This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: March 19, 2021
March 12
WHAT pic.twitter.com/xHWoZDYijT
— Nori Reed (@nori_reed) March 13, 2021
Every day I get down in my knees and thank God that Glee ended before WAP came out
— Angelina Meehan (@whyangelinawhy) March 13, 2021
happy birthday king pic.twitter.com/xd3uN4IPrY
— einstürzende neuböltōn 🇮🇹👑 (@AmbJohnBoIton) March 12, 2021
Cow it started Cow it's going pic.twitter.com/8UyGxiw9b8
— Hi, it's Abby. Yep (@abbycohenwl) March 12, 2021
forgotten mitt romney banger pic.twitter.com/72yLMeGKUr
— SLUG (@generalslug) March 12, 2021
My aunt got a divorce and I asked how she felt and she said "I thought I had an anxiety disorder but it turns out it was just your uncle"
— Amy Silverberg (@AmySilverberg) March 13, 2021
Bank Account: $1400.05
— /ˈferō/ (@faraomaileoi) March 13, 2021
McDonald cashier: you asked how much for the french fries?
Me: I said how much for the franchise
direct deposit: $1400
— dvd 📀 (@disxpix) March 13, 2021
me at Victorias secret: tell me
March 13
i am going to fucking jail pic.twitter.com/LWhXhUTSrS
— first-mate prance (@bocxtop) March 13, 2021
bank account: +$1400
— Hurt CoPain (@SaeedDiCaprio) March 13, 2021
me at five guys: bring me the 6th guy
When you don't have time for this crap. pic.twitter.com/JzfWuh8dEz
— 𝖠𝖺𝗋𝗈𝗇 𝖶𝗂𝖾𝗇𝖾𝗋 (@Wieneraaron) March 13, 2021
The actual people from *THAT* meme, 10 years on ...
— John O'Connell (@jdpoc) March 13, 2021
. pic.twitter.com/SjW7PAwMbk
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time pic.twitter.com/mgssCzWbci
— chloe ellen (@chloellene) March 13, 2021
THE SHINING remains a hugely empathetic portrait of a guy trying to get some work done with a child around
— Adam Nayman (@brofromanother) March 13, 2021
sorry but i don't have "celebs saved on my phone" because i'm not a fucking loser https://t.co/lblkqFm5H8
— Andrew Michaan (@AndrewMichaan) March 13, 2021
You should be allowed to play defense at bowling
— garf,,,the quaranteen (@garfpooop) March 14, 2021
shaq do commercials like he in debt
— greta gerNIG (@NILES100) March 14, 2021
personally i think we should lose an hour every day until there are no more days
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) March 14, 2021
someone just honked to get me out of my parking spot faster, so now I have to sit here until both of us are dead.
— mariana Z (@mariana057) March 13, 2021
I no longer get up to investigate strange noises. It's whatever.
— Akilah Green (@akilahgreen) March 14, 2021
incredible how police always arrive at protests at the exact moment they become violent. must just be terrific foresight.
— Ed (@ted_pen) March 13, 2021
Direct deposit: $1400
— jenny⚡️cavallero (@jennycavallero) March 13, 2021
At the hospital: One bandaid please
March 14
**Husband & wife sit down at the kitchen table**
— Zac Petkanas (@Zac_Petkanas) March 14, 2021
H: "So we just got $2,800."
W: "And we got a vaccine faster than expected."
H: "Right, and our kids' school just got money to reopen faster."
W: "But I can't shake the feeling that Biden isn't holding enough press conferences."
I still can't believe we locked down in March 2020 when there were 556 confirmed cases in one day and yesterday there were almost 50,000 confirmed cases in one day and we're like "eh, the pandemic is basically over."
— Pro-Vaccine Queen🌙🦇 (@typicalfeminist) March 14, 2021
You ever go outside and it just really hit you how everything is covered in fucking cars
— Jordan pass AB387 Burns (@WalkableCityBoy) March 14, 2021
this pandemic has melted my brain every human interaction feels like talking to my crush in 8th grade
— bobby wasabi (@bIondiewasabi) March 15, 2021
i recently read that tina fey's husband is the only man she's ever had sex with, which makes all her jokes about how bad sex is and how much she hates it even more depressing.
