. Take me now, COVID. #QuaratineLife pic.twitter.com/hDgNE0oqKL
— Dan Ahdoot (@standupdan) March 21, 2020

Was anyone else like closer than they ever have been to having their life together right before this all happened bc lol
— helena (@freshhel) March 21, 2020

I AM HOWLING pic.twitter.com/FTpbbdg7B7
— Bekka (@valhallabckgirl) March 21, 2020

March 22

Which is your favorite stove top burner? Mine is back left.
— Jason (@mrmess) March 23, 2020

I've now been alive in six decades:

The 1980s
The 1990s
The 2000s
The 2010s
The 2020s
March
— Sam Spencer (@choosesam) March 22, 2020

If your church is making you feel guilty for not coming due to COVID then you are in a cult.
— e (@lilvajoint) March 22, 2020

March 23

If "I know you fuckin lying" was a video https://t.co/fOGlx9ZGW7
— Formerly "KPSWORLD" / IG @KPholla12 (@Kpholla12) March 23, 2020

At this rate I'll *never* get to walk into a bar with a minister and a priest.
— Rabbi Ruti Regan 🏳️‍🌈🇺🇸 (@RutiRegan) March 23, 2020

do you know how useless my anxiety is like I catastrophized about a million scenarios yet somehow not this one
— JP (@jpbrammer) March 24, 2020

Trump in his "Let's just do it and be legends" phase of his Fyre Festival.
— John Hodgman (@hodgman) March 24, 2020

thank God none of our grandparents watch FOX News https://t.co/wJnHbV6ot1
— Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) March 24, 2020

Will this be the first genocide that came about with the suggestion "Hey, why don't you all just genocide yourselves"
— Paul F. Tompkins (@PFTompkins) March 23, 2020

i spliced together the best moments from the cuomo brothers from the past few days and this is comedy gold pic.twitter.com/uYnDWX8ghb
— alex •• (@thunderrmuffinn) March 24, 2020

Huge news for the basic pervert community pic.twitter.com/VbHs79ctHq
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) March 23, 2020

Tonight the former host of Celebrity Apprentice announced his plan to murder 2.2 million people.
— Wendy Molyneux (@WendyMolyneux) March 24, 2020

The GOP is pro-life no matter what unless the economy is struggling, in which case nana's gotta go.
— Susie Meister (@susie_meister) March 24, 2020

pic.twitter.com/4pdz4x3JBB
— pixelatedboat aka "mr tweets" (@pixelatedboat) March 24, 2020

March 24

just a reminder that if your fellow self quarantining neighbors are being too loud you might be able to connect to their Bluetooth speaker
pic.twitter.com/6zi0ozJoWc
— Matt O'Brien (@matt_obrien) March 24, 2020

Maybe the worst thing about this presidency is there was never any doubt it would be exactly like this.
— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) March 24, 2020

God only brought one guy back from the dead on Easter. Trump is here to bring back the whole economy on Easter 2020. Enjoy this clip (possibly, like, the best ever), share and be sure to subscribe to Making Podcasts Great Again (@TrumpPod) - new every week! pic.twitter.com/aUifVWRzfh
— J-L Cauvin (@JLCauvin) March 24, 2020

Trump introduces Dr. Deborah Birx as "maybe the world's great expert on what she does."
— Daniel Dale (@ddale8) March 24, 2020

The modern war effort pic.twitter.com/GeTJ6h2il1
— Rob Sheridan, but from a safe distance (@rob_sheridan) March 24, 2020

You're working from home asshole https://t.co/1Tg3MgnTxy
— h. jon benjamin (@HJBenjamin) March 25, 2020

2004: don't eat French fries or else you hate America

2008: wear a lapel pin or you don't love your country

2016: kneel before the flag

2020: die for the economy
— Rhea Butcher (@RheaButcher) March 24, 2020

Capitalism relies 100% on constant, limitless growth. It can't even survive a 2 week slow down to adapt to the needs of human lives. Imagine thinking this could last forever.
— waria ☭ (permabanned in DC) (@EternalDago) March 24, 2020

Since we're still allowed to walk outside here's a music vid @nathanfielder and I made about walking way back in 2007! Enjoy! pic.twitter.com/mDNaodLKlL
— Chris Locke Da Freak God (@chrislockeworld) March 24, 2020

March 25

The Senate is unanimous because the one Senator who would have voted against the coronavirus relief bill is quarantined with the coronavirus
— Mike Sacks (@MikeSacksEsq) March 26, 2020

