PEANUS, could be us, awareness/drunkenness, ElvUS, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

July 1

Sometimes it's not you, it's them 🙄😂😭 #academia pic.twitter.com/IKtqf0P3Hr
— Burel Goodin (@PainBurel) July 2, 2022

What if we kissed and I dislocated my jaw like a snake and swallowed you whole
— Joe (@joeIovesbees) July 2, 2022

he knows something we dont pic.twitter.com/Dw9GDpQT9r
— ★ poison dart мышка ★ (@drpissbaby) July 2, 2022

At no single point could I guess what was going to happen next in this pic.twitter.com/9A0cWsii3l
— William Goodman (@goodmanw) July 2, 2022

pic.twitter.com/ONCYkjcIVl
— vids that go hard (@vidsthatgohardd) July 2, 2022

Maya Rudolph is a comedic genius pic.twitter.com/H9cAQMeoDh
— Creatina Turner (@BrendanOde) July 1, 2022

pic.twitter.com/5rBW2DgjN8
— dressa (@softersoftest06) July 2, 2022

 
July 2

is this real? pic.twitter.com/qtAIki3eYd
— KELGORE (@KelgoreTrout) July 2, 2022

Now I'm in trouble, pals. pic.twitter.com/W5ofGalLCo
— Jeremy Drysdale (@jeremydrysdale) July 2, 2022

ME: so you see, karl, it's called a record player-

KARL MARX (sweating): seventy-eight revolutions PER MINUTE?
— justin treadwell (@Vox_Propuli) July 2, 2022

Marry this girl pic.twitter.com/YlETBBW00J
— ɿɘyoM nwɒʜƧ (@shawnmoyer) July 2, 2022

pic.twitter.com/0kn19lmRt9
— DANNY VERMIN 🐀🐀🐀 (@DANVERMEULEN1) July 2, 2022

I'm never deleting this app pic.twitter.com/JDQJWWNNbg
— Alex Cohen (@anothercohen) July 3, 2022

When I say im going swimming, this what I be talking about 😂 pic.twitter.com/0BsliGbcU9
— Luis Vercetti (@97Vercetti) July 2, 2022

Driving with my kid and there was a house with a jumpy castle and balloons out front and I said "must be a birthday party" and my kid goes "or a really weird funeral"
— Octopus/Caveman (@OctopusCaveman) July 3, 2022

pic.twitter.com/RlfzuqS6KU
— 1000 ways to die (@1000WaysToDi3) July 2, 2022

I don't think anyone would believe what I just saw… pic.twitter.com/CglpJlDCDW
— Koi 🔜 Tekko (@itachidere) July 2, 2022

 
July 3

No male rapper is having as much fun with his life as Drake lmao https://t.co/yWXsJvf9EI
— Jannifer 🌶 (@Jani__Gee) July 3, 2022

Kevin Durant bought a $3.7 million dollar property in Toronto yesterday 👀 https://t.co/X1fkuUfSqS pic.twitter.com/0PjUJ2KSlw
— 🍿 (@The_6ix_man) July 4, 2022

awareness level: 0
drunkenness level: 98
fireproof superpowers: 100 pic.twitter.com/41ivJDYUBZ
— Warren Sharp (@SharpFootball) July 3, 2022

"everything is dishwasher safe if you don't care enough about it" - my husband 😂
— sophia sopaipilla (@phiamenina) July 4, 2022

My wife thinks so little of me. pic.twitter.com/7LsgDIZ2Fy
— Gourmet Spud (@gourmetspud) July 3, 2022

Deeply funny to get mad at Elliot Page for acting under his preferred name when almost every single actor uses a pseudonym for their stage name and no one cares.
— Crowder Drinks Dog Cum (@guy_freire) July 3, 2022

What your mom calls you after she finds your weed pic.twitter.com/I89en6opUu
— Charles Mockler (@charlesmockler) July 4, 2022

i can confirm this is real pic.twitter.com/lCvQeEsrKV
— Cunt (@TheExiledDuck) July 4, 2022

