President Biden trips, burning CDs rips, first hearing a parrot's quips, Matt O'Brien drips, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

March 19

Jeff Bezos really worth 200B and aint Batman or Ironman yet. That mf a bum
— Ted E. Bear (@iSwearImMonte) March 20, 2021

the rules of being bad at your job are it's ok to suck at ur job unless ur inconveniencing ur coworkers. then it's bad and u suck
— calathea (@eggshellfriend) March 20, 2021

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
— Gucci Icecream 🍦 (@EvansTed101) March 19, 2021

do you have "avoid socks At All Costs" sensory issues or do you have "must wear socks At All Times" sensory issues
— lazy perfectionist (@kazADHD) March 19, 2021

kissing a vaccinated person but covertly trying to suck some of the vaccine out
— celine dionysus (@celine_dionysus) March 20, 2021

Benadryl really said "you can't sneeze if you're unconscious"
— 💎 (legally) blind himbo sailor mars 🦯 💎 (@afrodykee) March 20, 2021

It's so funny that the only evidence that he still exists are the sad photos this deranged Mar-A-Lago guest posts on her Instagram. pic.twitter.com/n53LILY06q
— Vic Berger IV (@VicBergerIV) March 19, 2021

Yooooo pic.twitter.com/I66eL8YVoe
— travonne edwards (blk tray) (@Travonne) March 19, 2021

pic.twitter.com/k1y9362SgL
— Robert Arlough (@RArlough) March 19, 2021

March 20

Joe Biden got 100 million shots for Americans in 59 days, $2 trillion to actually help people and he told Putin to fuck off.

I don't give a shit if he crawls up the stairs.
— Sam Youngman (@samyoungman) March 20, 2021

You are clinically unwell if you confront someone about not following you back on social media in person.
— soph (@sophiawpelton) March 21, 2021

i feel like they forgot a question on this survey pic.twitter.com/2F9JGtw7qi
— dr pja, attorney against law (@PJAxemurderer) March 20, 2021

when i say the organ makes it so much better 😭 pic.twitter.com/IYUxJxXHyJ
— chrys (@itsschryss) March 20, 2021

controversial, but being early to someone's house can be just as rude as being late
— Ely Kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) March 20, 2021

my cat has been ramming his head into my boobs a lot lately and i've read stories about how pets sometimes warn their owners of cancerous tumors using the same method so i went to the doctor and got checked and found out that my cat is just a pervert
— the last surviving vengaboy (@hog_mild) March 20, 2021

Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope

Doctor: stethoscope
— cap'n watsisname (@capnwatsisname) March 21, 2021

Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later pic.twitter.com/WEJIOKZplj
— caruso_online 👤 (@normalguycaruso) March 20, 2021

wait so kylie jenner's make up artist got into a car accident and needed $60k for emergency brain surgery and she asked her fans to donate???? and then only donated $5,000 when she's a literal billionaire? the wrong people have money.
— nataleebfitness (@nataleebfitness) March 20, 2021

March 21

"frenemy" is over. new term is "bestie i detestie"
— emotional norman (@emonormie) March 21, 2021

Being vaccinated pic.twitter.com/jvaZS68jgh
— Iris👾 (Eve Passenger)☻ (@Jest_Iris) March 21, 2021

2020: wear a mask and stand 6 feet apart

2021: wear 2 masks and stand 3 feet apart

2022: wear 5 masks and stand on one foot

2023: to the left

2024: take it back now y'all

2025: cha cha real smooth
— Kat D (@KatPapaJohns) March 21, 2021

nbc is wild for this Meet The Press panel to discuss anti-Asian violence. pic.twitter.com/WvhfLUkt7r
— 🧋 wang 🏳️‍🌈 (@tigerwang) March 22, 2021

uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station...
— s҉ (@brown4ngel) March 21, 2021

You really struggled with this? Literally match the colors bro https://t.co/824eracy3K
— J̷u̷s̷t̷i̷n̷ ™ (@JustinMLB) March 21, 2021

Wtf is "burning CDs"
— ⋆ (@yngthgw) March 21, 2021

who do I contact if I found a plot hole in an episode of Criminal Minds that aired in April of 2006?? is there a hotline
— pat regan (@poregan) March 22, 2021

Our dog died 4 years ago but her memory lives on in the hulu password
— No Pants Papple 🚫👖🍍 (@pantless_papple) March 22, 2021

What conditioner is this pic.twitter.com/PSnuTRBo7h
— typo negative (@emotionalpedant) March 21, 2021

March 22

the crime the criminal pic.twitter.com/z991TPePVV
— imane (@urfriendimane) March 22, 2021

