Olympic cigarettes, it's wasteful to be too wet, cussing parrots, sharpshooting is no sweat, and much more from this week in funny tweets.<br>
<br>
<strong>July 23</strong>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Seen on ig days ago, still messing me up <a href="https://t.co/AacwtEf6Za">pic.twitter.com/AacwtEf6Za</a></p>
— Hope Rehak (@HopeRehak) <a href="https://twitter.com/HopeRehak/status/1418701938682646528?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 23, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">everyone knows that emotionally the day ends at 330</p>
— gal debored (@ckayerawlings) <a href="https://twitter.com/ckayerawlings/status/1418711642649415680?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 23, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Hard to believe this didn't help <a href="https://t.co/DmS08esfAF">https://t.co/DmS08esfAF</a></p>
— 10-minute drum solo (@rockintunesman) <a href="https://twitter.com/rockintunesman/status/1418516553830572039?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 23, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">a story in 4 parts, these folks sent me a tear proof bag lol <a href="https://t.co/imQXVKhaRH">pic.twitter.com/imQXVKhaRH</a></p>
— abdi (@tropicanapussy) <a href="https://twitter.com/tropicanapussy/status/1418685159633719299?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 23, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">I got carded at the liquor store and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said nevermind.</p>
— KPMoore (@KPMoore8) <a href="https://twitter.com/KPMoore8/status/1418697560559132672?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 23, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">I. Am. Crying <a href="https://t.co/DoXxrLHX7o">pic.twitter.com/DoXxrLHX7o</a></p>
— philip lewis (@Phil_Lewis_) <a href="https://twitter.com/Phil_Lewis_/status/1418676246003818496?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 23, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">My ideal career is Lil Nas X's without the music. Just tweeting and getting sued</p>
— fashion school dropout (@glamdemon2004) <a href="https://twitter.com/glamdemon2004/status/1418791657227567105?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 24, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<strong>July 24</strong>

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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Its cool to get divorced and act like the Phantom of the Opera <a href="https://t.co/yeiFpyOCds">https://t.co/yeiFpyOCds</a></p>
— josh (@joshdivision) <a href="https://twitter.com/joshdivision/status/1419167221440385029?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 25, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">guy who has a daily screen time of 11 hours but has his phone on do not disturb for mental health reasons</p>
— tyler (@tyler01010101) <a href="https://twitter.com/tyler01010101/status/1419041982878453766?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 24, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">This says a lot about society <a href="https://t.co/lkn96CqV4T">pic.twitter.com/lkn96CqV4T</a></p>
— indie conan o'brien (@TamingMyImpala) <a href="https://twitter.com/TamingMyImpala/status/1419153271617331206?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 25, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">I had sex for 3 hours last night. We roll played as doctor and patient. I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 57 minutes.</p>
— Oma (@Used_to_be_64) <a href="https://twitter.com/Used_to_be_64/status/1418994311950225416?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 24, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.</p>
— April (@autogynefiles) <a href="https://twitter.com/autogynefiles/status/1419078540327272451?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 24, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">put them back together or else <a href="https://t.co/fd1qS4XxU6">pic.twitter.com/fd1qS4XxU6</a></p>
— Rob N Roll (@thegallowboob) <a href="https://twitter.com/thegallowboob/status/1419126588088545283?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 25, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">My daughter made $110 on her lemonade stand today, in like an hour. Turned out people were handing her $5s and $10s and she was just assertively saying thank you for the tip, and not offering change.</p>
— Eric Hulse (@phn1x) <a href="https://twitter.com/phn1x/status/1419134557350252545?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 25, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">America got bronze in skateboarding?? We truly are a culture in decline.</p>
— Rachel (@tolstoybb) <a href="https://twitter.com/tolstoybb/status/1419155835524050947?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 25, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<strong>July 25</strong>