My wife just said "if you hate everyone, you should eat something, and if you think everyone hates you, you should go to sleep" and I don't think I've heard a better life hack
— Norman the PhDM (@metadoxy) July 3, 2022

This must be what it feels like to live in the Marvel Cinematic Universe https://t.co/3Js3WrYth5
— Valyrian Mami (@PinkYetiCup) July 4, 2022

The thing george Lucas understood is if you have a machine make a little noise it immediately becomes a little guy
— madi e. (@madeye_madi) July 4, 2022

exile really was the perfect punishment like some people just need to leave
— rori (@ackarori) July 3, 2022

your Fourth of July is my cat's 9/11
— ali (@alimaketweet) July 4, 2022

 
July 4

how tf is the customer always right? Bro i'm the one that was trained to work here 😭
— Perm (@gemperm) July 4, 2022

It's called Independence Day because these days you're on your fucking own
— Frank Lesser (@sadmonsters) July 5, 2022

pic.twitter.com/C4Em2Qj2KY
— 🤍🖤 (@bwahwtfbwah) July 4, 2022

u ever tell a funny story about how zany your family is and everybody stops laughing and asks if you're ok
— guy from mgmt (@marshallvore) July 4, 2022

Bruh this shit got me crying 😭 pic.twitter.com/SHt8HBM4zJ
— mo.et (@MoThePharaoh) July 4, 2022

Could be us.. pic.twitter.com/4ynjJBe4ia
— Khaled (@Slut__Maker) July 4, 2022

"it's elvUS, not elvYOU!" tom hanks in elvis (2022) I shit you not
— Bront (@bmrow) July 5, 2022

I hastily photoshopped this for a group chat shitpost earlier and I can't stop thinking about it pic.twitter.com/Ec5h7N1vt3
— Natescape Navigator (@uxcryptid) July 5, 2022

This is what they took from you pic.twitter.com/mYGDjk7mBb
— RenaultFailure (@renaultfailure) July 5, 2022

Nobody will remember:
- Your salary
- Your fancy title
- How 'busy' you were
- How stressed you were
- How many hours you worked

People will remember:
- The giant monoliths you have erected to your own majesty
- Poems about the monoliths, or at least a few of the good lines
— Tim Carmody (@tcarmody) July 5, 2022

I need everyone to understand that no one under the age of 40 is ever going to listen to your voicemail, you're just going to have to let that one go.
— Jo 🎭👨‍👩‍👦♿️🌈🧠 (@jo_is_jo) July 4, 2022

The best birth control is seeing a husband and wife traveling with multiple kids in an airport….it looks like hell son
— Red Bull Racing F1 Fan Account (@FlyoutChase) July 4, 2022

   
July 5

me, working my 9-5, while he shows me the pokémon he named after me on his switch pic.twitter.com/1LmJi6Wqsr
— momo ✈️ otakon T-21 (@guacamomole) July 5, 2022

My 14yo is babysitting for the first time and I just received this text from him. 😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/NusAPufVrR
— Danielle ☀️ (@DaniAndi4) July 6, 2022

This man has been trapped on the moon since the first movie with no food or water. This man is dead. https://t.co/JulMYnWqqc
— josei-ki (@RebelFriendStan) July 5, 2022

Walk a mile in these Gruboutins pic.twitter.com/EMv7FQADPH
— Saddington 3 (in production) (@2Saddington) July 6, 2022

this is my greatest creation pic.twitter.com/Ji9mIASkvz
— big beauty judy (@samwaltjones) July 5, 2022

Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind

She's 11.
— huh (@ih8rts) July 6, 2022

Women are dangerous when it comes to revenge pic.twitter.com/6gFCzPUCxy
— معافیه (@Astraphobic__1) July 5, 2022

i will never forget the day republican politician dean browning forgot to log into his burner account and tweeted from his main about being a black gay man pic.twitter.com/9JekwgQSAp
— matt (@mattxiv) July 5, 2022

every elon musk tweet is like "mayhaps why do hot dog buns come in packs of 8, yet heretofore hot dogs come in 10 perchance? 🤣🤣 2 many weener!" and then one trillion weirdos in the replies say this is incredible. thank you sir. will you please fund my divorce
— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) July 5, 2022

