[Screaming], what if we're dreaming, Sing 2 scheming, gas prices got us steaming, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

March 4

we got to Molly's Dad's house and this is what he's using as his end table pic.twitter.com/ZZPvjLKA8C
— Body Games ™ (@body_games) March 5, 2022

I am too old for any "u up?" bullshit like sorry if you want to see me send me a fucking google calendar invite 10 days in advance
— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) March 5, 2022

Uhhh I'm at a cardiology convention in Chicago and the keynote speaker is being arrested for murder?
— TGB (@twitersbadboy) March 5, 2022

performed with a live band the other night and got to live out my dream of doing a "late night host walk out" pic.twitter.com/JkIUhjM2rq
— Matt O'Brien (@matt_obrien) March 4, 2022

Wearing this to Regal Cinema tonight then saying in my deepest voice possible "One ticket to Sing 2". pic.twitter.com/WdHSBRW90q
— Dan White (@atdanwhite) March 4, 2022

March 5

I call this image "Twitter." pic.twitter.com/Nsmsn76Y26
— Chris Fenoglio (@ChrisFenoglio) March 6, 2022

Feels extremely silly explaining to my 4 year old that, yes, there's a Batman movie out but "sorry, it's for grown ups"
— SB (@thesecondsingle) March 5, 2022

In Kyiv a woman knocked down a Russian drone from a balcony with a jar of cucumbers. How did they expect to occupy this country?
— Liubov Tsybulska (@TsybulskaLiubov) March 5, 2022

Reasons why people don't want to return to offices:
-commuting
-dress codes
-the cost of buying lunch
-the hassle of packing lunch
-the necessity of code-switching
-distractions from open-office layouts
-poorly ventilated meeting rooms
-commuting
— Karen K. Ho (@karenkho) March 6, 2022

March 6

Every American policy poll is like?

Would you like *outcome*?
Yes - 78%
No - 22%

Would you like to do the stuff necessary to achieve *outcome*?
Yes - 16%
No - 84%
— snek 🇺🇦 (@thee_snek) March 7, 2022

I am laughing so damn hard at this. What do people think a train is! pic.twitter.com/JYSFD8nibV
— Travis R. Eby (@travis_robert) March 7, 2022

this text from mom goes crazy pic.twitter.com/sHcp9DhAxz
— Karli Marulli (@VeryFineHat) March 6, 2022

SOUP soup Break SOUP
…………………………………….
relax… SOUP taste pic.twitter.com/gLzHbFffVq
— Emily Murnane (@emily_murnane) March 6, 2022

GRACE KELLY: please have sex with me im so horny

JAMES STEWART: why would a guy leave his house at 3am…
— Fire Emblem: Genealogy of a Holy Whore (@steelydante) March 7, 2022

Kids are actually a 3-4 person job. The nuclear family was a mistake.
— Commander Michael Burnham (@whimsikal) March 7, 2022

I grew up in Gotham City, nothing like those movies, but we do have great breweries and a dedicated art scene
— Kyle Harris (@heykyleharris) March 6, 2022

My favorite part while seeing "The Batman" :

Movie: *Shot of a dark alley next to some criminals*

Kid in the audience: "BATMAN IS IN THERE!"

Movie: *Nothing happens and the scene changes*

Kid in the audience: "I'm sorry everyone. I thought he was in there"
— Grimlockimus (@ChromeTyranno) March 6, 2022

lmfao come on pic.twitter.com/gYihUCKddr
— san (@ndsnas) March 6, 2022

In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door? pic.twitter.com/oWUDofGvzK
— Audra Williams (@audrawilliams) March 7, 2022

March 7

On one hand, employees that work from home are happier, healthier & more productive. On the other hand, if we all work from home, billionaires will lose $$$ & cry so hard they pee their pants while everyone stares and points at "The Pee Guy." So, who can say which is better?
— Roxi Horror 💀🌸 (@roxiqt) March 7, 2022

Anyone who says they want to return to the office because they enjoy the social aspect should try making actual friends
— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) March 7, 2022

ME: I got covid a month ago despite being vaxxed and boosted and ever since my brain has felt like parts of it are dripping away
THEM: The statewide Coughing-In-Each-Others-Mouths Competition is a go this year. So glad the pandemic is under control
— Post-Culture Review (@PostCultRev) March 7, 2022

pic.twitter.com/xcVl8d8VKj
— Carlos Greaves (@shadesofgreaves) March 7, 2022

This is — and I can't stress this enough — the greatest segment to come from a sports broadcast that I have ever seen in my entire life pic.twitter.com/H8sBOZzbhX
— Charlotte Wilder (@TheWilderThings) March 7, 2022

Holy shit lmaooooooooo pic.twitter.com/GIpUATMpgK
— Based Brando 💫 (Skin Fade Arc) (@legit_scumbag) March 8, 2022

Sigh pic.twitter.com/wLEiY8B8dI
— ghost mom (@radtoria) March 7, 2022

"She looks like Lisa Bonet" - my dad's only comment after the batman
— shriiii (@shriiiitt) March 8, 2022

