June 22
All I'm saying is we have SIX theme parks built around Mickey Mouse and he's only been in 11 films, whereas Meryl Streep has been in over 65 and she has ZERO theme parks...
— MKB (@MatthewKBegbie) June 22, 2019
I have found an old southern cookbook with some truly fantastic "salad" recipes. pic.twitter.com/H9elAGMaAb
— Lizzie O'Leary (@lizzieohreally) June 22, 2019
press that when you wanna make a u turn. https://t.co/QR0D3hEZEz
— Derek Cheetah (@CamryGod) June 22, 2019
Street lawyer HANDLED those cops. pic.twitter.com/0HIhaw2LBO
— Chad Loder ✸ (@chadloder) June 22, 2019
my nephew opens a door in my mansion labelled 'tweet drafts" and i run to block his view but it's too late. he's seen the room and all it has is a chalkboard with 'jon bon voyage' written on it for when bon jovi dies
— ponyo guy (@punished_picnic) June 22, 2019
They believe Obama was born in Kenya and Hillary ran a child sex ring in the basement of a pizza parlor, but they find it completely unbelievable that a spoiled, daddy-rich, misogynic real estate developer assaults women.
— Andrea Junker (@Strandjunker) June 22, 2019
Even after he brags that he assaults women.
June 23
Hey Super Space Genius, that's the moon in a total lunar eclipse https://t.co/osZjHnarfK
— Uppity Jupiter Girl (@upulie) June 23, 2019
black people need to really get hip to lizzo before white gays take her and never come back
— alex english (@alex3nglish) June 24, 2019
If you've had a rough day watch this...💪😍🎥🥊💪😉 pic.twitter.com/b4avWAHaXz
— Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) June 23, 2019
Tibetan Foxes look like someone tried to draw a normal fox & couldn't get the face right pic.twitter.com/LSWgJipEYt
— Seb (@EditedBySeb) June 23, 2019
I hate when I think someone is cool and then I see them tweeting at airlines about their flight being delayed.
— Travis Helwig (@travishelwig) June 24, 2019
June 24
"But how should *I* feel if I've already paid off my student loan debt?"
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) June 24, 2019
I dunno, maybe feel good that things will be easier for everyone after you? Are you also mad that you spent $3000 on a Gateway computer in 1998 and now everything is cheaper and faster? Grow the fuck up
PARENTS DO NOT VACCINATE YOUR CHILD!! I vaccinated my baby and now 60 years later he has an Old face, too soft hands, horrible looking. DISGUSTING why is he alive so long
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) June 24, 2019
Dear Kawhi, Remember the "fun times" we had together in Toronto.
— Jared Jacobs (@goldyeller) June 24, 2019
Yours truly,
The @Raptors pic.twitter.com/VXKXLlFgxn
Hell yes welcome to Bruce Lee Elementary School https://t.co/8LThZriSzc
— BUM CHILLUPS (@edsbs) June 24, 2019
Hasan Minhaj just dunked on James Harden 😬 pic.twitter.com/jYkO13QXU1
— Bleacher Report (@BleacherReport) June 25, 2019
When your birthday falls on a Monday and you wanna turn up but still have responsibilities 🙆🏾♀️ pic.twitter.com/m8Vd8tevJH
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) June 24, 2019
When you gotta accept an award at 8 but kill Goku at 9 pic.twitter.com/7Aa76DuYhl
— OG MASTER ROSHI (@YaBoyRoshi) June 24, 2019
Trump says he's sanctioning the Ayatollah Khomeini, who has been dead since 1989. https://t.co/pGQQSd2irR
— Jeet Heer (@HeerJeet) June 24, 2019
June 25
Lizzbians https://t.co/a7OE5jQwFR
— |L I Z Z O| (@lizzo) June 25, 2019
is this my new favorite basketball player of all time? the answer is yes pic.twitter.com/bVnL8U2A3t
— arati (@ayoarati) June 25, 2019
I feel like even those who hate Satan have to admit it seems like he'd have a muscular, very athletic-looking ass.
— James Hartnett (@jameshartnett) June 25, 2019
my parents are such goofs they drove out to the backroads so my dad could play the cows the songs he's been learning on the saxophone pt.1 pic.twitter.com/IHzgxtvo0N
— Erin Herrmann (@erinmherrmann) June 26, 2019
not a cell phone in sight, just peopl living in them oment... pic.twitter.com/k4BSoZP6Cz
— Ben (@BenjiBubbo) June 26, 2019
teen vogue 2002: would JOE JONAS🎤👦🏻 like your lip gloss💁🏼♀️💋 or are you UGLY❔😳
— shqueenie baby (@shqne) June 25, 2019
teen vogue 2019: https://t.co/eSo1P0LzA0
When you have cats and hear crunching at 2am pic.twitter.com/GlljryKyLE
— ari (@pageofarcas) June 25, 2019
*cocks gun* if you won't be my neighbor then we're going to have a problem, motherfucker pic.twitter.com/7RUpqKPpVQ
— Jon "Jon Baker" Baker (@JonBaker) June 25, 2019
Meghan McCain retuning a jacket pic.twitter.com/0EAmcuCRkc
— Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) June 25, 2019
Dear children of today: Like it or not, you're really 90s kids. pic.twitter.com/M1CDSzO5nI
— devon sawa (@DevonESawa) June 26, 2019
June 26
the "wrong answers only" meme is the least funny shit i have ever seen in my life. it's not anything. what the hell is going on.