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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">this is deranged but also brilliant but also ridiculous but also fascinating <a href="https://t.co/gc4k4dFv92">pic.twitter.com/gc4k4dFv92</a></p>
— Zeba Blay (@zblay) <a href="https://twitter.com/zblay/status/1419423621097955328?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 25, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">me: see you later!<br>
<br>
crocodile: what the fuck did you just say</p>
— not sara (genuinely hillary) (@smithsara79) <a href="https://twitter.com/smithsara79/status/1419432618483933185?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 25, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">do you think Brian May just panicked when Freddie was like "sometimes wish i'd never been born at all" and just guitar solo'd to pull focus from that fucking huge bummer</p>
— demy (@DemiLardner) <a href="https://twitter.com/DemiLardner/status/1419340415149297665?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 25, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Hey uh haha why are we updating draft laws <a href="https://t.co/1KynQERl6k">https://t.co/1KynQERl6k</a></p>
— ☭✡ (@SwampCommunist) <a href="https://twitter.com/SwampCommunist/status/1419306554965233664?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 25, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">this is the perfect friendship dynamic (they both have adhd) <a href="https://t.co/xmp8Zwwosw">pic.twitter.com/xmp8Zwwosw</a></p>
— just a little guy (mabs) (@mabes_the_babe) <a href="https://twitter.com/mabes_the_babe/status/1419321537065275395?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 25, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.</p>
— cap'n watsisname (@capnwatsisname) <a href="https://twitter.com/capnwatsisname/status/1419427105020985346?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 25, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="und" dir="ltr"><a href="https://t.co/UHnuOVixWZ">pic.twitter.com/UHnuOVixWZ</a></p>
— meuw (@meowmeowmia) <a href="https://twitter.com/meowmeowmia/status/1419510713521946626?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 26, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">NOVELTY T-SHIRT: Life's a Beach and Then You Die<br>
<br>
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: hmm</p>
— Sen. Lemon Gogurt (R - MS) (@Ugarles) <a href="https://twitter.com/Ugarles/status/1419424693065592832?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 25, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<strong>July 26</strong>

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<p lang="und" dir="ltr">😭 <a href="https://t.co/oXM9M2et2q">https://t.co/oXM9M2et2q</a></p>
— M. Night Shyamalan ⌛ (@MNightShyamalan) <a href="https://twitter.com/MNightShyamalan/status/1419721685415170050?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 26, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">In a sense, we're all living on a beach that makes you old, if you think about it...</p>
— Brendon "Bee-Man" Walsh (@atBrendonWalsh) <a href="https://twitter.com/atBrendonWalsh/status/1419897961593458688?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 27, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">sometimes when things are falling apart they may actually be falling into place💋 <a href="https://t.co/UXG8mdatkc">pic.twitter.com/UXG8mdatkc</a></p>
— Eloise Hendy (@EloiseHendy) <a href="https://twitter.com/EloiseHendy/status/1419573480803164160?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 26, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">agreeing with the most unhinged shit my Uber driver says because I simply want to live</p>
— sarah schauer 🦂 (@sarahschauer) <a href="https://twitter.com/sarahschauer/status/1419863688329056257?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 27, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">men are so cool, whenever I have one in my bed I'm like blown away by the sheer size of them. it's like when you meet a cow in real life</p>
— not a lawyer (@HormonalJew) <a href="https://twitter.com/HormonalJew/status/1419861266118627346?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 27, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, maybe you'll hit a billionaire's rocket ship</p>
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) <a href="https://twitter.com/Home_Halfway/status/1419715595646509064?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 26, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">I am obsessed with the stance on this sharpshooter <a href="https://t.co/DagufxorxL">pic.twitter.com/DagufxorxL</a></p>
— Zoe! That's Me! (@Blankzilla) <a href="https://twitter.com/Blankzilla/status/1419655297111666688?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 26, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">s/o to everyone doing the bare minimum at your job, strive to do less❤️</p>
— rt pinned !! help Mem and Ice (@eshoper49) <a href="https://twitter.com/eshoper49/status/1419667047198478338?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 26, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<strong>July 27</strong>