I CAN'T BREATHE THIS IS THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD pic.twitter.com/B3RIrqq2nm
— Braden 🏺 (@BradenIsBased) July 5, 2022

i still need this pic.twitter.com/jVWSw6Wisx
— T5UMUT5UMU (@T5UMUT5UMU) July 5, 2022

Facing soaring inflation, a Japanese zoo has resorted to offering cheaper fish to its sea animals. The penguins are very unimpressed, refusing to even look at them. The otters are throwing the offerings aside. pic.twitter.com/mUtKGNh3Mz
— Jake Kwon (@JakeKwon88) July 6, 2022

I thought this was fried chicken pic.twitter.com/BkMKpUPKp6
— ᴘᴀᴠʟᴏᴠ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄᴏʀɢɪ (@PAVGOD) July 6, 2022

July 6

anyone want some boba? pic.twitter.com/utycbKes7d
— ᴘᴀᴠʟᴏᴠ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄᴏʀɢɪ (@PAVGOD) July 6, 2022

Just passed a farm with a big "no vaccines we trust god sign" next to the sign advertising that they were selling seedless watermelons
— maura quint (@behindyourback) July 6, 2022

imagine having this kind of crazy off-the-charts sexual chemistry with everyone you meet pic.twitter.com/ufCXjWFgZO
— Carl Kinsella (@TVsCarlKinsella) July 6, 2022

Up yours Mr Bond, We'll see who cancels who pic.twitter.com/n0nQP0zEIw
— FABINO (@KinoFabino) July 6, 2022

Customers will say shit like "Uhh it's asking me to remove my card?"
— Axe (@westernunion2k) July 6, 2022

if the salary were competitive you'd have printed it ☺️
— devon of nine (@dynamofire) July 6, 2022

Darkly funny that they had to cover up "free" pic.twitter.com/iHhpQn97cS
— Benj (@benjrainwrite) July 6, 2022

"Girls, girls, LINE" pic.twitter.com/ojAgwxwvgN
— Hi it's Matt Collins (@mitchberghini) July 7, 2022

Logo hitting different pic.twitter.com/2Qb6biMgC0
— Chris _ _ Richards (@Chris__Richards) July 6, 2022

Tough but fair. pic.twitter.com/FjX53hkG9k
— Sarah Glassmeyer (@sglassmeyer) July 7, 2022

 
July 7

Jungle producers don't sample this challenge https://t.co/oaGRcmNnv8
— 🌌 george.pdf 🌌 (@deejaygeejaygee) July 7, 2022

I'm losing my fucking mind right now, like I'm sorry but this is genuinely the funniest thing anyone could possibly say in a resignation speech pic.twitter.com/lP3nsmWSex
— julian! (@oigevalt) July 7, 2022

Hugh Grant tweeted a request at activists protesting outside Westminster to play the Benny Hill theme on their loudspeakers; when they did it became the soundtrack for street interviews with leading Tories trying explain the situation to the British people pic.twitter.com/V1LxUoxRUE
— Aaron Fritschner (@Fritschner) July 7, 2022

I'll straight up listen to the Pet Shop Boys on a back street and the Backstreet Boys in a pet shop, I really don't give a shit anymore.
— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) July 7, 2022

RIP James Caan, the original definition of a real one pic.twitter.com/40r84CEkwi
— Otto Von Biz Markie (@Passionweiss) July 7, 2022

Beta testing a new app called GUILT that automatically texts my wife "I love you" every time I open a private browser to look at porn on my computer. pic.twitter.com/vsX2FvQbNq
— Dan White (@atdanwhite) July 7, 2022

I simply can not get over how this lady is just Grimes in a different font pic.twitter.com/WJsOGjXKGb
— abby govindan (@abbygov) July 8, 2022

joe biden on Hot Ones but he's just eating 10 normal grapes
— carter hambley (@carterhambley) July 7, 2022

pic.twitter.com/mIXkzu32Na
— Poorly Translated Shirts (@translatedtees) July 7, 2022

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: July 8, 2022

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