This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: March 20, 2020
Update: Not all sports are cancelled pic.twitter.com/VHmxFinflV— Marty O (@martoo14) March 14, 2020
so we are closing my school for 2 weeks and it's been really stessful, but the highlight was teaching my 3rd graders how to email so they can email me questions & I got these throughout the day pic.twitter.com/hMEqGA9aVu— Big Meaty Claws!! (@derryqueenhaha) March 14, 2020
Academic friends:— Derek T. Muller (@derektmuller) March 14, 2020
Isaac Newton discovered calculus while in quarantine.
William Shakespeare wrote "King Lear" while in quarantine.
You will learn how to unmute your computer's microphone during a Zoom meeting while in quarantine.
take it from someone who's had 21 days of strike action this year: when you're in quarantine you're not going to get all those jobs done around the house that you've been putting off. you're going to invent a new breakfast cereal by combining 3 existing types of breakfast cereal.— Dr Charlotte Lydia Riley (@lottelydia) March 14, 2020
If you're worried about what to do while you're quarantined, remember that while he was in isolation, Mathematician Theodore Kaczynski completed more than 16 successful technical projects and wrote a 35 thousand word essay that was published in the New York Times.— PearlRiverFlow (@PearlRiverFlow) March 14, 2020
There is a woman in my neighborhood standing on her balcony and yelling down at anyone getting in their cars "KEEP YOUR ASS IN THE HOUSE"— Olivia Cole is social distancing & u should be too (@RantingOwl) March 15, 2020
Not all heroes wear capes
On the sofa and hear boyfriend start laughing to himself in the kitchen.— Stephanie Boland (@stephanieboland) March 15, 2020
Turns out he'd just learned that 88 couples have come out of quarantine in China and immediately filed for divorce
It's only quarantine if it's from the Quartine region of France. Otherwise it's just Sparkling Isolation— Niko Stratis (@nikostratis) March 15, 2020
My therapist: your OCD is irrational— Rachel McCartney (@RachelMComedy) March 15, 2020
The government: you must wash your hands 19 times a day or your dad will die
quarantine is going well pic.twitter.com/2HVA12ThYO— addie weyrich (@addieyomind) March 15, 2020
Protect Ya Neck against the Coronavirus. We are making a few thousand prints and distributing them across New York City. Feel FREE to do the same in your City.— Wu Tang Clan (@WuTangClan) March 15, 2020
Share and RT this to the world. #wutang pic.twitter.com/coS5M3WdiW
Alberta Ghostbusters pic.twitter.com/UGpcgwoMkd— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) March 16, 2020
in an unsettling reversal of my teenage years, I am now yelling at my parents for going out— Brigid Delaney (@BrigidWD) March 16, 2020
I ate an edible yesterday and got so high I ordered 26 kinds of pancakes from postmates, but I wrote in the delivery notes "I am super high please dont let me order all these pancakes" and someone from postmates actually called to see if I was ok— PAZ (@pazpaz) March 15, 2020
Treating the quarantine like a prison sentence. Bulking up. Reading books. Converting to Islam. Refusing to shower— ethnic steve (@EthnicSteve) March 15, 2020
Karl Marx emails from my— arpita (@wtfarpii) March 15, 2020
expressing the dire need &
urgency to rethink class
You know who's really gonna suffer during this social distancing?— Kaitlyn McQuin (@kaitlynmcquin) March 15, 2020
Dudes on dating apps
Welcome back to courtship, Brad. Welcome back to talking to a gal for WEEKS prior to meeting.
We're pen pals now, my dude.
We bout to get Jane Austen up in here.
Now, write me a poem.
McDonalds— Robert Reich (@RBReich) March 16, 2020
None give their workers paid sick leave.
They should be required to post this sign on their doors:
"Because we don't give our workers paid sick leave, they may be sick when they serve you."
