US PSPSPSPS, telling your boss to go piss, nice try Pride and Prejudice, so much Queen bee fuss, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

March 12

WHAT pic.twitter.com/xHWoZDYijT
— Nori Reed (@nori_reed) March 13, 2021

Every day I get down in my knees and thank God that Glee ended before WAP came out
— Angelina Meehan (@whyangelinawhy) March 13, 2021

happy birthday king pic.twitter.com/xd3uN4IPrY
— einstürzende neuböltōn 🇮🇹👑 (@AmbJohnBoIton) March 12, 2021

Cow it started Cow it's going pic.twitter.com/8UyGxiw9b8
— Hi, it's Abby. Yep (@abbycohenwl) March 12, 2021

forgotten mitt romney banger pic.twitter.com/72yLMeGKUr
— SLUG (@generalslug) March 12, 2021

My aunt got a divorce and I asked how she felt and she said "I thought I had an anxiety disorder but it turns out it was just your uncle"
— Amy Silverberg (@AmySilverberg) March 13, 2021

Bank Account: $1400.05

McDonald cashier: you asked how much for the french fries?

Me: I said how much for the franchise
— /ˈferō/ (@faraomaileoi) March 13, 2021

direct deposit: $1400

me at Victorias secret: tell me
— dvd 📀 (@disxpix) March 13, 2021

March 13

i am going to fucking jail pic.twitter.com/LWhXhUTSrS
— first-mate prance (@bocxtop) March 13, 2021

bank account: +$1400

me at five guys: bring me the 6th guy
— Hurt CoPain (@SaeedDiCaprio) March 13, 2021

When you don't have time for this crap. pic.twitter.com/JzfWuh8dEz
— 𝖠𝖺𝗋𝗈𝗇 𝖶𝗂𝖾𝗇𝖾𝗋 (@Wieneraaron) March 13, 2021

The actual people from *THAT* meme, 10 years on ...
. pic.twitter.com/SjW7PAwMbk
— John O'Connell (@jdpoc) March 13, 2021

this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time pic.twitter.com/mgssCzWbci
— chloe ellen (@chloellene) March 13, 2021

THE SHINING remains a hugely empathetic portrait of a guy trying to get some work done with a child around
— Adam Nayman (@brofromanother) March 13, 2021

sorry but i don't have "celebs saved on my phone" because i'm not a fucking loser https://t.co/lblkqFm5H8
— Andrew Michaan (@AndrewMichaan) March 13, 2021

You should be allowed to play defense at bowling
— garf,,,the quaranteen (@garfpooop) March 14, 2021

shaq do commercials like he in debt
— greta gerNIG (@NILES100) March 14, 2021

personally i think we should lose an hour every day until there are no more days
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) March 14, 2021

someone just honked to get me out of my parking spot faster, so now I have to sit here until both of us are dead.
— mariana Z (@mariana057) March 13, 2021

I no longer get up to investigate strange noises. It's whatever.
— Akilah Green (@akilahgreen) March 14, 2021

incredible how police always arrive at protests at the exact moment they become violent. must just be terrific foresight.
— Ed (@ted_pen) March 13, 2021

Direct deposit: $1400

At the hospital: One bandaid please
— jenny⚡️cavallero (@jennycavallero) March 13, 2021

March 14

**Husband & wife sit down at the kitchen table**

H: "So we just got $2,800."

W: "And we got a vaccine faster than expected."

H: "Right, and our kids' school just got money to reopen faster."

W: "But I can't shake the feeling that Biden isn't holding enough press conferences."
— Zac Petkanas (@Zac_Petkanas) March 14, 2021

I still can't believe we locked down in March 2020 when there were 556 confirmed cases in one day and yesterday there were almost 50,000 confirmed cases in one day and we're like "eh, the pandemic is basically over."
— Pro-Vaccine Queen🌙🦇 (@typicalfeminist) March 14, 2021

You ever go outside and it just really hit you how everything is covered in fucking cars
— Jordan pass AB387 Burns (@WalkableCityBoy) March 14, 2021

this pandemic has melted my brain every human interaction feels like talking to my crush in 8th grade
— bobby wasabi (@bIondiewasabi) March 15, 2021

i recently read that tina fey's husband is the only man she's ever had sex with, which makes all her jokes about how bad sex is and how much she hates it even more depressing.
— roxy demento (@falseroxy) March 15, 2021

you're telling me a cis teen built this chapel?
— riley from hivemind (@RileyJohnSavage) March 14, 2021