— roxy demento (@falseroxy) March 15, 2021
you're telling me a cis teen built this chapel?
— riley from hivemind (@RileyJohnSavage) March 14, 2021
March 15
Bitch, shut the fuck up. https://t.co/AL06vVKP1X
— Nia Renée Hill (@niasalterego) March 15, 2021
THE GODFATHER was the first movie franchise to have its first and second films both nominated for Best Screenplay. the second movie franchise? BORAT.
— Russell (@RussellHFilm) March 15, 2021
whenever I feel highly anxious, I lay in bed for 5-6 hours and it does not help! Hope this helps 💕
— Maggie? Winters? (@saggiesplinters) March 15, 2021
texting a boy vs texting a man pic.twitter.com/ri3xhlr6Eo
— joe (@getwreckedleo) March 15, 2021
zoos are so fucked up. what's a giraffe doing in chicago
— tall girl on netflix (@clairejiacries) March 15, 2021
2000's tech industry: what if anyone could share any file for free
— Jules Glegg 🏳️⚧️ (@heyjulesfern) March 16, 2021
2020's tech industry: what if a JPEG cost ten thousand dollars
tim curry will always understand the assignment pic.twitter.com/Jvfc7jRFsS
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) March 16, 2021
March 16
my body: something hurts
— Haley Mlotek (@haleymlotek) March 16, 2021
me: oh no! what's wrong?
my body: it's a secret ;)
who tf looked at the middle finger and said "ayo this shit kinda offensive"
— ᴅᴇʟɪʟᴀʜ✨ (@blvck_pearls) March 16, 2021
stocking my shower with 3-in-1 shampoo so men know i'm an ally when they visit
— Bailey Moon (@Baileymoon15) March 16, 2021
I asked my Year 1 classes to tell me a joke;
— George Pointon (@GeorgePointon_) March 16, 2021
Here is my analysis.
A THREAD
how it started how it's going pic.twitter.com/hKoa4qghOU
— sher🥺 (@sherrysworld) March 16, 2021
my two year old just said "mommy why is life the same every day?" like damn existential queen! u tell me
— Ely Kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) March 16, 2021
Saw this like a week ago and haven't stopped thinking about it since pic.twitter.com/wjY1atexWs
— honest jabe (@jaynooch) March 16, 2021
March 17
My straight male boss on Zoom just said "I have to piss" and before I could even control myself or knew what was happening I said "go piss girl" LMAOOOOOOOOO
— Eli Wilson Pelton (@eliwilsonpelton) March 17, 2021
Got my stimmy on St. Patrick's Day. Call that luck of the IRS.
— Hormone Monstress. (@bexx402) March 17, 2021
Look, I'm flexible, either we get rid of guns or we get rid of men but it's pretty obvious that we can't have both.
— Geraldine (@everywhereist) March 18, 2021
On your "bad days" you're supposed to get $30 of Taco Bell and tweet through the pain like a fucking grown up.
— Mothman Festival Queen (@amyis_trying) March 17, 2021
Just opened a news article and read the most American sentence pic.twitter.com/KQ6aNxmQIV
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) March 17, 2021
Doctors will be like "fuck I'm stumped anyway here's a bill for $5,000"
— CHAUNCEY SUGARSWEETS (@CSugarsweets) March 17, 2021
— K A C E Y (@KaceyMusgraves) March 17, 2021
shit! SHIT!! pic.twitter.com/d6MuYR4ILQ
— hunca munca (@spindlypete) March 18, 2021
This website is free pic.twitter.com/ZP2h2g6GAR
— ˗ˏˋuıʍʇʎdəəɹɔˎˊ˗👑King of the Reply Guys🗨️🐱💗💍 (@creeptwin) March 17, 2021
March 18
Love watching Nathan get blindsided. Can't believe it's been almost 9 years since I cut this scene. https://t.co/F6Ikie2WjL
— Eric Notarnicola (@ericnotarnicola) March 18, 2021
My wife is fully-vaccinated and planning to visit her (fully-vaccinated) parents, and I am currently unvaccinated and googling whether there is such a thing as pickle flavored seltzer and whether I could get it delivered to my apartment.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) March 18, 2021
Both kids are singing "Penis is a weiner" to the tune of Rhythm Is A Dancer
— Hi it's Matt Collins (@mitchberghini) March 18, 2021