"The Bubonic Plague's impact resulted in wide-ranging social, economic, cultural, and religious changes. These changes, directly and indirectly, led to the emergence of the Renaissance, one of the greatest epochs for art, architecture, and literature in human history." https://t.co/lL0aq5rATC— Julia "This Joke Got Wildly Out of Hand" McCarthy (@thejumbles) March 17, 2020
if you guys keep calling it the chinese virus then we get to call it the white mass shooting— Quentin Quarantino (@bryanyang) March 16, 2020
There are 16 people in this photograph https://t.co/tKDld4NOEE— Eric Haywood (@EricHaywood) March 16, 2020
Pretty weird seeing people scoff at the idea of paying artists relief funds during this shutdown while also answering every "what are you doing during quarantine" post with "binge-ing tv shows, movies, books, comics and podcasts."— Zach, still celebrating Halloween 🎃 (@ZacharyJLuna) March 16, 2020
Last night Corona led me down a YouTube rabbit hole and I ended up watching a video of an Australian cheese maker making parmesan. He starts his videos by saying "g'day curd nerds" and all the comments are Italians telling him to go fuck himself— 👑 Mr. One Million 👑 (@josephcorcoran) March 16, 2020
Been homeschooling a 6-year old and 8-year old for one hour and 11 minutes. Teachers deserve to make a billion dollars a year. Or a week.— shonda rhimes (@shondarhimes) March 16, 2020
I keep getting people asking me if the coronavirus can be spread through sexual contact even if there is no exchange of air or touching of faces. If you can get this accomplished from 6 feet away, congratulations to both of you— Susanna L Harris (@SusannaLHarris) March 16, 2020
MIKE D: Well I'm Mike D but you can call me— Zach Schonfeld (@zzzzaaaacccchhh) March 17, 2020
EVERY BEASTIE BOY: Mona!
MIKE D: Stayin at home to avoid
EVERY BEASTIE BOY: Corona!
AD-ROCK: When I quarantine, I still dress my
EVERY BEASTIE BOY: best!
MCA: I be washing my hands like Lady
EVERY BEASTIE BOY: Macbeth!
LMFAOO They jogging out that bitch like it's a run for cancer https://t.co/i38mJvv9Nf— #JustinJeffersonToTheRavens (@ScummyP__) March 17, 2020
italy: people singing— Klaudia Amenábar // please DM for my alt account (@kaludiasays) March 16, 2020
new york: people screaming GO THE FUCK HOME out their windows
i love this city https://t.co/LXkhza59As
Imagine blaming china when americans are out here doing stupid shit like this https://t.co/QfaXK81WIj— dumb bitch rights account (@PEACHYBLACKG0RL) March 17, 2020
The Vatican canceled Easter. You know how much stuff has to suck for the Pope to be like "you know what, this year Jesus stays dead".— Jesse Case (@jessecase) March 17, 2020
I HATE BEING QUARANTINED— NOT A WOLF (@SICKOFWOLVES) March 17, 2020
STUCK IN ONE STUPID BUILDING ALL THE TIME
I WOULD RATHER GO BETWEEN THE SAME TWO OR THREE BUILDINGS REPEATEDLY DOING THE SAME ACTIVITIES IN AN ALMOST IDENTICAL ORDER
NOW THATS LIVING
what THE FUCK pic.twitter.com/ofPTTfcVkN— vm ❊ (@tentwentysixpm) March 18, 2020
most people don't know about the very cool horse statue at the Denver Airport pic.twitter.com/O68eo2CdA5— Gucci Lunchable ☻ (@killola) March 17, 2020
So I was watching those Beyond Belief Fact or Fiction videos and someone in the comments mentioned how if you put it at .5 speed he sounds like a depressed drunk on the sidewalk trying to get your attention, & so I did, and I've been wheezing badly at this for the last 7 minutes pic.twitter.com/9ASpr8MntJ— Jord/Jax (@JaxBladeFitness) March 17, 2020
What a damning indictment of Fox News from the Post video team here. pic.twitter.com/r8Fz8vo5KV— andrew kaczynski🤔 (@KFILE) March 18, 2020
bae: come over— little women: tokyo drift (@hcbirks) March 17, 2020
me: can't, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren't home
"i can't go because of coronavirus"— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) March 17, 2020
"i've sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands"
- heroic, valiant
- they will assume you have a sword
- impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
In case you need to smile...my daughter dancing with our pup Otis pic.twitter.com/rhNwP1H6gW— carrie levan (@LevanCarrie) March 17, 2020
Drake somewhere in the booth singing "I can't tell if you're social distancing or distancing yourself from me socially"— Suavemente (@EasyStreetKeys) March 18, 2020
*opens freezer*— social distance warrior (@IAmSpilly) March 17, 2020
*note falls out*
"We here at Totino's Pizza Rolls know you've been wondering about our response to COVID-19"
As Trump pivots to coronavirus crisis mode, let's not forget the months of downplaying and denial. pic.twitter.com/gH1xZAHXm5— The Recount (@therecount) March 17, 2020
We. Are. The. Problem. https://t.co/KmcvaKngPu— Shameka (@Shameka_xox0) March 17, 2020
That the coronavirus has reduced air pollution, water pollution and so on DOES NOT demonstrate that "wE'Re tHE ViRus", people are the problem or any other number of absurd eco-fascist conjecture.— GlumBird (@GlumBird) March 18, 2020
Capitalism is shutting down. It demonstrates that capitalism is the problem.