March 15

Bitch, shut the fuck up. https://t.co/AL06vVKP1X
— Nia Renée Hill (@niasalterego) March 15, 2021

THE GODFATHER was the first movie franchise to have its first and second films both nominated for Best Screenplay. the second movie franchise? BORAT.
— Russell (@RussellHFilm) March 15, 2021

whenever I feel highly anxious, I lay in bed for 5-6 hours and it does not help! Hope this helps 💕
— Maggie? Winters? (@saggiesplinters) March 15, 2021

texting a boy vs texting a man pic.twitter.com/ri3xhlr6Eo
— joe (@getwreckedleo) March 15, 2021

zoos are so fucked up. what's a giraffe doing in chicago
— tall girl on netflix (@clairejiacries) March 15, 2021

2000's tech industry: what if anyone could share any file for free

2020's tech industry: what if a JPEG cost ten thousand dollars
— Jules Glegg 🏳️‍⚧️ (@heyjulesfern) March 16, 2021

tim curry will always understand the assignment pic.twitter.com/Jvfc7jRFsS
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) March 16, 2021

March 16

my body: something hurts
me: oh no! what's wrong?
my body: it's a secret ;)
— Haley Mlotek (@haleymlotek) March 16, 2021

who tf looked at the middle finger and said "ayo this shit kinda offensive"
— ᴅᴇʟɪʟᴀʜ✨ (@blvck_pearls) March 16, 2021

stocking my shower with 3-in-1 shampoo so men know i'm an ally when they visit
— Bailey Moon (@Baileymoon15) March 16, 2021

I asked my Year 1 classes to tell me a joke;
Here is my analysis.
A THREAD
— George Pointon (@GeorgePointon_) March 16, 2021

how it started how it's going pic.twitter.com/hKoa4qghOU
— sher🥺 (@sherrysworld) March 16, 2021

my two year old just said "mommy why is life the same every day?" like damn existential queen! u tell me
— Ely Kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) March 16, 2021

Saw this like a week ago and haven't stopped thinking about it since pic.twitter.com/wjY1atexWs
— honest jabe (@jaynooch) March 16, 2021

March 17

My straight male boss on Zoom just said "I have to piss" and before I could even control myself or knew what was happening I said "go piss girl" LMAOOOOOOOOO
— Eli Wilson Pelton (@eliwilsonpelton) March 17, 2021

Got my stimmy on St. Patrick's Day. Call that luck of the IRS.
— Hormone Monstress. (@bexx402) March 17, 2021

Look, I'm flexible, either we get rid of guns or we get rid of men but it's pretty obvious that we can't have both.
— Geraldine (@everywhereist) March 18, 2021

On your "bad days" you're supposed to get $30 of Taco Bell and tweet through the pain like a fucking grown up.
— Mothman Festival Queen (@amyis_trying) March 17, 2021

Just opened a news article and read the most American sentence pic.twitter.com/KQ6aNxmQIV
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) March 17, 2021

Doctors will be like "fuck I'm stumped anyway here's a bill for $5,000"
— CHAUNCEY SUGARSWEETS (@CSugarsweets) March 17, 2021

pic.twitter.com/EFqftWJ2wk
— K A C E Y (@KaceyMusgraves) March 17, 2021

shit! SHIT!! pic.twitter.com/d6MuYR4ILQ
— hunca munca (@spindlypete) March 18, 2021

This website is free pic.twitter.com/ZP2h2g6GAR
— ˗ˏˋuıʍʇʎdəəɹɔˎˊ˗👑King of the Reply Guys🗨️🐱💗💍 (@creeptwin) March 17, 2021

March 18

Love watching Nathan get blindsided. Can't believe it's been almost 9 years since I cut this scene. https://t.co/F6Ikie2WjL
— Eric Notarnicola (@ericnotarnicola) March 18, 2021

My wife is fully-vaccinated and planning to visit her (fully-vaccinated) parents, and I am currently unvaccinated and googling whether there is such a thing as pickle flavored seltzer and whether I could get it delivered to my apartment.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) March 18, 2021

Both kids are singing "Penis is a weiner" to the tune of Rhythm Is A Dancer
— Hi it's Matt Collins (@mitchberghini) March 18, 2021

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: March 19, 2021

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