???? pic.twitter.com/ojqaqkrIiu
— camille (@juul_survivor) March 22, 2021

You see one later
And you see the other in a while https://t.co/uyzY4hvWos
— JS Osiris (@King_Scxtt) March 22, 2021

at this point i'm actually unsure whether people truly think male pattern baldness is the manifestation of evil rather than benign biological difference https://t.co/vrhDvfxhto
— ben (@benvyle) March 22, 2021

I want this framed pic.twitter.com/i2abP3PZ3u
— nikki mccann ramírez (@NikkiMcR) March 22, 2021

I tried to make a motivational internet video and it went a little off the rails pic.twitter.com/q3vof7YSLl
— Matt O'Brien (@matt_obrien) March 22, 2021

New Cinnamon Toast Crunch Oreo just dropped pic.twitter.com/0anluYL4JM
— King Julien's Waifu (@Gardenboy15) March 23, 2021

Twitter, like The X-Files, operates on a monster of the week format
— sweetheart of the rodeo (@clownesvanzandt) March 23, 2021

I can't believe America gave us a crumb of outside and wh*te people started doing mass shootings immediately
— bruno mars stan acc (@lowkeysim) March 23, 2021

so was he an incel or a sex addict need to know which way we're blaming pussy today
— Kiki Andersen (@kellyamedia) March 23, 2021

March 23

If you need an ar 15 to protect you from other people with ar 15's, I've got an idea
— Rhea "RB" Butcher (@RheaButcher) March 24, 2021

"Every time there's a shooting" is definitely a phrase to start your defense of guns https://t.co/qS9jDtIpjJ
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) March 23, 2021

mf'er has the word "rights" tattooed on his left arm pic.twitter.com/GWJgk8EPHN
— Bob Zombie (@amcnal) March 23, 2021

Go up to someone who has a ton of tattoos and say "I love all your cartoons"
— Chris Locke (@chrislockeworld) March 23, 2021

they warned you about the radical left pic.twitter.com/vGLJEJ3Wh7
— smokerino (@racistoniichan) March 23, 2021

male friendship is beautiful. once a year one of u texts the other something like "we should write a movie" and the other responds "that would be sick" and thats it
— thomas 🍌 (@perfectsweeties) March 23, 2021

If you're over 35 hire movers. You're friends are too old. Nobody wants to slip a disc for pizza and 2 bud lights
— Graham Kay (@mrgrahamkay) March 23, 2021

When your cat is secretly a 5th dimensional elder god. pic.twitter.com/aQh1XaBP10
— Diogenes of Sinope 🏺🐕🔬 (@hoplitnet) March 23, 2021

This girl was crying on tiktok because she needed to cite the bible for her university essay but she didn't know who to put down as the author LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
— Tianna, the Producer 🌼 (@dontsmileattee) March 23, 2021

Kids don't know the pain of destroying your family computer for a low quality version of Nellyville pic.twitter.com/f9Ygpcjib5
— Zach Schwartz (@zachzachzach) March 23, 2021

new donkey just dropped pic.twitter.com/V45Qqu2Lpx
— Jay Arner (@jayarner) March 23, 2021

March 24

pic.twitter.com/hBg0FxRm84
— Conservatives Getting Owned (@cons_owned) March 24, 2021

twitter's favorite genre of girl is: leftist political theory expert but also??? :) very sexxy baby :)
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) March 25, 2021

"cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad" is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
— Janel Comeau (@VeryBadLlama) March 24, 2021

MONDAY: haha, shrimp!

TODAY: (a far more serious tone) shrimp
— Chris Stephens (@ChrisStephensMD) March 24, 2021

and also with you
🕯 🕯
🕯 🕯
may none
🕯️ of your abusers 🕯
go viral
for being funny
🕯 🕯
🕯 🕯
— Kelly Bachman (@bellykachman) March 24, 2021

Haha wow, that was fast pic.twitter.com/qy2TtkLNfv
— Jon Millstein (@jmillstein) March 24, 2021

I have no more passwords left in me
— P Money (@Maechez1) March 24, 2021

March 25

"Your password must include a special character"

*sigh* alright let me go put on a wig real quick
— Vinny Thomas ! (@vinn_ayy) March 25, 2021

TED CRUZ SAYS OWNING A GUN SHOULD BE AS HASSLE FREE AS OWNING A CAR...WHICH AS I RECALL, REQUIRES A LICENSE AND REGISTRATION.
— Jeras Ikehorn (@JerasIkehorn) March 25, 2021

RIP to jessica walter, who was so perfect as lucille bluth that another show just straight up hired her to do it again and it was still funny
— goth_elf89 (@thirdsecond) March 25, 2021

​This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: March 26, 2021

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This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: March 26, 2021