Airlines in 2019: Your baggage is 1kg over? That'll be $150. And no you can't sit next to your wife, idiot.— Bea_ker (@bea_ker) March 18, 2020
Airlines in 2020: hewwow 😇 wemeber us? we've got a favour to ask 🥺🥺🥺
Maybe put them back. https://t.co/zVCqwCQzXE— Joel Kim Booster (@ihatejoelkim) March 18, 2020
Millennials are not partying. We and our anxiety issues are holed up working from home, watching Hulu, and yelling at our parents not to go outside.— Mairead McArdle (@JohnsonHildy) March 19, 2020
It's Gen Z you want
Hi.— Brunette Bohemian (@RaeOfLite) March 18, 2020
Yes, it originated in China, but the technical term is Covid-19
Your mom originated from the back of a Buick Skylark, but we call her Judith
Don't be mean.
the government is making us quarantine so they can change the batteries in the pigeons— 🐅 (@camgrilll) March 19, 2020
My Quarantine Routine— Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) March 20, 2020
I just wanted to share what works for me. This is just to give me structure and a sense of stability
9 am - 2 am: wake up & stare at my phone
how crazy we talkin https://t.co/lAEvGIbOj6— fbg mike (@trapyeezus) March 19, 2020
It's Been— Social Distancing Medusa 💗💜💙 (@daniAWESOME) March 19, 2020
One week since we quarantined
Said we'd all stay inside
And eat our groceries
me and me dad are sharing the dining room table working from home today. He's an aerospace engineer on a conference call ordering fuselage prototypes and I'm drawing a duck— lydia 🍃 (@lydiakahill) March 19, 2020
celebrities making singing videos as corona virus now tops over 230k cases worldwide pic.twitter.com/HPVjPn2fso— Cesar (@itscesaryo) March 19, 2020
[pets during the quarantine]— Laurazepam (@andlikelaura) March 19, 2020
dog: oh boy oh boy i get to be with human all day & night i love human lovelovelovelove
cat: are you fuckin kidding me right now
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.— Adam Bedford (@adambedders) March 19, 2020
Over the fence to our neighbour:
'JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE'
'Okay I will in a minute'
'YOU'RE OLD AND THERE'S A VIRUS'
'I'm not that old thank you'
'HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?'
'THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.'
So my dog has been so happy that everyone is home for quarantine, that his tail has stopped working, so we went to the vet and the vet said 'he had sprained his tail from excessively wagging it' 😂😂😭😭💔💔— Emma smith (@Emmasmith77xx) March 20, 2020
As 2.5M lose their jobs in the middle of a pandemic, remind me again why we binding health insurance to employment is a good idea.— Shamus Khan (@shamuskhan) March 20, 2020
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering pic.twitter.com/wAyLkYiKxh— Makiya (@selenamua_) March 20, 2020
Laura wants to speak to the virus' manager https://t.co/NYnj3X6N8n— Matt Gabriele (@prof_gabriele) March 20, 2020
— Mark Hamill (@HamillHimself) March 20, 2020
car alarm kept going off so i improvised pic.twitter.com/c8zMC2VueW— Andrea Long Chu (@theorygurl) March 20, 2020
— Mike Judge (@MikeJudge) March 20, 2020