— bobby (@bobby) June 26, 2019
DEBATE COACH: What if you said—
— Natasha Rothwell (@natasharothwell) June 27, 2019
WARREN: If I tell the truth I won't have to remember anything.
DEBATE COACH: Cool. Cool. Cool.#demdebate
me casually walking around fully on my bullshit as everyone who cares about me looks on in horror, shrieking pic.twitter.com/WBWOrm8m5W
— Rosemary Donahue (@rosadona) June 27, 2019
Cory Booker's face while Beto O'Rourke speaks in Spanish LMAO pic.twitter.com/9aaPALihfC
— Caleb Hull (@CalebJHull) June 27, 2019
MODERATOR: What's your favorite Wu Tang album?
— Renan Borelli (@renan) June 27, 2019
WARREN: What kind of question is --
[beto grabs podium]
BETO: ESPADAS LIQUIDAS
— Julián Castro (@JulianCastro) June 27, 2019
Shark attacks good boy in shallow water. Good boy's homeboys bum rush shark & run him off.
— Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) June 26, 2019
Dogs, bruh...💪🐶😍 pic.twitter.com/QhKc5AKZSZ
June 27
When someone you know in real life sees what you do on twitter pic.twitter.com/Auz9Lt2ieK
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) June 27, 2019
~Arch Nemesis Guide~
— Elvish Presley (@_elvishpresley_) June 27, 2019
BATMAN: order
JOKER: chaos
X-MEN: co-existence
MAGNETO: revenge
SUPERMAN: selflessness
LEX LUTHOR: greed
SPIDER-MAN: he a bug
DR OCTOPUS: he a octapus
got another capitalism greatest hit. i will give you one hundred thousand dollars if you can guess the brand by the end pic.twitter.com/bwfJJLabg4
— Ryan Simmons (@rysimmons) June 27, 2019
"i think not, you feathery little fuck" pic.twitter.com/WPRaiQsyKq
— Paul Bronks (@SlenderSherbet) June 27, 2019
Four weeks into a job, you've seen everybody's shirts
— Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) June 27, 2019
rob just ended the office pic.twitter.com/4jhtfQhJvW
— g.ellie (@alvvayssunny) June 27, 2019
Okay I have a new favorite!!! https://t.co/gKGhxcJirD
— bert kreischer (@bertkreischer) June 28, 2019
I know nobody wants political content on this account but it's 2:30am and I am awake and putting Marianne Williamson's speech to Twin Peaks music pic.twitter.com/fSjP5wzrnR
— I will meet you on that field. (@BoxrecGrey) June 28, 2019
Incredible.
— Yashar Ali 🐘 (@yashar) June 28, 2019
What a time to be alive... pic.twitter.com/BVIcLmDIDA
This is the best moment of the night. Biden avoiding Bernie's hand. #DemDebate2 pic.twitter.com/owQV70Jxdy
— Haleigh Hoffman (@HaleighHoffman) June 28, 2019
AMAZING OLD TWEETS BY PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE MARIANNE WILLIAMSON: A THREAD
— Ellie Hall (@ellievhall) June 28, 2019
If you think Marianne Williamson's ideas are kooky, wait til you hear about the guy who says windmills cause cancer, thinks you need to show ID to buy cereal, and doesn't exercise because he thinks the human body is like a battery with a finite amount of energy
— Robert Maguire (@RobertMaguire_) June 28, 2019
June 28
East Coasters: Marianne Williamson wow what a kook
— Michael Hobbes (@RottenInDenmark) June 28, 2019
West Coasters: A person exactly like her is my medical doctor
Chester Cheetah is going to kill Mitch McConnell https://t.co/xG76pg8kem
— sami 🐝🌱 (@samdurstock) June 28, 2019
So we had to put a cone on my dog again. My cat loves it pic.twitter.com/UqSvwuGSGA
— Klutch (@KlutchGame) June 28, 2019
1991. Liz Taylor marries Larry Fortensky at Neverland Ranch. Jacko and hairstylist to the stars José Eber serve as best men.
— R.J. Lehmann (@raylehmann) June 28, 2019
The officiant: Marianne Williamson.
She's been with us a lot longer than you think. pic.twitter.com/tcEX8xbNpf
The single most insipiring athlete in America this week: Megan Rapinoe
— The Hoarse Whisperer (@HoarseWisperer) June 28, 2019
Rapinoe's week:
1) Scored both goals against Spain
2) Told Trump to eff off
3) Scored both goals against France#TeamRapinoe pic.twitter.com/MnNTGtkm1j