Lambs jump from nowhere, Beyoncé a whole billionaire, weed vs. dry hair, a manager's screen share, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

June 17

I have been laughing about this meme for a solid 14 hours now, so I'm sharing it with you. pic.twitter.com/ZGaFWOjbtM
— Angry.Sad.Motivated. (@nlmtys) June 17, 2022

pic.twitter.com/2lKYew5WL0
— meme bastard charles khan (@mask_bastard) June 17, 2022

Every. Single. Time. pic.twitter.com/6A38kstdBK
— Cliterissa Explains It All ♑️ (@Filthiana) June 18, 2022

Pitbulls are so funny bc someone really walked in like "i would like the most dense fucking dog you can possibly manufacture. I'm talking 2x the amount of dog you can condense in the space of one dog. A neutron star of a dog. Compress that motherfucker. Make it stupid also."
— giant sized baby thing (@tentinybees) June 18, 2022

day 3 of summer break: pic.twitter.com/GZ5sZ4xEPX
— . (@NoEmmeG) June 17, 2022

Number of children sexually assaulted by Catholic priests: 4,228
Number of children sexually assaulted in the Boy Scouts: 82,000
Number of children sexually assaulted by drag queens during library story time: 0
— Sir Arthur Streeb-Greebling, DVE 🌹📽️📺📻 (@tdoyleft) June 17, 2022

June 18

I kid you not, the blonde substitute teacher told my almost 16 year old granddaughter, "You're very articulate for a Muslim girl."
My granddaughter replied, "Good job. Articulate is a big word for you! Isn't it?"
That's my girl!🥰
— Rukhsana Khan *order The Clever Wife * (@rukhsanabooks) June 18, 2022

They can't do a Woody movie because the show he's from was really racist
— 🟡 The tumboy 🟡 (@TheTumboy) June 18, 2022

"You've got a friend in me." pic.twitter.com/ArcrAb0LZT
— Danny Deraney (@DannyDeraney) June 18, 2022

I love Los Angeles. pic.twitter.com/qDTqNxTJgL
— Housing 4 All is Hot (@ahouse4all) June 18, 2022

new york fuckin city baby city so nice they named it twice the big 🍎im walkin here pic.twitter.com/Se5WLv9VUN
— heathcliff guy (@heat1995viewer) June 19, 2022

this is the best breaking bad meme i've ever seen holy shit pic.twitter.com/rUrxcIQLlf
— Corn ⚕ (@luhblix) June 18, 2022

Every wedding should have an opening act where another less important couple gets married
— Charles Austin (@charlesraustin) June 18, 2022

I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance pic.twitter.com/ibsOtbUlhM
— Adam Cerious (@Browtweaten) June 18, 2022

The most accurate description of him I've ever seen. pic.twitter.com/F7PHhumCg5
— Amber (@AmberD1116) June 18, 2022

Beautiful reminder that it's OKAY to choose to never forgive your bully, even if it was 15 years ago. https://t.co/Mb11PibQAa
— Sweeney Boo (@Sweeney_Boo) June 18, 2022

 
June 19

seems like a lot of you are having really bad airbnb experiences. i'll let you in on a little secret: hotels are incredible. clean towels on demand. your bed made for you daily. no messaging back and forth with a guy who keeps vaguely threatening you and assigning you chores.
— haley (@haleyp) June 20, 2022

I didn't realise until today's walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign. pic.twitter.com/gsxmsjPMuh
— Danny Bate (@DannyBate4) June 19, 2022

the prophecy has been fulfilled pic.twitter.com/jB0Md2VuT3
— klassy (@killklassy) June 20, 2022

early pandemic pics of socially distanced baptisms will be in history books one day pic.twitter.com/gnNHTeTrdF
— matt (@mattxiv) June 19, 2022

J*hnny D*pp fans are like "look how hot this man is" and then it's a photo that looks like this pic.twitter.com/Dc5N1Vqtrr
— Adam ElIis 𓁹𓂏𓁹 (@adamtotscomix) June 19, 2022

Feels so good to run into a Real forum thread out in the wilds pic.twitter.com/vCQsy7DIyN
— Endless Dan Moore (@danup) June 20, 2022

jurassic park is the most realistic disaster movie series because every time, they have the same problem over and over again and nobody ever learns from it or tries anything a different way
— Stef Schwartz (@stefschwartz) June 19, 2022

hi im hillary clinton i havent won an election outside of new york ever and havent won any election period in over a decade. heres how to win elections
— hottiepants (@punishedpants) June 19, 2022

cows are pretty calm considering the whoIe fIoor is food
— T 🎯 (@CodeineFridge) June 19, 2022

notice how we say "girl" when excited and "man" when disappointed
— misato ☆ (@sillyblogging) June 19, 2022

 
June 20

"Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?" I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything. pic.twitter.com/wX77DVkHlP
— Nate (@thenatewolf) June 20, 2022

i will restart the entire song if u talk over it idc
— Yahari🏎 (@Y_Reyes22) June 21, 2022

transitioning ur weekend purse back to ur work purse 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄
— malachite mami (@abithegemini) June 21, 2022

My manager sharing her screen and she's looking for jobs 💀
— Ajebutter (@_layaah) June 20, 2022

Don't let Beyoncé get you packed up. Shorty a whole billionaire. She can quit her job. You need to be up at 7
— JameS, J.D. (@KxngJam3s) June 21, 2022

They called our way of life primitive then created a way of life that destroyes the earth in less than 200 years.
— TM9 LEGION (@StreamMajor9) June 20, 2022

did I "kill a plant" or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
— Sarah Lazarus (@sarahclazarus) June 20, 2022

my dads cemetery has a gift shop pic.twitter.com/QyFBhPQmMt
— shelby wolstein (@ShelbyWolstein) June 20, 2022