I realized I was missing an airpod on the way home so I started retracing my steps looking for it and let me tell you there are more single cloves of garlic laying around the streets of Brooklyn than you might think
— G. L. DiVittorio (@gldivittorio) March 8, 2022

if a man driving to cheat on you he fr hates you cuz gas $5.50 now
— Carolyn (@CweenCarolyn) March 8, 2022

March 8

i like being poor cause anytime i'm in a car made after 2015 i feel like i'm in a spaceship
— $𝔩𝔞𝔭☃️ (@slvppy) March 8, 2022

I'm in tears… pic.twitter.com/W7hchxP11V
— ً (@staycjerry) March 8, 2022

My grandma's review of Batman: it was "very loud" but "Batman managed a lot of things"
— 𝗸𝗶𝘄𝗶 ❤️‍🔥🌵🪐 (@kiwehhh) March 9, 2022

Bittersweet announcement but after an amazing 2 years as an infectious disease expert I am moving on. I am now an expert in no-fly zones and Eastern European affairs. Excited to make the most of this new opportunity.
— Robby Slowik (@RobbySlowik) March 8, 2022

After 12 days of stealing Putin's tanks, Ukrainian farmers are now unofficially the fifth-largest military in Europe pic.twitter.com/ImLfDYrcjU
— Business Ukraine mag (@Biz_Ukraine_Mag) March 8, 2022

come on https://t.co/tCJmm8cDpy pic.twitter.com/7X4MK3ORV7
— CBC Pitchbot (Satire) (@CBCPitchbot) March 8, 2022

wow, i didn't realize governments could just declare COVID-19 out of existence. Why didn't they do this 2 years ago?
— Jules (she/her) (@gurlfromthebus) March 8, 2022

these covid variants are like: omicron_final_THISONE.docx
— jesús a. rodríguez (@jesusrodriguezb) March 9, 2022

what if our whole life a dream rn and we still in kindergarten taking a nap
— $𝔩𝔞𝔭☃️ (@slvppy) March 8, 2022

Nothing can beat this—nothing. pic.twitter.com/IBYp3TMq25
— Bad Art (@badartaotearoa) March 9, 2022

When gas was $1.65 I used to drive around to "clear my mind" .. now!? These thoughts living with me.
— Diane (@dianenotdiana) March 8, 2022

if gas hits $5 a gallon, i am NEVER going to forgive that lady who could've been Putin's nice mommy but wasn't
— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) March 8, 2022

Just filled up my tank and I've actually decided to put my car in neutral, open the door and use my feet like the flinstones
— fullsnackdeveloper.eth 🇭🇹 (@notdanilu) March 8, 2022

March 9

Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
— June Jambalaya (@JuneJambalaya) March 9, 2022

finally got my tires sooo smooth 👌 no ugly tread 🤢
— amelia elizalde (@ameliaelizalde) March 9, 2022

stop shaming people for reading kids' books. adult books are about sad people having affairs while kids' books have a magic tree house or a worm driving an apple. you tell me who's winning
— Owl! at the Library 😴🧙‍♀️ (@SketchesbyBoze) March 10, 2022

Whoever keeps those Arizona iced teas at $0.99 should be in charge of inflation
— Fifty Shades of Whey (@davenewworld_2) March 9, 2022

I was wondering why he texted me out of nowhere pic.twitter.com/MoRyeoMTPT
— booked&bussy (@IamDayneScott) March 9, 2022

one thing i've learned about communicating better is people hate it
— i can be your long lost pal (@PallaviGunalan) March 9, 2022

overheard a man talking about his much younger gf as having "no baggage" 🤢 and sir you are the baggage
— priyanka mattoo (@naanking) March 10, 2022

Telling my dentist to calm down, there are more important things going on in the world than my teeth
— Nick Nemeroff (@nicknemeroff) March 9, 2022

Tim Burton's first Batman understands what no superhero film has understood since: the people want a full album of Prince original songs and a music video about a Partyman who destroys Gotham City simply by partying really hard
— John Frankensteiner (@JFrankensteiner) March 9, 2022

Life, ah, finds a way pic.twitter.com/ZlwzJR39pj
— Fuck You I Quit (@fuckyouiquit) March 9, 2022

March 10

if we all stay in bed, what are they gonna do? pull us out? while we're still in our jim jams? i don't think so
— sey smythe (@seynique) March 10, 2022

Love that Bruce Wayne got scared by bats as a kid and was like "oh hell yeah imma use that" and became Batman. If that was me I would've ended up as a superhero named "Takeyourshirtoffatthepool Man"
— Chris Calogero (@RealChrisCal) March 11, 2022

So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, smoking, lighting small fires, stealing car hood ornaments, shoplifting, trying drugs... one time I drank gasoline.
— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) March 10, 2022

Is that the name pic.twitter.com/Y3SzA2gVVW
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) March 10, 2022

I'm nervous this movie will inspire angry young men to mastermind spectacular military victories, make peace with the pope, and give france a new civil code. https://t.co/KVFgIHnTYr
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) March 10, 2022

Is there something going on with gas prices?
— Brendon Walsh, Dental Assistant (@atBrendonWalsh) March 11, 2022

​This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: March 11, 2022

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This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: March 11, 2022