March 10
My password is not weak, its beautiful inner strength and resolve is just not immediately apparent.
— Jennifer Wright (@JenAshleyWright) March 11, 2018
A dog in my building's elevator sneezed and every human said bless you.
— Polly Mosendz (@polly) March 10, 2018
I honestly believe Trump eats McDonald's because his name is in it.
— Jules Suzdaltsev (@jules_su) March 10, 2018
lmaooooooooo pic.twitter.com/IsvQN873kJ
— Ashley Feinberg (@ashleyfeinberg) March 10, 2018
March 11
I like @SarahKSilverman pic.twitter.com/wPzAKhq2n2
— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) March 11, 2018
MAGA people are rushing to defend Betsy DeVos, who was ambushed by unfair gotcha questions like "Have you ever been in a cafeteria" and "What do you think schools do"
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) March 12, 2018
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) March 12, 2018
My man, I don't think you're going to find a real life human who looks like this. pic.twitter.com/ecWq6aXKMU
— Parker Molloy (@ParkerMolloy) March 11, 2018
March 12
I love this dude because he's just like "IT'S A LIVING!" pic.twitter.com/e4NvJEzxps
— Bee (@BeckyEbben) March 13, 2018
I'd pay $10,000 to have Betsy DeVos try to cover a textbook with an old paper grocery bag on live TV.
— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) March 12, 2018
First world problem in Iceland. pic.twitter.com/LYLON77nuU
— Ásta Helgadóttir (@asta_fish) March 12, 2018
Listen up Millennials: you too can have a fast-food franchise if you pull up those bootstraps, risk everything, & get a quarter mil handout from your mom. pic.twitter.com/683vREgazy
— Matty K (@greyfoxv1) March 12, 2018
March 13
This is the only criticism of millenials I will accept pic.twitter.com/M5hgfzTDid
— Lilith (@hahaahahahahaha) March 13, 2018
Shit. It's just now sinkin' in that, based on the rate of firings, I'll eventually have to serve in the Trump Administration.
— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) March 14, 2018
For my next book, I will be interviewing the 20 or so people across the country who are not involved with comedy. Can't wait to get started!
— mike sacks (@michaelbsacks) March 14, 2018
March 14
It's only been a few hours and Stephen Hawking already mathematically proved, to My face, that I don't exist.
— God (@TheTweetOfGod) March 14, 2018
SPORTS TWEET:
— Rhea Butcher 🇵🇷 (@RheaButcher) March 15, 2018
If y'all don't want LGBTQ nights in sports then you don't get to play "We Will Rock You" anymore
So final summary: 1) The president is bragging that he made stuff up with a foreign leader; 2) He is claiming his made-up thing was then magically proven correct; 3) His explanation for why he was actually correct is fictional; 4) He's still currently incorrect.
— Daniel Dale (@ddale8) March 15, 2018
A+
How could anyone divorce this man? pic.twitter.com/Shi4wW5YlS
— Daniel Kibblesmith ☃️ (@kibblesmith) March 15, 2018
March 15
Everything wrong with Fox News in one video pic.twitter.com/MhnApiQ3pG
— NowThis (@nowthisnews) March 16, 2018
The draft you finally send to your editor pic.twitter.com/PbhLJlqVFH
— Caleb Roehrig (@MikalebRoehrig) March 16, 2018
The single most-powerful dunk of LeBron James' career. Year 15. Jusuf Nurkic just saw his life flash before his eyes twice. pic.twitter.com/u6B9H1s2cb
— Rob Perez (@World_Wide_Wob) March 16, 2018
The NBA:
— scharpling (@scharpling) March 15, 2018
It's like college basketball but with basketball players!
Someone extremely creative made a parody of "The Office" opening with the Toronto Raptors, and it's probably the greatest thing I've seen all year. pic.twitter.com/Pjnwupif4r
— Chris Walder (@WalderSports) March 15, 2018
March 16
If Trump Senior has 5 kids by 3 wives and is traveling south at 50 mph, and Trump Junior has 5 kids by one wife and is traveling west at 40 mph, how many Mueller indictments until the 2 men meet in prison?
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) March 16, 2018
Infinity War Poster crowded like a 90s Mixtape Cover pic.twitter.com/RVnjImHgtu
— Roy Wood Jr- Ex Jedi (@roywoodjr) March 16, 2018
gooooob morning. i was performing. the morning security lap. around the household. when i tripped on a chord.. at the exact same time. in a seemingly unrelated event. a lamp fell off the table and broke. there is no way to confirm. what caused this
— Thoughts of Dog (@dog_feelings) March 16, 2018
Sorry, guys, but I copyrighted "dibs" decades ago.
— st. batty's day (@batkaren) March 16, 2018