My Father's Day present from my oldest, who always keeps it real pic.twitter.com/krzeiFtH8b
— Noah Zimmerman (@_noahzim_) June 20, 2022

Picked up my sons from school and stopped to get gas, invited them to get out of the car and learn how to do it. Afterwards the 11yo says, "Thanks for the life lesson, but I'll never drive a gas car," 13yo says, "This is like the time you showed us how a pay phone works." 😂
— Alana DiMario (@AlanaDimario) June 20, 2022

All characters are made out of cum https://t.co/cjNeyPxAO6
— Esca Flonase (@escaflonase) June 20, 2022

NEW CRAB JUST DROPPED pic.twitter.com/hELCvheszJ
— tourdefranz (tourdefranz) (@tourdefranz) June 20, 2022

The fall of Netflix pic.twitter.com/VVAlTQ9bhQ
— smokk 𖤐 (@whatsmokk) June 20, 2022

So weird when people say every story has been told already when hollywood still has not produced my screenplay about a monkey who becomes a judge through a legal loophole. I think the world is ready for Banana Appeal.
— ⚔️brodiereed⚔️ (@ayobrobro) June 21, 2022

Holy gosh, groceries are sure expensi....

Oh wait. pic.twitter.com/oKmg9Ns0Pi
— Stephen Quinn (@CBCStephenQuinn) June 21, 2022

June 21

it-is-what-it-is-ing my way through the collapse of civilization
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) June 21, 2022

no offense to myself but what the fuck am i actually doing
— WILLIE (@williedontmiss) June 21, 2022

Ron Johnson pretends to be on his phone and is busted by reporter: "No, you're not. I can see your screen!" pic.twitter.com/srNwfBGEec
— Ron Filipkowski 🇺🇦 (@RonFilipkowski) June 22, 2022

when non-Black ppl have dreads on tv they should blur it like they do with nudity
— Sydney Battle (@SydneyBattle) June 22, 2022

This is next level. Mad respect. pic.twitter.com/6XNoCG06FS
— Cheri Jacobus (@CheriJacobus) June 21, 2022

my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
— leva (@itsboleva) June 21, 2022

What connects them all? pic.twitter.com/uGMdMPf9Q3
— Lucas (@realPhoenixFire) June 21, 2022

What's the matter babe you've barely touched your foraging task pic.twitter.com/gC4TgshtKN
— Big Shell First Responder Wind Turkey (@dog_envier) June 21, 2022

Mitch Hedberg once said "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something." and it was a top tier banger with no victim https://t.co/GlRfGIwAgV
— humbug (@svenisms) June 21, 2022

NPR host: "If you're like me, you spent the last 2 + years of the pandemic -

Me (out loud to myself): Snacking

NPR host: - gardening
— Zara (@HurricaneZara) June 21, 2022

Good Morning from Grenada pic.twitter.com/6afMvSZlvX
— 🇬🇩 Rockett 🇬🇩 (@Rockett473) June 21, 2022

"she's a 10 but" is the premise of most Seinfeld episodes
— Adrienne Ianniciello (@adrienneinclo) June 21, 2022

 
June 22

"shes a 10" - mario celebrating his daughters 10th bday
— Taylor Rivers (@taylorivers) June 23, 2022

$1.00 Got You Together Back In The Day pic.twitter.com/5Dq2qBiTyb
— soulfinecyn (@cynbeenlit) June 23, 2022

pic.twitter.com/gdEsiLUeXa
— depths of wikipedia (@depthsofwiki) June 22, 2022

i can explain this. it is actually a different actor in a new hope https://t.co/pens20YQJt
— "rudeboy" rodney berry (@rodney_berry) June 22, 2022

this dog is wearing shoes pic.twitter.com/WBKFHRmvMG
— Joel Cunningham (@joelevard) June 22, 2022

Thank god there's no photographer around when I tell my kid he has to wear shoes outside pic.twitter.com/04bZztwVwB
— Melody Schreiber (@m_scribe) June 23, 2022

I knocked on the bathroom door at the gas station and dude goes "come in"
— *sigh*clops (@aotakeo) June 22, 2022

I know weeds legal in Canada but watching airport security confiscate a woman hair dryer while putting her giant bag of weed back in her carry on is a wild ride
— Matt O'Brien (@matt_obrien) June 22, 2022

I wish I could tell you this isn't real but this is really how the Iranian community is reacting to Britney Spears' marrying a Persian man pic.twitter.com/JeumTTS04C
— Farnoush Amiri (@FarnoushAmiri) June 22, 2022

"Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex" yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
— Julicorn (@ChicksRule) June 22, 2022

pic.twitter.com/rrWGbnwjVS
— Z (@vibesncuddles) June 22, 2022

 
June 23

The "biological clock" stereotype has been wrongly attributed to the fertile woman when its origin in fact lies with mid-late 30s men who haven't yet released their great literary debut
— Beautiful CanLit (@ILoveCanLit) June 23, 2022

I didn't gain weight, I am just another victim of inflation
— mean things I say to myself (@meantomyself) June 23, 2022

OMG 🤣 pic.twitter.com/IyP4aKKL8J
— BassOutdoor (@outdoor_bass) June 23, 2022

Every once in awhile I think about the trans woman from Tennessee who was barred from getting a female driver's license so she went running topless, got arrested for indecent exposure of female breasts, and then thrown in a men's jail.
— Katelyn Burns (@transscribe) June 23, 2022

being a lesbian is so crazy. a straight man will be talking to you and then you'll tell them you're gay and you see something just leave his eyes. it's like watching a pet die
— sarah schauer 🦂 (@sarahschauer) June 23, 2022

Should we be alive? The Supreme Court says "nah," in a 6-3 decision.
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) June 23, 2022

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: June 24, 2022

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