Gotta feel bad for landlords. Some of them are rich yes, but many are living from your paycheck to your next paycheck
— smooth poser (@smoothposer) March 25, 2020

it's just like the flu. remember how every year around flu season the economy gets shut down and medical professionals take to social media to beg for supplies
— ☕netw3rk (@netw3rk) March 26, 2020

Bernie fucking flaming everyone on the senate floor just now pic.twitter.com/1pxJKbtaMY
— zo (@handleyzo) March 26, 2020

gee, I wonder why giving people enough to live on comes out to more than minimum wage? https://t.co/suwEVi8v0H
— Johnny McNulty (@JohnnyMcNulty) March 25, 2020

Did I see you Americans are getting a one-time $1200 check to cover COVID unemployment? Because Canada just announced $2000/month for the next four months.
— Harley R. Pageot (@yrechoheart) March 25, 2020

Fox News is very concerned that this presidential candidate's brain isn't working pic.twitter.com/VGfUgG0tE3
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) March 25, 2020

March 26

my boyfriend has been wearing sweats so much he has started calling normal pants... "hard pants"
— David Mack (@davidmackau) March 26, 2020

cardi is our president now and honestly good pic.twitter.com/m82hTecmQ0
— David Mack (@davidmackau) March 26, 2020

DO NOT APOLOGISE WHEN YOUR PETS JUMP INTO THE FRAME ON ZOOM CALLS. Was just in a conference with the CEOs of a major US org and Muffin jumped on my lap and the whole conversation stopped, IS THAT A CAT, SHOW ME THE CAT!
Everyone needs cats in these trying times.
— Christopher Ruz #TheRaggedBlade out now! (@ruzkin) March 26, 2020

My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don't be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
— Ben Conarck (@conarck) March 26, 2020

call the aclu pic.twitter.com/mjGpyBFqOu
— justin (@JstnMchl) March 27, 2020

A lot of you probably have coronavirus bc one symptom is having no taste
— Amish (@camillepawglia) March 26, 2020

For those not keeping track, so far President @rihanna has:

- covered the cost of ventilators in her home country of Barbados
- donated $5 million to fight #COVID19 in Haiti, Malawi, Barbados & the U.S.
- donated personal protective equipment for the state of New York https://t.co/KVng3dhSEq
— Terisa Siagatonu (@terisasiagatonu) March 26, 2020

The fact that scientists were right to warn for decades about a pandemic makes me wonder if they might be right about global warming too
— Jon Schwarz (@schwarz) March 26, 2020

One thing I've learned so far in quarantine is that my husband refuses to microwave anything for 45 seconds, he always does 44. When I asked him why, he said, "For Obama."
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) March 26, 2020

March 27

I was bored. pic.twitter.com/bVoC0hyNzC
— Andrew Cotter (@MrAndrewCotter) March 27, 2020

Trump says you can call this a flu, or a germ, or a virus, and actually nobody even knows what it is.

It is a coronavirus. A kind of virus. It is not a flu. We know what it is.
— Daniel Dale (@ddale8) March 27, 2020

The last truly purely fun day on this website was when that Quincy Jones interview came out.
— Maggie Serota (@maggieserota) March 28, 2020

Legit jealous of Joe Exotic's work ethic
— Nikki Glaser (@NikkiGlaser) March 28, 2020

HOLY SHIT.

Bravo to whoever is maintaining the "Cheers" preview page on Netflix right now pic.twitter.com/xnGwr5JXru
— kevinbiegel (@kbiegel) March 28, 2020

They are going to have to build a wall around Trump's eventual grave to stop people from pissing and spitting on it
— Roland Scahill (@rolandscahill) March 27, 2020

Isolation update: everyone has their windows open and someone in the building next to mine was having sex and she came super loud and then a bunch of people cheered lmao
— Siobhan Thompson, mysterious European heiress (@vornietom) March 28, 2020

You wanted a reality show host as a president, well now you're on Survivor.
— Hoodlum 🇺🇸 (@HoodlumRIP) March 27, 2020

Menstrual cycles also need to be suspended until this ordeal is over.
— Kimberly Nicole Foster (@KimberlyNFoster) March 27, 2020

i may be stuck at home but at least i have access to technology that allows me to see the worst information on earth and get insanely mad about it
— california guy now (@InternetHippo) March 27, 2020

pic.twitter.com/lvzo45CnHU
— Stephen King (@StephenKing) March 27, 2020

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: March 27, 2020

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