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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">such a waste of water 🤦 <a href="https://t.co/GRjD7MGIem">pic.twitter.com/GRjD7MGIem</a></p>
— john-john (@bennnnst) <a href="https://twitter.com/bennnnst/status/1420095572661477389?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 27, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Making food expensive with edible gold is lazy and hack. Make a burger from a prize racehorse and serve it wrapped in a Picasso, you cowards <a href="https://t.co/WNZISweOPB">https://t.co/WNZISweOPB</a></p>
— pixelatedboat aka "mr tweets" (@pixelatedboat) <a href="https://twitter.com/pixelatedboat/status/1420242990094721028?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 28, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">no i just like dick. nothing deep to it lol. <a href="https://t.co/Hxx3UNZBC9">https://t.co/Hxx3UNZBC9</a></p>
— nope 👶🏾 (@LilNasX) <a href="https://twitter.com/LilNasX/status/1420157546870886400?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 27, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">the grip this had on middle schoolers <a href="https://t.co/BCaUKLEqga">https://t.co/BCaUKLEqga</a></p>
— clay (@bitchrespecter) <a href="https://twitter.com/bitchrespecter/status/1420076431518748675?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 27, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">The people who think the vaccine changes your DNA are most in need of becoming new people</p>
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) <a href="https://twitter.com/TheDweck/status/1420210212368093186?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 28, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<strong>July 28</strong>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">The CDC at this point is like "what do YOU think you should do"</p>
— Mohanad Elshieky (@MohanadElshieky) <a href="https://twitter.com/MohanadElshieky/status/1420389699336785928?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 28, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Newly recommended PPE in Alberta <a href="https://t.co/bZbxDfpXXd">pic.twitter.com/bZbxDfpXXd</a></p>
— Ilan Schwartz MD PhD (@GermHunterMD) <a href="https://twitter.com/GermHunterMD/status/1420571695476207616?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 29, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">If you support Simone &amp; you support Naomi, support the Black woman in your office who turns her Zoom video off.</p>
— Nyasha Junior, Ph.D. (@NyashaJunior) <a href="https://twitter.com/NyashaJunior/status/1420483760932413441?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 28, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">oh shit the guy who got cut trying out for varsity his senior year has something to say about the most decorated gymnast of all time. everyone gather around to listen</p>
— kelbin (@pissboymcgee) <a href="https://twitter.com/pissboymcgee/status/1420428688403873799?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 28, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">It's fucking crazy how Janeane Garofalo introducing David Cross to Bob Odenkirk because they both liked basketball shaped tons of comedy for 30 years</p>
— Shampoodler (@Shampoodler) <a href="https://twitter.com/Shampoodler/status/1420447265546805253?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 28, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Whoever named the spider "daddy long legs" seems horny</p>
— ali segel (@OnlineAlison) <a href="https://twitter.com/OnlineAlison/status/1420615795957112842?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 29, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<strong>July 29</strong>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Girls call guys horny then go jerk off to words</p>
— ac (@avgmeat) <a href="https://twitter.com/avgmeat/status/1420784347813195784?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 29, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">The way he ate her up <a href="https://t.co/a35KD6Hv9c">pic.twitter.com/a35KD6Hv9c</a></p>
— Cocolo Minaj (@evilrashida) <a href="https://twitter.com/evilrashida/status/1420771240722059269?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 29, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">watermelon is the pumpkin of the summer</p>
— jd vance's "holler aunt" (@markpopham) <a href="https://twitter.com/markpopham/status/1420876998952501258?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 29, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="und" dir="ltr"><a href="https://t.co/tibVz51Vcb">pic.twitter.com/tibVz51Vcb</a></p>
— Poorly Aged Things (@PoorlyAgedStuff) <a href="https://twitter.com/PoorlyAgedStuff/status/1420814900608348162?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 29, 2021</a></blockquote>
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Alex Hudson

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: July 30, 2021

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